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RP Academy: Ryuhei Aoi and Bane1150

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RP Academy: Ryuhei Aoi and Bane1150

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Aoi on Sat Sep 22, 2007 2:15 am

First, I would like to welcome you to my classroom; you're my first student. You may call me Ryuhei, or you may call me Aoi. Black will by my Out-of-Character color. I will use it to comment on your posts, giving you advice on what I feel you can improve.
And this, Blue, will be my In-Character color. Please note that Aoi means Blue in Japanese. I will use this color for all correspondence between my character and yours.
Finally, my friend, this is Red. When I use Red, that symbolizes speech between my character and yours. I will always use Quotation Marks (" ") around my Red Text, as this will symbolize my speech to you.
And now, let us begin.

---

Ryuhei had glanced down at his watch; it beeped midnight as he did so. He was standing at a corner of the training grounds, his little corner of the outdoor area of the Academy. His student was still asleep, and would be for the next few hours, he knew, and decided that he, too, should take a rest. However, his mind would not let him sleep; tomorrow was the first day of training, not only for his student, but for him, as well. This was his first evening as a Tutor of the Academy, and he was currently on a Probational Sentence; one false move, and he would surely be fired.

As the hours droned on, he could not find rest; his thoughts were unfocused and unclear, often dancing through conundrums, plexers, and puzzles. The sun had finally begun to rise, and as such, he decided to start a fire; not only would it keep him warm, but it would provide him with a cup of warm coffee. He had prepared a small meal for himself, and then put the fire out, turned, and noted that his student was stirring.


"Good morning," he said in a friendly manner. Might be wondering where you are right about now; well, let's just call this a forest, and you're going to need to survive; you'll only have your own skills to fall back on, and we may as well get started. "You are going to need food and a fire, after all; there's no pure water around here, so you'll need to boil what you drink. And, while there is plenty of meat, you'll need to kill it yourself. Lastly, despite the fact there are trees, you have no shelter. So, I am going to teach you how to survive in the wilderness."

Ryuhei handed Bane a knife, no signs of sarcasm playing on his face. He knew that the student was going to think this was some trick; his mind would give him reasons to believe that this was all set-up, or a lie. Something of that sort. However, this was no trick, and there would be no falsities; Ryuhei was here to guide the student, not give him all the answers; the student would have no way to escape. He would have to learn how to survive.
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Re: RP Academy: Ryuhei Aoi and Bane1150

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Bane1150 on Sat Sep 22, 2007 12:18 pm

"You're not serious are you? I just woke up!" Bane exclaimed. But his teacher only gave him a serious look so he took the knife. He staggered up onto the knees. "Did you even get a flint and steel?"Bane asked.


Hey Aoi remember me? I'm the one who cut off your head in the chat room!lolz
Please Go Here and Register So i Can Get A FREE IPOD TOUCH!!
http://www.YouriPodTouch4free.com/index.php?ref=4974629

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Re: RP Academy: Ryuhei Aoi and Bane1150

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Aoi on Sat Sep 22, 2007 1:34 pm

Yes, I remember. Now, for my first critique.
Your posts should be longer. Remember, if you don't give the next person anything to build off of, your posts will be ignored. In the case of a 1v1 spar, this could mean your death. In this case, it makes it more difficult for me to make a quality post, as I have little to build off of.


Ryuhei contained the serious look. "I'm one hundred percent serious, friend. You've got to start work now; you'll need shelter by this evening, food to eat, water to drink, and other such things; let's get to work." He pointed to the knife. "Use that to get food, and start on a shelter. Oh, you'll need to find wood to start a fire, first. Get to work." Ryuhei placed his hands in his pocket, and awaited his student's progress.

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Re: RP Academy: Ryuhei Aoi and Bane1150

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Bane1150 on Sun Sep 23, 2007 10:32 am

"Fine i'll go get fire wood," Bane said reluctantly. With that Bane jumped into the trees and off into the woods. About an hour later Bane returned with arm fulls of wood. He looked around but his teacher was gone, so he set the wood down and decided to take a snooze before his teacher came back.

Is this any better?
By the way i'm more active in the forum on weekdays.

