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A&P's Mentoring Services

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A&P's Mentoring Services ( )

Postby Alias on Tue Jul 07, 2009 3:47 pm

I am Alias, a Mentor and Coder. Pseudosyne is a Mentor and Global Mod.

While you can approach any Mentor for help, Pseudosyne and I offer a very specific mentoring service, via critiquing. You can see some of our work in the Official Mentoring Thread. We are also jointly responsible for most of the articles I have posted on the RPA website.

If you would like our help, you need only to post here. If you have a specific sample of writing that you find indicative of your work, quote it or link it. Otherwise we will go off of one of your more recent posts.

Please state how you would like your responses. We can either post them publicly here (my default) or give them to you give a PM or IM discussion (Pseudo's default). As well, Pseudo likes to have an active discussion while I enjoy writing comprehensive critiques, so specify which you would prefer (although we are both capable of both).

If you have a general question, feel free to ask it. However, general questions are usually applicable to the entire community, and should be posed for all to see. Making a new topic will likely get you more responses, and might answer the same question for other users.

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A note to Mods and other Mentors: please do not post in this topic unless you are looking for the above service. PM one of us if you are interested in hopping aboard. Likewise, any members or Mentors looking to help should do so over PM. We like to keep our threads on topic.
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Alias
Member for 4 years



Re: A&P's Mentoring Services ( )

Postby pioneercadet on Tue Jul 07, 2009 4:52 pm

Hello Alias, Psuedosyne. I am wondering if there was such a thing as too flashy a first post for a thread. I will ask you specifically to take a look at this thread, an example of what I do when I make an rp.

knights-the-round-interest-check-t25133.html
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pioneercadet
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Re: A&P's Mentoring Services ( )

Postby Pseudosyne on Tue Jul 07, 2009 5:57 pm

Hi, Pioneer. I'll give you my response and Alias will also offer his thoughts if he has anything to add.

If by "flashy" you're simply referring to your use of graphics, I would say you don't need to worry about it all. People love to see some kind of interesting visual in an RP introduction. It not only hooks them, but it makes it seem more official and possibly more professional depending on how it's done. It's also immediately clear that you've put some effort into your introduction and potential players will therefore assume that because of this, you're committed to its success.

As long as your graphics don't impede your readers' ability to understand and follow your posts, include them however you wish. In your post, the only thing that stands out to me is the use of those break lines, which seems somewhat excessive. Other than that, your graphic use is fine.

The introduction itself is nice and concise. You manage to cover all the important things (backstory, basic info, rules, etc.) in a short space, so well done on that. I hope this answers your question.
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Pseudosyne
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Re: A&P's Mentoring Services ( )

Postby pioneercadet on Tue Jul 07, 2009 6:08 pm

Thank you so much for your help. If i can still edit my post, I will change the break lines to something more discrete. I really appreciate you taking the time to look at my first post, and thanks for the positive input. I am glad that you believe it looks better with some graphics. I spent a LOT of time preparing for this thread before I made it.
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pioneercadet
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Re: A&P's Mentoring Services ( )

Postby Frozen Soul on Tue Jul 07, 2009 6:13 pm

Anything and everything is appreciated comment wise on the post. The one thing i asked is for you to reply in a private message ! Thank you in advance for your time ! :)



The Valley of Souls during the Winter (viewed from above)

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The fiend roared with hunger, it's eye twitching left and right, tails swinging violently to the sides as their orbs seemed to ignite one by one, just like fires in a sere forest. Sharp claws scratched the earth beneath them with fury, causing dust to rise rebelliously, forcing the man to cover his face with one of his hands. This beast was nothing like he had ever seen or heared off before. It was just as if the creature was pulled out of long, forgotten tales, recited around the campfire by elders holding the stories of their generations in the depths of their minds.

An unexpected movement caused the man to leap several feet back, his eyes now widened in amazement as everywhere around him, one by one, like shooting stars upon the night's sky, men and women began to materialize as if out of thin air. Oblivious to the titan which stood in front of him, he narrowed his gaze, his guard lowering for one short moment as he tried to realize if his eyes we're playing pranks on him, or, if what he really saw were other beings such as himself. Unexpectedly, a light pale of wind ran itself across his cheeks as a peculiar female landed to his side, gliding down from the heavens. A draiken, Alakor quickly judged by her traits. She was young, short green hair making it's way down upon her face, and had the traits of a warrior.

