Alias, could you do for me what you did for Elizabeth- whenever you have time? Not major- just would like to know!

Hello, I'm kind of new to roleplaying. I made this account about a year ago but only just started using it about a month ago. I'm not entirely sure what roleplaying is all about. I've done something called a Continuous Story which is extremely similar, so really I've just been roleplaying like I was writing a story, is that all right? I was wondering if that would be a problem and if you think I should try writing differently. Thank you for your time.

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Tanteidan no Botan I decided to pick a post of yours in Secrets of Taboo.

He cursed under his breath, not taking care to choose whatever choice words he uttered. He nudged the lifeless body over with the end of his sword, causing it to turn over on its back. Some blood still slowly flowed from the deep slice through the creature's neck. The head was still attached which proved his angered carelessness.

My biggest concern is that you use too many words to get your point across. I'm going by Strunk and White's The Elements of Style, which suggests that you be concise, to help the reader get the gist of your story while reading, rather than reading until (s)he gets the gist of your story. Try rewording the post (even if its just a practice exercise), along the lines of this:

He cursed under his breath and nudged the lifeless body onto its back with his sword. Blood still flowed from the deep slice in the creature's neck, but the head was still attached, revealing his anger and carelessness.

I think I covered all of the events you intended (cursing, rolling the demon onto its back, blood, attached neck, anger and carelessness), but brought the section from four sentences down to two. A reader will attend to a concise and functional piece, but they might very well skim a longer more drawn out piece, searching for the important bits. Of course, don't condense just for the sake of condensing: you don't want run-ons.

A little later in the same post you write:

Shouldering his sword, he listened for anything else. And finally hearing nothing, his amber eyes drifted up to the sky. Perfect weather to reflect his current mood. Well, previously perfect weather. The sun's light had only just started to streak down towards the Earth from behind an opening in the grayed clouds above. He half wished the clouds still blocked out the light; he was frustrated and sunlight did nothing for him.

Maybe I was focusing on the wrong things, but it took until the very end of that section for me to understand his mood (when you explicitly said that he was frustrated). If you have ever heard of "Show Don't Tell" (SDT) from any writing professor, then you came very close to achieving it here. While trying to keep the reader in suspense over actions and events and memories is a worthy pursuit, keeping the reader in suspense with regards to your character's mood is a little counterproductive. I would suggest that that scene be reorganized first for him to recall the cloudy sky, second for the narrator to describe how perfectly that sky reflected his mood, third for the sky to be broken and your character to become only more frustrated.

Caveat: Showing rather than telling requires more words, which is the opposite of what my first suggestion was! While this seems counterintuitive (that I would give you conflicting suggestions), you should primarily use showing rather than telling to emphasize something (if his frustration was the more important element in that scene, then you chose correctly), while telling the less important portions so as to get past them quickly.

Even if you don't necessarily agree with my suggestions, I urge you to try rewriting an old post to be more concise (while emphasizing using SDT), or to rewrite as your write your next IC post anywhere, just to check if perhaps this might improve your writing. With respect to how you describe emotions and use literary devices, keep in mind that your readers might not be seeing the same thing as you in the scene unless you make it explicitly clear what they should be looking at

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Saken Saken, I looked at your post in A life unknown and did a thorough critique of it. As the post is recent, I assumed it to be indicative of your current writing ability. Here is a legend of my markup.

Things marked red are poor spelling/grammar.
Thing marked orange can be better worded.
Things struck out are suggested to be removed.
Things marked green are suggested additions.
[Things marked gray are my comments.]

Saken wrote:The night had finally camecome and Shane was in his chambers, staring into the polished metal that served as a looking glass, searching [verb] for any imperfection upon his face. He knew it was only [dinner with the king does not seem to be like an "only" situation] dinner with his Father, the king, but he needed to look his best for his sister, Jazz. Peering atinto his own green eyes he attempted a smile, showinged his teeth as he pushed a hand through his butchered hair, a frown pulling his features down. [Events seem to occur in this otherwise passive sentence that are unclear - why did he attempt a smile, but end with a frown?]

The hair cut had been a rather unwanted accident while he had beenas a result of trying to look good forimpress his sister, and the person whom had butchered his hairit in such a way was now, obviously, dead. He did not like the un-even strands and guessed his sister did not either, since she had not commented on them. Damn woman, never showing [Showing what? Emotion? Perhaps change the verb.] what he wanted.