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Re: RP Academy: Ryuhei Aoi and Bane1150

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Aoi on Sun Sep 23, 2007 12:10 pm

To put it bluntly, not much better. Here's what I noticed wrong with the last post.
-Still too short (two lines long just isn't enough)
-You used "Bane" way too often.
-You GodModded my character; that is, you took control of him and his actions. I never said I was leaving, and I have no idea where you put him.

Try doing another post; we'll ignore the one above. I won't make an IC post here until you have done so.

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Re: RP Academy: Ryuhei Aoi and Bane1150

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Bane1150 on Sun Sep 23, 2007 2:01 pm

ok ill try to kep from godmodding from now on. Umm is this a fantacy rp or what is it?

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Re: RP Academy: Ryuhei Aoi and Bane1150

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Aoi on Sun Sep 23, 2007 2:39 pm

Realistic Fantasy. So, no magic for you. You're completely "Normal."

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Re: RP Academy: Ryuhei Aoi and Bane1150

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Bane1150 on Sun Sep 23, 2007 5:53 pm

Are there fantasy creatures?

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Re: RP Academy: Ryuhei Aoi and Bane1150

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Aoi on Sun Sep 23, 2007 6:10 pm

Nothing you cannot handle with the knife I gave you.

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Re: RP Academy: Ryuhei Aoi and Bane1150

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Bane1150 on Sun Sep 23, 2007 7:00 pm

"Fine I'll go get some wood," Bane said. He then trudged off into the woods. Every now and then he would through the knife at a tree trunk thinking to himself "why did he give me a knife? I'll probably never use it." Just as he was thinking that a rabbit jumped out of the brush. It was a good thing he had practiced throwing the knife soo much on his way to find wood because he threw the knife and had his next meel. Bane walked a little more until he came to a dead tree. "This would be his fire," he thought, so he gathered up some wood and started back to camp. He arrived about half an hour later to camp.

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Re: RP Academy: Ryuhei Aoi and Bane1150

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Bane1150 on Sun Sep 23, 2007 7:07 pm

oops forgot colors.

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Re: RP Academy: Ryuhei Aoi and Bane1150

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Aoi on Sun Sep 23, 2007 7:19 pm

That post was a bit better.

What you have improved on:
-No GodModding.
-Better length in the post.
-More self-interaction.

What you need improving upon:
-Adding depth to character thoughts.
-Interactions with other people.
-Description of your actions. Saying things like "He threw the knife and killed the rabbit" can be interpreted many ways; too many.
--Compare: "He threw the knife and killed the rabbit," to "He thrust the knife forward with much agility; it was directed right into the neck of the unsuspecting beast, killing it quickly and painlessly."

Overall, I would say you're improving, and have a lot of potential.

---

Ryuhei looked down at his watch. Bane had just returned, and it was 7:50 AM. It seemed Bane had already retrieved some Firewood, and at least one half of a meal; he had only managed to retrieve a singular rabbit, and would likely be his breakfast. For now, it would suffice, though the amount of wood he had retrieved would only last an hour or two, however, and if he failed to keep the fire going, it was going to dampen his spirits.

"This amount of wood won't work; we'll need to venture deeper into the forest if we're going to get the payload."

Ryuhei looked up to the student, as though attempting to explore his mind; what special powers would he hold? There was only one way to find out; he would have to face some combat. There had been larger creatures in the forest, Ryuhei knew, and while most of the beasts could be handled with the knife Bane held, a few would require stronger powers; magic, perhaps, which Ryuhei had. He continued to look over Bane, through his soul; he had some talent, some magical power, but not enough to survive if he was looking to become a Mage. A few battles might be necessary if he were to unlock his true powers; even if he was planning on becoming a physical fighter, magical power was the backbone of physical strength, and would also help bolster his will to survive.

He glanced back down at his watch. 7:55 AM, twenty minutes until the training begins, he thought to himself.


"Gather some water, and start your fire. You have twenty minutes to nourish yourself; then we depart. Make sure you bring the knife with you."

