People die all the time. You hear it on the news, read it on the newspaper. Pets die. Your fish did not run away. It died. I just never told you that. Rabbits die. Bambi’s mom died. Dreams die, hope dies. The hibiscus died, so did the roses and the mint. Grandma died. I just never thought you would die. I should have realized that everyone hangs on webbed silver thread. Ready to snap with the softest of rain, ready to disappear with a snatch of a broom. We were fragile. But oh so beautiful clinging to each other but now the thread tore.

There is nothing left of you. Where is your smile? Where is your song? When it rains and thunders I still sit up waiting for the sound of your feet running down the hall towards me. I still expect the backdoor slamming and your voice carrying “Mom, look at this cricket” or look at this other bug. You were always bringing bugs home, from butterflies to beetles and I always let you keep them in a jar with holes, until they became old and died, leaving a hull. Estrange how it was you that died and we that were left in hulls. After the bugs died we would take them out and crush them then put them in a balloon and fill the balloon with helium. I would have to drive all the way to the store and fill up the balloon there. On the ride back you held the balloon reverently until we were home. We released the balloon from the backyard while you said something nice about the bug and then you would cry and cry.
I wonder if someone touched us, would we crumble down?

When you were born I was so full of hope for you. You were just beautiful with your dark mop of hair and bright green eyes. You were the final seal on our happiness. Your sister couldn’t keep her hands off you, hugging you, holding you, sleeping next to you. You never slept in a crib because Charlotte was always there curling you up beside her. Your father proudly showed you off. He bought you everything you wanted from the tea set to dolls of all sizes. Your nursery was painted by me and your father, and Charlie picked out the crib.

I should have known so much happiness was never stable. It was not right. I should have seen the end. I was blind. A lot of things can die. Ideas can die, trees die, animals die and humans die. I knew that. I just did not know that you could die.

((Holy shit that's good! mine's gonna sound stupid now! lol))

Nick walked the field, as the team went on practicing. Yelling a few times at the players, who he knew had so much talent but didn't use it. He remembered before school started he would bring Emma to practices, the team would call her there "littlest Angel" and "good luck charm" every time she was in the seats they won. the question was now how were they gonna win the big game Friday.

"Alright! Huddle up!" he shouted as the came in. "Pep rally today, you all are gonna be there... We're playing Dillon ((heha!)) this Friday and you know they are gonna put on a hell of a fight!" the team roared "Pride of Lions!"

and Nick walked back to his office, sitting down at his desk he looked at the picture Emma gave him, he smiled when his assistant couch came in. "You know Nick, If you need to take of some time... I can can handle things here, for a few weeks."

"NO!" Nick said putting down the drawling, "the last thing I need right now is to go home, I just can't" he paused, "It's too quite... I can't handle it..."

"Nick..."

"Don't Nick me!" he said, "I'm fine, I can handle it besides we got a good chance for state this year, I need to be here..." he sighed, as the assistant couch stated to leave and said, "I know what you're thinking Jay, and your wrong I'm not in denial..."

I scrubbed down the entire house from top to bottom and took down your pictures. I do not want you to think I am trying to forget you, but passing by those frames with you smiling at me, with you playing. with you being you tears me up inside. I took them all and put them in your room. It still smells of sunflowers in there, sunflowers and the lotion you spilled on the carpet. There is still your basket of laundry with your dirty dress and your t-shirts. Your sneakers are in the corner and your dolls line the wall. I lay in your bed often looking at the yellow ceiling with the large stars we glued last summer. It smells of you and I can't stop crying.

Your father is never home now. I do not know how, but this home became so silent, so gloomy so full of silent tears against your pillow. I slept here last night and the night before that, curled up with your teddy bear and holding your blanket.

I remember you. I remember your laughter...I remember the way you use to stand outside the door everyday and stare at your lemon tree.
"Mom, soon the lemons will be yellow, don't you think so mom" and i always yelled yes from the kitchen.

The neighbors came with casseroles and pity. Casseroles of chicken and pasta, of spaghetti, of macaroni and cheese. I stowed it in the freezer for anyone who was hungry, but yesterday when I was cleaning, it was still there.

Emma, my sweet Emma why did you go?

I can't stop the tears, hidden here in your room with all of your pictures on the bed. I wonder what they will say when they come home and see the bright squares of paint that did not fade because of the frames. The frames of the pictures i took. But even if they plead, I won't give them back. They are all I have of you.

A memoriam:

I realized after Jay left, that I was out of clean clothes, I've been spending the last few nights in my office on the small cot you used to play fort under. So I now had to go home, I sighed in anguish thinking when I walked threw that door. You wouldn't be there, and your mother's been so depressed lately I haven't seen her since the funereal. Is this truly a healthy marriage anymore, anyway?