A quick shake of his head hadsent the shaggy strands sliding a crossed aacross his clean shaved jaw as he sauntered from his room, holding his head high and ignoring the scurrying of maids and such below him, [This is now a runon, break the sentence up earlier, or at the latest here.] he did not need to worry about them for they mattered not in this society where he, his sister, his father, and anyone else deemed worthy reigned supreme. Yes, life was great for the prince- or, it had been if until he heard the sound of conversation in the hall way. [Reword. His life is still great, challenged only by the content of the conversation, not by the sound of that conversation.]

The delicate tone of his sister was beautiful [Tone should not be described as delicate, while features, complection, figure can. Tone should also not be applied to a person, while it can be applied to a voice or skin. Beautiful can be applied to anything, but is vague, and should thus apply to something more general, like a person altogether, while features should have more specific descriptors (like smooth, vibrant, etc).], and he allowed a smile to pull his lips upwards again [While this ~maybe~ gives an image of him controlling his actions, simply saying that "he smiled" would suffice], his green [Already known from first paragraph] eyes softening [How do eyes "soften"?] in untill her heard the blasted tonevoice of his blasted friend speak to her. True,It was true that he enjoyed sparring with his friend and was rather glad they sparred, although he wished they could take it too the next level- but the risk of injury was to great, but he also despised him for... [Since you declare negatively that there is a reason to like him, you should also provide a reason for disliking him. The specifics for why they don't all-out fight aren't necessary here.]

A flash of jealousy welled up in his chest as he let out a small, snaky laugh allowing thethat echoed his cruel tone to echo within the hall.-way as he. He stepped into view, giving and gave a sarcastic bow to the two. “'Lo Sistar, Aleexander.."He he trailed off, shooting his friend a veiled glare. How dare her talk to his sister, h! How dare anyone take up her time but him.!

I have identified some recurring problems. The most pervasive issue is that you tend to describe certain elements with words that do not describe those elements. While skin may be soft, a soft laugh might better be described as a giggle. While a smirk can be slight, a slight touch should be a caress. While you might describe hair or someone's appearance to be disheveled, to describe them as disheveled implies that their life is out of whack, not their appearance. Make sure that you know what you are describing, and what the words your are using refer to, as otherwise your audience wont get a clear image of the scene. Another problem that came up a couple of times was the run-on: you strung together several thoughts that did not have a direct relationship. In one case, the run-on actually hurt the impact that you were trying to relay to the audience. Reread each paragraph after you write it, pausing at every comma and stopping at every period, to see how it would sound to a reader.

Apart from a few spelling mistakes that will get taken care of just by rereading the paragraphs, you don't seem to have much trouble staying in character or describing setting, so my concerns wont be too difficult for you to overcome

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ButterflyMoon Your question is relatively easy to answer, so you can cut the line, so to speak. I applaud your involvement in collaborative story writing. Roleplaying is different only in that each author/writer/player has a particular character that they focus on and "own the rights to". While everyone can influence the plot, the setting, and various other elements, your character can only influenced by you. Of course, roleplayers will take cues from others' writing when their character should be affected in some way, but the other writers cannot tell you how your character feels, how they act, and what they say. So not only are you writing a collaborative story, but you are also playing the role of your character!

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Everyone else Feel free to post questions here or PM me. However, I currently have a queue of three to read through their posts and help identify things to work on, which takes some time and a lot of thought on my part. You are welcome to request that service, but if you have a more concrete question to ask I will be able to get to you quicker

Thank you! >///< I've just been worrying that I might do something wrong! I knew not to mess with others characters or make them say anything, so it's good to know I haven't been doing anything wrong! Again, thank you for your time! ^^

i know i have a problem with typing errors.. i usually do go back through and check them - now, i consider myself a good roleplayer, but even though my characters name, situation, and appearence change, even their sanity and time zone... i feel they all respond in the same way to things... like im stuck on one form of writing if that makes sense?
if you wouldn't mind taking your time out to read somthing i woul;d appreciate it, im only in one RP that isn't dead... but i would greatly appreciate if you would compare two with more than a paragraph requirement... 'The Asylum' or 'The Guardians - The Lost City'... i could link a few of those here if it makes it easier for you?
or you don't even have to read them, just suggest ways i could get diffrent responces from my characters... its not like im basing their reactions to what mine would be either, because my friend who RPs on another sight said thats were she finds fault when i talked to her about it...

Immortal, I'll take a closer took at the RPs you mentioned when I have the time (after I've done a critique for Saken and for someone who has PMed me), but for now I can give you a suggestion as to how to make an maintain characters that aren't all the same.

