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RP Academy - Nightmare and Circ

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RP Academy - Nightmare and Circ

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Lord Saladin on Tue May 01, 2007 7:35 pm

Okay, so we begin tomorrow, Nightmare.

As noted in (Ninja)'s thread, I will post when I get back from work, so between 6:45 and 7pm GMT.

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Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Lord Saladin on Thu May 03, 2007 8:04 am

As the rays of the mid day sun beamed down upon the vast, open meadow, a warm breeze traversed across the wide clearing surrounded by the sparesly treed forest that lay in the far south of the land.

The breeze sent emerald blades leaning and dancing, thick and long, all in synchronisation, a rather beautiful sight. Beauty added by the calling of summer birds, singing of the happiness of this season, basking in the heat of the sun.

Stepping onto the meadow, the silver haired man who watched over this beautiful place cast his sweeping gaze of azure across the panorama of nature's beauty, set upon the backdrop of the clear sky.

Suddenly, with a change of the wind, the man would observe as what appeared as heat waves, distorting the images of the trees in the distance towards the west of the meadow.

Frowning with a sense of curiosity, this being a strange sight to witness in the meadow that had not been touched by human life, save for the silver haired man, for well over five and a half thousand years. It was sealed away and made invisible to the eyes of all who may come across the secluded valley and the meadow it holds.

As the distortions fell away, there was a man standing there. Instantly, the observer was on the defensive, but drew no weapon, prepared no spell. He would simply see what would happen.

There was a distinct feeling, however, that this strange invader was an innocent, just as a child, not yet knowing even his own name, nor from whence he had come.

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Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Nightmare on Thu May 03, 2007 1:44 pm

As the man emerged from the trees he was blinded by the sun and had his eyes closed as he walked forward into what he could not see, his body ached from something that had happened before being blinded by the sun.

His hair was black and his clothing was torn with scratches and wounds decorating his body from something prior to his emergence.

He couldn’t remember anything; he couldn’t find his name among vast words and could only feel the pain coursing through his body as the warmth embrace of the sun gripped his body.

His eyes adjusted to the light coming from the sun, the only thing he could remember is what had happened moments before as he wandered aimlessly through the seemingly, infinite amount of trees.

Or at least, that is what he thought to be true as he took a small glare to the trees behind him, he looked back to where his body was facing.

Pain shot through his body once more as he gasped for air and collapsed to the ground, he shook in pain ashe lie there waiting whatever came next; a brutal death, or salvation.

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Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Lord Saladin on Sat May 05, 2007 5:33 pm

Nicely done, Nightmare!

Overall, a very good post. I am impressed. However, you may want to read over your posts, as a few words have been missed out.

But, I reiterate just how impressed I am.

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Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Nightmare on Sat May 05, 2007 8:05 pm

Okay since your so impressed can you please impress me with another post? This seems to be getting intresting and I am considering making a character with amnesia in my next RP.

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Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Lord Saladin on Sun May 06, 2007 6:36 am

After a more detailed observance, the silver haired man saw that the new arrival was injured. His attire showed that the black haired man was perhaps a warrior.

Walking slowly towards the man as he fell to the ground, there was no quickening of pace; calm enveloped the guardian of this meadow, a place of sanctuary and great power.

His name was Saladin, and it had been his duty for many years to ensure that peace reigned in this place, for it was more than a simple meadow.

As he reached the man, he knelt besides him, wondering what he would do with him. In his current state, he would be unable to send the poor man away, but should he heal one who bought such pain to the world as wars.

Saladin did not much like those who bought violence, but at the same time, his compassionate nature meant he could not just send the man to die, which he surely would did he not receive healing.

Now peering directly into the man's face, Saladin spoke, "I will heal you now, unless you have qualms about that?" His voice was strong, baritone vocals showing confidence, but somehow, he was gentle.

As he awaited the response of the man laid upon the ground, Saladin wondered what would now happen. Would the peace of the meadow be destroyed, would it be enhanced? Would it remain secret? COULD it remain secret now?

He did, however, know that only time would be able to tell him that.

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Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Nightmare on Sun May 06, 2007 7:12 pm

As he lie there he could here a person but could not see him, he was currently blind as he lie there on the ground, drained of his energy and breath.

All he could do at the moment was give out a slight sigh, which was loud enough to hear, but too quiet to understand the nature of the sigh.

He had attempted to let out a sigh of relief but did not have enough breath to do so.

