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Darkness Falls (review please)

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Darkness Falls (review please)

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Hybrid on Thu Jul 13, 2006 11:36 am

Hello, My name is Jennifer, but you can call me Hybrid. I'm working on writing a book and I would like some feedback on it. I chose the name Darkness Falls because of everything that has happened with what Ive written so far and everything that will happen. I can rewrite any part of it at any time to make it better, I just need suggestions/comments/advice, whatever you guys are willing to give me.
I'll post it chapter by chapter, I'm thinking there might be 20-23 chapters in all. So now that that's out of the way, lets get to the story shall we?

oh and one more thing:
Disclaimer: These are purely fictional characters and fictional events, if you find that it is somehow similar to actual persons and or events, this is purely coincidental and nothing more. Also this is my story so please respect it. Thank you.
Darkness Falls
Chapter 1: Tragedy

The sun was brightly shinning over the land, the crops were happily soaking up the extra sun, as the men tended to them. It had rained for a couple days. It had only been a light rain-but if it would have continued, we would of lost everything. So we weren't going to complain about it being so hot. Still it was a bit unusual for this time of the year.

I was but a twelve summers old, I remember watching my mother and grandmother making breakfast that morning. We were having a feast to celebrate the change of weather and the marriage of the Elder's son Bryan to his first love Evie. They were the perfect pair, and everyone was happy for them. Even I was happy though I didn't exactly care about marriage. Mama was making bread, while grandma was cooking the deer meat, occasionally adding some spices here and there to give the it more flavor.

Most of the morning passed as usual. Any repairs that needed made to our homes were made, the animals were tended to, the crops properly taken care of, and then the feast was worked on, as well as putting up some small decorations. Bryan was letting me help him put up something he had called a 'banner'. I was laughing happily when the news struck. The Elders second and youngest son Ronan, rushed into the village on his horse named Taka. The horse was soaked in sweat and near dead. We had never seen Ronan push Taka so hard before.

We all new something was wrong, Ronan was pale and looked upset. "Warriors! Warriors are headed this way! They have weapons and they bear the flag of RavenCroft! Quickly we must arm ourselves! They are a few hours away!"

There was a gasp of shock and panic from everyone who had heard him speak. Why would armed warriors from RavenCroft be headed here?

It didn't make any sense, for 5000 years we all had lived in peace. Had RavenCroft finally grown weary of the alliance? Is that why they were headed this way?

No one wasted any time asking questions. We knew what we had to do, protect the village and ourselves no matter what the cost. But first we would try and talk. After all, its best to try and make peace before rushing into any kind of battle. History has proven that as wise advice indeed-advice learned after thousands of meaningless deaths.

Apparently the band of RavenCroft warriors were closer than we thought because not much time passed before they came up to the village. We hadn't even had enough time to properly arm ourselves before they were demanding entrance. Our Elder walked over to the warrior who appeared to be the captain and started to ask why they were there armed and why they demanded to be let in, instead of asking in a friendly way.

Instead of answering our Elder, the Captain drew his sword and killed him right there before our very eyes! He watched the Elders blood run down his sword and smiled as he drew his last breath. His wife Angie cried out in grief and started to run toward her body as the cold blooded Captain let his dead body fall to the ground. Before she got to him, she was struck down and killed by an archer.

Cries of fear erupted through the village. Startled babies and children started to cry and their mama's tried to hush them for fear they would become victims next.

There were about thirty warriors in that group. They were all wearing black uniforms with a red bandanna tied around their left arm. All of them were similar in looks. Dark hair ((varying in length)) and the same cold eyes. Some were blue but mostly green.

For what seemed like an eternity the only sound was that of the wind blowing. The RavenCroft Captain was the first to speak....and his words still haunt me to this day..

His voice ran out through the village like a thousand knives cutting flesh. "Stand in a line now you pathetic peasants! This is the order of your new King! King RavenCroft himself! Anyone who defies us, will be killed on the spot!" At first all the villages remained still, then the Captain growled, and everyone frantically ran to get into a line. All along the line, you seen the men gritting their teeth and trying not to say what was clearly on their minds. The women were praying to the Gods as they muttered reassurances to their little ones. My mama and grandma held me close between them. I wasn't crying like the others. I was brave as I had always been. I watched the Captain, I knew hate could be seen in my eyes, because I hadn't learned to hide my feelings yet. And that would prove fatal indeed...

The Captain walked up and down the line, surveying everyone. Not one person moved and everyone tired to remain expressionless in his sharp gaze. One wrong move or one wrong look could mean death. The captain had already proved that he wouldn't hesitate to kill you and he didn't need a reason.

He was headed back down the line again, putting us into five groups: old men,old women,young men,young women, and children (those who weren't quite 13summers and younger were in this group)

Everyone was starting to panic now. We were being separated from our family and friends. The only thing we could do, was pray that the Gods were in favor of us. Though we eventually seen that the Gods either we rent watching or didn't care.