I remember when, your Aunt died your Grandmother would start taking me Dress shopping. Hoping she could have the pageant girl she really wanted. I remember standing in fount of the big, mirror as she pinned a big pink débutante dress back, and me to squeamish to stand still, she kept yelling "stand still or I'll prick you!". All I can say about that, is if your Grandfather hadn't already gotten me into Football, you may never have been born.

I pull into the driveway, and grab my duffel bag from the trunk. I walked threw the fount door not noticing your pictures missing, I just wanted to get in and out as fast as I can. I dumped the dirty clothes in the corner and proceeded to pack new ones, from the drawer. When I found that tie you got me for Christmas, last year damn thats going to be a dull holiday this year.


((Is that good on the 2ed person?))

I heard your father come in, but I burrowed myself under your covers. He would come in and then leave. I don't think he cares anymore Emma. I do not think he loves me anymore.
And Emma, I am so sorry, but I do not think I do either.

We met after I had Charlotte. Charlie was four and a sweet little girl with a red thatch of hair and a mouth full of spunk. She was the one who met your father out by the park. She told him something about wanting ice cream and that I said no. SHe dragged him to where I was. I do not know what happened between us but I was in love and seven months later we got married .

For years we tried to have a baby and then suddenly there was you.

I looked up when there was no more sound. I had no idea if he had left but with a pain seizing my heart i walked to the door and wrenched it open.

There i stood with my curly hair tangled and with bags under my eyes facing the white wall and the door to my bedroom. I had not gone in there for a while. The first night it had been lonely. I had cried and cried and your father was gone. Then I had sought your bedroom, that place in the whole house was full of you.

I walked farther out of your room, in my baggy sweatpants and long sleeved t-shirt. I had lost weight and now this was the only clothes that hid the absence of the curves I used to have.

"Nick?"
My voice was hoarse from the lack of use.
"are you there" but I really wanted him not to be. Emma, I never told you that your daddy and I had problems...because I thought we would fix them...but Emma...I don't think we will.

A memoriam:

After setting the tie down in the bag, I herd your mother's voice at first I thought it was an allusion for it was so soft. But I slowly turned around to see her, and the wreck she looked... I kept silent but wanted to say something, each time I tried thou my mouth went dry. Almost like the day I met her, But now she looked so much different as if the woman I loved was no more and replaced with someone else.

I remember that day, as if it was yesterday... It was also my first official day as head couch of the lions. Me and Jay were reading over some plays in the park, when Charlotte found us. The rest was history; I fell in love with your mother at first sight. Our first date included my first game, followed of course by dinner and a movie. But is this state it seems Football is always betters then a movie.

“I…” I finely spoke, “I ran out of clean clothes…” I said keeping my head down, I couldn’t look at her. I tried forcing a glance at her, but it didn’t work either. I zipped up my bag, and stood in fount of her. Still trying not to look, I did thou and sow something I didn’t see before. “I’m sorry…” I muttered.

I wanted to hold her, let her cry on my shoulder. But I couldn’t instead I asked, “are you coming to the game, Friday? First game of the season after all…”

"is that all you care about?"
I asked before I could stop myself.
I was tired of mourning alone, of hugging your teddy to my breast, of answering the questions of the neighbors and trying to hold myself together while he was out there playing football.

Emma, I am not saying he did not care for you. I am not saying that at all. It just pains me to know I am the only who gives a damn that you are not here.
I am so tired Emma, so tired of everything and I wish you were here. I wish I could hold you again and kiss you when you go to sleep.
I hate myself for not standing in front of the door as you rode away.

"football...is that all you can think of? " I stared at him. I did not recognize this man. This man was not your father Emma. He was a mess. He was not the man i fell in love.

Emma, sometimes when you were alive, I would lay in bed for long periods of time waiting for your father to come home but Emma your daddy sometimes would not come home at all.

What he was doing? I can easily guess, but I hid the knowledge from you and your sister and from him too. It was my family and I had to keep it together...but now I am no so sure Emma.

You might have been what kept us together because now...the family we once used to be is no more.

I took a step forward "when are you coming back...So I can fill you in the calendar and maybe mark off the days...since you happen to be a very casual event now"

A memoriam:

“All I care about?” I questioned; unsure how to answer, did she really think that. Football has been the only thing in my life that has stayed constant and never changed. Every time something happens I've always been able to turn to Football to heal the pain. It's just who I am; but what your mother said wasn't true, there are things I care about more. But they all seemed to drift away from me the, day you were taken from us.

“Cut the crap Eleanor, you know it’s not!” I said defensively, and a little loud. "I didn't come here for you to make me feel guilty, I just needed some new shirts..." I muttered, and walked back to my beg. Finishing putting a few more things in it, then zipped it back up. I looked at her, straight in the eye and said. "I thought you would want to get out of the house," I pulled the bag over my shoulder... "But I guess I was wrong...." I waited for her to let me pass, looking back at the floor again not showing her my pain.

