Announcements: Introducing INK, the Writer's Currency » RPG's New Design Team » Now Open: RPG Staff Applications » 10 Years of RPG: Share Your Story » Can't Send PMs? Need Your 10-Forum Posts NOW? » A (Friendly) Reminder to All Romance RPers. » The Newbie's Guide to RolePlayGateway: Read This First! »

RP ACADEMY - Power'Lord and Circ

a topic in Role Play Academy, a part of the RPG forum.

Moderator: Scholars

Having trouble understanding how roleplay works? Jump in here and ask for some help, you'll have a personal guide to help you out in various places as you play around the site.

RP ACADEMY - Power'Lord and Circ

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Circ on Tue May 22, 2007 5:42 pm

Silk twine binds tightly to Power'Lord’s ankles, legs, thighs and waist. It is black silk, holding him in suspension from the ceiling of a monstrous room of glass. Already the silk bites into his flesh, just as it bit a deep notch into the metal hook securing it to a large glass beam above him. Inverted as he is, he can’t help but sway back and forth to the rhythm of his own breathing, gravity doing the work to tighten his smooth shackles. Blood rushes to his head, slowly suffocating his senses and drowning his brain. The same blood is simultaneously cut off from his lower body, by now bruised with sunset-colored markings.

Still, he is not alone. From the ceiling, along with himself, are other hanging bodies; dead, draped in silk shrouds from the waist down. They are interspersed with long shards of glass, almost daggers-like in appearance, which hang as stalactites from the shining dome. Some are as short as a finger, but others stretch downward—down to the rippling pool beneath him. It seems they are stretching down like rainbows, or perhaps long sharp prisms bathing in light.
conditio sine qua non

Tip jar: the author of this post has received 0.00 INK in return for their work.

User avatar
Circ
Member for 12 years
Promethean Conversation Starter Author Inspiration Conversationalist Contributor

Re: RP ACADEMY - Power'Lord and Circ

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Power 'Lord on Tue May 29, 2007 3:43 am

Power 'Lord tries to use his powers to chop the silk twine but they have disappeared. He chews through the twine and falls 30,000 metres. Power 'Lord lands in a hallway of doors unscratched. 'wow' he says, not realising his power to regenerate has come back. He goes up to one door and opens it. A bright blue light flashes and he shuts the door quickly. He goes over to another door and opens it. A bright white light flashes and he quickly closes it. Power 'Lord looks down the hall and sees a dark figure coming towards him. It comes and comes and comes until he realises it's a Janitor. 'How you doin', sonny?' says the Janitor and walks into the room with the bright white light. Power 'Lord looks down the hall again and sees another dark figure coming towards him. He gets scared and backs down the hall. He reaches the back wall and, without looking away from the dark figure, feels for a doorknob but there is none. Power 'Lord looks up above him and sees that 30,000 metres higher are the bodies he was hanging with. Power 'Lord looks at the dark figure, still coming towards him. He yells for help, hoping the Janitor will hear him. 'HELP!!!'
Time To Go Boingy Boingy?

Tip jar: the author of this post has received 0.00 INK in return for their work.

User avatar
Power 'Lord
Member for 11 years
Conversation Starter Conversationalist Friendly Beginnings

Re: RP ACADEMY - Power'Lord and Circ

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Circ on Tue May 29, 2007 5:28 pm

What can I say? R. L. Stine would be impressed. Of course, maybe he would want to kill you in your sleep after a vicious rape-assault for writing that rather trippy paragraph. In brief: it pained my mind, although there weren’t many serious spelling or grammar errors to induce the trauma. Most of the problems were a product of your staccato touch, which is a fancy way of saying you write short and blaring sentences. Hemingway had a knack for doing the same, but he knew how to use commas. For example, “…chop the silk twine but they have disappeared.” A comma should go in-between “twine” and “but.”