The next round of orders from that murderer who dared call himself a captain, was enough to send the whole village into tears of agony and grief.

"Take the old men and women to the pit and leave them there to die! Take the young men and women to the branding pit! There is a city across the sea that is in dire need of slaves! And as for the young children," he grinned a terrible evil grin "take them to the wagon, tie them so they cant run. I'm sure our beloved King could use more servants."

My mother was going to be a slave and my dear dear grandmother who had never hurt anyone or anything was going to be thrown into some pit to die! I couldn't bear it. The warriors he commanded ran among the children. I seen a few of my friends die from lashing out and trying to get to their parents and grand parents. I knew better than to lash out. I wanted to -oh how I wanted to lash out and struggle. But deep down I knew I couldnt help anyone I loved if I was dead. So when a young warrior who looked about 17 summers old, came over and asked me nicely in a voice too kind and soft for his Captain to hear asked me to please let him tie and bound me I nodded. I could see the relief on his face. I let him do as he needed without a fit. I saw the Captain watching me. For a child, I was very smart. Our Elder had been teaching me things. No one had known but my mama and grandmother. There were about fifty of us children crammed in the back of that wagon. While the others whinned and cried, I thought about what I was going to have to do to survive. I was no longer a little girl named Anita, I was now a warrior. I decided to change my name to AmyLee. It had been my grandmothers name. And now it was my name. From that day on, I made up my mind. I would do whatever I had to to survive. For one day I would kill the Captain and his King! They would pay for their fowl deeds!

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Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Hybrid on Thu Jul 13, 2006 11:54 am

Chapter two: rescued and learning to live

The ride to the King RavenCroft's Land, wa s a trial of death and horror beyond words. Many of the children tried to escape. Each time, a man named J'hon was demanded to cut something off. Weither it was a toe or a finger. I saw so many limbs cut off, and each time I would supress the tears of sorrow, and resist the urge to lose the little bit of food in my tummy.

After two days, that punishment didnt bother me. Soon those who had lost a limb, became ill from infection and fevors. And they began to die. Among tthe first to die, was my first crush, a boy named Alan. Though we were only twelve summers old-he was a few moon cycles older than me. We were in love. He hadn't tried to run away, but he fell ill with a fevor. I wouldnt let the Captain's warriors near him, they claimed they could help but I didnt trust them. Perhaps they were being honest with me-I shall never know.

I remember the night Alan died, I feel as though it was an eternity ago.

We were sitting outside the wagon, I was leaning back against an old tree stump and Alan was in my arms. His fevor was as high as ever. I knew our time together was short, and he knew too. I think that was why he had asked us to go outside for a while. I held him close as we looked up at the starts. We were one day away from were we needed to be.

Alan smiled and looked at me, I smiled back though it was forced, I couldnt believe that at some point that night I was going to lose him.

Alan was the first to speak. We started talking about all the games we used to play. And how when we played hide and go seek I was the only one who could find him.

Then Alan started coughing terribly, his soft brown eyes watering. I knew the time I had dreaded was close. I had seen others die the same way. Alan knew I had changed my name, but he didnt call me by that name. To him I would always be Anita.

"Anita, please listen to me'" he struggled in between the fit to tell me "please, go on dont ever let them beat you. I know your strong enough to.....'' the couging fit was worse and his eyes were dimming slightly "take down this King and his servants. Please promise me that you will fight and keep this from happening to other innocent people!'' His voice was hoarse so I could barely understand the last part. But I swore to him that I would. And then he smiled, it was his usual happy smile and I gave him a real smile back, he hugged me and then he was gone. Just like that, the last person I knew in our struggling group was gone. I cried I couldnt help it.
"Oh Alan! Why did you have to go?! ALAN!!!!" My shoulders shook violently as I held his body close. Tears ran down my cheeks as I cursed every God I knew. I saw someone headed toward me from the warriors tent and I braced myself. The warrior stepped into the light and I seen it was the same one who had caught me willingly at the village.

"Is he........?" he asked in that same voice. All I could do was nod and I started to cry harder. I later learned that that man's name was Spencer. Spencer helped me dig a grave and bury Alan. I took the necklace Alan had given me and placed it in his grave and told him I would honour his wish-even if it was the last thing I did. Then I burst into tears again and Spencer held me. It was strange to be in the arms of the enemy while he murmured everything would be okay in my ear to slowly calm me. He ran his hand up and down my back and soon I stopped crying and fell asleep. I dont know how long he let me sleep in his arms, all I know is that when I awoke the next morning, I was on a cold hard floor with the other children. There was only about twenty of us left. Most too tired to even move. I on the other hand, was pacing the chamber thinking, when J'hon came down and announced we were being taken up so the RavenCroft King could decide what would be done with us-whatever he decided we were told, would be final.