I remember the last game I took you to Emma, how when we won you ran out on the field and started cheering with the rest of the team. It's a shame you didn't get to go to state, but your mother was right it was a long drive to Dallas. and you would properly be too tired to see most of it anyway. We lost, but i'm not so sure it was you that made us loss, because the entire team set out to win for you. But I guess it wasn't enough to beat the panthers after all. ((hehe another FNL's reference))

I watched as mom and dad met for the first time in months. If I had died would they be this sad?
No. Probably not. Emma, they loved you more than they ever loved me. I was the one that was brushed to the side. You'd never felt that way before. And you never will.
The day of your funeral, when we got home, I went into our garage and took your bike. Nobody would notice, the only person who ever goes in there is me when I go to break the jars that you once held bugs in, refusing to let us reuse them because "another buggy couldn't replace that buggy in that jar, because that was the first buggie's jar". Well, I went in there and took your bike, and walked down the street. Old Mr. Johnson shouted "hi" to me. I didn't respond, just focused on the bike and I. The bike was mangled, metal twisted with that little bell you loved to ring so much crushed like an aluminum can. I took it to that little dirt road that you said led to the place where the fairies live. I picked up that little bike, and I rolled it down that little dirt road. Now it's a fairy's playtoy. But when I had my grip on the hndlebars, I could still feel the place where you used to put your hands. Your tiny little hands, not half the size of mine. The same little hands that used to squeeze the lemons after they got old enough. The same little hands that I used to hold in mine during the sad parts of a movie. And that's all life is, right Emma? A sad movie. Because, in the end, everybody dies, there is no happy ending, just small glimmers of joy.
When dad came home today, I actually saw mom come out of your room. And then they talked, and then they argued. And then dad yelled. And I wanted to smack him, and I wouldn't get in trouble, because he wasn't my father anyway. But then again, Mom becomes less and less like mom every day. And I'm starting to feel less and less like Charlie.
Mom never cooks anymore. The plates on the table gather dust, and the food in the pantry and the fridge has gone bad, and I threw it out. Now, for breakfast I have a vitamin and three painkillers. I have the same for dinner. Breakfast gets me through lunchtime. But today, I washed the dishes, just for old time's sake, and I handed them to you to dry, but you dropped them, and I ended up having to sweep up the broken peices. I wish we could do that with life, then everything would just be so easy. Don't you think so?
No, of course not. You aren't very mature, Emma. You never really cared. I wish you would've let me walk you to your friends house. Then I would've died with you, and I wouldn't have to live with knowing that our family's falling apart. I'd be dead knowing it, like you. And you think that I should fix it, because really what can you do? You're dead. Dead, dead, dead. But I'm alive, and therefore I should make them listen, right? Wrong. Because mom and dad don't give a damn about me, and they never did! i brought them together, Emma. But you kept them connected, something I could never do. Because they don't give a damn, they just don't.

Before you were born sweetheart, I started to regret some things. I guess then I just didn’t see what marriage was about. But when I held you in my arms, and sow your mother’s face. I knew what it was, the real reason for marriage, is to have your own family. But God took that away, and now I’m lost again, in a black silky thread of regret. Not of you baby girl, but for things I’ve done.

That day after the funereal, I couldn’t go home I just couldn’t go back and face it. I went to the field instead. Sitting in the bleachers I swear I sow you running in the out field, in your dress the same color as that lemonade you loved so much. I must have sat there all night, thinking about everything.

“I’m gonna go, before I start a fight here” I said noticing Charlie looking in on us. “I’m just gonna grab a beer and go,” I walk out, and head to the kitchen; opening the fridge I realized it was empty. I moved around the kitchen opening random cabinets for something, some sign that there was food in the house. But I never found it, I stumbled backwards in the realization wail I was eating, fine they were starving… “Oh God!” I said silently. Feeling like I’d abandoned my own family. But I still need someone else to say it wasn’t how it appeared,

I walked into the doorway, and looked at your mother, “please tell me you were just about to go shopping…” I uttered.

((dum de dum de dum))

In books you always know what sort of ending it will have. Read a romance novel and it will be a happy one, a horror might have a truly twisted ending but you can always guess what the ending will be. I wish we were a book, so I could skip to the end and see if we end up well. Life is different than a book. You always live with hope, with hope to a better future, with hope for everything.
Hope is dead now. Dead like you Emma.

