This is a short sketch that I wrote in high school. I recently dug it up and reworked it slightly. Hopefully, you all enjoy it.

~*~

It is night time in London, Ontario. Two people sit on a worn sofa, watching television. It is dark in the room, the only light emanating from said set. Mikhael, the more imposing of the two, is practically lying down in his seat, eyes half-closed with fatigue. Robyn, a vegetarian, is curled up in a ball asleep on the couch, glasses askew.



Roughly one minute of silence, then...

Khael: Fuck.

Khael [pronounced “Kyle”] stumbles upwards, and bolts off stage right; the kitchen. Jostled by the movement and profanity, Robyn is startled awake.

Robyn: [Drowsily] Hunh...?


Khael: [From off-stage] Damn it...


Robyn: What?

Khael: Toaster Pastry. Burned it.

Robyn: Ugh... It smells...

Silence for a few moments, before Khael enters again.

Khael: Remind me this time to get it.

Robyn mutters incoherently.



Silence.



Khael: Nothin’ good on TV...

Robyn: It’s three o’clock in the morning.

Khael: Yeah, well you’d think they’d have somethin’ on...

Robyn: They do. It’s called porn. [pause] Don’t even think about it.

Khael: But-

Robyn: No.

Silence for a few moments as Khael absent-mindedly skims channels.

Khael: Discovery?

Robyn: Sure.

Khael: Okay.

Robyn: Khael...?


Khael: Hmm?

Robyn: Toaster.

Khael again runs to the kitchen. Robyn now sits cross-legged, watching television.

Khael: [Walks back in] Dammit. Robyn, why didn’t you remind me before?

Robyn: [Scoffs] It isn’t that hard of a task to remember.

Khael: Shut up. [He flops onto the couch, knocking Robyn over.]

Robyn: Agh! You cur! [Robyn kicks Khael hard, who falls off of the couch snickering.]

Khael: [From floor] The view from here’s great.

Robyn: Moron. [Robyn places feet on Khael’s face.]

Khael: Why the fuck do your feet smell good?

Robyn: Because unlike some people, I actually maintain good hygiene.

Khael: [Pushes Robyn’s feet away and gets back up onto the couch.] Whatever.

Silence for a moment.

Robyn: [Sniffs] ...Did you put another one in?

Khael: Shit! [He runs to the kitchen yet again.]

Robyn: Idiot...

Khael: Last one...

Robyn: You’re going to burn it.

Khael walks back in, smirking.

Robyn: What’s the grin for?

Khael: Oh, nothing. I’ve just solved my problem’s all.

Robyn: Really. [Diverts attention to the television.]

Khael: Mhmm.

Pause.

Robyn: Okay, seeing as you are ever so desperate to tell me... How’d you do it?

Khael: Well, if you’re dying to know... I turned on the timer.

Robyn: Ingenious, Doctor Strauus. And what might your next brilliant plan entail?

Khael: Suck it.

Robyn throws a pillow at Khael’s head.

Khael: Do it again, I dare you.

Another pillow flies.

Khael: Once more and I swear my foot will go so far up-

From offstage, a loud beeping is heard.

Khael: For fuck’s sakes! [He runs off] Unbelievable! Un-be-fucking-lievable! How did I manage to burn this one too?! It wasn’t even in for a fucking minute!

Robyn: [Cackling wildly] Marvelous, doctor! Simply marvelous!

Khael then proceeds to improvise a lengthy string of cuss words. A loud banging will be heard from the kitchen.


The beeping subsides.


A few moments after the noise has ceased, Khael reappears, fuming.

Robyn: Maybe this is some form of cosmic intervention. Maybe you’re never meant to eat another toaster pastry again. Or worse, maybe you’re never meant to eat anything toasted again! Oh, the horror, Khael, the sheer horror!


Khael: Fuck off.

Robyn: My, oh my. Who took a dump on your pop tart... Oh wait.

Khael: Robyn. Seriously. Fuck off.

Robyn: Sorry. I didn’t know food meant that much to you.

Khael: It’s not that and you know it.

Robyn: Then what is it?

Khael: Just... Never mind, ‘kay?

Robyn: Whatever.

Silence as they watch television.

Robyn: You know, it’s probably for the best. They aren’t exactly the most nutritious article of food, what with all of the gelatin and artificial sugars...

Khael: Can it, veg-head. Pop Tarts are the breakfast of champions.

Robyn: The champions of high-carb intake, maybe.

Khael: ...Was I just called fat?

Robyn: Well, you are getting a bit pudgy...

Khael: [Muttered] Stupid little twig...

Robyn: Oh, you love my presence and you know it.


Khael: Sure I do, yah little shit.



Silence as they continue watching television.



Robyn: I’m hungry. I’mma make a peanut butter sammich. Want anything?

Khael: Yes. Go make me sandvich.

Robyn: Yes, your majesty.

Khael: ...Please.

Robyn: Good. Now I don’t have to spit in it.

Khael: ...Wait, what?

Robyn grins impishly.

Khael: Toasted!

Robyn glares.

Khael: ...Please.

Robyn walks off, reappearing two minutes or so later with their snacks.

Khael: No toaster troubles? [He takes his sandwich, inconspicuously checking for any unwanted additives]

Robyn: None whatsoever.

Khael: The toaster hates me.

Robyn: Because that is a legitimate excuse.

Khael: It is. And it does. I’m convinced.

Robyn: Or, you know... It could have been the fact that you had the setting on high.

Khael: Are you kidding me?