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Re: RP Academy: Ryuhei Aoi and Bane1150

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Bane1150 on Tue Sep 25, 2007 11:26 am

Bane yawned. He was really tiered but knew it was probably from malnutrition. He was also fairly thirsty. He then decided to start a fire. He got on his knees and set his wood on the grond. But the ground was too wet, So he decided to move it to where the sun seemed to leak through the canopy. It was perfect here. the ground was moist yet not wet. Bane cleared away the leaves and set up his wood. He liked how some people could make teepee fires but he didn't know how. After he piled up the wood he got two tall rocks and set them on eighther side of the wood. Once he had completed that he turned and asked, "Do you have a flint?"

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Re: RP Academy: Ryuhei Aoi and Bane1150

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Aoi on Tue Sep 25, 2007 6:49 pm

Getting better. Might want to separate text from your paragraph, however. Text is often, in books, given separate paragraphs, as it often goes onto a whole new thought. Other than that, glad to see post length increased.

Ryuhei had indeed had a flint, and passed it down to the student without a word. The knife and flint would be the only two items he would give to the man in front of him, but would not be the last advice. He looked down at the tepee structure being built, and shook his head a bit. The tepee system wasn't the most effective; the log cabin was, and it was also quicker to setup, as it didn't require leaning pieces of wood against other pieces of wood, which made it more sturdy.

"You'll want to use the log cabin approach. Quicker, easier, and all-around, better-suited." He continued to watch the student, this time idly thinking to himself about what was fast approaching. 7:57 AM, his mind told him. Eighteen more minutes to go.

Sorry for the shortness. Have a lot of make-up homework to do; should still your character enough to build off of, however.

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Re: RP Academy: Ryuhei Aoi and Bane1150

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Bane1150 on Sat Sep 29, 2007 9:54 pm

sorry it took so long. i've been really buisy

Bane took his flint and then quickly rearranged his logs to meet his teacher's opinion. He struck the steel of his blade on the flint several times and let the sparks shower down onto the wood. After numerous tries the fire began to stir and burn. He almost cheered with joy as the flame grew and got warmer. Bane then nursed the flame on some more until he was sure it would not go out.
Bane then moved on to the next task. He grabed the rabbit and started skinning it. It was hard word since his knife was getting dull fron strikeing it on the flint so many times. On he worked for quite some time. Finally when he was done he sharpened a stick and drove it through the rabbits rear and out its mouth. When the stick was through he placed each end on one of the rocks on eighther side of the fire, leaving the rabbit hanging over the flame. Looking at it now the rabbit looked like it didnt have half the meat it had before he skinned it. Bane thought this might be because it was getting closer to winter when the rabbits grew thicker coats. After he had completed these tasks he sat back and thought. He thought about how he got here, what was going to happen to him, but most of all how will he get clean water! He pondered this for a few minutes before decideing he would have to ask his teacher, so he came out with the truth
," Ummm... How can i find water? There are no creeks anywhere close i dont think, and even if there where how will i pureify the water without something to boil it in?!?!"

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Re: RP Academy: Ryuhei Aoi and Bane1150

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Aoi on Sun Sep 30, 2007 11:54 am

Much better, friend. Great post length, enough detail for one to get a picture of the scene, and easily able to make a reply. Just double-space between each paragraph, rather than single-space.

Ryuhei wasn't pleased at his student's latest observation; he had claimed that 1) there was no water around, and 2) he had nothing to transport water with. Both of these statements were false, but at least he had managed to get a fire going, and the rabbit was roasting as well. So, he decided that he should address his student when he had asked him these questions.

"Ummm... How can I find water? There are no creeks anywhere close, I don't think, and even if there were, how will I purify the water without something to boil it in?!" His question was asked in the form of a yell, and Ryuhei could hear slight apprehension in his voice. So, he was a little nervous to ask this question; that was good, as it may have been the stupidest question he could have asked.

"Look around you. This is a forest... Plants; animals, such as the one you skinned; everything in this forest needs water to survive. So, I'd say it's fairly reasonable that water can be found around here, and it's likely to be close by, and more-than-likely, is a large source. As for carrying it and boiling it, you have that pelt. Utilize it." His answer had been stern, but that was what the question had called for, and so that was what it got. In all honesty, Ryuhei had known there was a large river around here, though he hadn't known exactly where; somewhere in the East, he thought, as he heard what sounded like the familiar pouring of a river in that direction. He decided not to tell his student that; he would give him a hint as to what he was looking for.