Moments later we stood before the King. He was a tall man, who had huge muscles, you could easily see that this man had worked most of his life. And that made me hate him more than ever. He had red hair and green eyes his tan was slightly darker than that of his men. He also wore the traditional warrior outfit. A black outfit with a red bandanna on the left arm.

King RavenCroft looked to be around thirty summers old, his voice was deep and melidous but as cold as ice.

"Well well....Look at what the dog drug in..." He stood and began to walk down the line of us. Studying our condition and weighing mentally weither we would be of any use to him.
We were split into two groups of ten, one group was for those he would keep, the other was those he wanted killed-we couldnt do a thing for him he said. I was in the group that was to be killed.

The King was about to dismiss us when a warrior stepped forward and bowed a deep bow. "My Lord, I request permisson to take a child out of the children you dont want please." He said. His voice was soft and echoed kindly through the huge but almost empty room. It was Spencer! My heart began to thud in my chest. Was I the child he wanted?

"Why do you want a child soldier?" the King demanded. Spencer seemed to hesitate, then he answered "I am in need of a servant my Lord, I'am so busy with the tasks you give me that sometimes I need an extra pair of hands to see that I have done everything. With a child I could be of even more use to you my Lord."
Then he bowed again.
King RavenCroft scratched his chin as he thought this over. "Very well. You may claim one child as your own. However mark my words that if that child does not act reasonably, it wont be the only one to pay dearly." Spencer bowed again and walked over to our group. He walked among our group pretending to study us before he came to me. He took my wrist and pulled me from the group. "I choose her my Lord!" he said. The King surveyed me and nodded. "Very well. You are all dismissed Now leave my presence."

Spencer pulled my arm the gesture was made to look violent, though I barely felt it at all. He led me down a long corridor then down a series of other corridors, it was like a maze. Then we emurged into a large part of the Kings castle. It was the West Wing, he told me. And it was his part of the castle. He sat down on what he explained was a 'couch', it was a bit hard, from being made of wood. but it was a bit soft to from being stuffed with feathers. He motioned with his hand for me to sit down beside him. As I sat down on the opposite end, I asked "Why did you save me?" he smiled and I thought he had a beautiful smile indeed.

"Because I couldnt see letting him kill you. I saw your mother and Im going to try and save her when I go into town tomorrow. Your beautiful like her. And the reason I gave the King was true. I need some help. For more reasons than one." He surveyed me, then nodded. "First we need to get you cleaned up, follow me." So I did.

Spencer led me down a short hallway and out a door. We emurged into a clearing-right in the woods! There was a hot spring in front of us, and the air was full of steam. "Wow!" I gasped in awe. I had never seen a hot spring before though my Elder had told me stories about them.

He came up behind me and put his arms around me, I was suprised, but I didnt move. He smiled, "I hope we can become very close," he whispered in my ear. I smiled back and replied softly "I hope so to." He sighed soflty and stepped away. "I shall go find some clothes for you to wear. I wont let you run around dressed like that. I know those clothes mean alot to you. So I will get you a wooden chest to put them in until you need to wear them again. In the meantime, remove your clothes and get into the spring-slowly so your body can adjust to the tempurature. Taking the time to relax in there will do you good."

And with that he turned and left. I did as he said. The spring was very hot indeed. but it was so wonderful that I couldnt dredge up a single complaint about it. I slid down into the water until it was up to my shoulders and leaned back against a rock, sighing happily. Truely Spencer was a lucky man indeed. He had a cruel heartless idiot for a Captain and a cold blooded man for a King. But he was very lucky indeed. I lost myself to my thoughts and the amazing spring. Soon spencer returned, carrying some garments and a pair of leather boots that looked like they would come up to my knees. I got out and he handed me the garments. It was a tan dress-it was small, but it might fit. There were strings up the back which meant it had to be tied. I slipped it on and Spencer came behind me and began to tie it. He tied it tight and quickly. Though I was only twelve summers old, the dress showed off what little curves I had, and it made me feel a bit uncomfortable. I put on the boots next and found that even though they went up to my knees they fit perfectly. I turned to face Spencer and asked him how I looked. The dress only came down to mid thigh length, but I wasent going to complain.

He smiled again "You look beautiful," he took out a comb and began to comb through my messy hair. I felt strange letting a guy take care of me. But in a way I didnt see anything wrong with it. He had saved me and I owed him my life. If he wanted to take care of me than by the Gods I'd let him. My hair was waist length and brown, and so were my eyes. I was the only child in our village-before it was destroyed that had had the same color hair and eyes.

He finished combnig through my hair and braided it then held the braid in place with a small piece of leather. "Now lets go meet the King, he demanded to talk to me and said you could be there if you wished. But before we go, there is something I wish to give you." I told him he didnt need to give me anything else, he had given me so much already. But he insisted. He took out a leather band, it had a horse ingraved in it with the letters S and R ingraved in beautiful design. He took my left arm gently and slid the band up my arm until it was halfway between my elbow and shoulder. "There" he said. "No one will have any trouble recognizing you as mine now."

