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RPA: Kyto Matsunagi and Eymber

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RPA: Kyto Matsunagi and Eymber ( )

Postby Eymber on Mon Nov 26, 2007 10:11 pm

Kyto Matsunagi wrote:The man stared at himself in the mirror. His hair was long and black. It touched his shoulders and curls gently. The eyes were as red as the fires of hell and seem to shine as the light hits them. The color of his facade was tan a little but almost as if his blood didnt circulate through the very veins in him. He removed the black shells of leather and stared at the pale complexion of his hands. They were pale and cold to his face. Looking at his fingernails, you would think he had not taken care of them in ages. He touched the tip of his finger to one of the nails and automatically began to bleed. He continued to look upon himself, examining the clothing he wore. His leather black pants, tight to the skin, showed off the atheletic features of his physique. Looking at the boots and for some reason, he smiled as if he admired them. They are leather and have spikes on the front of them. Looking at the coat that hung off his broad shoulders,he began investigating it thoroughly, seeing if there is some trace to the past he had forgotten so easily. The coat hung down to his lower calves as he stood there viewing the looking glass. Three buckles are sown to the sides. Continuing looking onward on his jacket, he turned around to see if there was anything on the back. On the back of the jacket a set of phoenix wings is embroidered on it. Also on the back of the trench coat, a sword hangs sweetly as if it was held there by its mother. He felt the insides of th coat and discovered two guns. Both had engravings on them. One saying, "In Heaven I shall wait. . ." and the other, "Where I meet you at the Gate. . " Both are coldest of ebony can be. On the handgrips a cross is shown as reverence to a religion. "Was I religious. . .Was I even a church goer. . .What am I?. . .Where am I?. . .In fact, who am I?. . ." He asked as he sat and stared at the mirrors on the walls.
...Arise and be all that you dream....
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Eymber
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Re: RPA: Kyto Matsunagi and Eymber ( )

Postby Kyto Matsunagi on Mon Nov 26, 2007 10:16 pm

I am here teacher.
You are the only "you"
There is no such thing as your replacement
Don't wilt away, single flower
You are like a flower
That bloomed in a dark shadow
Even though you're in a place you didn't wish to be,
You can't move because of your roots
Just spit out your closed-up feelings
I'll accept all of your pain and suffering
So please don't cry
Please smile, single flower
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Kyto Matsunagi
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Re: RPA: Kyto Matsunagi and Eymber ( )

Postby Eymber on Mon Nov 26, 2007 11:34 pm

Alright... once again and A for effort.

I can see that you are having trouble expressing what you want to say without repeating yourself numerous times. Your use of vocabulary, not so great. When I get to a point in a RP where I am about to say the same word for the third time in one sentence, I usually go to a place called Thesaurus.com where I can find all sorts of nifty words. Though, try not to overuse big words, then the reader will not know what you are saying. Instances where I would recommend you had used a Thesaurus in this post would be where you repeatedly said 'pale' when talking about the skin of your character.

Another thing that I notice is that you do not use a spell checker. Typos make for a poor reading experience. If you need to write your post in a word processor then do a spell check before copying and pasting it into the forum, feel free. That's what I do. Also, Firefox has a spell checker that you can upgrade to if you are using that as your Internet explorer.

Sentence Structure. You don't have to make a new sentence for every little part of your description. For instance, your first five could be combined into one or two sentences.

For your next assignment, I want you to figure out how to combine your sentences, break this one paragraph apart into a couple of smaller ones, and fix the spelling and repetition errors that you have made.