Hope died when the police came knocking on my door. It had been a normal Sunday and I was making toast for your sister and I since your father was not home that day. There was tea brewing, a fresh concoction of mint and lemongrass that I had learned from your grandmother when I was a little girl. You, Charlie and I loved to drink that with a bit of honey and fresh toast.
Your sister had been upstairs I think and I could hear rummaging trough her room.
The doorbell rang once and then twice and finally a third time . I went lazily
And with a grin opened the door.
There was a cop car in front of the house and the cop that drove it looked somber.
“are you Eleanor Leigh?”
“yes sir” I said.
“The mother of Emma Elaine Leigh?”
I narrowed my eyes. My heart was beating fast against my chest and at that moment I wanted to call Stacy’s mom to check up on you.
“yes sir, is something wrong” Oh Emma, was there something wrong? Everything was wrong. Every single thing was wrong. I should have driven you to Stacy’s but you had wanted to take your bike. She lived only down the road and as you had said “Mom I am seven years old! I am not a baby anymore! Stacy lives just a few houses down…Please can I go? I’ll be back for lunch”
And I let you go.
“Mom, I can’t find my shoes” Charlie yelled running down the stairs.
“In a minute Charlie.” I said.
“ma’am your daughter was in an accident.” He said.
Now I could hear the siren of the ambulance . I moved from the door and ran to the street. I could see the people being shoed and the cop cars surrounding a spot. I did not bother to put on shoes. I did not bother to close the door. I just ran ignoring the pebbles under my feet.
Charlie was right behind me I think, because when I got to the scene she said “Oh My God! Emma!”
There you were in your yellow dress, your body was crumbled against the pavement and your bike was smashed down the road.
There was such awful amount of blood Emma.
The cop put a blanket over you and then the ambulance came. I wanted to hold you Emma. I wanted to kiss your dark curls and sing you a lullaby. I wanted to turn back time and lock you in your room.
They say that when you die your entire life passes in front of your eyes. I don’t know that, but I know that I remembered every single detail of you. From your perfect hands when you were born to how you slurped your cereal in the morning.
I waved on my feet, hugging myself.
But you were not dead yet Emma. The paramedic said so. I was full of hope again. I wouldn’t care if you couldn’t walk, I would wheel you around for the rest of your life. If you went in a comma I would sit by your bedside until you woke up. Because I would still have you. Charlie and I rode on the ambulance and waited in the lobby while the doctors did their work somewhere in the bowels of the hospital. I was barefoot and my hair hung down my back and I was still in my pajamas. When the doctor finally came out I knew from the look on his face that you were gone. I wringed my hands and the tears spilled down my cheeks.
“I am sorry Mrs. Leigh, we did the best we could but your daughter”
But my daughter was dead.
That was when hope took its last breath and died. You were gone and it had happened one hot Sunday morning in July ten days after your birthday.

There was no denial there. I knew you were gone. I cried and cried. When my sister came to take me home she had to almost drag me. I could not leave you here so lonely and crushed. I was drugged trough the funeral and even after. I don’t remember what drug the doctors gave me but it left me in a hazy stupor.
There is no more hope for us Emma.
I looked down and there she was. My Charlie, for a second I started to move towards her but then I stopped. It was like we were strangers.

Then your Daddy came back to the stairs. The question simply went over my head and I shook my head numbly.
I had not gotten out of the house since you had left us...

I just looked at your mother, in a puzzled way. “So what have you been eating then?” I asked, “Because you know there’s no food in this house at all right?” I asked looking at a little pissed out that she could really let things go so out of hand. “What are you insane?” I asked, “Do I got to send you to some head shirker?” I pulled my hair back I couldn’t look at her, but I still said. “Damn it, when did you run out of food?” she had to know this, I mean really she had to be really out of it not to know.

I didn’t know you died, until I got home that night. No one called me, or anything. I just came home looking for your bright face to appear, but it didn’t. At first I thought your mom was kidding around with me, not she ever really did before. But I ran to your room praying it wasn’t true and damn it! It was. After that everyone kept telling me how sorry they felt, father so, so… for the life of me I can’t remember his name, even said “A parents should never have to burry a child.”

And I remember telling him: “If that’s true father, why did God take her?”

And then he said: “she was called, to be one of God’s Angel’s”

That keeps ringing in my ears ever since he told me, and I can’t help but think back to that book I used to read you “The Littlest Angel” it wasn’t until a few weeks later I realized, you are the littlest angel. You were sent from God to us, almost like a miracle, and just like that he took you away to return you to the heavens.

I looked at your mother again, this time I didn’t say anything. I just wrapped my arms around her, something I really should have done along time ago. “I’m sorry…” I whispered to her, “for everything…”

((IDK!!!)))

