Fantasy Novel: Feedback Please

Um, Eric, is there a way to turn smileys off for just one post? Or should I find a different way to designate a telepathic conversation?

Using a different method would be your best bet.

Okay, so, I'm bored, and technically it's the first. So, I'm going to post the next bit. Maybe even write some more, I dunno. So here it is:

            After three days, Gneau came back in, carrying her skates and looking worn-out.

            "Didn't they give you a break?" Redoc asked.

            "I got a five minute break three times a day to eat. Goodnight."


            She went into the bedroom, and collapsed on the bed. Redoc went in to check on her, and came out shaking his head.

            "She's out for at least a day."

            "So what do we do now?"

            "What we have been doing for the past three days. I get you to the point where you understand gnome."

            They practiced gnomish the rest of that day as well, and by the end of it, Kilmar was understanding most of what Redocamar said. Redoc would be acting as a translator, they would hide his status as a mage to keep the Mayor from getting suspicious about his real relationship to Kilmar. They had discussed using different languages, but agreed that it would be easier if Kilmar learned gnomish.

When Gneau woke up the next day, Redoc had made a huge breakfast for her. She ate a full plate of eggs, a stack of six pancakes, and a bowl of fruit, plus she drake five glasses of juice. Kilmar stared in awe as she tore a huge hunk of bread off of a loaf to mop up all the syrup left on the plate, which might as well have been a bowl for all the syrup in the bottom.

            As she finished her the syrup and prepared to eat another stack of pancakes, Kilmar whispered to Redoc in common speech, "How can she eat so much?"

            "Speak only in gnomish," Redoc said in gnomish.

            Kilmar obediently switched for a complaint. "But gnomish is too loud for a private conversation."

            "There's no such thing as a private conversation between two people," Gneau said. "Anything said to another person is capable of being overheard, or worse, the other person may spill. If it's not for the world to know, it shouldn't be shared with even one other person." She promptly went back to eating.

            "And there," Redoc said, "Is a basic tenant of gnomish society. She won't be offended, remember, gnomes are infinitely curious. In answer to your question, she used a lot of energy, so she needs to replace it. But normally, she wouldn't be eating much less anyway, gnomes have a large appetite."

            Gneau added between bites, "We eat a very large breakfast, use it all up throughout the day, and then have another large meal about halfway through the afternoon to get through the rest of the day, and a snack before bed so we don't wake up hungry."

            "Huh."

            Once everything was cleaned up, they went to see the mayor. Gneau walked, instead of zipping ahead on her skates. Not having to pay much attention to straight ahead, Kilmar looked up. To his surprise, he saw a network of wooden walkways, creating part of the clamor he had thought was coming solely from the houses. Ladders on the side of every house let the gnomes onto the roofs, and they scurried up and down ropes to get from the roofs to the walkways, which swayed and bent to the rhythm of traffic. Many gnomes had their workstations on the roofs, in case of an explosion, the light of which could be seen to flash from the occasional rooftop or window. But as big as it was, the cavern they were in did not take up the whole mountain, and the walkways were so close to the ceiling that Redoc would've had to stoop if they had taken the high road.

            They followed the main road to a set of stairs, which went up a bit, then turned ninety degrees and went up a very long time, then turned into a tunnel which opened into another cavern. This cavern also had two levels of the main road, but the entrances to the houses were right in the walls of the cavern. Entrances were both on the ground level and on the main level, and Kilmar realized with a start that the houses had been built to go all the way up to the ceiling. There were streets that were all perfectly perpendicular to the main street, and about halfway down was another street that was as large as the main street itself. They turned right on this street, and saw another street running parallel to the main street. They passed this one and went all the way to the end, where they were confronted by two statues guarding a large staircase. On the left was a lion, and on the right was an angel. At the top of the stairs was a pair of huge doors, intricately carved with gnomish and dwarven symbols of justice and peace.

            "Did dwarves make those?" Kilmar asked Redoc.

            "Yes, they did. Gnomes and dwarves have been allies for a long time."

            Gneau couldn't just leave it at that. "We gave the dwarves the technology to make fires big enough for a forge, we run the generators for the power, and we have invented many things for them. In return, they take care of construction and defense for us. When we get inside, treat him the way you would the High King, he is very vain of his power." The disgust in her voice told them that the rest of the gnomes did not approve of the way the mayor was reacting to power.

Gneau led them up the stairs and banged on the mayor's door. They were allowed in, Redoc and Kilmar were instructed to wait in a small room right at the door, while Gneau went on to the mayor's office. There he sat on something much like a throne. Walking in about half-way, Gneau went down on one knee, the sign of petition.

            "Why have you come here?"

            "I have visitors, Lord, and they have requested to visit you. One of them knows about visitor's rights, and knows the way of our people."

            "Very well, I will see them."