I'm sure that you are aware of character sheets and the like - something I don't generally approve of. However, making a character reference for your own use is always a good idea, and it should run along these lines:

Personality: List at least three personality traits, such as arrogance, chivalry, laziness, aptitude, amicability, hermit, etc.
Biography: Rather than writing an exhaustive foray into you character's past, ONLY write small anecdotes from their past which help explain their personality traits. If a man is chivalrous, perhaps he is trying to mimic his gentleman father, but is also naive? Or maybe his father was abusive to his mother, so he is chivalrous to break that cycle, but also spiteful?

When you roleplay, if your character ever has to react, refer back to the reference. If your biography doesn't explain how they would react, work a new anecdote into the current bio, and then use it to determine your character's reaction. If you're having trouble making your characters different, this will ensure that they have different personalities and reactions.

I'll take a closer look when I have the time, but I hope this helps in the short run!

I have been roleplaying here for a year now and have encountered only one serious problem.

When I create roleplays, I have a problem with the activity of the members of said roleplay. I can get people to join up, but it is very rare that they stay active and committed over a long period of time. Requiring a commitment before joining has not seemed to help, and I am genuinely frustrated by these casual roleplayers. Can you guys recommend anything I can do about this?

Unfortunately, it is hard to find good committed roleplayers that last the entire roleplay, but it can be done. I think the main issue is keeping them interested in the roleplay so that they want to post. From personal experience, if I lose interest in the roleplay then I find it harder to post, my posts are bad, and eventually I call in and drop out.

A few things that I've found that help, from my roleplay ADV-423. It started off fast pace with each user posting 2-3 times per day, but now its more like once or twice per week due to real life, exams and the end of school, something which I completely understand. Instead of just leaving the roleplay and waiting for people to come back on, I've kept constantly posting in the OOC topic with all the players for possible ideas on what happens next and on how to end this section, been as it's a trilogy.

Though players are a little bummed that it has slowed down, they are willing to wait until they can post again and I think another reason for this is because I've got a planned plot. I've given the players the beginning, the middle and the end and kept a tight rein on it. Even though the players don't know the exact ending, they know the basic ending to work towards. What happens in between the sections is up to them. I've got quite a few small plots going with various players as well as twists.

I started off with 17 players in ADV and I think by having a post limit of 2-3 per day helped as it stopped users posting numerously and suddenly having 20 posts by two or three users over night.

I'm not saying that these solves the problem of active roleplayers, but they have definitely helped for me as before ADV I was sure that group roleplays were doomed to fail. So, after saying all of this, I think the main things that help keep players active is:

- Constant communication with players through the OOC thread.
- Planned plot so players know where they are going.
- Allow for the fact that real life does get in the way.
- Keep players interested.
- Get players ideas and input.
- Post limit for players so that you don't wake up with 20 posts to read.

Also another thing I find is get players to type a couple of paragraphs (4-5 lines each) instead of one line. Again, when I only have one or two lines to work with, I start to lose interest as I can't post much more back or develop my character.

Saying all of that, it is also up to the other players that get involved. Unfortunately even if you keep players interested, some still just disappear. One thing I've done with ADV as some players have dropped out, is that I've had them killed off logically within the plot and used it to move the story along. I've also got another user to take on another user's character that was important to the plot but dropped out.

So, I hope some of the tips that I've learned from ADV to keep it going helps you and other users. It's still going after 2 months and I'm nearly at the end of the first instalment of the trilogy. Though, hopefully other threads can help. In the discussion and debate section there is a thread about active roleplayers. Maybe there are other tips to help you have a successful roleplay.

Active Roleplayers
How to Make Your Roleplay Successful Part One and Part Two written by Circ may also help.

Cream hit the nail on the head, True Grave.

If there is anything that I can recommend you do, it's set a goal and help your players get to that goal. If you know that your RP has an end, set a goal: 100 posts, 50 posts, or even 25 posts. A shorter RP lets you summarize it and use it as a preface for the next one. Use your own posts to set the pace, and your players will (hopefully) follow. Use the OOC to discourage open ended posts: they allow for the widest scope of responses, but many players find it difficult to respond without being prompted, and when it takes too much brain power to respond, a player will put it off until later, and will eventually forget about it. If you happen to read Pseudosyne's and my article on Play-by-Post Combat and Forum-Based Dueling we emphasize the response-and-prompt content of each post. If you pose an answerable question, someone will answer it. If you let your players know that you want all of their posts to pose a question, every player will move the storyline bit by bit.