With that done, we headed back inside, through the maze of corridors, into the King's main room.

"Who is that with you Spencer, and where is that wench you claimed?" he demanded when we stood before him.

Spencer bowed and answered "The girl you see before me is the girl I claimed My Lord." The King studied me with his cold green eyes. I felt like my blood had ran cold and I felt suffocated. But I didnt dare move. And I remained expressionless. "Come here child!" he demanded. I stepped forward and bowed-as Spencer had done then stood straight. "It is an honor to be in your presence My Lord." I said. Though it was a lie, I made it sound very very believable.

He gave me a hideous scowl and spoke again "Well at least you have manners, what is your name child?"
I looked him in the eyes and said, "My name is AmyLee, My Lord." He scratched his chin and nodded than waved his hand and I stepped back beside Spencer, who looked very relieved.

King RavenCroft gave the order for Spencer to go into town and see that the slave auction went well and that the money was collected. He also ordered that any slaves who tried to run, were to be killed on the spot. Spencer nodded and said "As you wish My Lord." We both bowed and then walked out of the horrible place.

Spencer gave me a brown horse name Abba to ride and said it was another gift. I hugged him happily and then petted Abba. I learned to ride a horse that day. At first it was a bit scary being up that high. But I tackled that task like I tackled everyother task I had ever been given and halfway to town, I was riding like I had riden for years.

We rode into the town and I was even more amazed by it than I had been about the size of the castle. There had to be thousands of merchants there. They were so crowded together that I was suprised to see they could even move. They used old crates to place their items on. Every merchant was shouting about one item or another, and caiming they had the lowest price in town.

There were horses and animals of every size and color lining the street, and it was crowded with busy people leaving and arriving. It was another hot day to begin with, but with everyone crowded in the street, it seemed even hotter. We slowly made our way through the town, it took at least two hours to get where we needed to be. And there were only three people who hadn't been sold. Bryan,Evve, and Ray were the only ones who hadnt been sold. Ray was one of the best archers from Dolores. Frantically I looked around for my mother, searching through a sea of unfamiliar faces, but I couldnt find her. Then a body laying on the ground beside the platform where Bryan and the others were waiting caught my atteantion. I dismounted, and walked slowly over to the body praying it wasent my mother, but I already knew it was. I knelt down beside the body and turned it toward me. It was my mother! Her throat had been slit. I stifled my tears. I saw she was wearing the necklace my father had got her as a gift when they were married. I took it off carefully and wiped the blood off onto her dress. I said a quick prayer and wished that whereever she was that she wasent in pain and that she was happy and had everything she needed. I walked back and mounted my horse. Spencer announced that it was time to head back. He asked what was wrong, but I didnt speak. I only wipped a few tears away and showed him the necklace. Instantly he understood.

When we arrived at the castle I let the stableman tend to my horse and went into the room Spencer and I had been in before. I sat down on the couch and stared at my mothers necklace and the tears began to roll down my cheeks again. Spencer sat down beside me and pulled me close and whispered how sorry he was. I cried and cried I asked why and tried to push him away. I blamed him for everything that happened. And still he held me close, not once did he tell me I was out of line. Once I calmed down, he explained everything to me. Why RavenCroft had demanded the attack and destruction of our village, why the old were killed, the young sold as slaves and why the children were forced to work as servants.

RavenCroft had had a mysterious cloaked man visiting him over the past year and Spencer claimed that man's words were poison to the King. That RavenCroft had been a kind and gentle ruler up until then.

I believed him, but there was something in that story that was very wrong. We were summoned before the King, and he didnt look pleased to see that I had come along.

"Is she going to follow you everywhere?!" he demanded "Yes My Lord." was Spencer's reply.

Spencer hadn't even bowed to the King as he usually did, so I didnt bother bowing either. I didnt feel a need to. King RavenCroft frowned deeply, he was obviously very displeased with that answer. He was silent for a while as he studied Spencer and I. Then he spoke, "Very well, I will accept that answer-for now. I have a present for you and your wen-I mean for you and AmyLee. You did a fine job in town and I was very pleased." He snapped his fingers and two men stepped forward, each bearing a sword. One was handed to me and one was handed to Spencer. They were the most beautiful things I had ever seen. His had S.P. ingraved in the hilt. And mine had that horse symbol on it. We both unsheathed the swords at the same time and the metal seemed to sing as the light touched them and they were free. The steel was amazingly perfect. The King explained that those swords were specially made for us and that metal was the finest in the world. The craftsman who had made the swords had sadly died that morning, so our swords were very rare indeed.

Someone cleared his throat from on the other side of the room. It was a man wearing a ankle length hooded black cloak. The hood was up so his face was hidden in the shadows.