""what do you care! I been eating pity. The neighbors pity. They bring us casseroles every once in a while and they try to clean the house and they tell me how fucking sorry they are and I try to smile and tell them we try very hard...but thats not true is it Nick..that is not true. We have not been right even before Emma's death!!! You were out there sleeping around with your little whore. You think I did not know?"
I walked down the stairs, the rage coloring my cheeks. I knew that happened because you once told me about it.
"Mommy, you have red dots on your cheeks when you get angry"

"what do you think I did when you told me the team was practicing late, I cooked for you and I drove to the field and the field was empty...it was so empty... " I stopped on the bottom stair and the anger began to drain out of me. I began to shake.
"leave Nick..leave..you can go to her now...Nothing is stopping you ... our little girl is dead and nothing will ever change that"

I turned and my eyes fell on your sister. My little Charlie. I studied her for a few seconds. There was something odd about her. Something missing. If you had been the little hellion who ran loose and collected bugs. Charlie was our princess. We bought her a tiara for her birthday once and you helped her decorate her room in a way a princess should.
I love your sister and I will always love her but I feel like half my soul was torn out of me when you died. My other half, the reason I still stand up sometimes is because Charlie is still here.

I wanted to run to her and hug her, but the pain was closing in on me. I took the stairs two at a time and went into your room. I locked the door and all around me there was you. Your photos and your smell and your memories. I closed my eyes and without even trying I slept.

I close my eyes in shame, she knew… is all that raced threw my thoughts. stupid, stupid, stupid man I’ve been unfaithful and I don’t deny it, but I’ve always been ashamed of it. Of her my “lover” as your mother thinks of her. But she doesn’t know the story, and maybe it’s better not to tell her.

I never lied when I said the team had to stay late, that much was true. We just finished earlier then planed. That’s when she came into the picture walking around obviously drunk, making goggley eyes at me. I tied to ignore her advances I really did, but damn it something about a young thing like her just made me want her so much. I took her to one of those sleazy motels, paid the manager not to say a word to anyone, and took advantage of my situation. It wasn’t until morning I found out she had faked the whole thing to get in bed with me. She really wanted me; guess your old man is a stud Emma. Because all this happened, a year ago a few days after you turned seven.

I turned to Charlie, and uttered “Please take care of your mother” I wanted to say more but I thought she wouldn’t want to hear it, and push me away like Elle did. Silently I walked away, and out the door without anymore words. I just rode to the river, when there I stood on the bridge looking at the water. God I really want to…

My days with her were numbered; a few months after you died she started to feel board with me as if I could no longer please her. I ended it then, the funny thing is I told her “I don’t want to risk my marriage for something I no longer enjoy.”
She was crazed and tried to beg me back saying she’d fake it, if I felt better. It didn’t work I was already unbearably guilty about doing it in the first place. And said one last “Goodbye Kitten…” and walked out of that door for good.

I want to jump right now, and maybe I should… Maybe God will punish me by never letting me see you again, sweetheart. I mean they say in church and at the funeral. We will see them again, forever in heaven. But baby doll, is that really true? And if it is what’s heaven like? I looked into the water, then around me people looking and playing. One woman looked back at me, I didn’t know who she was. I again returned my gaze at the water.

Mom and Dad didn't care that I saw the entire thing.
All I can think is "Of course not, they don't care bout you."
"Take care of your mother," Dad said, and walked out. I went out the back. There, in the yard was your lemon tree, the one you loved so much, but it was different.
The branches were black and twisted, shrunken in size. Like me. I reached out and touched the trunk, trailing my fingers down the dehydrated wood. and then I watered it, I watered it with my tears. I hope they tasted good to the tree, because they didn't feel good to me. But who cares? Who cares about Charlotte? Because I know I don't, but I don't have the heart to kill her either.
As the sun sank below the horizon, the tree and I descended into darkness. Looking at my arms, i had gotten massive sunburn, but it felt good, a nice change to the endless cold that I had felt since you died. I guess I have it better then mom does, though. I don't know what it's like to have my husband screwing it with some alchoholic hooker. I hope I never do.
Emma, did you ever think Daddy acted strange at home? Because I did, I put it aside until now, rdisregarding it as he lost a football game, or he was stressed out at work, or something like that. But no, he was acting strange because mom wasn't the only one he had slept with. Mom deserves better, Emmy, and even though he had brought you into our lives with her, he still wasn't worth it, in my opinion.
I spent the night laying over the jtwisted roots of the tree that had popped out of the ground. They were my cradle, and in an odd way, they were more comfortable then any bed. Maybe because the tree was yours, because it missed you as much as Mom, I or maybe even Dad did. I wrapped my arms around the trunk, which is not even big enough to fit in my arms when I cross my elbows together. Nonetheless, it comforted me more than mom or dad ever had since your death. Laying my head against the trunk, I smelled wood, hot summer days and lemons. It smelled kind of like you.
I love that smell.
"I promise to take care of you," I promised the tree, making an "X" over my chest. "Cross my heart."

If anyone had the right to call you a brat, it was me. You pulled pranks on me and even dared to put your finger on my wedding cake. I loved you though , you and all your spunk and cheekiness. You reminded me a bit of me when I was small and now that your are gone I miss you so bad it hurts.