If moving storylines and easy-to-respond-to posts don't help you keep your roleplayers, I can't imagine much else that will. I hope this works for you though, as I don't have any concrete examples demonstrating my theory. If it does, let me know!

That helps yeah (:
i always tend to just leave the bio where it was...
so i'll bear that in mind (:

Alias, do me a solid. I see you are working miracles here so I need to ask a favor of you. I arrived to a site, with much much higher standards than this one, and I was writing the IC post to attack a planet in their multiverse thread. I think I have several grammatical problems, but more importantly, my posts don't seem to have enough spice, as I want them to. Mind taking a look at the post that I wrote, or atleast half of it that I will be posting here?
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Destiny and Fate
-Breifing room

The briefing room was well decorated with various ornaments and relics that were scattered across the room in several hand selected sections. Rion could do nothing, but look as he fumbled with his thin, pale thumbs. One seemed thicker than the other as he gazed at it for a moment staring blankly at the two. Though Rion wondered to himself if it would be noticable amongst those who shook it, or took the time to stare at his hands. Rion realized that was unlikely after giving another final look to his hands. Rion was already in his XM-Darksuit, the black half-inch thick carbon-nanocell breastplate pressing hard against his skin. Now all he needed was the final briefing that would give him the thumbs up from the top scientists of the operation. Rion was prepared for his first operation since the Unified Mobile Suit Force's inception. He had made it up in his mind that despite what they said he would go anways. Some would call that arrogance, or otherwise ignorant. He however, didn't care what they called it. Normally he would have brought another agent with him, but he wouldn't need it. He already had even better alies by his side that would follow right behind him when he rained down the terror on the planet that presented him.

The air conditioning blew loudly as Rion sat in the room, and prepared for the conference. Rion was sweating profusely desipite the fact that it was so cool in the room. This was something that came with being anxious and nervous of a mission. That was indeed common amongst many new soldiers. He always sweated heavily before a mission. He always wanted everything carried out to the utmost perfection, and nothing less. The one thing that got to him more than what he could imagine, was failure. The keyword to any operation was sucess, so if he ever failed anything he did aggitation was to follow. He always had hated that word to begin with, and just thinking about the word, made him cringe, His ears began to ring, as he lifted his hand to scratch the ear softly. It then turned into a violent scratch that he focused on more than anything else at that moment.

Especially upon hearing the foot steps of the scientists and engineers walking down the hall way. The ring increased, and got louder and loud before suddenly stopping. He felt as it it would suddenly leap from his chest, and run around in circles. He was exagerating this animation in his head, as he then planted his hands firmly on the stainless steel titanium metal that was under him. This table was nice and firm, and extremely smooth to say the least, but that was not what was on his mind. The only thing that was on his mind was the animation of his heart leaping across the table, and doing several unrealistic things that would make him believe he was truly insane. He was doing this for fun entertainment. He wanted to keep his mind off of the operation by showing himself something that somewhat made him laugh. He could have stopped the montrocity that hopped across the table at any moment, but he didn't.

*beep beep*

The ring, sounding that the card had been slid in carefully to allow the door to open from the outside. The thick solid door would then slide open slowly as usual. The long white coated professors and engineers stood in the door way as the door shifted over. He would look up quickly and seemingly instantaneously. He had snapped out of his entertaining cartoons, and the first thing he gave was a mutual smile. They all had been talking loud as the door opened. Rion realized this when the noise of voices carrying throught the halls, and passing through the door immediately came to a stunning halt. It was as if they had seen a ghost, but he knew that wasn't it. They respected him far too much to talk infront of him. They always abruptly stopped their conversations to talk about at a later date when they were in his pressence. Infront of them, he was the most important, and they were already trained to completely divert their attention to his command. This wasn't because of his authority, because of his respect that he had built amongst them.

Though he was the leader of the offensive he worked more as an engineer than anything else. He had been trained to battle in various mechs, and his last mobile suit had been the Rasputin. But, now it was time to step it up a notch, and give this idea that had been developing for so long a go. This was one of those situations in which they would be testing specs, but moving for a win against The Technocrats as well. It essential that they attack now while they had the advantage, but they ran the risk of Delorix becoming unstable in the process. The GN Particle theory was thought to be perfected in the trials that had been run on it, but how would it go when it turned out to face off against a real threat? The simulations had shown its beauty and utter perfection in combat, but that was no more than a calculated projection. Numbers were no more than what they appeared to be. Numbers.