"Listen closely. Ignore the fire, Ignore the animals. Tell me what you hear."

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Re: RP Academy: Ryuhei Aoi and Bane1150

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Bane1150 on Thu Oct 04, 2007 8:37 pm

Bane listened. he tried to drown out the other noises, but he had a short tension span. He forced the noises out but they came back. He tried and tried, but it diddn't come to him. he thought he knew what he was listening for but he couldn't find it. He began to speak as he thought and listened. He mumbled to himself," I hear the wind....the trees russleing......the birds churping....... the squirrels jumping.....and," Bane jumped up and raced off into the woods. He ran and ran as if he was on fire. Suddenly he triped, and landed in a clearing.

It was like no other place he had been. Here in the untouched forest was an area with no leaves on the ground, lushious grass, and plenty of crystal clear water. he got up and scrammbled the the pool of water and drank deeply. He enjoyed the water greatly, for it was his only drink for the past day. Now looking up he noticed the real beauty of the place.The light seemed to channel down to the pool of water with sparkles that seemed to make the light heavenly. the trees were vineless and clean. there where no rocks, and the soil was soft but not muddy. It almost seemed impossible that there could be such a place in the forrest.

Bane decided to get his pelt ready to carry the water. He took his knife and started cutting strips of the hyde to sow with. Then he sharpened and whittled a stick to make a needle. He then folded it a certain way so the water would not leak out, and then sowed it. It suddenly occured to him, was his teacher comeing to him or was he going back to his teacher. He had run quite a ways to get here. He decided he should probably wait here for his teacher to find him. He couldn't remember which way to go. So he dipped the water pouch in the pool, tied it off, and waited.


Agian sorry its sooo late i have been extremely buisy with school and farm work....

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Re: RP Academy: Ryuhei Aoi and Bane1150

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Aoi on Thu Oct 04, 2007 10:19 pm

Certainly getting better, Bane. And no problem with the business; I know how it is. I am happy to say that your post length is getting better, thanks to covering all your bases. And, it's developing the RP, which is also good.

Ryuhei had been taught about his new ability; teleportation. He received it a few years ago, but until recently, it had been sealed away within him, along with it, the other inhabitant of his body. His parents... Rather, the souls thereof - those were what locked it within him. Ryuhei had gained a few abilities; teleportation, an increase in magical power and skill, the ability to sense other people's magical signatures, and... him; it. He thanked his parents for helping him seal it away, but he was also delighted that they were able to let it go.

So, anyway, he had the ability to teleport now, and it came in handy, especially when used in junction with the ability to mask other people's magical signatures. One of the downsides to the teleporting, however, was the fact that he could only telelport to places that were high in spiritual energy - cemeteries, hospitals, battlefields, and forests. Spirits of nature were also able to be teleported, too. Kaji was the one who taught him all this; he had the same abilities as Ryuhei, in that respect.

So, Ryuhei focused on Bane's magical signature; it was weak, but it was there. Without training, he'd be forced to use physical attacks. And, he teleported a few feet away, high up in a tree. He had followed his student through the forest, keeping an eye on him in case he were to get in trouble. However, he was careful not to let himself be seen; it was important to him that the student feel fear, and stayed on his toes. In his opinion, it was better that way, rather than to have the student feeling comfortable and at ease; that would get him killed.

He watched as the student gathered water, and then appeared to be lost. Good, their training would start earlier than planned, and it would contain a crash-course in survival - what to do in the event that you carelessly get lost from your camp. He noticed that Bane had the knife with him, at least; that would have been better than the alternative.

He prepared to jump down when he saw something; at first, he couldn't really tell what it was, but when he focused intently, he noticed a slight distortion in the water. Strange, too, as the water was entirely clear - this thing still seemed to blend in. What wasn't good was the fact that it was nearing Bane; perhaps it had detected pray, in the form of his student. Alternatively, it may have smelled the blood that was to be left behind on that rabbit pelt. Whatever the case was, it was closing in quickly, and there was not much he could do about it from this perspective.