Anyway, on to the actual storytelling that pained me. For starters, I have no idea who or what your character is. You never described him, but you begin writing as though the reader already knows. It’s confusing, and as a result none of your character’s behaviors make sense. Nor do you endeavor to deliver the mental condition of your character—he is hanging by his ankles from a piece of silk in a big ice dome, for Pete’s sake! Surely something is going through his mind. I mean, granted, external viewpoint and all that, but omniscient observer is generally better for the reader. I guess before this becomes too long-winded, I’ll say that your change of the environment potentially indicates two things: first, that you may have not understood my post or read it very deeply before responding; this may or may not be true, giving way to the next possibility. You could have intentionally changed the environment to suit your writing whimsy, which I have no real objection to. It is good to improvise and take command over a situation for the sake of the story. My bone is with how you do it. There is no real change; it’s just suddenly different, without reason—without your character knowing it. He goes from falling into a lake to falling into a hall of doors. If in your next post you could fabricate some pretty explanation for why this happened, that would be nice. :)



The dark figure, still obfuscated by distance and the turgid play of light, halts abruptly at the recently-descended entity’s sudden verbal ejaculation. Indeed, the pubescent bellow of terror rattles up toward the ceiling of the icy vault, causing corpses to sway in its reverberations. Then suddenly, the figure steps to the side, throwing open a door through which come flames, tearing his being apart in its volatile exhale. It melts the ice rapidly around the opening, and the heat emanates high enough into the transparent rafters that—coupled with the plea for help—the faint sound of cracking emerges. A sound none who have heard it can ever forget. It is the sound of ice cracking.

Within moments all the doors have vanished, leaving only a faint sheen of crystal glass around the exterior of the room; so thick it is utterly opaque. Chunks of ice begin descending from the dome, as great as those thrown by ballistae of old. They shatter like myriad daggers on impact with the floor and shoot up waves of chill water as they break upon the surface of the lake. It goes on and on, and as the ceiling collapses, there is nowhere to go. Nowhere to go except into the lake itself…

Tip jar: the author of this post has received 0.00 INK in return for their work.

User avatar
Circ
Member for 12 years
Promethean Conversation Starter Author Inspiration Conversationalist Contributor

Re: RP ACADEMY - Power'Lord and Circ

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Power 'Lord on Wed May 30, 2007 3:47 am

I will try to do better, Circ. Who my character is will be explained at the end of our rpg story.

The Janitor comes running out of the room and explains to Power 'Lord why this is happening. 'Sonny, The man behind it all works in weird ways' says the Janitor and disappears in thin air. Power 'Lord looks at the ice coming towards him and looks at the lake. He jumps in the lake and swims to the bottom. Power 'Lord's life flashes before him. He decides to take a breath underwater and sees he can breath underwater. Power 'Lord wanders what is going on. Little does he know, his power to morph into whatever can survive the conditions is back. He wiggles his buttocks and looks at them. He sees he has a tail. He swims further along the lake until he comes across a merman that looks like the Janitor. Power 'Lord doesn't say anything, afraid he can't talk in water. The Merman signals Power 'Lord to come with him. Power 'Lord follows him. The Merman stops at a clam. The Merman opens the clam and pushes Power 'Lord in. Power 'Lord sees a bright light, he is falling through a tunnnel. Power 'Lord lands in a meadow of black grass. He looks around and gets his memory back. 'I remember now! I have the every power there is and can be.' he says. 'You are a normal man' says a black sheep. Power 'Lord wonders why the sheep spoke to him. Is he going crazy?!

Tip jar: the author of this post has received 0.00 INK in return for their work.