If you need an example, I will be more than happy to post one for you.
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Eymber
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Re: RPA: Kyto Matsunagi and Eymber ( )

Postby Kyto Matsunagi on Tue Nov 27, 2007 12:29 am

He awoke slowly as he groaned. His body shook with pain and cramps. Slowly, he rose to his feet and surveyed his surroundings. Wherever he was, it was a room with mirrors on every surface except the floor. He tried to remember what he was doing. He thought and thought. His looked into the mirror close to him examining himself. First thing he noticed was everything about him was black. His boots, clothing, even his hair and gloves. However, the eyes. . .that is what offset everything about him. His eyes were as red as the blood that ran through his veins. As he stared into his reflection, something he didn’t recognize jumped out at him. His skin seemed to be as white as snow. He lightly touched his face and shivered as his fingers were like ice to his skin. A sword hung gingerly off his right shoulder. The mirror reflection caught a brief glimpse of the smile he emitted when he saw that the sword still was with him.
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Re: RPA: Kyto Matsunagi and Eymber ( )

Postby Kyto Matsunagi on Tue Nov 27, 2007 9:57 pm

I am here when you can get to me teacher.
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Re: RPA: Kyto Matsunagi and Eymber ( )

Postby Eymber on Wed Nov 28, 2007 11:44 pm

Ah, much better. I will post now, then please reply in the way that you feel best.

Aelith smiled as she picked the last few pieces of ripe fruit from the tree and turned to go inside. I wonder if the stranger has woken up yet? she asked herself as she reached the door and pressed herself against it, forcing it to open. The gods had sent him here for a reason, though she was unsure as to what that was yet. Hinges creaked as the large wooden door closed behind her with a satisfying tund, sending the room she had entered into darkness. Moving with confidence, she made her way through the unlit area and into the kitchen through the open door frame. She set the basket of fruit on the counter, then turned to check on the person. Aelith passed three doors on her left and one on her right before finally coming to the door at the end of the hallway. She tapped lightly against the wood surface as she said "Hello? Are you awake yet?" She hoped that her calm, melodic voice would reach him.

PARTY TIME! Hehe.. just kidding. Hope that you liked it. Let's have some fun now!
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Eymber
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Re: RPA: Kyto Matsunagi and Eymber ( )

Postby Kyto Matsunagi on Thu Nov 29, 2007 2:08 am

He stood up as he heard the voice. The voice sounded female and calm. "Yes I am. . ." He rose to his feet as he waited for the voice to enter the room, which, to his observation, had no ways of entry. His body shook as he waited for 'his captor' to enter. His eyes began searching for an entrance to the room, so he could be prepared for the anything. He twitched slightly as his stomach growled, letting him know that he has hungry.
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Re: RPA: Kyto Matsunagi and Eymber ( )

Postby Eymber on Thu Nov 29, 2007 11:42 pm

You are getting much better at putting your sentences together, but still are having issues using different words for things. For instance you used the word 'voice' in the first, second, and third sentence. Somewhat repetitive. Sometimes, if I'm concerned about a post that I'm working on, I will literally read it aloud to myself. That's one of the best ways you can see if something is repetitive or sounds strange. I would recommend that you give that a try for your next post. If it sounds weird to you, use the link that I provided for the Thesaurus to find a better word.
Also, I feel [and this might just be me] that you need to put your character's name in your post at least once. This helps when you are doing an RP with many people, as well as it is a good practice. It keeps the storyline from getting all tangled up for a reader. Please try to use the character's name instead of a non-definitive pronoun at least once. It does not have to be in the first sentence, but it should be there.


She heard his response and detected a bit of anxiety within his voice. "I'm coming in." Aelith called to him as she turned the handle and pulled the tall door towards her. She hoped that the person would not be too startled to see a slat the height of the wall begin to move. With a smile, she began to remember what the room looked like, with tall panes of mirror paneling the entirety of the room, each the width of a tall door that had been found at a bizarre. The door was as tall as the room, and almost as old as Aelith's grandmother, who had long been gone from this earth and now watched over the family with grace and dignity. "Hello?" She asked as she took a step forward. "Are you alright?"