He stepped forward and bowed deeply, then said "My Lords, my I please ask permission to walk through the garden with the beautiful Lady AmyLee?" King RavenCroft scratched his chin and then nodded "If Spencer approves then yes." Spencer nodded and that strange man took my hand into his and led me toward the garden. We walked for a while in silence. Then he asked "Where are you from my Lady?"
I told him the entire story-leaving out a few details here and there. That seemed to satisfy him. We sat down on the stone bench near the water fountain, I ran my fingers gently through the water, as I asked "Who are you? And why do you wear that cloak?" He sat motionless for what seemed like years and then he took off the cloak and my hand flew up to my mouth to stifle a gasp. He had black hair, the tips were red, his skin was dark tan, the only bit of clothing he was wearing was a tattered pair of black pants with some white cloth tied around his waist to hold his pants up. It was obvious that he was a fighter of some kind. His muscles were clearly defined-every single one of them. The muscles on his arms were nearly two times the size of one of mine. "My name is Kai."

I noticed his eyes were brown like mine, but they were a deeper brown than mine.

"As you can tell by what little clothing I wear My Lady, I had to wear something. So I chose that cloak."

I realized I had been staring and looked away.

I seen Kai smile out of the corner of my eye, but I didnt dare look at him. There was something about him...
"Why did you want to walk with me?" I asked in a voice that hardly seemed like mine. Kai came over and sat beside me. "Your beautiful. I know you belong to Spencer Ravencroft. But do you think he would give you to me?"

Spencer....Spencer's last name was Ravencroft! That meant that he was most likely King RavenCroft's son. I jumped up from my seat and glared at Kai "What makes you think that Spencer would give me to you?!" I demanded.
Kai smiled. "Because at this moment, King RavenCroft is talking him into it." I felt like I had been slapped.

I turned away and ran as fast as my legs would carry me back into the castle. Just in time to hear Spencer ask where I was, I told him our 'friend' was in the garden and that I had wished to come back in before him.`

Thats when Spencer told me that the stranger was leaving town that night and that I was going with him. To learn to fight as well as learn a few other things. When I started to protest, Spencer literally drug me back into his living room again. And this time he looked angry. "I dont want to send you away-please believe me. But I have no other choice. Please understand.."

I turned away from him. Anger seemed to radiate from every part of my being. "The only thing I understand is that your sending me away. I havent even been with you a day and your all ready getting rid of me. Do you dislike me so much that you want to get rid of me?" I half yelled.

I couldnt understand, if he put an effort into saving her from a merciless death, then kept me from the King, why keep me for a couple hours then send her away again?

Spencer ran his fingers through his hair, looking very frustrated. "You don't understand! The King is suspicious! He thinks Im up to no good and even told me so! So I need to send you away for a short time, until everything blows over and it's safe."

I watched him for a moment as I thought about how crazy he sounded. How crazy all of this seemed. Perhaps I was dreaming and this was all a nightmare. And when I awoke, Alan and the others wouldn't be dead and the village would still be preparing to celebrate Bryan and Evve's wedding. But deep down I knew it wasent true, I was well awake and everything was out of control.

Spencer handed me a leather bag, it was quite heavy for its size. He told me inside, was an extra outfit, a hunting knife, a flask of water, and various herbs for wounds. Also that Abba was saddled and ready to go and that it would be rude to keep that guy waiting any longer. I wanted to cry, it wasent fair! I had just started to feel like I belonged and I was being taken away again. This time I was to go with a stranger who looked as though he could break me in half with his little finger. I nodded and hugged Spencer goodbye. Then ran toward the stable without looking back. I knew if I looked back I would't be able to leave. So I swallowed my pride and ran on, never stopping.

I arrived at the stable to find Kai petting Abba as he waited. I didnt like him touching my horse and I made a mental note to tell him so. If we were going to be traveling together there were a few rules we were going to have to get straight first. Otherwise we werent going to get along at all. And we needed to get along for Spencer RavenCroft's sake. And for the sake of my people-the ones who still had the tiniest ability to live and not lash out only to be murdered for their 'disobedience'.

I cleared my throat nerviously and waited until Kai turned around, before saying "We should get going." He merely nodded and mounted his own horse-who's name was Sakura. Sakura was a white horse of the finest breed and the most reliable horse you could find for thousands of miles.

I mounted Abba and we were off, riding into the fading sun set. A part of me wondered why we didnt wait until morning to leave, but Kai had insisted that we leave as soon as we could and only take what was needed. And I new better than to argue with someone who had made up their mind about something.

I looked around as we headed out of the city. I knew that the next time we returned I would be there to take down the King and his men. Once and for all. I would justifty the deaths of the innocent and condem the murderers to hell where they would stay for an eternity. And even longer if I could will it.