But I cope, you and I could cope with anything. I was finishing the last of the paperwork of the Smythe case when Alexa ran in.

“Hey mom, are you done yet? I am really hungry”
I looked up and took of my glasses “Oh I am done here, has Luke made dinner yet”
“yeah dad bought it on his way home but told me not to tell you” Even though Alexa was not Luke’s daughter they had hit off since the beginning and now were inseparable.
“Hey, you said you would not tell your mom, you are a liar!” Luke came barging into my study waving a spoon. Alexa giggled and I smiled. We had been very unhappy since your death but now slowly we were pulling together.

The twins still miss you, but they are very little so they don’t really know where you have gone to. I stood up and stretched.
“well lets go”

We finished dinner and Alexa stood up with her vegetables barely touched “hey eat the carrots miss. Throwing away food is wrong”
Alexa stopped near the table chewing on her lip. “Mom… Charlie ..Well I don’t know if I should say this..”
I looked at her the way moms do.
“Charlie doesn’t eat at school..She is way skinny and …Mom it looks like she doesn’t take care of herself anymore.. I mean she used to wear makeup and wouldn’t be caught dead in sweat pants and t-shirts…She wont talk to me anymore. Its like she is not Charlie anymore. Have you seen her?” Guiltily I stared down at my plate. I had not gone to see your mom in a few weeks because last time I did she would not open the door.
“Mom, you simply got to do something!”

And I did.
The next day in jeans and a t-shirt I knocked on the door. I spent around ten minutes banging and the anger began to grow in me. I tiptoed up and grabbed the spare keys from the pot of flower hanging by the door.
The house did not smell like home. It was eerily quiet and spotless clean . The living room was empty of your pictures. I stood thinking of the picture by the fireplace of you and Charlie by the beach using identical yellow striped dresses. You had a few teeth missing and Charlie was sticking her tongue out.
The flare of fury increased. You were dead. That was very true and sad…but Charlie was still alive and if your parents killed her I would kill them.

I took the stairs three at a time. I went into your parents room first but it looked empty as if no one had ever lived there in a long time.
I knew at once where your mother was.
I knocked on the door but had no answer.
“Damn it Elle open the fucking door. “
There was still no answer. I beat the door with my fists and I screamed myself hoarse but your mother was still in there .
I went back to the garage and took your father’s drill. I took an extension too. I ran the extension from your parents room to the hall. I set to work. After a few minutes the hinges had come off.
I pushed the door inward and stepped into your room. It was just the same as it had been before your death. Your mother was lying on the bed with your teddy against her chest and her eyes wide open. She looked sort of dead. I pulled the covers off her and grabbed her by the shoulder.
“Wake up…get up from this bed Elle..Get the heck of this bed. What would Emma say?”
Her cheeks went red “Don’t you talk about Emma… You don’t know what it feels like.”

“Shut the hell up Elle. You think you are the only one who has lost a child. I lost one too. I lost one too…but there was Alexa and I had to live for her. What are you doing to Charlie Elle?”
I dragged her off the bed by the feet while she held stubbornly to the frame of the bed.
“If you destroy Charlie I am going to kill you Elle”
She turned towards me and screamed “I wish I was dead… I WISH I WAS DEAD!”
“CONTINUE THIS WAY AND MAYBE YOU WILL”

She was so skinny and tiny now that I was able to drag her to the shower while she feebly kicked at me.
I turn the shower as cold as it would go and dumped her in it. She came up with a gasp and stared at me.
“You have to get up. “ I said forcefully. “Emma is dead!”
She looked at me for a few seconds and then said a flat little voice “Don’t I know it”
Then she refused to get up from the bathtub . I went out and bought the groceries. I made dinner for your mom and whoever else wanted to eat. I am not a chef and never would I be able to claim I am. However I could handle a salad and grilled chicken. I bought hot rolls and a vinaigrette.
I left ice tea in the fridge and left a note to Charlie.

“Charlie, honey
I left food . Please eat darling.
Love
Aunt Phoebe.”

I woke up in my office, although I couldn’t really remember how I got there. Rubbing my head, I get up and make myself some coffee, when I noticed someone else on the cot. She was a young thing no more then nineteen, and I… I couldn’t put my mind around it. She was beautiful sweetheart and looked so much like you would if you were her age. I didn’t remember anything how I met her, thou I guessed she caught me before I was about to jump into the waters. I must have brought her back her.

“What’s your name?” I asked her.
“Amelia” she replied, “Amelia Foxx,” he eyes beat wide as she looked at me, but I couldn’t look at her.
I picked up some of her cloths and handed then to her, “get out of here Amelia, never think of me again, you don’t want to get messed up with my life you really don’t”
Amelia nodded as she put her clothes back on and ran out of my office. Almost as if she was in a hurry.