By the way, I had to use the Thesaurus myself for that post. I did not want to say 'panel' twice when describing the panes of mirrors, so I found the word 'pane' instead.
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Re: RPA: Kyto Matsunagi and Eymber ( )

Postby Kyto Matsunagi on Thu Nov 29, 2007 11:57 pm

He looked at her, his facade recreating the confusion and worry going through out his mind. His eyes wandered from the wall opposite of him to the woman coming into the room. His body fought itself, trying to stand. Using his arms and hands to heave his body up, Kyto began to stand up slowly. "Yes I am alright. . .But I . . .I cant remember who or what I am. . . Hell, even where or when. . ." His body fell to the ground as if gravity got heavier on him. Not having the energy to stand, he laid there on the floor. Turning his head slightly, he looked at her, a tear strolling down his cheek as he blinked.
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Re: RPA: Kyto Matsunagi and Eymber ( )

Postby Eymber on Sun Dec 02, 2007 2:45 pm

Sorry that it has taken me so long to reply. :D Hope that I didn't keep you waiting.

She listened to his voice, pinpointing his position in the room and also trying to grasp where he stood mentally. Inwardly wondering where he had come from, and whether or not he would ever figure it out himself, she began to move to his position. Then she heard him trail off as he hit the floor, Aelith quickly moved to where she assumed that he was, kneeling down and reaching out to him. Her fingertips brushed against his flesh, which felt somewhat damp. "I... are you... crying?" she questioned him, then without waiting for his answer she added "If you haven't been able to tell yet.. I'm blind."


Good use of the word facade. Also, I can see that you are getting more comfortable with our sessions, and your writing is starting to flow better. Now, I have presented to you that my character is blind, which gives you a chance to expand your descriptions. I don't think that I have anything else to say about this post, and I look forward to your next one!
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Eymber
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Re: RPA: Kyto Matsunagi and Eymber ( )

Postby Kyto Matsunagi on Sun Dec 02, 2007 2:45 pm

I am here
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Re: RPA: Kyto Matsunagi and Eymber ( )

Postby Kyto Matsunagi on Sun Dec 02, 2007 3:10 pm

Thank you ma'am I will do my best for this post.

He touched her tenderly. He looked at his blind hostess and tried to sit up as he much as his body would allow. "Yes, I was crying. Where am I?" He said as he stared at her. His face baffled with the understanding of the woman who was in the room with him and the events that had happened thus far, including his onset of amnesia. "Its just, I do not know where, when or even who I am." He continue to stare upon the maiden. She was beautiful and he appreciated her trying to take care of him. Clutching his side, he sat all the way up, now gazing at her. His body was going through torture as he fought to be able to stay sitting.
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Re: RPA: Kyto Matsunagi and Eymber ( )

Postby Kyto Matsunagi on Tue Dec 04, 2007 4:10 pm

I am waiting
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Re: RPA: Kyto Matsunagi and Eymber ( )

Postby Eymber on Tue Dec 04, 2007 9:11 pm

I am having medical issues right now. I'll be back to post in a day or two. Until then, I'm sorry that you are having to wait on me.
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Re: RPA: Kyto Matsunagi and Eymber ( )

Postby Kyto Matsunagi on Tue Dec 04, 2007 9:15 pm

I hope you are doing well, teach.
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Re: RPA: Kyto Matsunagi and Eymber ( )

Postby Eymber on Sun Dec 09, 2007 2:16 pm

Comments:

In your post..


He touched her tenderly.
Where did you touch her? Cheek, shoulder, arm, leg, neck, back, somewhere else? When you don't specify where, you leave it to the other player/players to have to assume things, which sometimes can change the effect you were looking for. Make sure you put that extra detail in there... it means a lot.

"Its just, I do not know where, when or even who I am."
...there needs to be a comma between when and or: ...where, when, or even who I am.

Also, The flow of this line,
His face baffled with the understanding of the woman who was in the room with him and the events that had happened thus far, including his onset of amnesia.
is missing something. If it were my post, I would have put the word 'was' in there: He was baffled with... But that's just me. I don't really see how someone's face can be baffled. It can appear baffled: His face mirrored his emotions, baffled with.... Also, what understanding.. My character's understanding of your situation, or how she can sense that you're not all right because she's blind? Or is it YOUR character's sudden understanding of her situation.