His eyes gleamed with unbound joy as the woman displayed her katana, the man only now comprehending that she was a Gate Keeper just as himself. "Thank the seven lights of Ner'dhul." he thought to himself, his gaze running up and down on his newly found ally.

Another reverberating howl penetrated the valley as with a sudden movement the beast shifted it's entire body, plunging two of it's tails towards the unknown woman and himself. Caught off-guard, he gasped, desperately springing to his side in a attempt to dodge the attack. The two tentacle-like-limbs slammed in to the ground with rage, causing Alakor to loose his equilibrium for one brief second, the man now hovering throughout the air face towards the ground. In the blink of an eye, he stretched his left arm towards the cold earth below him, chanting with a loud voice: "Fury of the twelve flights, lift me to the heavens", the spell producing a thin shaft of light which seemed to emerge from the palm of his hand. The ray of energy immediately began to pierce through the air with blinding speed, colliding with the earth silently and vanishing as it did. He grinned, feeling his body propagated a few feet above the ground, the man now having a complete view of the valley he was drawn too. Tilting his head left and right, his eyes glared upon the survivors which seemed to watch his battle against the hellish beast just as if it was some kind of freak-show.

He gulped, feeling gravity pull him down mercilessly as both of his hands locked around his blade, the man crying out: "Burn, White Phoenix.". A bright flash seemed to envelop his weapon for a short moment, a lament of pain emanating through the scenery as the man landed on one of the tails belonging to the brute, his sword piercing it's flesh, creating a deep wound placed near the fiery orb at it's tip. A thick black liquid began to gash out of the cut, drops of blood splattering themselves against the land and the man's clothes, causing them to gain a black-reddish color just as if he was the one bleeding.


Swiftly darting a few steps back the man took advantage of the memento he had created and, with a desperate battle cry he charged towards the beast, his blade still barring the shape of a beam of white fire, Alakor beginning to produce a series of rips and slashes on the creature's tail, the white fire flickering every-time it made contact with the fiend's skin, just as if it disliked the taste of it's blood. He paused for a seemingly never-ending moment, beginning to chant as he leaped backwards: "Favor of the dragon queen, i call upon you." causing the blood which lay scattered on the beast's tail to boil, the behemoth now swinging it frantically as if blinded by the pain. Without warning, in the blink of an eye he had reached his goal as the fiery orb which was placed at the tail's tip crashed against the ground, it's impact resonating for a couple of more seconds, just like a after-shock.

Using the few seconds he had to spare, he shouted to those around him: "Help me, or we shall all perish here like martyrs."
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Frozen Soul
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Re: A&P's Mentoring Services ( )

Postby Alias on Tue Jul 07, 2009 7:59 pm

PioneerCadet, I saw your topic before you made Pseudo's suggested changes and have checked it again just now. I applaud the current look! It draws the reader in, and then focuses on the content. I might even cut away the banner and image at the bottom, but the top of the post looks great. As Pseudo said, graphics make your reader appreciate your effort more, but once you've hooked them into reading your text you want them to focus only on your text and on the response they are about to write!

As well, you might want to uncheck the "Include your Signature" checkbox for that post, since your signature currently advertises that very post =]

Frozen Soul, that is a pretty awesome piece, and I've PMed you a critique =]
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Alias
Member for 4 years


Re: A&P's Mentoring Services ( )

Postby pioneercadet on Tue Jul 07, 2009 8:05 pm

Again, thank you both for being so kind as to help me "trim the fat" off of the graphics in the post. It has been a real help and a real confidence booster to know that, with the text in mind, I can make much better posts.
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pioneercadet
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Re: A&P's Mentoring Services ( )

Postby Dämonmensch on Wed Jul 08, 2009 12:30 am

Hello Alias, Pseudo

I would like some help in fine tuning a character of mine through some constructive criticism. You can find him here: characters/Kai%20Achim .

Basically what I want to know is if there are any suggestion you might have to improve upon him. I don't mean make him stronger or realistic. I mean in ways to better present him.