Rion would stand from his seat slowly, as he nodded to those that walked in. They bowed and took their seats in the comftorable leather seats that were posistioned around the steel table. He stretched for a moment. He would then give a faint yawn, and began to make his way across the table over to the presentation point. A projector that he would use upon engaging in the converation idly sat on the edge of the table. The projector was completely oceanic blue, and shapped to form cube like dimensions. Upon hovering his right hand within 5 inches of the cube, a column of photons shot from the top, as it formed into a pillar of light. It took some time to focus the projected image as he stared for a few seconds. In a matter of seconds, it had adjusted to a clear and complex picture of Delorix. Upon the cube focussing the lights in the room, dimmed, and the scientists stared at the complex picture. The Mobile suit, and its statistics, the diagram about 2 feet large, as the scientists and workers would begin to lean forward to study the diagram, Rion would then begin to speak slowly, his parsed lips opening to emit a statement.

"The test of the GN Particle Generator, and the GN theory in the tide of real-time combat is about to begin....Its first operation within actual real-life combat will take place on this day, in the attack against the core industrial planet of Halium. The objective is simple. To test its capabilities against the forces that the planet has to offer, and to destroy and conquer the planet to the best of its nature. Leave nothing standing, leave no one living. That is the objective of todays operation, and it seems that the chances of failure are 70/30. The concept still has flaws, that have not been reinforced, and thus-"

"Don't you think its a bit too early to be testing such a project?" The slick old man at the end of the table would roar. He slammed his fist firmly on the table. and his fit lit up with enough red to call him a volcanoe. The others turned and looked in awe as the caucasian mans face filled with a flushed red, looking right into the eyes of Rion. Rion simply returned the agitated look, as he quickly replies almost immediately.

"Yes, I do think its early. But life wouldn't be life without risks. If we don't take them we aren't living life as it should be. We have been givien a spectacular opprotunity to test this machine in the front lines of an assult against Halium, of The Lombardi Territory. Its not a convoluted section of territory, and fairly simple for battle. It should be easy for Delorix to wipe that place clean with the back up forces that will be assisting."

"Suppose that the GN particles, negative particles began to overflow beyond control? That would cause the destruction of not only you and Delorix. But all of you comrades, and probably the system itself. The negative particles continue to expand and eat matter until they have all selected a atom of matter, and converted into a void sort of energy that is capable of taking out virtually any type of physical matter. That system would be as good as gone, and us within range monitoring the battle would be obliterated as well. You know the chances of this happening is-"

"27% likely. Yes I realize what we are risking by engaging in this operation. We have yet to understand the form of which negative GN-particles work, and we weren't able to use it to our benefit. The building up of that particle would destroy everything if it overflowed, but do you realize that again that is a risk that I believe we all agreed to take? Upon signing up for this project you were asked to lay down your life for this, and you all agreed you would. Backing out of this, and telling me I cannot do this....."

"That dosen't change the fact that what you are doing is completely demented, and irrational. I am tired of you acting as if everything is good around here, and that we will not encounter failure. Everone must fail as one point, and for you to assume that we will 100% suceed...we are risking our lives. Not only that, but all of our reaserch, the project, the lives of the other forces that are coming in...its too much to bare. The fact that one single mistake, could result in the destruction of billions of people is...not a good feeling...."

The man had finally calmed down. He retreated back into his chair as he put his head up on a pedestal. He used his arm as a pilar, to sit his head on top of. His elbow had collided with the desk, upon his retreat. He knew that he had gotten far to emotional for his statement, but somehow Rion understood exactly how he felt. Even if that was the case, Rion didn't say a word to the comment, because he had already come to the conclusion that it was more of a personal issue than a scientific issue.

"Any other comments or concenrs of the objective?...." he uttered outloud.

The room fell silent once more. Not a single word was spoken in the wake of this comment. They all agreed that at some point this had to be tested, and they had come this far to not test it, so why pull back now? This was the best time to test it after having developed it thus far the final step was the in-field test. No one even bothered to open the space between their lips. Not a single mind in the room even thought about protesting against the operation taking place. The man who had blurted before didn't even thing about. The creation of GN particles did not come cheap, but at the same time the contingency of this plan was something they would have to rely on.

"Good. Then I will prepare for launch immediately. I trust that I can count on you all from here to monitor the progress and readings on Delorix as he is used." he would elegantly speak. He acted at this point as if he was of royalty, but this was common when he had a extremely important job to do. He stood, and advanced to the door as the scientists began to speak idly once more. Some tried to keep their minds off of this while the others wanted to talk and dig furhter into the statistics. Rion howerever needed to make a few stops before he made his way into the hangar so he didn't have any time to stop. Halting at the door, the motion sensors once again detected his presence, and scanned him. A red dot that emitted a laser across his body, but more importantly his face. It would then slide open as he escaped into the narrow clear hallways.