Once again, you need to make sure that you're explaining yourself fully, or what you are trying to say can be misinterpreted..

Another thing. I've been contacted by one of the RPA staff concerning other RP's that you are in. Specifically, The House of Night and Enternal Night. The RPs are not only inappropriate, but have been locked/removed from the forums. And also, both yourself and Skaura-91 are now locked down to STRICTLY RPA posting for the time being, until we feel that you can post without making people choke. If you break this probation and post in an RP out of the RPA you will be banned.


She felt his fingertips brush against her lightly, savoring the human contact. It had been years since she was last in the presence of another, and her mind went delving into another time and place. A time where there had been three others here, happiness, laughter, love, family. The two children, her loved one, and herself... Living a normal life. Back when she still had her eyesight. But then the disaster happened... when the the soldiers came- ...His touch lifted and the spell was broken. His words brought Aelith back to reality. Where am I? She waited, knowing that there was more to the statement. I do not know where, when, or even who I am. She nodded, feeling him shift beside her. Motioning towards the bed that was only a few feet away she began. "You might want to lean against that, if you do not want to over-exert yourself. You are in the realm of Amber, and have been here for a week. I do not know where you came from, or when it is there, since time flows differently here, but I know that you were brought here by the gods. I found you because I tripped over you in the middle of the woods. You were laying across my pathway.As for who you are, when I washed your clothes for you, I found this..." She reached into the folds of her dress and pulled out a wallet, passing it to him. "...perhaps it will tell you what your name is.. and where you have come from."


OOC note: Yeah, so I stole the world from a book... Didn't feel like making my own up. Also, I felt that it would make for a more well-rounded storyline, if you don't mind doing a fiction based RP. I can either use the Amber outline, or just the name of the place and nothing else. It's up to you, just let me know.
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Eymber
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Re: RPA: Kyto Matsunagi and Eymber ( )

Postby Kyto Matsunagi on Tue Dec 11, 2007 5:17 pm

Eymber wrote:
She felt his fingertips brush against her lightly, savoring the human contact. It had been years since she was last in the presence of another, and her mind went delving into another time and place. A time where there had been three others here, happiness, laughter, love, family. The two children, her loved one, and herself... Living a normal life. Back when she still had her eyesight. But then the disaster happened... when the the soldiers came- ...His touch lifted and the spell was broken. His words brought Aelith back to reality. Where am I? She waited, knowing that there was more to the statement. I do not know where, when, or even who I am. She nodded, feeling him shift beside her. Motioning towards the bed that was only a few feet away she began. "You might want to lean against that, if you do not want to over-exert yourself. You are in the realm of Amber, and have been here for a week. I do not know where you came from, or when it is there, since time flows differently here, but I know that you were brought here by the gods. I found you because I tripped over you in the middle of the woods. You were laying across my pathway.As for who you are, when I washed your clothes for you, I found this..." She reached into the folds of her dress and pulled out a wallet, passing it to him. "...perhaps it will tell you what your name is.. and where you have come from."



He took the wallet into his hands. Its burgundy coloring faded from use over the years. Opening it slowly, he looked at a picture on the front. It was of himself and another male. Both smiling and their backs to each other. The other male, his brown hair floating down to his shoulders,but his most defining feature was his eyes. Covered slightly by his hair, his eyes peered out of the shadows as blue as the sky on a midsummers day. His face was just like Kyto's. Strong yet soft. By looking into his eyes however, Kyto could see that both men in the picture, though the were smiling, had seen many things through out their lives. As he continued on, he found a license to a guild. Crimson with gold lettering, the card showed the words. "Creatures of the Night, Warriors of the Light. This card belongs to Kyto Matsunagi, Squad Captain of Lion Breakers." Flipping the card over in his hands, he saw the picture of himself. His heart jumped in his chest as he smiled. Looking at Aelith, his hands touched hers lightly. "Well, Aelith, my name is Kyto Matsunagi, Captain of the Lion Breakers Squad." He smirked as he leaned back against the bed. "Now all I have to do is figure out where this Lion Breakers Squad is and what time are they in." Kyto let out a sigh gently as he looked back at Aelith.