We rode for a long time in silence. I was too busy plotting my revenge to bother with polite conversation. I was feeling too angry to really care. I was wondering what all Spencer had to do with his father's plan's and if Kai was really poison to the King. Something didnt seem right with everything that Spencer had said. There was something terrible amiss. But I just didnt know what yet. But I knew I would soon enough.

Finally it was too dark to contiue riding, what little light was left had to be used to make camp. I tended to the horses as Kai found some wood and started a fire. We were miles from town and I felt very small.And alone. Kai made some soup using a pan and some ingredients that he had brought. The next night, he explained, we would have to hunt for our dinner if we wanted to eat.There wasent much that we could really do. Besides stare at the fire, I wasent really tired, but Kai insisted that I rest. That there was an even longer journey tomorrow. One that would consume all my strength. And rather than argue, I decided to take his advice. I curled up close to the fire, but not close enough to get burned and closed my eyes. Within moments I was fast asleep.

Kai sat watching the girl beside him. She seemed so small and fragile when she was asleep. However when she was awake, she seemed to have the strength of someone two times her age. It amused him, but at the same time, it infuriated him. A child like her in the hands of King RavenCroft was not a good thing at all. He had wove his web of lies and got the girl out of danger thus far. But he didnt know how much longer he could protect her- or even if he could.

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Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Hybrid on Thu Jul 13, 2006 11:57 am

[[chapter three is halfway finished]]
Last edited by Hybrid on Fri Jul 14, 2006 7:13 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Remæus on Thu Jul 13, 2006 12:28 pm

Slowww downnnn...

Lol, I'm kidding. I definitely enjoyed reading the first chapter, it hooks my interest very well.

Other than grammatical errors, and perhaps some typos, I would suggest compounding some sentences, or atleast expounding upon some of your near-fragments. There's a lot of cliches there, too. Keep an eye on them, no pun intended.

First person is a VERY difficult perspective to write from, expecially maintainting the correct verb tenses, and subject-verb agreement. You've done a DECENT job so far, maintaining past tense for some time, only slipping up occasionally. It would be beneficial to stay on top of this, and make sure you work hard to make everything consistent.

I'm reading my way through the second chapter now, and will assign karma appropriately. So far my review stays the same.

All in all, good job!
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Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Hybrid on Thu Jul 13, 2006 12:38 pm

^_^ I'll keep everything you've said so far in mind

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Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Hybrid on Fri Jul 14, 2006 1:09 pm

Chapter three: Learning to live over again.....

After a while, Kai grew bored of watching the girl. In all honesty he knew she was safe and they were beside a lake. A good swim would do well for his achy muscles and tired body. He had been using most of his energy for a spell that made him look human. When in fact-he wasent a full human at all. He stood and stretched as he walked over to the lake. After washing his pants out and putting them over a rock to dry, he slowly slide into the water. It was icy cold but Kai was used to that. He had been traveling for since he was eight summers old. And he was now fifteen. He had always been alone. It was in his nature, he had learned that years ago. Kai yawned and let the spell go, it was a relief. He was surronded by a white light for several moments and when it disappeared, black wings were visable. Kai was half angel and half human. Sadly he was cursed at birth for being a halfling and his wings were turned black to show that he was an outcast-unwanted- in his own home.

He stretched his wings and sighed happily. Hiding them with that spell was rather annoying. He couldnt stretch them so they felt stiff. I woke up instantly alert. Something was diffrent, I looked around the camp, Kai was no where to be seen.

Istood up and looked around again, it was too dark to see. "Kai?" I called out in as loud a voice as I dared. There was no response, though she felt someone watching me. I turned around and seen something in the lake. It looked like...I couldnt quite tell at first,so I focused hard on the object to see what it was. It was a person! A man with wings! But thats not possible I thought. Theres no way a person could have wings. Something made me say "Kai?i-is that you?" I heard a soft chuckle. And the person said "Yes, my dear AmyLee, its me, please come closer."

A good portion of the lake was hidden and Kai was in the part that was hidden. And it made me wonder if that really was Kai and if it was really safe to go any closer. But slowly one step at a time, I edged closer. Until I was standing near the waters edge and the man swam over to me. I gasped and went pale. It was Kai! And he had black wings! I know it wasent polite to stare, but I stared in awe. His wings were beautiful. They were as black as the night sky.

He was smiling, clearly amused by my reaction. "What-what are you?!" I stammered as I stepped back. He climbed out of the lake and Im glad it was dark, because I seen him reach for his pants and that only meant one thing. I felt my cheeks redden. He took a step toward me "Come, let's sit down by the fire. I will explain everything" He gently took my arm and led me to the fire. I doubt I could of walked back by myself. I was feeling light-headed. Kai helped me sit with my back against a nearby tree, and handed me the flask of water. I took a small drink and handed it back. The water was still cold and tasted so pure it didnt seem like it was water at all.