Ah well, he thought to himself, allowing himself to be pushed, mentally, to a tree right above Bane. That was one thing he'd never get used to, or so he believed - the teleportation had a pull-and-push feeling whenever he used it. It almost made him want to throw up, but at the same time, it held him within some sort of forcefield. A euphoria, almost. In fact, he wasn't entirely sure how to explain it; it was just that.

The creature was looming closer to Bane. It had slowed down, blending in more with the water. And, since Ryuhei had an obligation to ensure his student's safety... to an extent, he decided it be best if he helped out. After all, if the Principal learned that he had allowed a student to die when he was no more than ten feet away... well, he would suffice to think there would be a little explaining to do after that. I could allow him to die, and then say he ran off into the woods himself, which he did do. Nah, moral obligations... Can't allow that to happen.

He drew up one of his daggers, squeezed its handle lightly, allowing it to be absorbed in a blue light. Suddenly, there was a dull buzz coming from the blade; the power of electricity. He took a careful aim, squeezed the blade a little harder, noting, within his mind, that it would apply the element of air, and thus would fly fast enough to kill the creature before it killed his student. He flung the blade forth, not really caring if he hit the beast or not; once it hit the water, that damned thing would be fried like a chicken for a family of black people.*

The blade did indeed connect with its head, just as it raised from the water. It was an alligator, though it was different. Apparently, it had inherited the ability to blend in with its surroundings. Ryuhei had no idea where the hell it received the talent - he believed it was an interesting trait for it to have - but decided it wasn't worth pondering. It was an unimportant and rather idiotic trait to have, since it still was killed, its head not laying about a foot and a half away from Bane, its head on the shore.

Ryuhei jumped down from the tree, landing easily on his feet. He spoke little, no emotion on his face.


"Lesson one. Pay attention to your surroundings." He pointed to the dead alligator behind Bane.

* I am in no way, shape, or form racist. I simply used that innuendo to help the effectiveness of my RP post, and have meant no offense or harm with that statement. I do apologize in advance, however, if anyone has taken offense by such a statement, and if you do have a concern with it, please PM me, and I will try to think of an alternate, equally-effective innuendo.

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Re: RP Academy: Ryuhei Aoi and Bane1150

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Bane1150 on Sat Oct 06, 2007 3:04 pm

Bane was dumbstruck. Where had his teacher come from? How did that aligator get here? how did his teacher kill the aligator so easy with a dagger? Suddenly he snaped out of it. There was a nother one comeing, and another. It occured to him these weren't aligators, they were water deamons wearing aligator skin over themselves. "Lets get outta here!"He yelled as he scrambled off into the woods.

Bane ran in the direction he thought was camp until he got tiered. So he jumped up into a tree to rest for a bit. But the creatures kept comeing. They ran, wooped, and yelled battle cries that had been thought up in seconds obviousely. Bane wondered where was his teacher? He hoped he wasn't hideing in some tree makeing notes of things he should lecture him on. Much more than that he wondered if he was alive. The little deamons started surrounding the tree. The only way out would be to fight his way out. By a quick glance he figured there where atleast fifty of them. That was a lot of fighting.

Bane drew his dagger. He couldn't fight with this. Atleast not hold off fifty little midjet sized critters. Thinking quickly he looked around in the tree for a hard strait branch. He found one and dacked it off the rest of the tree with his knife. He then tightly tied the knife to the pole with some left over pelt-string forming a spear.

He took one last gulp of his water and droped into the mass. Almost instantly they broke into a melee. At first bane didn't really know how to fight the things. He blocked every now and then but they still slashed him alot with their miniature swords. Suddenly Bane let out a yelp of pain. He had taken a heavy blow from one of the monstrositys that left a deep gash. Out of anger He stabed hard at the one who cut him. Splash! he had finally killed hid first one. To his surprise when they died they quickly turn into water and splashed down into a puddle. After this he began to pick up the pace. A quick slash here, and stab there. Puddles began to form all around him.

