((Here is a little peice that I had written as the prologue to a book I had been debating on writing. I post it here for all of you to see and offer advice and any other comments any of you may have. I welcome it. Enjoy! ^^))


'Immortality is naught but a curse of the flesh. True immortality is not living on, but leaving something behind when you pass into the Land of Mist. That's what I was told when I was young, and that's what I believe to this day. I have walked this dying Earth in a maze of time. Trapped, by this curse...this unfathomable idea of immortality.

In this society, we are known by many a name. Vampire, nightwalker, Shadow, the list goes on but we are none of these. We call ourselves the Shadow shifters. We look like any other human, but we possess a power of transformation to take any shape at will. Like any gift it has its limitations.

We can only enter a form as small as a cat, but as large as a hippo and stay in that form for a few hours. Call it a blessing to minimize the curse of living in this forsaken eternity. The elders in the society who haven't gone mad from the curse say that it is our purpose on Earth to protect the lesser humans. I think different. I will not just 'exist' in this world. Humans fear us and keep us in shadow. I will not hide any longer. I will change it.

I will not let madness overcome my senses like the Elders have done. I will find a cure to this way of darkenss. Once I find the antidote, i too will become immortal in another sense; be a hero to my kind. These are the thoughts I culture in my aged mind, yet youthful compared to the others. I sit crouched in the shadow of a roof, peering out into the city lights with the eyes of justice.

The moon shines bright, bathing the world in ever lasting light. No electric light could withstand the power of the moon, cutting shapes into the buildings and revealing the sicker natures of mankind in the alleys. My own dark clothing remain void of the light that is given but my face is ever visible. I stand tall and proud, cutting a solitary figure within the shadows. My dark hair flaps in the wind and caressed my face and into my pale green eyes. My cape sways behind me as I leap off my perch and land on my feet ready to embrace the world, for I am Justice, I am death, I am a soldier of immortality.

Being as you asked me to look this over, I shall and have and am and will.

All at once.

I notice that your paragraphs seem a little disjointed. Where you ought to have started a new one because you were talking about something else, it seems in a few places you've just combined them. This paragraph, for example.

'Immortality is naught but a curse of the flesh. True immortality is not living on, but leaving something behind when you pass into the Land of Mist. That's what I was told when I was young, and that's what I believe to this day. I have walked this dying Earth in a maze of time. Trapped, by this curse...this unfathomable idea of immortality.

The place in red is where it seems like it starts to get a little choppy. I would add more to the opening, and start a new paragraph with the second half. There are a few more of these, but they're easier to notice as a whole than they are to spot. I always run my brain over things three or four times before I decide where the paragraph should start in the final draft.

Also, my advice to you is to introduce a bit of the plot already if this is for a prospective book. Since this is very stream-of-consciousness, it might be good to show less exposition (mention of the abilities, yadda yadda) and begin with a more historical point of view. A good hook for a story or novel involves foreshadowing the main climax--if the climax is interesting, foreshadowing it should be interesting enough to get people to read on.

Most of my other comments involve stylistic things, and I wouldn't want your style and mine to fall into one big pot of kerfuffle, so I'll leave it at that for now.