User avatar
Power 'Lord
Member for 11 years
Conversation Starter Conversationalist Friendly Beginnings

Re: RP ACADEMY - Power'Lord and Circ

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Power 'Lord on Thu May 31, 2007 2:40 am

The sheep morphs into a man wearing pink tights and pinik mask. ' Power, how are you?' the masked man asks. 'SaintlySoul! my buddy! I'm great! I thought I'd lost you.' responds Power 'Lord. 'You lose me? How could that happen?' jokes SaintlySoul. Power 'Lord and SaintlySoul laugh together. 'we have to get out of here, Power. Up to that volcano-like building, through C Forest.' says SaintlySoul. 'why?' asks Power 'Lord. 'Don't why me, Power! Did you even read the sign when you got here?!' SaintlySoul says, frustruted. 'There was no sign. I came through a clam.' says Power 'Lord. 'Don't give me that bullshit!' yells SaintlySoul. 'Are you sure you're SaintlySoul? Because you certainly sound like your clone; SinfulSoul!' Power 'Lord yells back. 'Sorry, Power. We are in the Meadows Of Circ.' says SaintlySoul. 'Meadows of what?' asks Power 'Lord. 'Meadows Of Circ. Controlled by Circ.' says SaintlySoul. 'Ok.' says Power 'Lord. 'Then come on before something bad happens' says SaintlySoul and pulls Power 'Lord to come with him. 'One last thing, buddy?' Power 'Lord asks. 'WHAT?!!!' says SaintlySoul.

'What's a Circ?!'

Tip jar: the author of this post has received 0.00 INK in return for their work.

User avatar
Power 'Lord
Member for 11 years
Conversation Starter Conversationalist Friendly Beginnings

Re: RP ACADEMY - Power'Lord and Circ

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Circ on Sat Jun 02, 2007 10:08 pm

Changed: I'm toning down the language. I realize it was a bit severe, and for that I apologize. I don't want to scare you away. :)

“What’s a Circ?” Circ is my name on the GWing forum, but not the name of any character I play on the forum. As of yet, I haven’t even introduced a character into this story. As a rule, your character and NPCs do not know of the name or anything relating to another player’s character until the player reveals that information to your character via role play.

A story should have continuity and fit the setting. You change settings every frequently and, as such, break the continuity and create something that is distracting to read. Breaking up the flow also takes away from the depth of the writing. You want to write deep and narrow, not broad and shallow. When there is nothing static and the characters change personality every few sentences, it's just hard to stay interested. Also, try to tone things down. Your writing is a bit over-the-top. Things don't have to be unbelievable to be entertaining. :)


The meadow is a vast one, over ten miles square, with an enormous stone wall containing it at all sides. While the reason is not known, the grass within is inky black, as if fed by a perpetual well of oil. The dark pigment even goes so far as to ooze from the prickly blades in slow, even droplets that inevitably stain the soil. It is sparse, growing in patches, and hideous to behold.

Still and all, it is a nice cloudless day out. The sky is blue and the sun is bright and wind blows softly over the land. Of course, you know what they say about a bright warm day and a smelly landfill: it stinks. In fact, the air is so noxious that it would cause a person to swoon from the heavy odor. The only things that don’t seem to mind the odor are the insects, innumerable mosquito-like creatures swarming like a fine mist; the vermin, small chinchilla-like creatures with hard shells instead of soft coats; and the snakes, lots of snakes, shiny and black like the grass. Naturally, the snakes feed off the vermin, and the vermin feed off the insects, and the insects feed off the blood of the two people standing in the field.

It is a lovely little ecosystem.

Tip jar: the author of this post has received 0.00 INK in return for their work.

User avatar
Circ
Member for 12 years
Promethean Conversation Starter Author Inspiration Conversationalist Contributor

Re: RP ACADEMY - Power'Lord and Circ

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Power 'Lord on Tue Jun 05, 2007 2:17 am