He awaited something to happen as he lie there, hoping for some sort of rejuvination, he was not impatient as far as he knew so he did not question his, or the person's personality at the moment.

All he knew at the moment was a slight joy and warmth that brushed over him with the wind and he contiue to lie there, awaiting once again for something to happen.

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Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Circ on Thu May 17, 2007 7:36 pm

Given that Lord Saladin is taking a leave of absence, I will be your new instructor.

Your post: when writing for a character, keep in mind that he or she should possess a sense of agency, motivation and personality. An entire post about lying on the ground, while not entirely inappropriate, lacks those qualities. Ask yourself: what is going on in the character’s mind at the moment; what are his sensory organs assailing his consciousness with; what is he feeling? When you answer those questions, make them the primary focus of your post. Additionally, please use paragraph format rather than inserting a line break after every sentence.


A chill wind sweeps across the forestation, shifting the lush, fragrant valley into a deep gorge where life dare not express itself. It is cold in this hole; very cold. The tempest is hardly ephemeral, and finds innumerable ways to pierce the depths of the rock-strewn gap with its icy fingers. Equally unforgiving is the ground, which seems to swallow up all the chill air attainable until it feels like a plate of ice shattered upon it and refused to melt. It is in this jagged, remote part of the world that a visitor finds himself strewn like a rag doll. His flesh cleaves to the all it touches, the blood recoils into the depths of his body, and if he fails to act he will no doubt freeze to death. Warmth, shelter, life—those are the toys for this game, and without them it ends.

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Re: RP Academy - Nightmare and Circ

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Nightmare on Wed May 23, 2007 2:22 pm

As he lie there unconsious the cold winds embraced his wounds sending shiver throughout his body and awaking him. He looked around in confusion, was all of that a dream, had the area been but a dream?

He ignored this question as he struggled to stand and shake off the mixture of cold and pain that continualy coarsed through his body. He wiped the snow off of his body as he continued forward, looking for somewhere to stay, anywhere that would not allow the cold to penatrate.

As he wandered aimlessley he pondered over other things such as his name, or where he came from. The cold quickly turned his mind off of this as it embraced him again, sharpened pain came from the earlier wounds from whatever had occured before.

He decided on one thing rather quickly, he would not give up. He tried desperately to turn his pain into a burning fury in attempts to warm himself up. It was beginning to work but another cold gust of wind swept over his body.

All he could think about for now was the cold, and how to escape it. His body shook from the mixture of pain and frost, he had now noticed that he was limping. An entry point for the freezing cold sat in the form of a gash in his leg. He looked back and saw a trail of blood. If he was to survive, he needed to find shelter, quickly!
Last edited by Nightmare on Wed May 23, 2007 11:20 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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Re: RP Academy - Nightmare and Circ

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Circ on Wed May 23, 2007 7:10 pm

First off, there are a few spelling errors, indicating you may want to exert a bit more scrutiny in your proofreading. Generally, the typographical errors are easy to read over (wouds), but other times they tear away any hope of understanding, e.g.: "had the wrea been but a dream?" I'm still not sure what that precisely means.

At any rate, with that said, you did much better than your previous posts! Things may have started slow, but you built upon the information as you supplied it and gradually increased momentum, eventually finishing off with intensity and suspense. That isn't to say the writing is superb, because it isn't, but you're learning how to effectively tell a story. Which is what matters in role play. More than anything.



Rocks crumble off the precipitous slope, rattling down the incline with increasing momentum and lethality. Some whirl passed the amnesiac's head. One even dares to scrape his temple, leaving a thin line of red in its wake. What motivates the minuscule avalanche? It is a figure, stark naked, standing at the top of the northern edge of the ravine. Drapes of honeysuckle blonde hair are swaying around her from calves to crown, partly concealing her nakedness. Her eyes gaze down with pity; self-pity. The forlorn look in them speaks truth, and plainly enough for anyone to see it. She wants to throw herself down, into the ravine’s coldness, starkness, and darkness. Already its deathly chill is asserting itself on her flesh.

She barely notices the man. Barely. When she does, she crouches down, pulling her knees into her chest as if that would somehow mask her undress. Her lengthy tresses cascade over the precipice, catching up dead leaves and dust with while floating wildly in the sharp updraft. She can see the man is hurt, cold, and alone. Still, he has something she lacks. It is the will to live, survive, fight away death at any cost. Such thoughts summon up in her the courage to speak.

