This judgement was requested a month ago, and since no one else took it up and did it - and I was bored as shit - I decided to do it to kill time.
The judgement is done with three categorys in mind; Strategy, Mechanics, and Detail. These will be consistent details wherein a player can earn only five points per category for a total of fifteen points per round.
An additional section, titled; "WTF" will be added in cases where a post is exceptionally well done, or exceptionally fucked up. A player can earn an additional five points with this category, or lose five points from their round's total.
And without further delay;
Phoenix6000 post 1; IntroductionNo glaring errors here, either in writing or fighting - though a grade for each post would be simple to give, I'll not bother with it, as there's very little point in doing so.
Noxize post 1: IntroductionThis place was one of it's homes
The it's should be its
the remains of a planet ended by it's own hand.
Same thing as above.
This injustice would not stand.
There's no clear definition of what injustice you're talking about. You paint the fact he can feel thoughts as though it were bad, which could make him being able to do it the injustice. Phoenix's character being on the planet could be the injustice. Or, maybe, you just got beat at the crane machine in the local mall.
Clarify everything in your posts, leave nothing out. It always comes back to bite you in the ass at the end.
together into a humanoid form. Two legs, a torso, two arms then a head, all black without feature.
Having already said "humanoid form" the rest of it is just completely redundant, and doesn't help your writing at all.
The semblance of a human
By this time, you've said he's humanoid two times before, why add the third? It only drags your post down and makes it even more redundant.
I see another it's/its error, which isn't surprising. I'll probably find a lot of them in your posts, if this first post is any indication.
Conclusion: Your post was poorly written, full of mistakes and useless redundancy for the sake of fluff. Be glad I'm not scoring introduction posts.
But hey, as bad as that was, you can only get better throughout the fight, right? Phoenix6000 post 2; It BeginsFor all intensive purposes,
The phrase is intents and purposes.
The stillness that accompanied a dead world, nothing but dust and echoes existed here...
Ellipsis(...) are used as a means to pause to add suspense or mystery to what comes next. You'd have been better suited with a period here.
audibles
Audible(s) is not a word that's interchangeable for ears. The word audible means, and I quote: au·di·ble/ˈôdəbəl/ Adjective: Able to be heard: "ultrasound is audible to dogs". Noun: A change in the offensive play called by the quarterback at the line of scrimmage.
As you're not playing football, and you're clearly referencing your ears this is a glaring error on your part.
additional step away from the formulating mass of ink.
The word you were looking for here, rather than formulating, would be congealed or a synonym thereof. Formulating works with ideas, plans, or strategies. It's a word used to describe the creation of an abstract idea, not the compression of a structure into another structure's semblance.
the inky mass generated an audible noise before projecting what could only be one of its limb towards the traveling bird.
limbs*
Conclusion: Overall, not the best post you've made in this thread.
Mechanics - 4 points
Strategy - 4 points
Detail - 5 points
Total: 13 pointsNoxize post 2: It Begins it's voice changed in tone,
Again with the it's/its error, not to mention not capitlizing the I in it's to begin with. If you end the dialogue with a period, the next word is capitalized. If you end the dialogue with a comma, you don't capitalize.
It would use this time,
I certainly hope it would make good use of the time it has, rather than saying that though, you should have shown it.
gather more force into it's mind;
It's/its error again.
"What business do you have on my world? Have you come to join the rest of the populace, or do you intend to stop me from moving on to the next world?" the being taunts, stepping closer.
Again with the same dialog error as before.
Conclusion: Not a bad post from you, definitely better than your introduction post had lead me to believe.
Mechanics - 2 points
Strategy - 5 points
Detail - 3 points
Total: 10 pointsPhoenix6000 post 3; ContinuationNo errors worth mentioning in this post from you, overall it was a good one; though it was short and sparse on detail.
Mechanics - 5 points
Strategy - 3 points
Detail - 1 point
Total: 9 PointsNoxize post 3: ContinuationA laugh sounds, or rather what a being that has only heard laughter aproximates to it.