Power 'Lord looks around at the ecosystem. He wonders over to the mosquito part and, being a mosquito studier in his powerless life, he studys them whilst SaintlySoul runs to feed the snakes. Power watches as the mosquitoes buzz in and out. He studys one specifically, one that looks and acts familiar. He watches go in the hole in the tree and come out with another mosquito. That mosquito reminds Power 'Lord of someone he met or someone he knows or maybe he's just imagining it. Power hears SaintlySoul yell 'Power, I've found a house!' They both run down and knock on the door of the house but Power still can't help thinking about that mosquito. There is no answer and SaintlySoul pushes the door open. 'You coming in?' he asks. 'yeah' says Power. They walk around the house but suddenly Power and SaintlySoul are separated and they can't find each other. 'SaintlySoul! SaintlySoul! Where are you? This isn't funny!' Power yells. Power walks into a room on his left. It is dark and he feels for a light switch but as he turns on the lights, he gets a shock of what he sees. Power tries to escape but the door is locked. 'what do you want?!' he screams. 'What are you?' he yells.

Tip jar: the author of this post has received 0.00 INK in return for their work.

User avatar
Power 'Lord
Member for 11 years
Conversation Starter Conversationalist Friendly Beginnings

Re: RP ACADEMY - Power'Lord and Circ

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Circ on Wed Jun 06, 2007 7:06 pm

At a very high level, this post is a slight improvement from your previous ones. You intentionally leave the ending hanging, with the idea that another role player will come and finish it. That is a good thing, because it works as a cliff hanger and an invitation. There is also less running around being crazy and more focus. Overall, better post. :)

Now for the flaws.

Before you use a word, make sure you know its meaning and the context in which it should be used. Take your first sentence, for example: “Power’Lord looks around at the ecosystem”; you use it in a context where it really doesn’t really make much sense. Click here for a definition of what the word means. In the next sentence, you substitute wanders with wonders, which is a common mistake that I would love to see less of. Word selection is very important in writing, as it sets the flow and meaning of what you’re trying to relate.


Although hiding in the shadowy corner of the room, the monster is somewhat perceivable by the eerie inflections of candle flames. Black candles, with orange and yellow fire gypsies performing their acrobats atop, gently slipping downward with the slowly melting wax. The monster’s face is difficult to see, but there nonetheless: flat, pale white, with horns projecting straight up out of the top through a coat of tawny fur and eyes huge ovals of affected amber. There is a rustling noise, a stomp, and the creature emerges from its hiding place. It is a goat—an upright goat, or perhaps a demon of similar variety—with large ears sticking straight out either side of its head, looking utterly absurd and a large beard hanging from the bottom of its chin to almost the floor.

“I want your blood,” chatters the creature through boxy, wide-spaced teeth, “but only a bit.”

“Why do you need my blood, you billy goat?!” shouts Power’Lord, who in that moment realizes his back is flush against the door and his hand is shakily clutching the doorknob.

Crouching down on all fours in an effort to cease intimidating Power’Lord with its ugly figure, the goat replies, “to bring back the goddess who will restore the meadow.”

Tip jar: the author of this post has received 0.00 INK in return for their work.

User avatar
Circ
Member for 12 years
Promethean Conversation Starter Author Inspiration Conversationalist Contributor

Re: RP ACADEMY - Power'Lord and Circ

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Power 'Lord on Fri Jun 08, 2007 10:10 pm

The goat burst out laughing and takes off its head revealing SaintlySoul's head. 'You should've seen your face' he says but suddenly something that looked exactly like the costume took SaintlySoul's blood and killed him. 'That's enough blood' it says and walks away. Power just startes blankly at the wall it walked through. He tiptoes forward every 2 minutes. He reaches the wall and walks through it. Suddenly, he is in another world. He looks around him. He sees a little lepcrauchan and runs away but is stopped by something more horrendous. 'Not again!' he yells. 'What is it this time?'

Tip jar: the author of this post has received 0.00 INK in return for their work.