“Who are you?” she asks, “and what are you doing down there?”

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Re: RP Academy - Nightmare and Circ

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Nightmare on Wed May 23, 2007 11:38 pm

The cold had almost completley nullified his body when the rock cut his temple, he flinched slightly from the miniscule pain in his head, ignoring it and paying attention to the heavy throbs of his heart which was working desperatley to kepp the blood flowing.

He knew not to rest even for the most minute second for fear that his body would then give up even if his mind did not will it, he had to contiue for it was one of two options; live, or die.

As he heard the voice he stopped for a second, his heart was racing evr faster with an intermix of both fear and joy, the fear from the identity of the voice not being known, the joy from knowledge of other intellectual life.

He peered around slightly, not moving his body but an inch, finally he looked up; his eyes were greeted with the vision of a beutiful woman standing upon the rock wall which stood up utop the wall.

He quickly turned away from the woman with a slight embaressed look on his face, after he was done he pondered over the question a moment, He had though of an answer for the second question but still pondered the name.

He ran a series of names through his mind, and even more words that he could turn into a form of "nickname" to replace his currently unknown real name.

Finally, he came up with something to be called. He adjusted himself for a moment as he rubbed his arms, he finally responded to the woman's question.

"To answer your second question as to what I am doing down here the answer is simple; I am survivng a frosted over forest, or at least that is what appears to be to me... And to answer your first question; I currently do not know my true name but you can call me..." He chuckled for a moment "Fable... Now that I have answered your questions I want to ask you some of my own... One: What is your name? Two: What are you doing up there? And Three: Why do you not have clothes on?"

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Re: RP Academy - Nightmare and Circ

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Circ on Thu May 24, 2007 10:30 pm

Once more, your post appears to have been written in haste and, as such, is riddled with typographical defects. I am sure you’re aware of this, and won’t harp about it any further right now, but be forewarned that I will bring it up every post, until you start proof-reading your writing and applying a spell check. Additionally, you use some words that are inappropriate, given their natural meaning. For example, your use of “nullified” in the opening sentence, when you clearly meant “numbed” or some such synonym thereof. In the same line, you inappropriately apply a comma splice where you should have a sentence break; see “his temple, he flinched.”

That is enough harping about syntax for the time being, and I’m sure you sufficiently gather my meaning. I’m not exclusively here to revile your grammar, anyway. I am far more interested in your skill as a storyteller.

You are building your character up well, in terms of growth, but I fear it doesn’t have a clear direction. However, I want you to cut to one extreme or the other: altruism or utter sadism. Progress toward one of those extremes, and not based on character actions per se, but on a psychological and emotional level. Despite circumstances, your character seems to be a bit of a jokester. Does this seem appropriate to you, cracking jokes while on the verge of freezing to death? Consider that. Still, the dialogue is good (minus the terrible misuse of semi-colons [which join two distinct sentences together if one can’t stand by itself or act as a separator in a large, grouped list] and do not behave as a comma).

Interaction is good. Now let’s try some agency.

“It is easier to freeze to death while naked,” she remarks somberly, distraction suddenly averting her gaze from Fable; perhaps with an accompaniment of shame. Even then, she doesn’t let an awkward silence befall them, for such is not in her female nature. Instead, she chimes in with: “If you head west, there is a path that should help you escape the ravine.”

“And your name?” persists Fable?

She sighs, gazing down at him briefly, as though considering whether to tell him or not; her gaze is suspicious, somewhat weak, but kindly nevertheless. Then a shiver interrupts her reverie, and she opts to go tit-for-tat, taciturnly announcing, “Marybeth.” Rather than let him contemplate anything extraordinary of such an utterly mundane name, she stands up and strides in the direction of her earlier indictment. Heading westward, she doesn’t wait for him to follow. She just somehow knows that he will—that he must, if he wishes to survive. Standing still in his condition, in this cold, is veritably begging for death.

“Hurry along,” she shouts back, her voice strengthening a bit; brassy, yet sweet like honey. Like the waves of honey cascading over her back, concealing her pale flesh.

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Re: RP Academy - Nightmare and Circ

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Nightmare on Sat May 26, 2007 9:31 pm

He followed her and kept his eyes on the snowy path in front of him and his mind on his identity which was still unknown to him. All he knew was something happened, something which left him in tremendous pain.

He contemplated more and more on his identity, wondering if he may be some hero or some villain. He wondered why he was even injured, and if the next place he went would fear him or cheer for him.