Robyn: Haven’t you used that stupid toaster before? My fucking word Doctor Strauus, your sheer intelligence is beyond comprehension.

Khael: Well, let’s just add that to the list of things you think I’m a fuckin’ moron for.

Robyn: ...What are you talking about-

Khael: Don’t act as if you don’t. I know you do; you think I’m an idiot that can’t do anything right.

Robyn: What? No, I was kid-

Khael: Whatever. Just forget it.

Robyn: ...Khael-

Khael: Forget it.

They eat in silence.

Khael: [Around a mouthful of food] I love how they always end up blowing
something up.

Robyn: Swallow and repeat?

Khael: I said, I love how they always end up blowing something up.

Robyn: Uh-huh...

Khael: ...What, you don’t think I do?

Robyn: What if I were to say that I didn’t?

Khael: Well I do.

Robyn: Like how you all-of-a-sudden love cars and war games and working
out and protein shakes?

Khael: What are you getting at?

Robyn: Khael... are you trying to prove something to someone?

Khael: Prove what?

Robyn: That you’re all big and tough and macho? That you fit in with the
other guys? Something along those lines?

Khael: ...

Robyn: Are you ashamed of something?

Khael: ...No...

Robyn: Then why are you trying to change yourself?

Khael: I’m not-

Robyn: What does it matter what they think of you?

Khael: It doesn’t-

Robyn: Who cares if they find out you’re gay-

Khael: I’m not gay! I mean, I... God, I don’t fucking know what I mean!


Robyn: Really. Well you could’ve fooled me.

Robyn gets up and walks towards stage left.

Khael: Robyn, wait!

Robyn walks off stage left and slams the apartment door.

FIN.

End scene!

Hey there! Satomato here, your in-resident Screenwriting student. It's good to see someone else at least somewhat familiar with this specific format.

Anyways, onto the thing. It was funny. I liked it. I feel like the dialogue could be tightened up majorly. It's snappy, it's quick, it's short, but sometimes it just doesn't do anything in the way of either developing the plot, or the characters.

Khael: Fuck off.

Robyn: My, oh my. Who took a dump on your pop tart... Oh wait.

Khael: Robyn. Seriously. Fuck off.

Robyn: Sorry. I didn’t know food meant that much to you.

Khael: It’s not that and you know it.

Robyn: Then what is it?

Khael: Just... Never mind, ‘kay?

Robyn: Whatever.

What it sounds like is that you wrote the dialogue very, very, very quickly. All in a flow, and then didn't edit it. The reason I say that is because now that I've read the entry over twice .. I still have no idea who is who. There's no sense of character, to me. The names of Robyn and Khael could be switched, and I wouldn't know any different.

That comes from the fact that your action tags are simply action. They're not attributed actions that are letting me see the scene unfold. When you have great, long trains of dialogue it's easy to get lost into how quick and clever and snappy you're trying to be, and lose track of what you're trying to do with it all.

So! I must ask, was this ever produced? There's a great deal of potential within this. If you'd like, we could talk about getting it producer here at TFA! I have some friends who're ready and rearin' to get additional directing credits ..

Welcome back from hiatus, Sato~

I'm on a bit of one myself at the moment, but seeing you comment on this thread has momentarily pulled me from it.

I certainly do agree with you in regards to the character development, though some things were left intentionally scant [such as Robyn's sex, and the two's relationship] as they were subject to the Director's interpretation. If you'd care to give me a few pointers on how to improve it, or even work with me on doing so, I'd be more than happy.

And to answer your question, no; it was never produced, though seeing it performed would be wonderful. Feel free to do with it what you will.

I'll produce it, but I don't want to rewrite it - it's your content! If you're free, try submitting another draft with the changes I mentioned. Compress, and distinguish. I'd love to see it come to life. xD

I agree with Sato. This is something that I would definitely like to see performed. I don't know lick about screenwriting so I could not give any constructive tips on how it is written but what I would like to give is some encouragement to do just what Sato said which s to work on it a little bit more so that it can be played out on stage.

The dialogue was definitely quick (as I thought it was supposed to be in screenwriting) and the wit was there but something strange that I did notice is that the setting is in London and yet I read it as if they were Americans. I'm not too keen on accents and what-not but people in London differ a lot in vocabulary compared to Americans, don't they?

Anyways, I would love to see this played out on a stage. Hell, I'd even show up for auditions! : )

The setting is London, Ontario, not London, England. :p

And thanks for the lovely commentary. c:

LOL Of course it is in London, Ontario! People from Ontario have accen- Oh whatever! I can't even pretend to play that off. Still, it is something I would like to see more of. I have friends and family who have come out of the closet and had similar problems as Kyle (sorry, I cannot remember how to spell it) so while I cannot fully understand the discomfort and confusion of such a revelation, I can at least sympathize.

Thanks for clearing up my confusion. :)

I can see how Robyn's gender could be left up to director interpretation, but that amount of cutting wit leads me towards female. The "nice view" comment was a bonus.

However, there was far too much swearing. It's as if you wrote the dialogue in a stream of obscene consciousness. The back-and-forth gets lost in the sea of profanity, but I like how the reason for Khael's difficulties were eventually revealed. The trick is to find that happy medium between contrived sitcom-style setup slams and playground-style snappy comebacks.

Not a problem, Minstrel. c:

And giving it another read-through with that in mind, I would have to agree with you in that aspect, Andrew. Too much swearing.

If it were possible, I'd edit all unnecessary obscenities out of the post, but sadly, I cannot.