User avatar
Power 'Lord
Member for 11 years
Conversation Starter Conversationalist Friendly Beginnings

Re: RP ACADEMY - Power'Lord and Circ

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Circ on Mon Jun 11, 2007 5:28 pm

Since we already discussed your previous posts in chat, I’ll just sum it up:

1) Concentrating on the setting and sticking with it
2) Allowing opportunities for others to interact with your character
3) Goal setting, short and long term

The future setting of this one-on-one will be fairytale, with the goal of rescuing someone from a castle tower. We will do our best not to mix unorthodox fairytale genres, like leprechauns with Pinocchio with Sleeping Beauty. :)



Even more horrendous than whatever was forgotten in the comparison (perhaps the fawn) is a large snake, its glossy black figure slowly swaying from the tree limb its tail wickedly embraces. Upside down, its head is level with Power'Lord’s, and cruel amber eyes pierce into those of the would-be hero. A tongue flicks out, the pronged tip twitching briefly between Power'Lord’s eyes before vanishing back in the snake’s pale, silky gullet. Poison drips from its nose like sap from a tree, landing on the ground with a hiss—just like the hiss of a snake—and burning the grass, leaves, and sticks.

“What are you doing in Fairyland?” enquires the snake in a deep, sensuous tone that oscillates with the hasty vibrations of its thin tongue against its cleft pallet.

Tip jar: the author of this post has received 0.00 INK in return for their work.

User avatar
Circ
Member for 12 years
Promethean Conversation Starter Author Inspiration Conversationalist Contributor

Re: RP ACADEMY - Power'Lord and Circ

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Power 'Lord on Thu Jun 14, 2007 1:17 am

We'll try to stick to it, Circ. Please be helpful and more precise with your comments.(Not that you already aren't).

Power 'Lord trembles with fear, looking around for SaintlySoul, who is nowhere to be found. ' I am looking for my friend' Power 'Lord answers. 'What is your friend doing in Fairyland?' enquires the dragon. 'He got taken away by a goat like monster. And I want to find him.' Power 'Lord answers. 'Where did this so called goatmonster go?' asks the dragon. 'I don't know. Maybe you can help me find them?' asks Power 'Lord. The dragon looks at our hero and starts walking. Power 'Lord follows, taking that as a yes. 'Thank you' our friendly hero says. Power 'Lord and the dragon walk into a forest in Fairyland and see that there is a house with its door open. They enter the house and Power 'Lord is so happy to see what is inside. 'Porridge! Three bowls! Three tvs! And three beds and chairs!' He screams. 'I wouldn't touch any of that if I were you.' the dragon exclaims. 'Why not?' Asks Power 'Lord, stuffing himself full of the porridge. They suddenly hear the door open. The dragon peeks its head around the corner and turns back to Power 'Lord. 'You're in for it now. I f you make it out alive, I'll meet you in the straw house on Muffin Lane.' says the dragon and disappears into a cloud of thin air. Our hero gulps as whatever the dragon saw is coming into this room. What is he to do?

Tip jar: the author of this post has received 0.00 INK in return for their work.

User avatar
Power 'Lord
Member for 11 years
Conversation Starter Conversationalist Friendly Beginnings

Re: RP ACADEMY - Power'Lord and Circ

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Circ on Thu Jun 14, 2007 7:14 pm

I wouldn’t have to be so precise if you read what I wrote. Now, did I say snake or dragon? ;]

Just because we’re doing fairytale-based RP doesn’t mean you have to try and incorporate every fairytale you can think of into one short post. Remember, write so the idea you convey is narrow but has depth. This means put a lot of detail into something specific rather than rushing from circumstance to circumstance. Your posts are a string of events without any details. Next time you write, limit yourself to ONE event. If you don't know what I mean by event, send me a PM and I'll provide a lengthier description.

Rewrite your post with this as the plot: your character is having a conversation with a talking snake hanging from a tree limb. You ask about your friend, and the snake offers to help you if you do something for it. Don’t say what. I’ll come up with something in my post. Good luck on attempt number two.

Tip jar: the author of this post has received 0.00 INK in return for their work.