            He pulled a bell, and Redoc and Kilmar were ushered in. Redoc took the position of spokesman. Kilmar had to try really hard to keep from laughing out loud. In his short time in power, the mayor had grown from an overweight man into an immense man, so large that he never moved from the chair during the day. It was actually rumored that the only reason he was still in office and hadn't been overthrown was because he was too fat to fit through the door.

            "My Lord, I will speak plainly. My friend and his friends are in a position to start freeing mages from the bonds of slavery, but you hold something that would help immensely. If you would allow us to take this thing, we are prepared to get your daughter back within eight months."

            "What is the thing you ask for?"

            "The fakon malshir that the unicorn gave the gnomes to keep until humans had magic again."

            "One month."

            "Impossible, someone else has control over your daughter, and freedom for all mages will take at least five decades with the help. Seven months, and that'll be a miracle."

            "Two months, if he's in a position to get all the slaves free then, surely he's in a position to free one lone slave soon."

            "Six months. We'll have to win the good graces of this person, and then travel back here."

            "Three months. He can use his power to gain the good graces of this person."

            "Five months. He'll still need time to get your daughter after winning the good graces of this person."

            "Three and a half."

            "If we can take the fakon malshir now."

            "Done."

            "Thank you, we will send a message when your daughter is safe in our custody."

            "Fawn will be unharmed?"

            "I can promise you she will come to no harm from us or during the time she is in our care. You must understand that until he is officially her owner, there is little he can do for her."

            Kilmar was dizzy with everything, and hadn't understood more than half, but he decided not to say anything for now. Instead, he bowed with Gneau and Redoc, then followed them through the streets and back to the apartment. He never even had to ask, for Redoc knew he wouldn't have caught everything.

            "I managed to get you three and a half months to get back here with Fawn. If we don't, we'll have made an enemy of him, and he has enough influence that we would probably have an enemy of the entire gnome race, and consequently the dwarves, within a month after that."

            "I have heard a rumor that for my birthday my father plans on giving me a choice of all the females to 'do with as I will'. I will start hinting now that I'd like her, and that I'd like her completely unsullied, which will give her protection until I get her. The problem is, she'll probably be scared out of her mind when I do pick her…"

            Gneau cut in, "You do what you have to. I'll write a note for her, and you give it to her only after you've picked her and taken her to your room. Just what are you going to have to do anyway?"

            Kilmar's face showed plain disgust with the part he'd have to play as he explained that he'd have to make it clear to his father that he intended to rape her daily until she was used up, probably with beatings as well… then he'd go on a trip, take her with him, and proclaim loud and long how she ran away while he was gone when he got back. He'd get no sympathy from his father, who'd say he needed to be more careful not to lose his possessions.

            Redoc cut in. "Currently, he steals one slave a week to 'rape' whenever he's home, from a small group who know the parts they must play. He's never touched one of them, and instead orders a large dinner for himself for 'after', and gives it to them because it makes him lose his appetite."

            "Which part does his future wife know?"

            "She knows the reality, but that's because she's in on the whole scheme. My sister's master is also in the plans, as well as his fiancé. The four have known each other a long time, and a few others in their circle of friends are also in on it."

            Kilmar laughed. "Not just a few. We have the heirs to all the lesser thrones, plus half the heirs to the noble houses on our side as well. Our entire generation is disgusted with how we treat the mages, though not all are for complete freedom, and instead just wish to put limits on what can be done to a mage. Some of my friend's fathers are in on it, and it is at those houses we have our real meetings, the others are just socialization like all of them are supposed to be. That's how we know this can work, we have a huge support."

            Redoc looked at Kilmar, "I'd say we can't really say our quest is complete until the mayor's daughter is back in her father's house, would you?"

            "Nay, it isn't."

            Gneau had been musing. "You two should leave the night you get the fakon-malshir. I think he gave in a little too easily, he might not be planning to let you take it at all."

            "Is that tunnel still in place on your end, Gneau?" Redoc asked.

            "The one that goes into the Fali Family residence? Yes it is."

            "The Fali Family? You're allies with the Fali Family?" Kilmar was surprised, he didn't think any human families would be friends with gnomes.


            "No, with a family of servants who live there. Our two families have been friends for generations, just our families, mind. Anywho, that's how I was freed. The Fali Family bought me for the servant family, who are their most loyal servants and had been granted the right to choose a slave much earlier, and the servant family smuggled me out through the tunnel."

            Kilmar was excited by this news. "Awesome! The Fali Family are right in the middle of the whole plot! Coming back to visit them will get me where I want to go, and their residence is where we planned on hiding the fakon-malshir until Ivan gets the high throne."

Gneau, "When will that be?"

            "Not until his father either retires or dies. He probably won't retire for another ten years or so, because when he goes, all the heads of the houses must also hand over their power. Then our plan can be put into effect. One of the first parts is exiling the ex-heads so they don't try to renege on their promise. It will be a very comfortable exile, so they'll be very happy not to worry about anything at all."

            "Won't they try to take some slaves with them?"