Two things wrong with this segment, the first; and least bothersom, is the misspelling of approximate, two Ps in there.
Second, though, is this: If the being has only heard laughter, why would he have to approximate anything to it? He obviously knows what it sounds like, as you clearly say he's only -ever- heard it.
Unless you're indicating that Phoenix's character has only heard laughter, and so what Noxize does is what Edward would approximate it to be; in which case you're not being clear enough for the reader to comprehend the meaning behind your post. In all cases, a misunderstanding in the writing is the fault of the writer. Your points will reflect that fault adequately.
Harsh and unpleasant, the sound would grate on the nerves as it continues far longer than needed.
Whose nerves? Your nerves? Your own laughter gets on your nerves? The only other person around to here it is Edward, and you can't feasibly know what would or wouldn't get on his nerves; so the only answer is that Noxize hates the sound of his own voice...awkward.
Louder, every moment, the sound climbing far past the physical limitations of physical vocal cords.
There's no need to say physical twice here, it's redundant and useless.
The sound would break upon Edward's ears, working it's
Its/It's error.
way down and against the tympatic membrane..Malleus and incus vibrating with the sound, sending signals into the Cochlea..and down into the nerves.
How about the next time you fight, bring the physics book and leave the anatomy book. This is the dullest sentence you've written yet, it's boring; and a wasted chance to impress me with better writing skills.
Weather
Whether*
While nothing happened upon the formation of this link, it was something unavoidable.
You're fighting T1, everything is avoidable.
All brains behaved the same; images, sounds, tastes..these were all recorded in the brain, linking memories with associated thoughts. You taste candy, your brain remembers what candy looks like, smells like..every thought you have ever had about candy is instantly accessed.
No, just no. You can't even begin to know that all brains behave the same. You could make a generalized statement and say all human brains work the same, but even that's an unfounded observation based on assumptions without reference material to back it up.
Edward is clearly not 'human', in the conventional sense. And your character is definitely not human in any sense; so there's little evidence to say both of your brains work the exact same - as your post implies they do.
The laugh rolled on and on..things were comming to a head,
Improper use of ellipsis on both fronts, not being used properly - and you're missing a part of it. Also, coming have has M, not two.
Nox began to picture something in it's own mind
Its/it's error
Conclusion: I'd hoped you'd use this post to impress me, to redeem your earlier failures and make me forget about some of your other mistakes. However, you seemed to do exactly the opposite.
Mechanics - 2 points
Strategy - 4 points
Detail - 2 points
And introducing, WTF! - this segment will add or subtract points depending on the either super impressive actions of a post, or the downright horrible nature of a post.
WTF - 4 points subtracted from the total.
Total: 4 points this post. Would be eight, but you lost 4 for WTF. Phoenix6000 post 4; The FinaleConclusion: The only error I see in this post is your using aueolin streaks, since circles of brightness don't really work in streaks, and a beam isn't a perfect cylinder.
Either way.
Mechanics - 4 points
Strategy - 4 points
Detail - 4 points.
Total: 12 points. Alright, adding up the totals for each player, you come to:
Phoenix6000: 34 points
Noxize: 14 points
I fail to see where you find any evidence of your opponent metagaming, Noxize. There's nothing of the sort in any of his posts; though you may just not fully understand what metagaming is. His character has ample justification and understanding for everything his characters knows or determines.
A clearly hostile being, using an obviously harmful vocal sound - as anything above human range of safe decibles is harmful - will be dealt with properly. Phoenix handled the situation well, and you - for some reason - couldn't handle that a move you were counting on working 100% didn't work.
The fault is yours in this, Noxize, as you simply could not seem to handle the error you made in putting all your eggs in one basket.
By points, Phoenix6000 has won this bout. Given the time since the fight ended, and judgement was requested, no crits or kills will be awarded. You may both make a closing post, to end the fight and withdraw your characters; or simply let this fall into obscurity forever.