User avatar
Circ
Member for 12 years
Promethean Conversation Starter Author Inspiration Conversationalist Contributor

Re: RP ACADEMY - Power'Lord and Circ

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Power 'Lord on Fri Jun 15, 2007 9:17 pm

ok. We will start from where Power is asking the snake about SaintlySoul, Circ.

Power 'Lord enquires about his beloved best firend, SaintlySoul. 'Do you know where my best friend is?' he asks. 'No.' says the snake. 'will you be able to help?' Power 'Lord asks. 'Maybe.' says the snake. 'If you do something for me...' continues the snake. 'Anything to save SaintlySoul. What do you need?' our hero says.

Tip jar: the author of this post has received 0.00 INK in return for their work.

User avatar
Power 'Lord
Member for 11 years
Conversation Starter Conversationalist Friendly Beginnings

Re: RP ACADEMY - Power'Lord and Circ

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Circ on Sat Jun 16, 2007 9:08 pm

While you did limit yourself to writing something reasonable, with inlets for other people to participate, you had no—and I do mean no—description. Your post was so was brief it possessed not a single adjective and few adverbs: those are the things we use to describe the stuffs of our writing and, without them, our writing becomes very bland. So, while I do like that you’re trying to focus, start breathing life to it! Look at my posts for examples on how to do this.


After flicking its tongue against Power’Lord’s lips, the snake pulls its snout away from him and smells the air, nostrils flaring and continuing to seep venomous saliva. Languidly, methodically, it returns its attention back to Power’Lord, and says in a slow slippery tone, “Find my eyes.”

“What? You have eyes! I see them,” says Power’Lord, surprise filling his voice.

Following a prolonged sigh that sounds more like a hiss, the snake replies, “They are painted stones, not real eyes, and therefore can’t see anything. A family of cruel birds stole them, because I was eating their eggs. Now I have been forced to eat mice, but they don’t taste as good as eggssssss.”

Tip jar: the author of this post has received 0.00 INK in return for their work.

User avatar
Circ
Member for 12 years
Promethean Conversation Starter Author Inspiration Conversationalist Contributor

Re: RP ACADEMY - Power'Lord and Circ

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Power 'Lord on Mon Jun 18, 2007 1:58 am

Power 'Lord wanders off in search of the snakes eyes.
'Power 'Lord?' says the snake.
'Yeah?' Power 'Lord asks.
'The birds' nest is that way'' says the snake and points its head in the direction of some pointy stones in the middle of the forests.
'That's easy to get to' says Power 'Lord. 'Your eyes are as good as found...um,...' continues our hero.
'Syril, Power 'Lord' says the snake.
'Yes, Syril. Your eyes are as good as found' says Power 'Lord.
'Thank you, Power 'Lord' says Syril. 'One last thing? Syril asks.
'Yeah?' asks Power 'lord.
Syril points his tail to a rock on the ground, with his tail.
'Oh.' says Power 'Lord and picks up the rock. He gives it to Syril.
'You look nice without eyes.' says Power 'Lord.
Syril graons and Power sets off, using his power to fly up to the pointed rock forest.
Power 'Lord reaches the nest and sees no birds are around. He sees Syril's eyes but suddenly a vulture comes up, protecting his madam's eggs.
'Who dares enter Pointy Rock Head?' says the vulture in nasty voice.
Power 'Lord quivering by now answers in a stutter.
'I was hoping you'd know something about-about-about-' He says.
'About what?! Get on with it!' says the vulture.
'About a snake's eyes.' Power 'Lord says, calming down but still frightened of what the vulture might do.
'Who is this snake you speak of?' asks the vulture.
'His name is Syril, Sir.' says Power 'Lord.
'Yes, I know him. He eats our eggs. I have his eyes here. What about him?' asks the vulture.
'He w-w-wants them back' Power 'Lord says.
'I am not giving thm back! He'll eat our eggs again!' says the vulture.
' He won't. I promise he won't' says Power 'Lord, still shaking.
'How about we make a deal?' says the vulture.
'S-S-Sure.' says Power 'Lord.
'If you can do something for me AND make it out alive, I will give Syril his eyes back and Syril must stop eating our eggs.' says the vulture.
'I'm happy to help. And I'm sure after eating all those mice, Syril won't eat your eggs again.' says Power'Lord, calmed down.
Power 'Lord and the vulture laugh for sometime.
'Uh, Mr.Vulture?' asks Power 'Lord.
'Yes, Human? Oh, and call me the King Of Points.' says the vulture.
'Call me Ishmael. Nah, Power 'Lord. What is it you want me to do, King Of Points, sir?' asks Power 'Lord.