His mind got distracted as he though more about this mysterious woman. She said that the reason she was naked was because it was quicker to freeze yet she was standing utop the wall like she was going to jump.

Now he was thinking if he should ask her or not. He wondered if he should even open his mouth and say a word. he gave a quick glance over at her and continued his attention to the snowy path.

After a while longer he decided to open his mouth and ask the question.

"Earlier, you said that the reason you were naked because you would freeze quicker. If that was really the way you were going to die than why ere you standing on that wall as if you were going to jump?"

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Re: RP Academy - Nightmare and Circ

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Circ on Sun May 27, 2007 4:22 pm

What did I tell you about paragraphs? More than one sentence goes in ‘em! Watch your comma placement, as well; use them where you feel a pause should go. Your sentence structure also needs some finesse. Try writing something, and then re-writing it, as such often results in dramatic improvements. As to the story, it is good that you exchange in dialogue and show that your character is thinking, but you don’t make a huge effort to manipulate the environment. Every role player should feel free to do so, unless the GM says otherwise. So yeah, keep all that in mind for next time.


She deliberately ignores him, and they walk in silence a while. At least, she thinks of it as silence; her ears pay no attention to him, the shrieking wind demonizing the ravine, or the crunch of pebbles beneath her feet and his. Only when their paths converge, his leading up and her own remaining straight, does she respond. She turns to him as he acquaints himself with higher ground, announcing: “Does it matter, Fable? Really, honestly, truly—does it matter a damn? Dead is dead. If I fall and don’t die, the cold will take me. If I’m too afraid to fall, the cold will still take me. All I care is that it takes me swiftly. Now it won’t take me anywhere, because I found you, shivering stupidly and unable to find your way.”

Derisively sighing, she turns away from him, but can still feel his eyes upon her nakedness. Her arms cross, and she spins her head back over her shoulder, her lavish mane rippling like a pool of honey over the milky undulations of her back. As if to distract herself from the obvious, she begins babbling again.

“You don’t even know who you are! Were probably out hunting, fell in there, and hit your head. Amnesia, they call it. Well, perhaps if you stayed home with your wife and children, you wouldn’t have amnesia. If you have family, that is. Do you have family? Everyone does, so you must have some somewhere. Do you remember them?”

Marybeth shyly turns around, her arms still crossing over her breasts, a posture that acts as much to hide them as keep them warm. Her takes lock on to his.

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Re: RP Academy - Nightmare and Circ

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Nightmare on Tue Jun 05, 2007 8:06 pm

"Okay, I get that lfe sucks for you and you hate everybody and everything in your life but you should consider yourself lucky!" Fable shouted at her. "I don't have a single hint of who I even am! And I am really feeling sorry for even meeting you!" He paused for a moment as he cracked his neck.

"You may want to go kill yourself but you don't have to bring your suffering down on me! And as I said a moment ago you should consider yourself lucky! I don't even remember my name! I don't remember how I got bloodied up! I don't know shit and your taking your self-loathing out on me! Why don't you go back to that ledge and go jump off it! I'm sure I can find somewhere by myself!"

He took a glance around and noticed a light that faded and shown like the light of a fire. "Just be sure to be quiet when you go dying! I don't want to have to listen to your screaming when I try to sleep. In fact, I could be killed over there for being some scum-bag! So see you later bitch!!" He shouted as he stormed off to the flame. He came upon a small camp with noboddy sitting around the fire. His head started spinning from yelling at her earlier and he collapsed in the snow. He hoped that someone would be there and help him with his wounds when he awoke.
Last edited by Nightmare on Mon Jun 11, 2007 2:31 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: RP Academy - Nightmare and Circ

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Circ on Thu Jun 07, 2007 5:09 pm

I assume by your recent silence that you have been busy. Rather than accept your most recent post, I will wait for you to have time so that you may assert greater effort. While re-writing it, here are some things for you to consider:

Is "Sorry..Didn't mean to upset you" really how your character would speak? Also, the "Fable said as things got quieter" isn't a sentence; it is a sentence fragment, and should be appended to the end of the dialog preceding it via a comma WITHIN the quotes. Similarly, you forgot to put a comma between "wind" and "which" in the subsequent sentence. Who is saying "We should continue"?--identify the speaker, unless it is obvious!