I grabbed my cell phone, and dialed a number. “Hey Tommy, it’s Nick… I need to ask you something.” You never met my brother Tommy, and at the time I thought that was a good thing. After all he did live out of town, and only recently decided to move and be closer to everybody. I asked him if I could stay with him for awhile, after all. The cot was starting to give me a bad back. He agreed although I’m not sure why. Lucky for me, I didn’t call a practice that morning or someone would have seen Amelia running out of my office and me half dressed, and put two and two together.

On my way to Tommy’s place I passed by the house as your aunt phoebe was heading out. I stopped the car, at the curb and got out, and walked up to her. “What are you doing here?” I asked her, “If you’re here on a good will mission, then you can just forget it! We don’t need anymore of people’s charity.” I said remembering your mother’s words from last night how she was surviving on people’s pity. "I can take care of my own family, I don't need help!" I said again.

((Idk but I feel like it fits))

I woke up, my eyes crusted together, even though i didn't remember falling asleep. Blades of grass were caught in my hair. It was sorta wierd how the grass so green, yet the tree was dying. I looked up, and over the fence I saw dad's car.
"What do you want now?" I mumbled angrily. I wanted to save mom the trouble, so I walked out front, and there he was, standing with my Aunt Phoebe.
"What are you doing here?" He asked, his voice sounded harsh. "If you’re here on a good will mission, then you can just forget it! We don’t need anymore of people’s charity.I can take care of my own family, I don't need help!" I cut in, clearing my throat before I spoke.
"Yeah, because you've been taking care of us so much lately, or are you talking about your little hooker?" Maybe it was mean, but it's what he deserved, and I could care less about him. "If anything, yous should be the one leaving, because last time I checked, you haven't exactly been helping out lately either, proud bastard." I put my hands on my hips, and noticed they were only a little more then a foot wide, I could feel the bones jutting out from under my skin. I stared at him cooly, waiting for a reaction.
"And if you even think about going inside and giving mom more to worry about, think again. You seemed to be doing just fine in your shitty little office."
I pointed to his car, without showing any emotion on my face, and mouthed the word "go".

I never yelled at your sister before, but now that I think about it I never even yelled at your mother before yesterday either. So the events that happened after Charlie little "rebellion" weren't all shooking to me. "You don't know what you are saying!" I said at first in a claim like voice, then picking it up I said louder, "Damn it! you and your mother just can't forgive anyone can you! I made a mistake, everyone dose! I understand you don't want to talk to me, but damn it! I'm not going to be shuned from my own house!" Neighbors started coming out to take a peek, at us.

I grabbed Charlie's arm, "Get in the house! we'll talk about this inside!" I said in a rather angrey voice, looking back at Pheobe I gave her a dirty look as if to say, Why the hell! Did you even have to come here!

Damnit! I regret what I did next but I can't stop thinking about it, Charlie's arm hung in my hand as I pulled her ((not God-molding I'm doing the action)) though the frount door and into the living room, sitting her on the sofa. "Now that the neghborhood isn't watching, you got something to say to me?" I asked, still pissed off. "I'll leave when I want to leave, but I'm not going to till I know you and your mother are atleast allright for a few days." I started to calim down, my heart rate seemed to be subsiding. ((srry think I spelt that wrong)).

((I wanted to write this really!! badly!! so I had too!!))

I walked briskly as he dragged me inside. His hand clamped around my arm cut off my blood circulation, and it hurt like heck, but I wouldn't let him know that. He practically pushed me onto the sofa, I thought about getting up to scream at him this time... I was tired of being the perfect little princess, Emma, something you'll never understand. I wanted to be able to speak my mind without everyone gasping and screaming "Oh my god she spoke!" I wanted to be able to scream and argue, something I'd never felt until now.
"You call that a mistake? A mistake is when you accidentally spill a soda on somebody, you cheated on mom, what are you going to say? 'Oops, I didn't meant to," and expect us to just come back with hugs and kisses saying that it's all okay?" I practically screamed, "'Everybody does that'? That's the biggest crapload on the planet and you know it! A good husband will stay faithful to is wife and only his wife, and you haven't done that! I may not be completely 'in it' right now, but I'm not as stupid as you think I am! And I don't care if the whole neighborhood hears this, because it's all TRUE!" I stood up off the couch, stepping closer and closer, my voice rising and getting angrier and angrier by every second. My face was hot all over, as if someone had thrown my face in a frying pan and turned up the flames on high. I had never gotten angry like this before, but I was sure that if anybody tried to calm me down, I'd only get worse. "Why do you suddenly care about what happens to us? We've been fine for the last months and we'll be fine now! Maybe even better once we can stop worrying about you!" I felt like I was about to explode, every heartbeat was actually another tick in the timebomb, thirty seconds 'till detonation. He seemed be calming down, and getting him riled up again most likely wasn't the best idea, but there wasn't away to stop it, I sidestepped saround him, putting my head down.
"Just... leave... me... alone." I muttered through my teeth. I headed upstairs, my feet barely touched the ground in my mad dash to get away from him.