Tip jar: the author of this post has received 0.00 INK in return for their work.

User avatar
Power 'Lord
Member for 11 years
Conversation Starter Conversationalist Friendly Beginnings

Re: RP ACADEMY - Power'Lord and Circ

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Circ on Mon Jun 18, 2007 6:11 pm

Question—when did Power’Lord tell the snake his name? If you re-read previous posts, you will see that he didn’t. Despite this, your latest post suggests the snake somehow knows it, without providing an explanation as to how, and thus presenting a glaring incongruity. Keep your ducks in order, darnit. :)

Also, watch out for defining characteristics of things other people create. What I mean by that is, you arbitrarily gave the snake a name. In this situation, it is fine, but other role players will tend to be very touchy about things like that and may become upset if you take too much leeway in that area.

Finally, your dialogue is candid, which is good, but it needs to be broken up a bit by description and paragraphing. Currently, everything runs together, and is a bit hard to read. Another factor making it difficult to read is your nonstandard formatting, which should adhere to this structure: double quotes around what a character says, rather than single quotes, which are typically used for quoting something inside quotes, like the following sentence.

Power’Lord blurts out, “Syril said, ‘Those pesky birds took my eyes!’ but I didn’t believe him until now!”

Overall, not horrible!




Fluttering its wings, the vulture steps forward, its claws curving over the lip of its nest as it thrusts an enormous and lidless bloodshot eye in Power’Lord’s direction. It holds this disturbing pose for several seconds, but finally backs off, craning its neck back and making derisive, detestable noises.

“I obviously want you to restore the bedding of my nest. It is hay spun from gold, and those horrible mice took it for themselves!” squawks the vulture irritably.

Power’Lord asks, “Mice? The ones the snake eats?”

“Don’t let that fool you!” shouts the vulture, poking Power’Lord in the chest with its pinions to emphasize its words. “Those evil little things will claw your eyes out, burrow into your skull, and eat your brains! I’ve seen them do it to many a small vulture!”

Tip jar: the author of this post has received 0.00 INK in return for their work.

User avatar
Circ
Member for 12 years
Promethean Conversation Starter Author Inspiration Conversationalist Contributor

Re: RP ACADEMY - Power'Lord and Circ

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Power 'Lord on Tue Jun 19, 2007 12:31 am

Power 'lord looks up at the sky. "You know what, it's getting dark King Of Points and I don't like flying in the dark. Could I bunk here for the night?" asks Power 'Lord. "Okay, but only for tonight.' says the King Of Points. That night, Power 'Lord sneaks out of his bed and into the vultures nest. He grabs Syril's eyes and flies off into the darkness.
Power 'Lord goes to the tree where Syril is sleeping and places his eyes beside him. Power 'Lord runs off into the darkness to sleep. Where he goes noone knows. The next morning, Syril wakes up to find his eyes next to him and the vulture wakes up to find Syril's eyes gone and Power 'Lord gone. "That defying beatnik of a human! He will pay! Someday! He will pay! Along his adventure! He will pay!"

Tip jar: the author of this post has received 0.00 INK in return for their work.

User avatar
Power 'Lord
Member for 11 years
Conversation Starter Conversationalist Friendly Beginnings

Re: RP ACADEMY - Power'Lord and Circ

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Circ on Thu Jun 21, 2007 8:38 pm

I apologize for my late response.