Bane was glad he could kill the things now, yet he was weakening at an enormous rate. He was looseing blood fast. He knew if it went on like this it could lead to his end. All he could do though was keep fighting.

After wat seemed to be several hours (probably only several minuets). The deamons started to realize they were about to get wiped out. Some scrambled back to where they came from. Others stayed and fought to the death. Eighther way the deamond were gone before banes eyes. Did i killed all of them? He thought to himself. Suddenly he felt a great pain, and weakness. He doubled over and passed out.

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Re: RP Academy: Ryuhei Aoi and Bane1150

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Aoi on Sat Oct 06, 2007 11:29 pm

One problem; you're GodModding. I'm the Game Master of the RP, thus, you shouldn't create enemies to kill.
However, that was a good post length; plenty of detail in your post, though your attack-style is a little lacking still.


Ryuhei had once more teleported to his student. This time, however, he was not simply watching; he had to take action - his student had collapsed. He willed himself to the ground, and closed his eyes - instantly, he was standing beside his fallen apprentice. This was Ryuhei's one major flaw; he wasn't very good at healing. However, he often looked over this deficiency, noting that he could teleport nearly anywhere in the world.

He concentrated on the Academy's Hospital Wing, once more flying through the vortex - the nothingness and everything, both at once - and found himself standing in its entryway. He walked in, heading to the medicine cabinet with a purpose, and began to rummage through it, knowing exactly what it was he needed. Ryuhei had a friend - Kaji - who was very good at creating potions. And, he had given a few dozen of them to the Academy, knowing that they would come in handy if students were injured during their training. Ryuhei knew what these potions looked like, and had found a few of them ---

Bane was unconscious, lying on the ground, nearly lifeless, as he was running low on blood. The demon-like beings were attracted to the scent, and would attempt to feast upon him if he didn't defend himself. Obviously, this would be bad for the student, since he currently had no protection, no defense; nothing at all to fend off these vile, villainous fiends. They began to circle around him, weapons raised, and preparing for the kill. Just as they raised their weapons, preparing to strike, it happened.

--- Ryuhei teleported back, just in time. As soon as he had arrived, those cretins from the river were surrounding Bane, all preparing to leap in for the kill.
"Oh, Hell no!" Ryuhei had exclaimed this with meaning, drew out a scimitar, and spun - his speed was tremendous, and these creatures hadn't stood a chance. Their diminutive figures placed their heads right in the path of Ryuhei's sword, allowing him to kill them all swiftly and semi-silently.

After ensuring they were all dead, he looked around him, expecting to find corpses. Instead, there was only water; large puddles that lay exactly where the demons had stood only seconds earlier. Ryuhei decided not to look too far into it; he had known a lot about this forest, especially the awkward creatures it contained. Should it really surprise him that there was a type of beast that would explode into water as soon as it was killed? Alright, so maybe that was a bad question; he took his own point, however. Why the Hell am I letting my mind wander? He was asking himself this question inquisitively, but immediately decided to get back to the task at hand.

He knelt, pulling one of the vials out of his pocket. It shone a bright silver-blue; glistening in the limited sunlight of the large overgrowth canopy above. He pulled out its cork, held Bane's limp head up a bit, and poured it down. No sooner than it entered his throat, Bane's wounds began to heal, the cuts visibly disappearing in front of him. He gave the student a minute before resting his head back on the ground.

1, 2, 3, 4... NOW! he thought to himself, counting down the time that it would be before the apprentice woke up. And, when he had, the first thing Bane would see would be Ryuhei's scowling face looking down at him. The teacher gave him a moment to reorient, and then prepared to speak. Well, speak, in the figurative sense. "Scream" may have been the more politically correct and accurate term to use in this situation.


"Never," he began, "leave my side again! If you do, I will leave you to die! Do you understand me?!" His words, his tone - everything - was harsh. He wanted to pound this lesson into Bane's head before any more incidents like this one occurred. After all, it was one fair warning, and then you got what was coming to you. If there was a repeat of this behavior, Ryuhei couldn't let him die. However, he could bring down punishment on Bane that would make him wish he were dead. And, if that was what it took...

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Aoi
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