Kai sat staring at the fire, the shadows of the flame dancing across his face. Which I realized abrutly was perfect in every way. Every line complemented another. He was truely flawless, something sent from the Gods above. I noticed he had a blue earring in. I hadn't noticed it while we were riding. And now I felt guilty for ignoring him.

Finally Kai spoke. "Ive been on my own since I was eight. I was thrown out of my home by my own mother. Her name was Anna. She cursed me and the day I was born. Thats the second time I was ever cursed. You seen my wings and you can see they are black. Normally only creatures of the devil have black wings. But I am not a creature of the devil. I am part human and part angel. I was the first Hybrid in the land. And my parents were very upset about it. My father was a full blooded angel and my mother was a human. I guess they thought that I would be one or the other-not both. The Elder in our city-as you would call him, cursed me. My wings were turned black to let everyone know that I was a Hybrid. I was a misfit. I wasent welcome. The eight years I spent there was Hell. Everyone did everything they could to make me miserable. I fought with those around me on a daily basis. My mother always told me how much she hated me. It was terrible. And one day I finally had enough. I got into a fight with the Elder's son and I was given one of two options: leave and never come back or take a potion that would make me a full human. It wasent very hard of a decision to make. I decided to leave. Rather than become what they wanted I chose to leave and become what I wanted. A warrior." He looked at me and then continued, "Since then I've been on my own. I don't know what happened to my family or if they are even around anymore." I wanted to tell him I understood how I felt, but on one level, I knew nothing of how he felt and I never would.

"Why did you want to get me away from RavenCroft?" I asked cautiously.

He seemed to hesitate, then he answered "Because it isint safe there. They were using you. RavenCroft's son Spencer knew that you would be a valiable accet to him and his plans to rule over all the land." He paused to let the words sink in before continuing. "They wanted to train you to become a fighter, then they would of asked you to join is army and then he would of given you some obsurd reason to attack innocent villages."

I stared at him, my mouth wide open in shock. Then I shook my head and cleared my thoughts. "Wait a second....why should I believe you?? Spencer said you were poison to the King! And that you were a spy and wanted to take advantage of me!" I was half shouting.It was uncalled for to shout I know, but I was terribly confused and couldn't understand it.
He smiled clearly amused, and I felt even more confused. But I didnt say so.

He nodded and said he understood my confusion. He then told me of the vision he had, and how he had seen me perfectly in it. And then provided several letters as proof. I read over the documents carefully. The Elder had been teaching me to read, but I could only read so much.

When I got to the last letter I nearly cried, I couldn't read a word of it. It was in the language I was taught to read, but I had never seen those letters before.

Kai watched me for a moment and then said softly "Here let me read it to you." He cleared his throat and then read "King RavenCroft, I have a deal you can't refuse. I wish to help you with your dream of ruling all the land. I can help you with your dream, all I ask is that you make me second in command to you. signed a very very dear friend."

I thought about the words in the letter, there was someone who defently needed to be taught a lesson. And with all the proof Kai had provided, I had almost chosen the wrong side. I looked at Kai and apologized dearly for yelling at him, and explained everything that happened-without leaving anything out this time. kai sat there quietly as I spoke, his brow was creased slightly, as he absorbed every detail. Afterwards he nodded and then said "The sun is rising, why dont you go wash of in the lake while I pack everything up." I nodded, and did as he suggested. It felt nice to wash off after everything that had been happening. When I returned to camp, Kai had the horses saddled and ready to go.

We mounted without another word and we set off with the sun rise at our backs. As we rode we ate some bread and cheese, there was no time to stop. We wanted to be in the next city by nightfall and we had a long way to go.

I hummed softly as we rode, it really was a beautiful day. And there was a new atmosphere between Kai and I. He had used a Cloaking spell to hide all his angel like qualities-mainly the wings.

I noticed Kai was watching me as we rode, I looked over at him and he looked away. I noticed a slight flush in his cheeks. I shrugged it off and went back to staring straight ahead. I didnt have to worry about stearing Abba anywhere, he seemed to know right where I wanted to go. We continued to ride down the dirt road, passing every time of tree imaginable. Many of which I wished I could stop and study. Back in the village I had learned about almost every tree there was. Or so I thought. These ones were diffrent than any of the trees I had studied about and I was fascenated by them.

It seemed like forever as we made our way down the path, I was looking in every direction memorizing everything I seen. It was beautiful, it really did seem as though there was no end to the beauty. I hoped it stayed that way.

Little did I know, that peaceful day, Kai and I would be put to the ultimate test. And if we failed we would suffer agony beyond words. I stared at the ground as we rode, I was wondering what was going to happen over the next few days. My training was going to start soon, and I needed to learn everything I could. I was going to bring down the whole RavenCroft family-and make them pay for everything. And then once that was done, I knew what I wanted to do next, I wanted to help Kai. His mamma had no right to treat him the way she did. Hybrid or not, he was still her son, and I inteneded to make her see that-one way or the other.