"Hay!" I yelled chasing Charlie upstairs and grabbed her back onto the ground. "Don't you run away from me!" I say, vary loud. Then Slapped her across the face, I still can't believe I did that. I hit her, I really hit her I don’t know why I did it but I hit her.

I never laid a figure on you girls before in my life, that’s why this was such a shook to me. My first instinct was to say sorry but I felt that we were beyond that point and she would never accept my apology now. Instead I pulled her up on to her feet and looked her in the eye, “I don’t want to do that again, and I won’t if you respect what I am telling you, and don’t back mouth me. Understand!” I said at last, and then told her my side of things.

“I cheat on your mother, I’m not gonna deny that but that ended months ago so you telling me to go back her aren’t all that relevant…” I paused, “When you make a mistake your always forgiven, alright I understand that, But I made a mistake and you two can’t at least forgive me? That doesn’t make any sense to me, and ya know I don’t think it makes all that much sense to you either…”

And that was that. After he hit me, everything her said was a blur. I didn't care about what he said, because the mistakes we had made had never been this bad, because that is not what I considered a mistake.
"I don't CARE about how long ago it was! It happened and you can't change that! Mom has never done that to you, and yet you blame US because maybe we don't want to forgive you! Our mistakes were NEVER like that! I accidentally ruined your tie once, I'm SORRY, Mom accidentally shrunk your favorite tee shirt, SORRY! You had it with another woman, does that make sense to forgive you? NO!" My hands shook, and I felt my nails digging deeper and deeper into my palms. My vision was overtaken by a red haze, and the world seemed to be spinning. "I'll run away if I WANT to, and you're NOT my Father, you're Emma's, and Emma's dead! So leave ME alone, because I'm NOT Emma!" I don't quite remember it, but I felt myself punch him straight in the gut, and then breezed past him, running put the front door as fast as I could. My hands were wet where my fingernails had been. Wet and sticky.

I fell backwards a little bit, forgetting Charlie had quite the punch on her then proceeded to chase her outside again. The neighbors still watched the house, as I grabbed Charlie and pulled her to the ground. “No little lady, you’re not running away!” I said, “I’ll leave, but promises me one thing before I go” I uttered letting her a chance to get up,


“just take care of you mother, get her out of the house for both of your sake please…” I said that then headed back to my car and drove of. I didn’t want to get a divorce but now it seemed like I had no chose.

Had I seen it coming I might have stopped it. I stood by the side of my car, with my hands still hanging limply as he dragged Charlie inside. I wanted to go in Emma, but I still thought them a family and family does not need meddling. Then I heard screams and finally Charlie ran outside. I moved to intercede but it all ended very quickly because your father drove off. I moved to Charlie and silently stood by her.
When something was bothering you Emma, you never waited to let us know.
"Aunt Phoebe your dog is barking at me and I don't like it. What are you going to do about it?"
No one ever had to prod you to tell us what was wrong with you but with Charlie I did not know how to go on about. I didn't say anything to her for a long while I stood quietly and finally I said "lets go get some icecream"

Ever since she was little Charlie would never tell us what was wrong but her father, David, who as you know died when Charlie was really little would always take her out to get ice cream when she was sad. After that I took up the habit and it seemed almost the right thing to do.

Emma your father is not a bad man, he is just hurting. I knew about his affair because your mom had called me crying. I do not understand how Elly stayed with him after having been with a wonderful man like Charlie's dad. He had loved her but the cancer ended it all and she had been devastated. Your father came and picked her up, helped her and finally he had dropped her.

I waited for Charlie to react and glanced at the dying sun. The sunset has a finally to it. Reds and orange, everything looks flat in the sunset like nothing can compete with the display. But it looks like everything is ending. Emma you were like the sunset, bright and colorful and beautiful but only here for a moment and after you were gone, the darkness spread and left us wandering about lost.

When I got to your uncle's house, well it's more of an Apartment... maybe not even that it's a trailer... He rents it from some woman. "you get the floor..." Tommy told me...

The floor was disgusting, and it was then I realized I had hit rock bottom. I was living with my kid brother, and sleeping on a filthy floor. Oh God, what have I done? I betrayed your mother in every way and and now I hit Charlie... what is wrong with me? I started thinking I properly need help, a clinic or something... Like Tiger Woods went to for his problem maybe I had the same thing, the lust for newer and younger women.

I don't know what this reminds me of, as I lay on the floor looking at the celling. I don't know what i'm even thinking of, it's as if I'm watching everything from a screen. and am completely unattached to it in every way, If only that was true...