Roleplay Online with RolePlayGateway

Welcome to the Roleplay Academy, gold dragon. Here I will aid you in developing your roleplaying skills by focusing on grammar, flow, character development, and plot development. As I mentioned earlier, upon your graduation I will accept you into the Gundam Pilot Academy.

First Assignment: Write a post on the following scenario.
Setting: In traffic
Problem: You're late and you need to be somewhere

Good luck!

Joe was in his GMC Top kick with several dirt stains. He hit the horn several times signaling. Get out my way! A driver in front of him yelled "SHUT THE H@!#% UP B&@#!!" The traffic light was red showing no sign of change. There was about 70 cars in this traffic jam in the state of New York. It was hard being a mechanic in this so large and big state. It was night with the sky a dark blue and blackish color when he finally reached work.

Awesome, I see that you have decent grammar The only thing grammatically that I probably would have changed was when you posted: Get out my way!

If you left it as is, it would've shifted the point of view from third person to first person and that's a BIG no, no. To fix this you simply have to italicize it to express a thought, or put it in "quotations" to signify that it was spoken out loud. You could also say that he was thinking those words and then put them in quotations like the following: Joe was thinking,"Get out my way!"

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Second Assignment: Rewrite your first post.
Focus: Character development. I want you to try and give the readers a better mental picture of your character and maybe even reveal a bit of background information. Try to go into the physical description of your character and what he's doing, and don't hold back on detail!

Joe was in his GMC Top kick with several dirt stains. He hit the horn several times signaling. "Get out my way!" A driver in front of him that was white and wearing overalls yelled "SHUT THE H@!#% UP B&@#!!" The traffic light was red showing no sign of change. Joe felt that he would never get to work. There was about 70 cars in this traffic jam in the state of New York. And at least 20 by standers walking on the side walk. The road was rogh and had several cracks. Joe's car felt like it jumped in the air when he ran over a skunk, it started to smell. It was hard being a mechanic in this so large and big state. It was night with the sky a dark blue and blackish color when he finally reached work.

Alright, that was a little bit better. I liked how you went into describing the environment around your character. This time, though, when you posted: "Get out my way!"

You forgot to put who was saying or thinking that, which could come off as confusing to the readers. Be sure that when you have characters saying or thinking things, you point out who exactly is doing the speaking or thinking. So something like this would be acceptable: Joe yelled,"Get out of my way!"

I also believe that when you posted the word "rogh" you meant "rough." Remember that spell checking is a Roleplayer's best friend

Lastly, when you posted: Joe's car felt like it jumped in the air when he ran over a skunk, it started to smell.

That was a run-on sentence, a comma splice to be specific. You had two different clauses, or ideas and to separate them you had a comma instead a period. To fix that you can put a period after "skunk" instead of the comma.

I also noticed that you didn't put very many descriptions of your character in that post. As a reader I don't really know how to picture your character. Does he have blue eyes? Brown hair? A t-shirt?

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Next Assignment: Revise your previous post.
Focus: Character description. Let the readers get a better mental picture of what your character looks like.

Joe was in his GMC Top kick with several dirt stains. He was white wearing a white tea-shirt with a pair of jeans and a gray jacket over all of that he was wearing a gray jacket. He hit the horn several times signaling. "Get out my way!" A driver in front of him that was white and wearing overalls yelled "SHUT THE H@!#% UP B&@#!!" The traffic light was red showing no sign of change. Joe felt that he would never get to work. There was about 70 cars in this traffic jam in the state of New York. And at least 20 by standers walking on the side walk. The road was rough and had several cracks. Joe's car felt like it jumped in the air when he ran over a skunk, it started to smell. It was hard being a mechanic in this so large and big state. It was night with the sky a dark blue and blackish color when he finally reached work.

Sweeet, alright, we're getting better. Now when you posted: He was white wearing a white tea-shirt with a pair of jeans and a gray jacket over all of that he was wearing a gray jacket.

I think you meant "T-shirt" instead of "tea-shirt." You also said "gray jacket" twice which threw off the flow a bit. I would've done something like: He was wearing a white t-shirt with a pair of jeans and a gray jacket.

Also, when you posted: "Get out my way!" A driver in front of him that was white and wearing overalls yelled "SHUT THE H@!#% UP B&@#!!"

Unless you make it a bit more clear, I'm not sure if Joe was the one talking or the angry driver. So again to make it more clear, you should specify like: Joe screamed,"Get out of my way!" A driver in front of him that was white and wearing overalls yelled back,"SHUT THE H@!#% UP B&@#!!"

Moreover, when you posted: There was about 70 cars in this traffic jam in the state of New York. And at least 20 by standers walking on the side walk.

The second sentence is a fragment. This could easily be fixed by combining the two sentences by taking away the period and lowercasing the "A" in "And."

This was also a little confusing to me: Joe's car felt like it jumped in the air when he ran over a skunk, it started to smell.

Mainly because a car cannot feel lol so maybe something like: Joe felt like his car jumped into the air when he ran over a skunk and it started to smell.

The sentence above was also kind of out of the blue because Joe was in traffic and somehow a skunk edged its way under his tire? lol

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Second Assignment: Write a post on the following scenario.
Setting: You're stuck in an elevator.
Focus: Character development. Really get into the description of your character. Not just physical descriptions but also some background information as well. Just try and really get into your character's head.

Good luck!

Ricky was stuck in this elevator. He couldn't believe his luck, his wife was giving birth and he was stuck here. "Get me outta' here! My wife is giving birth; please!" Ricky said with his arms raised in the air. He sat down felling as if here was going to die. His wife was on the seventh floor and he was stuck in the middle of the forth and the fifth floor. He dug into his black jean shorts and got his cell-phone out. He dialed 564-254-2565, his wife Hannah's number. This reminded him of when he was seven, he was staying at a hotel and he was in the lobby alone getting some ice-cream and when he was in the elevator about to go back to his room the elevator got stuck he was in there for about four hours. When his wife's cell-phone rang a nurse picked up. "Hello?" The nurse said. "It's me Ricky, one thing when you can tell my wife that I'm stuck in the elevator or else I would be there. And did she give birth?" Ricky asked. "No, she didn't yet you brought her in three weeks before nine months of pregnancy; so her water just broke." The nurse answered. "Aghhhhh, aggggggggghhhhhhhhhh!" His wife screamed. "I'm sorry, I have to go mow." The nurse said. She hung up. Ricky closed his phone. "Shit, I'm missing the best day of his life. Stuck in a elevator.