It would probably be best to do this in a PM or IM as I would like to bounce ideas back and forth.
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Jeunne Sorcellerie: A place where magic and war mesh together. Enroll today. [OOC]
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Dämonmensch
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Re: A&P's Mentoring Services ( )

Postby Alias on Wed Jul 08, 2009 1:31 am

Dämonmensch, I've sent you a suggestion over PM, and hope that it helps you out! I copied Pseudo on the PM, so he will add anything that I've missed =]
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Alias
Member for 4 years


Re: A&P's Mentoring Services ( )

Postby Pseudosyne on Fri Jul 10, 2009 11:47 am

I actually have very little to add to Alias's comments; what he said is basically what I was thinking as I read your initial character and what you've changed it to. If you have any further questions on it or would just like to discuss it some more (since you said you like to bounce ideas back and forth), I'd be happy to do so with you. Just PM me an IM screenname and the best times you're available and I'll get in touch with you.
Last edited by Alias on Fri Jul 10, 2009 1:02 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: too -> to
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Pseudosyne
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Re: A&P's Mentoring Services ( )

Postby Krogren on Thu Jul 16, 2009 12:11 am

Hello Alias, and Pseudo! I'd like you to critique a character that I'm hoping to use in a new RP.
I have a few questions, and I would appreciate any and all critiques, guidance, and advice on him.
First off, is he unbalanced? I've tried to include weaknesses, but it is hard for me to think of them. I've tried to limit his strengths to a few areas; diplomacy, wood crafting, and bow use, basically.
Second, is the appearance description adequate? I'm at a loss how to describe what I see in my head, but I did try to do the best I could.
Lastly, is there anything missing from his character sheet? By this I mean, is there anything that a well-developed character needs that mine is lacking?

This character description is slightly long, so I completely understand if you can't or don't want to read through it all. I've tried to organize, and bold the titles of the different sections so that you can scroll through it easier, and pick out the important information. I apologize if its too long, or boring. I'm by no means a great, or even good, writer. Thanks so much for reading up to this point! I welcome all critiques of this character. I would prefer the replies be in Private Message form. Thanks a lot again. ~Krogren

Some of the following has been me brainstorming a bit, and I've tried to cut the unimportant, or redundant stuff out. Here's the Character description:
Name: Estin Oakrain Roneli
Alias(es): Oakrain, Woodmaster
Race: Elf
Age: 764 years old.
Gender: Male
Appearance: Estin stands at 6’6”. He has shortly cut silver hair that looks slightly unkempt and messy, even though he takes good care of it. He has deep blue eyes, and when you look into them its almost as if you’re staring into your self. His eyes and hair are his most defining aspects. He has a lean body, and prefers to wear brown, comfortable clothing.

Equipment: A finely crafted oak bow. The wood looks still alive, and glimmers as if it is slightly wet. A steel rapier, black hilt, silver hand-guard, and nondescript blade. He also carries a special logic game, called an Ama handasse. (Which means cunning in Elvish). He also carries a small dagger which he uses to whittle wood.

Birthplace: An elvish village in the mid outskirts of a forest. The village was called Snowbrook. Despite its name, the local creek was never filled with snow.

Biography: Estin Oakrain Roneli was born at night, under the stars. His parents, his father was a master craftsman and his mother taught at a school of magic, were traveling from an elvish town to the small village of Snowbrook where his mother was to begin teaching at the local school of Conjuration. Before they reached their destination, the time of Estin’s birth came, and he was born in a small clearing just a short distance from Snowbrook.

His father trained Estin in his craft, and his mother did everything she could to see that he got a proper training in various forms of magic. When Estin turned of age, he left Snowbrook, and served for several years in a forest guard detachment. Here he honed his use of defensive magic, and his use with a bow.

Shortly after he left the guard, he returned to Snowbrook and took up his father’s trade. As he was already trained, Estin was able to become a greatly respected wood crafter. For several years he went on trading expeditions into Human and Dwarf lands, where he sold his and his father’s goods. It was because of Estin’s familiarity with humans and dwarves that several council members asked him to serve as a diplomat between the three races.

He served for approximately twenty years in this position, mediating between the races. During this time, he also came into contact with all manner of races; Draconians, and different offshoots of human and elfkind. After his tenure as a Diplomat was up, he took a post as a Captain of a Forest guard detachment that was very close to human lands. Here he further developed his skills at mediating between groups. He once more retired from his post, and went back to his first love, woodworking in the small village of Snowbrook, where he lives today.

Does for Fun: Plays a logic game (Chess). Carries this kind of game in his backpack and plays it by himself for fun. Invites anyone to play against him.

Social Status: Renowned woodworker. He also served as a Diplomat for several years, where he mediated between elves, dwarves, and men.