Destiny and Fate
-Hallway

Two things were in order, and would need to be completed before he initiated the launch. He needed to go and gather the rest of his belongs that he would take on the operation with him, and he needed to make a stop by the hanger initiation room. He wanted to make sure their were no rooms for failure in the launch into the cosmic unknown. He had never failed in a launch thus far, but he didn't want this day to be that day of failure. Normally he had a sly cocky grin on his face, yet the current circumstances had altered his mood greately into a utmost serious young man who was taking this very seriously. It was rare that he took a operation seriously considering he had a past of never failing. He hadn't failed a single test, or course in the academy.

He continued to stroll up the empty hall way slow as he made a left into the next hallway. After making the turn he continued to walk down the hallway for approximately 25-35 feet before he came to a immediate stop. He would turn to look and see his door, glancing at the sliding door for a moment as it slid open. His lights were off, but they quickly flickered with life to reveal the montrocity that he called a room. Clothes, gadgets, projects, papers, garbage, and all sorts of trash was scattered all over his floor. It was as if a tornado had occured in his absence as he began to notice how dirty it was. Another animation began to appeare in his head as he pictured the tornado rampaging through his room. He blinked, immediately dispersing the animation to reveal the dirty room in his eyes once more. He fell to his knees as he thrusted his prosthetic arm known as 'Grimmore' out underneath his bed. After pausing for a moment, and rummaging through the bottom of the bed he cocked a smile. He pulled his hand back from under the bed, to reveal a jet black leather case.

In thick gold letters in the front 'Etheral Blazer" was pasted on the front of the luxurious case. In the little diminuitive space he had to work in he began to open the locks to the case. He opened it slowly, as he began to have small flash-backs. He remembered firing the gun back in the day with his Grandpa. Those were the fun days when he enjoyed doing nothing but firing his gun, and honing his skills to become better.

*Click*......*Click*

The locks were released, as the case would slowly come open, to reveal the Etheral Blazer. This gun was one of the most sophisticated guns in history, that by chance rivaled the SIgma series of The Technocrats, but this gun didn't focus on psycological power to hurt foes. This gun focused on becoming one with the gun, to produce the highest results with the fire-arm. He had found that his skills since getting as far as he did with his firearm skills were unmatched, and had yet to be bested by anyone. The gun's desire, and his desire alone to be perfect was all that was needed to produce the perfect results that he so asked for. Even though he didn't feel he would need to use the firearm for this operation, it was best to keep it with him while he was on the field, for this gun alone could produce miracles.

He could see the images of Souloe firing the gun miles away from his posistion. Hitting a single can that was mounted on top of a wooden plank that he set up to test his skills. Indeed he had gotten rusty when it came to the timing of his firings, but his accuracy along with the vital posistions in the body were always hit when he fired. He aimed for the body parts, and the vital points of the body all the time. He was indeed a prodigy when it came to firing the gun, and could even curve it to turn around corners and hit the specified person. Though he had been slacking on his skill lately it wasn't as if someone would somehow suprass him. No one could, he was the greatest gunsman to ever live in his time, until his death.

Its apperance was admirable, a completely gold hand-gun, in the side engraved with Rions initials RD, is elegant cursive hand writting. The gun wasn't very large, but it was a bit bigger than most handguns you came around now adays. It sat in the case as he stared at it for a moment, and then slowly removed it. He slowly picked the gun, and the red velvet cloth it was laying on up out of the case. He wrapped it around the gun slowly as he then grabbed the U.E.C standard emergency kit to his left. He would take the gun, and put it in the U.E.C standard emergency case that was to his side. He would pick up the paper white case as he turned around, after grabbing his black Mobile Pilot Helmet. He looked back at the cluttered room once more as he proceeded out of the door, and up the cooridor. It was time to ensure the mission stability, before heading to initiate the starting sequence.

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[I think you have an idea on my writing style, and how this works. Mind helping me out some? Though that isn't the whole post, its more like half of it, that should be enough.]

Thank you, Alias! It's nice to know what I can improve on, and what I can do better. Thanks for taking the time to over look my post.

EDIT BY ALIAS: This service has been moved to mentoring-services-t25179.html and combined with Pseudosyne's for everyone's convenience!