Lancelot had stonily held to his verdict while Alanna looked on in shock. He surprised even himself by being so callous. He had not known that he was so adamant about being a warring knight until seeing that vision of Arthur. He doubted Alanna could understand. She was not a man, even if she carried a sword like one. She did not know the obligation he felt to share the fate of all other able-bodied men who fought in wars the land over. Questing was his love; but war was his duty.
However, his resolve began to strain as Alanna’s silence dragged on. He had been vexed that she had still not looked into his eyes before that. But now that he could see nothing but her wide brown eyes, he suddenly wished that she would turn away again. They made him feel guilty. They made him want to retract everything he had said. They were beautiful, hurt eyes that could easily turn him into a detestable hypocrite...
He himself had to look away, for he couldn’t bear to notice the shifting nuances of her emotions—shock, fear, anger, unhappiness, grief. He closed his eyes for several seconds, and then opened them in time to see her straighten and hold her lips tightly. “Fine,” she uttered at last. He stared at her, his face blanching. What did she mean? Fine, she was with him? Or fine, she was against him?
He was as still as a statue as he painfully awaited an elaboration. Then, in his stillness, he began to tremble, clenching and unclenching his fists at his sides. The emotion broke free on his own face when Alanna began to weep and her lips tremble. While he was not weeping himself, his face had contorted with anguish. He had brought her to tears. Alanna so rarely cried about anything—even when she was in the greatest of pain! And yet he had brought her to tears with his intolerant words! It was not the first time, and yet he had sworn to himself that he would never let it happen again! What a fine lover he was, if he had made his lady cry on multiple occasions!
Her relinquishing was not much of a victory for Lancelot, especially when her words were followed with an even greater flow of tears. She voiced her resentment, which made him physically wince with the sting it afflicted his heart. His throat constricted and his feet stood leaden on the ground as he watched her turn away and run to the nearby boulder. The pitiful sound of her sob lingered in his ears. He was in the greatest of pain and remorse and torment. It was by far one of their worst arguments...
In fact, he was so distressed, that for long agonizing moments, he could not spur himself to do anything. He stood dumbly in the middle of the encampment, watching the fish burn. He was paler than he had ever been in his life, and his face was stricken like a man beyond his years.
Then, Bors came into the clearing. Lancelot took one look at his inquiring cousin and the dead rabbit in his hands and he was instantly afflicted with a wave of nausea. It was all he could do not to empty his stomach on his innocent cousin. That was why he clamped his mouth shut immediately after Bors voiced his question.
Lionel came soon after his brother. He was also confused—and startled by Lancelot’s appearance. He wavered on the outskirts of the clearing, unsure of what to do. Lancelot in the meantime, let out a low moan and walked unsteadily to a nearby tree. He leaned against the trunk and held on to the rough branches as if he did not have the strength to stand upright.
“What ‘az ‘appened?” Lionel murmured to Bors uneasily. Then he heard the soft sound of a woman’s weeping, and he knew it was Alanna. He frowned deeply. If he had known of any other man making a woman weep, he would unquestioningly side with the lady. But since Lancelot was his kinsman, and Lionel had only seen him treat Alanna well, then chose to assume that Lancelot was not to blame in the matter. Even though he was obviously guilt-stricken. Choosing not to get involved, he set about saving the fish from overcooking. But all the while he sent worried glances at his older cousin.
Lancelot suffered for several minutes. He was loathing himself for what he had done. How he wanted to cross the short distance to Alanna and retract his careless words! But he kept himself from doing so. He figured that Alanna wanted to—needed to—be alone to weep. And he still struggled with the idea of making himself into a hypocrite. He was a man of his word, after all...
Clarric, who had been a witness to the altercation, halted his grazing and walked over to where Alanna was weeping behind the boulder. He was loyal to his master, of course, but he was also fond of Alanna, and knew well enough that she was upset. He sniffed the top of her head, and then nudged her gently with his broad gray nose.
At that moment, Lancelot had also recovered enough to part with the tree he had been leaning on. He turned around, and slowly brought himself to the boulder. His hand grasped the limestone rock uneasily as he looked down on Alanna’s crouched form. Clarric brought up his neck and snorted softly at his master, and then walked off to return to his grazing. Lancelot sighed miserably, and then lowered himself to his knees beside Alanna. While, amazingly, his initial stress had not brought tears to his eyes, he now felt the telltale burning and watering of his sight. He wiped away his first tear and then sniffed loudly to contain the rest.
“It has never been my intent to make you weep, Alanna. Never...” he began meekly. “And... I was wrong... with what I said. It was what occurred to me at the moment, when I was... well, when I was angry with you. But, in truth, I would cater to your wants, Alanna, more than my own. If you should never wish to step foot in Camelot, by God... I’ll do the same, if it means we will be together... even if it should make me unhappy. Even if it should prove me a hypocrite unworthy of knighthood...Oh, God damn it all, I love you, Alanna! All of this was brought up with us arguing about the future. Let’s not pay any heed to the future right now. We have our quest, and we have our love, and we’re here in this forest, by this river. This is what matters. The future will play out as the Lord will have it, but right now we are in charge of the present. And I would much rather be loving you than fighting.” He brought his hand down and laid it gently on her back, hoping that his words had helped to relieve her.