Profession: Master Wood worker. Crafts bows, whistles, furniture, and basically anything else using hand tools. His logic game he crafted himself.

Combat Speciality: Ranger. Though Estin is a wood worker, he is not unskilled with his rapier, nor is he unskilled with his bow.

Unique Skills: Besides his natural affinity with wood, Estin is able to ‘imbue’ the wood items that he crafts with special abilities. For instance, his arrows are stronger than normal arrows, strike with more accuracy, and are able to penetrate thicker armor. His bows never break, and his other creations have an enchanting aura about them. (I’m unsure as to what School of magic this would fall under. In D&D I believe this would be a School of Alteration.)

Magic: School of Destruction(Control of the elements). He never uses magic offensively (IE, he never casts a fireball at someone), but only defensively. He also has the skills mentioned above, which allow him to imbue wood with certain qualities.


Important Past Events that changed Estin’s Personality:
When serving as Captain of the Forest Guard, Alera detachment, his men were forced to protect the Town of Alera a pride of Farr’al’kai. Using all of his stratagem, Estin was able to out flank the pride, and using bows brought them down before they could reach the town. But in order to gain this advantage, he was forced to send a squad of five elves into direct confrontation with the Farr’al’kai. The elves didn’t stand a chance in the melee, and were slaughtered. It was Estin’s responsibility to give this news to their families. He has never been the same since. He will no longer risk the life of his allies, and this turns into a weakness and a strength. He attempts to always avoid loss of life, but this means that sometimes he waits until it is too late to attack. He also has a fear of losing any other friends and comrades in battle. This is a strength because he will protect them at almost all costs, and a weakness, as he will sometimes leave his guard open while he protects a comrade.

Estin focuses mostly on his rapier, longbow, woodcrafting, and defensive magic skills. His skills at mediating seem almost natural and innate to him. Therefore, his skills in other areas are limited.

Hook: A patient, mediating elf. Attempts to be neutral in most things. Loves to bring things and people together.

Motivation: He loves creating things. Be it wood objects, to alliances between peoples, he loves bringing things and people together.

Alignment: Good - Neutral
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Krogren
Member for 3 years


Re: A&P's Mentoring Services ( )

Postby Atilme on Tue Sep 01, 2009 1:56 am

Hello, I was wondering if I was any good at RPing, and I would like some help. I don't have any content for you to judge my skill on, but I would like to know my skill as an RPer, and then go into the main forums and start to Roleplay. I guess what I'm asking is if either one of you would be willing to judge my skill based on a conversation, maybe a thread, where you put me through tests. Maybe an RP where you assign me a character and see how well I play him. Or perhaps you would make a world with a specific objective and see how well I can make a character, play him, and achieve my objective. If you don't have enough time, don't want to do it this way, or are simply too busy, I completely understand. I simply want a unbiased opinion who is skilled in Roleplaying to judge my skill as an RPer, and I am open to suggestions as to how this would be accomplished. I would like critiques and conversation, but I realize that both of you most likely wouldn't want to take on the same job. You can contact me any way you want, either through Reply, PM, or IM (Which is in my profile). I realize what I'm asking is kind of unusual and taxing on the person who would mentor me, and I apologize for it. However I urge you to only accept if you really want to do it, and not just because I asked. If you feel that I am going about this in the wrong way, and that being in an RP and posting in it would enable you to judge my skill more efficiently, then please tell me. I thank you for your time in reading my post, and I am looking forward to your response.
"Cogito ergo sum"
-René Descartes
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Atilme
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Re: A&P's Mentoring Services ( )

Postby whisperedsecrets on Fri Dec 25, 2009 4:03 am

Hey guys, I joined the site a few days ago and I've gotten straight into RPing. I've been RPing for a while but I've taken it up again now after a really long break. I would appreciate it if you guys took a look at a 1x1 i'm in right now. HERE. I was hoping that you could let me know how i'm doing and give me some tips on how to improve. Could you PM me a critique?

Your help would really be appreciated <3
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whisperedsecrets
Member for 3 years


Re: A&P's Mentoring Services ( )

Postby ImmortalSin on Sun Dec 27, 2009 5:20 pm

@whisperedsecrets

Alias hasn't logged in since the 10th of November, and Pseudosyne hasn't been on since the 15th of December. You might find you'll get a quicker response from one of the other mentors (blue names) at this point. Just a suggestion.
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ImmortalSin
Member for 4 years



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