We rode on until we came to a small village, it reminded me of home and I felt a bit sad only for a few moments as I looked around at all the unfamiliar faces. At first eveyone there was calm as they smiled and waved at me but the moment they seen Kai, they all darted off into the closest buildings and if there wasen't one close they hid behind whatever they could.

This puzzled me and I could tell by the look on Kai's face that this only upset him. He motioned for us to dismount and we did so. He patted Sakura on the rump and he wondered off, then he did the same to my horse. This made me frown, I let him know if anything happened to my horse that I would tear out one of his lungs and he chuckled clearly amused and said that he would like to see me try it.

He lowered the hood on his cloak and walked into a local building, I followed. Once inside we seen that it was dark, there were about twenty candles lit around the room. It was dusty and there had been loud voices and rude conversation. But once everyone looked toward the door and seen Kai, they shut up. Kai just ignored them and walked toward the bar. I followed and had to avoid groping hands and unappropriate words. Kai growled at a few guys near the bar and they scattered. He took a seat and I sat behind him. There was a man behind the bar, wipping the bar down with a damp cloth, he looked to be around twenty-three, but his eyes were closed.

I took note that he was either blind or just resting his eyes. The man remaind silent even as Kai stared at him. Finally after several moments the man stopped and turned his head toward us. "Hello Kai, how are you my son?" I looked at Kai and then the man. "Im fine Ancheson, you?" The man nodded and continued to keep his eyes closed.

I looked over at my friend and Kai frowned. "Ancheson is Blind Anita." I nodded, and thought how hard it must be to work in a place like that bar and not be able to see a thing.

I took a moment to study Ancheson, he was wearing several thin grey robes, each a shade darker than the last, his hair was straight ans nearly touched the floor, everything about him seemed perfect. Except the fact that he was blind.

After that everything went fairly silent, the conversation slowly picked back up. And those who were too drunk to talk just passed out where ever they were at. When Kai and I were ready to leave the bar, we had to step over people as well as move them out of the way. It was strange, I had never seen people so drunk before and I didnt like it at all.

I followed Kai across the small dirt road over to an inn, where he got us a room. I wasent too fond of us sharinga room, but we had little money and we had.

Once we went up to the room, Kai told me to rest, and then walked out of the room. I'm not sure where he went, all I know is I rested and by the time I had slept a few hours and got something to eat, he was just coming back. And Kai looked really tired.

I made several attempts to find out where he had went but he absolutly refused to tell me and finally I gave up. Kai informed me that we were staying in the village about a week, and that I was to relax and rest before my sword training began and I nodded.

Over the next week I talked to the locals, and learned various things about horses, and little things like cooking and sharpening daggers that were given to me as a gift.

Kai on the other hand was hardly ever around. Everytime I seen him he was either just coming back long enough to eat and sleep an hour, or he was leaving. And not once did he tell me what he was up to. It bothered me and at the same time it made me worry.

[Okay there is chapter three its kind of a cliff hanger I know, but I'll get chapter 4 up soon, ]

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Re: Darkness Falls (review please)

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Hybrid on Tue Sep 04, 2007 2:15 am

Sorry I was gone so long everyone. I'm working on the next chapter now and I shall have it up as soon as possible. Thanks

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Re: Darkness Falls (review please)

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Circ on Sat Oct 20, 2007 10:54 am

Finally found time to sit down and read through all these. ;]

Master already pointed out the syntactic qualities, so I'll frame my response towards the story flow and style.

Your writing is very candid and naive, so it comes across as appropriate that you would write in the first person, thus representing the personality of the main character for which you write. However, that means you need to change your style for other characters you are representing. Currently they all share a similar personality, and this indicates a lack of diversity, which is not good as it diminishes the believability of the story. Believability is important, because it gets the buy-in of the reader and maintains their interest. Other points that take away from believability of the story are the concepts you introduce, such as a 5000-year-long peace between an agrarian village and a monarchy, as though there is never any cultural evolution; polytheism mixed with angels, demons, the devil, and an overall blending of religions; and someone who is a prisoner of war being permitted to openly behave as your main character does.

There seems to be very little explanation for what is happening, but as you write from the perspective of your main character, that's fine--things will be revealed as your main character gains knowledge of them. In the meantime, the reader will be captivated by the mystery and want to know more so they can figure out what is happening behind the scenes.

Overall? I like the story. It seems to have an objective, rather than being an incoherent stream of ideas. That automatically makes it good writing in my book. :)

Can't wait for the 4th chapter!
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Re: Darkness Falls (review please)

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Hybrid on Thu Sep 04, 2008 6:33 am

Sorry its taking so long everyone ^^; I ran into some trouble irl, and its been awhile since I last wrote. So I'm starting again. Once again sorry for the delay >.<

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