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Re: RP Academy - Nightmare and Circ

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Circ on Tue Jun 26, 2007 7:09 pm

First, I would like to begin by apologizing for not responding. I have this topic watched, but apparently that doesn’t include notifying me when a post is edited. Sorry. :(

As to your post, it appears improved from the last one in length and substance. The direction has also changed drastically, and opens up an opportunity to test the depth of your character.




“Wake up!” drills a hoarse voice through Fable’s subconscious, accentuated by a light but firm kick to the ribs. It effectively wakes him up, alerting him to the reality that he has no memory of himself and little knowledge of his whereabouts.

Another nudge from the boot comes, followed by, “I said wake up, man! There. That’s better. Now, have you seen Lady Marybeth?”

As Fable would open his eyes, he would see in the predawn light a small camp in the midst of being gathered up for relocation. Search gear, ropes, and packs lay on the ground in piles, held together by swiftly-tied twine. Men gather them up and drape them across the backs of horses. It is a miniature chaos gathering around a small, spent fire circle from which originate a spiral of prints shooting off from the dirt to the forest beyond.

The man standing above Fable is clearly tired, and heavy circles weight his eyelids. Still, he is strong enough, despite the worry in his eyes. A man of valor, perhaps a lord of some sort, although his clothing looks too rugged for that sort.

“Well, have you or haven’t you? Don’t try and tell me you’re a mute! I heard you whimpering in your sleep.”

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Re: RP Academy - Nightmare and Circ

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Nightmare on Fri Jun 29, 2007 11:48 pm

As he picked himself up off the ground he put his attention to the man who was beginning to annoy. "You had better watch it." Fable said with a firm voice followed by a shudder "You could be talking to some serial killer who is easily agrivated. Luckily for you, even I don't know who I am." He paused as he pondered the person's question. "If your talking about that woman with long hair who wandered into the woods don't expect to find her alive. She said something about killing herself several times then I bit her heas off for biting my head off and then I stumbled over here and collapsed." He took a yawn and stretched, but not for long for a sharpened pain shot through his leg as he fell back to the ground. "Damnit!" He shouted as he drabbed onto his right leg. He struggled to get back up and looked the man in the eyes. "Do you mind me coming with you? you can drop me off at the nearest home or something."

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Re: RP Academy - Nightmare and Circ

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Circ on Mon Jul 02, 2007 6:30 pm

Okay. It is clear, if you read over these last few posts, that you just got your character into some deep dookie. Now he will have to face the consequences of that. Don’t think fighting back is going to help you. In fact, it’ll just make your situation worse. For this occasion, your character has no magic, supernatural strength, or other powers. That doesn’t mean I want you to curl up in a ball cry like a sissy, either. I want to see some quality character development here.


“Cur! Only a mongrel of a man would speak thusly to a woman, and indeed, one of rank!” bellows the man vehemently, attracting the interest of his comrades.

Then Fable is given a start: the man withdrawals a long, weighted javelin from a nearby horse’s saddle and directly whirls it around, slamming the blunt end into Fable’s breastbone and knocking the amnesiac’s breath away. The weapon presses harder, causing Fable’s ears to sting from the crackling of his sternum.

“Did you not hear me when I said ‘Lady’?” snarls the man, pulling the weapon off Fable’s chest just long enough to smash it across his jaw. A few teeth shatter in the process, the tang of blood saturates Fable’s taste buds, and his neck rattles from the recoil.

If anything, Fable is swiftly learning that there are consequences for one’s actions—especially in the way of how to treat a lady.

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Re: RP Academy - Nightmare and Circ

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Nightmare on Mon Jul 02, 2007 7:54 pm

As he stood he coughed up drops of blod as he crawled across the ground trying to stand up. after a while he regained his strength but continues to cough and as the man let his guard down Fable made his left hand into a fist and turned, bringing his fist into the man's pelvis area. Snow flew through the air when he brought his left leg through it, leaving the right leg in the air, when he turned covering him mostly in snow when he returned to his prior fetal position from the pain in his leg. When the pain subsided some he got into a kneeling position.

"Luckily for you you didn't lose any bones, you just got a lot of pain and hopefully I can talk now without fear of being hit the jaw again." Fable said as he gripped his jaw in pain. "Are you sure she's a lady? Because the way she acted wasn't very lady-like. And by the way, any female can be related with the adjective 'Lady'"
Last edited by Nightmare on Thu Jul 05, 2007 1:35 am, edited 1 time in total.

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