OOC: I hope this will do for the moment I have having a block so please comment soon, teacher.
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Re: RPA: Kyto Matsunagi and Eymber ( )

Postby Eymber on Wed Dec 19, 2007 1:35 am

First off, please don't quote my post. It's not needed. I know what I wrote. You know what I wrote.

He took the wallet into his hands. Its burgundy coloring faded from use over the years.


The second sentence is not a complete sentence. They should be combined, or the second one should be turned into its own statement.

It was of himself and another male. Both smiling and their backs to each other.


Once again, your sentences are not complete.

The other male, his brown hair floating down to his shoulders,but his most defining feature was his eyes.


Have you tried reading your posts aloud before pushing the submit button?

Kyto let out a sigh gently as he looked back at Aelith.

I would have wrote that "let out a gentle sigh" but once again, its a matter of readability, nothing more.

One of the most important things to remember when you're writing a post is that all the fluff in the world, all the pretty words that make it sound professional, don't really mean a thing if its not readable.

The bottom line: Roleplaying is just telling a story. If someone cannot read the story with ease, they will stop reading it. That is what we're going to work on now.

As for you being specific with your actions, you are getting better at that. I hope to see more improvement with this issue.

I want you to make sure that you are reading your posts aloud. If something doesn't sound right, then re-write it. I will be expecting you to do this from now on. It's a great habit to get into.


Aelith heard him shuffling through the wallet, then the sound of something in his hands. His voice broke the silence as his hand grazed hers. Kyto Matsunagi...Lion Breakers Squad... She reflected inwardly as she smiled a bit to him. "Good luck with that. Until you do find your people, My house is yours as well." She stood, holding out a hand to help him up if he chose to accompany her. "Join me in the kitchen for something to eat?"

Sorry my post was short... Its really late.
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Eymber
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Re: RPA: Kyto Matsunagi and Eymber ( )

Postby Kyto Matsunagi on Wed Dec 19, 2007 1:59 am

Reaching out, his hand enveloped hers as he rose to his feet. "I would definitely appreciate some of your fabulous cooking." A smile creeping across his lips as he began to follow her to the galley. His viridian eyes inspecting the walls of the quiet abode. His ebony mane ruffled from his awakening in the room of mirrors. His body began shake from dehydration due to the non-existent consumption of any liquids. "Aelith, I need something to drink." Kyto said to her as he clutched his sides.
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Re: RPA: Kyto Matsunagi and Eymber ( )

Postby Eymber on Wed Dec 19, 2007 1:32 pm

Write it again.

A smile creeping across his lips as he began to follow her to the galley.

Incomplete sentence. Could have been complete if the word was 'Crept'
His viridian eyes inspecting the walls of the quiet abode.

Incomplete sentence. Could have been complete if the word was 'Inspected'
His ebony mane ruffled from his awakening in the room of mirrors.

Incomplete sentence. Could have been complete if the word 'Was' was added before 'Ruffled'


Did you read this one aloud? Did you read it like you typed it with periods being the end of a statement? Try that this time... actually reading what you write. Re-do the post. Make it mean something, rather than simply being a bland statement like this one.

Tell. The. Story. This story is a flower... As it is told, the flower opens up, revealing its beauty. Right now, the story is still a bud, closed up, not showing its colors. Yet it is ready to open up and be revealed to the world as the beautiful thing that it is capable of being, rather than this dull little bud. As you tell the story, make sure that every time you post, the bud opens up a bit more to reveal a prettier part of this as a whole. Make sense? If not, I can give you another analogy. Allow the flower of your part of the story to begin to take bloom... If you do that, we will have no problems here.
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