I see you made an effort to break things up into paragraphs. That’s good. You just need some work on knowing where to do it. Paragraphs are collections of thoughts (sentences) that go together. In your post, you could have three: the dialogue between Power’Lord and King of Points, the theft of the eyes, and all the sentences following “The next morning” line. Also, in the last line, you may want to point out who is speaking. Obviously, it is King of Points, but it could still use some clarification. A reader could get the speaker confused with Syril.





When Power’Lord finds Syril, he is coiled around his eyes, ramming his face into them in an effort to get them into his skull. His intermittent hisses blend with sighs of frustration, and he laments, “If only getting these back in could be as easy as it was to lose them!”

“Do you need help?” asks Power’Lord, trying to be sympathetic and not laugh at the silly sight of Syril slamming his face into the ground around his eyes.

“Yes, damnit!” returns Syril, losing his self-control.

“Sorry,” he picks up a moment later, “it is just… blah! So close…”

Tip jar: the author of this post has received 0.00 INK in return for their work.

User avatar
Circ
Member for 12 years
Promethean Conversation Starter Author Inspiration Conversationalist Contributor

Re: RP ACADEMY - Power'Lord and Circ

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Power 'Lord on Fri Jun 22, 2007 3:32 am

Power 'Lord puts Syril's eyes back in. 'So, you ready to save SaintlySoul?' asks Power. 'As ready as ever!' Syril replies. Power and Syril walk off into the forest where they see a house with its door open. 'Maybe SaintlySoul's in there...' says Power. 'I'm not sure...' says Syril, yet Power is dragging Syril along the forest floor into the house. They enter the house. Power sees everthing he has ever dreamed off. He knocks himself out in the house. Syril notices that Power is enjoying himself but doesn't look it. 'Everything okay, Power 'Lord?' asks Syril. 'Yeah, but its not the same without SaintlySoul.' Power exclaims. Power and Syril hear feet coming towards the house and hear a hand or paw on the door.

Tip jar: the author of this post has received 0.00 INK in return for their work.

User avatar
Power 'Lord
Member for 11 years
Conversation Starter Conversationalist Friendly Beginnings

Re: RP ACADEMY - Power'Lord and Circ

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Circ on Mon Jun 25, 2007 6:45 pm

To give you a prime example of where description pays off: does Syril walk? No, he is a snake. He slithers. Had you paid attention to detail in your post, perhaps that subtlety would not have been overlooked. So, attention to detail and description! Start doing it!

Also, why are you back to the single quotes?



Writhing and wriggling his way toward the door, Syril soon reaches it and peers in the hut to see Power’Lord pandering to all manner of gratuitous self-pleasure. It is enough to make the snake cringe. As a result, Syril deliberately avoids entering; instead, he asks Power’Lord, “Why are you in here enjoying yourself, instead of out there looking for your friend?” And … why are you gazing at the door as if you’ve seen a ghost? Nobody is out here. It is all your imagination.”

“I thought I heard someone coming toward the house,” says Power’Lord.

“There is no one here but us,” insists Syril. “You have let all those pleasures go to your head. How do you expect to keep it on your shoulders when you’re filling it with things that are no good for you? Now if you want to find your friend, I suggest you pull your pants back on and get moving.”

Syril starts to head back onto the main path through the forest, leaving Power’Lord with the decision of following him or staying in there indulging in salacious gratification.

Tip jar: the author of this post has received 0.00 INK in return for their work.

User avatar
Circ
Member for 12 years
Promethean Conversation Starter Author Inspiration Conversationalist Contributor

Next

Post a reply

RolePlayGateway is a site built by a couple roleplayers who wanted to give a little something back to the roleplay community. The site has no intention of earning any profit, and is paid for out of their own pockets.

If you appreciate what they do, feel free to donate your spare change to help feed them on the weekends. After selecting the amount you want to donate from the menu, you can continue by clicking on PayPal logo.

 

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 0 guests