            "This is actually a well-established practice. All they'll take is what we, their successors pack for them. In five or six years, we'll have a meeting with the servants to determine who wishes to go to the retreat, which is always in the Eli Family's kingdom."

            Gneau then grinned impishly. "I'd better warn you to keep Fawn away from Redoc." Redoc started blushing.

            "Why?"

            "You might not be able to keep the 'unsullied' part of your promise to the mayor. Fawn had a huge crush on him during school, and now that he's no longer her teacher…"

            Redoc blushed even more. "That's not fair! You know I'd never touch her!" Kilmar laughed out loud, and suggested they go to bed before a fight broke out.

            The next day, they were given the fakon-malshir, and a note from the mayor to his daughter. They reminded the mayor that this was a personal favor, not something from the whole human race, and then told him that he needed to keep the return of Fawn as seeming like she escaped, not like she was brought back on purpose. He was a bit confused on why it should be kept secret, but agreed to do it anyway. That night, Kilmar tucked the mayor's note in his bag, figuring to give it to Fawn after she read Gneau's to calm her down. Redoc and Kilmar had the customary last-night dinner with the landlord, and no one really noticed that they never left the land-lord's apartment with Gneau.




* * *

This might take me awhile. I'll read everything but only offer suggestions on parts that haven't been commented on.

Just know that I'm reading. o.o;

thanks. I haven't gotten comments on much of anything except maybe the first post and where I asked a specific question. Feel free to take your time; due to my summer job and being unable to write, I'm pulling down to once a month on my posts. If you read one a weekend, you'll catch up soon enough.

Alright, I'll comment after I finish every post, though its kind of hard to say where it ends since I copied it all into word. >_> whoops...gotta go and mark it now.

lol, just comment after each bit that you read. I don't go by posts anyway... have no clue how many I've posted or where each cuts off. I keep it all in two documents. One is the full thing. The other is what I copy and paste into the posts, deleting as it's posted.

After three days, Gneau came back in, carrying her skates and looking worn-out.

“Didn’t they give you a break?” Redoc asked.

“I got a five minute break three times a day to eat. Goodnight.”

She went into the bedroom, and collapsed on the bed. Redoc went in to check on her, and came out shaking his head.

“She’s out for at least a day.”

“So what do we do now?”

“What we have been doing for the past three days. I get you to the point where you understand gnome.”

They practiced gnomish the rest of that day as well, and by the end of it, Kilmar was understanding most of what Redocamar said. Redoc would be acting as a translator, they would hide his status as a mage to keep the Mayor from getting suspicious about his real relationship to Kilmar. They had discussed using different languages, but agreed that it would be easier if Kilmar learned gnomish.

When Gneau woke up the next day, Redoc had made a huge breakfast for her. She ate a full plate of eggs, a stack of six pancakes, and a bowl of fruit, plus she drake five glasses of juice. Kilmar stared in awe as she tore a huge hunk of bread off of a loaf to mop up all the syrup left on the plate, which might as well have been a bowl for all the syrup in the bottom.

As she finished her the syrup and prepared to eat another stack of pancakes, Kilmar whispered to Redoc in common speech, “How can she eat so much?”

“Speak only in gnomish,” Redoc said in gnomish.

Kilmar obediently switched for a complaint. “But gnomish is too loud for a private conversation.”

“There’s no such thing as a private conversation between two people,” Gneau said. “Anything said to another person is capable of being overheard, or worse, the other person may spill. If it’s not for the world to know, it shouldn’t be shared with even one other person.” She promptly went back to eating.

“And there,” Redoc said, “Is a basic tenant of gnomish society. She won’t be offended, remember, gnomes are infinitely curious. In answer to your question, she used a lot of energy, so she needs to replace it. But normally, she wouldn’t be eating much less anyway, gnomes have a large appetite.”

Gneau added between bites, “We eat a very large breakfast, use it all up throughout the day, and then have another large meal about halfway through the afternoon to get through the rest of the day, and a snack before bed so we don’t wake up hungry.”

“Huh.”

Once everything was cleaned up, they went to see the mayor. Gneau walked, instead of zipping ahead on her skates. Not having to pay much attention to straight ahead, Kilmar looked up. To his surprise, he saw a network of wooden walkways, creating part of the clamor he had thought was coming solely from the houses. Ladders on the side of every house let the gnomes onto the roofs, and they scurried up and down ropes to get from the roofs to the walkways, which swayed and bent to the rhythm of traffic. Many gnomes had their workstations on the roofs, in case of an explosion, the light of which could be seen to flash from the occasional rooftop or window. But as big as it was, the cavern they were in did not take up the whole mountain, and the walkways were so close to the ceiling that Redoc would’ve had to stoop if they had taken the high road.

They followed the main road to a set of stairs, which went up a bit, then turned ninety degrees and went up a very long time, then turned into a tunnel which opened into another cavern. This cavern also had two levels of the main road, but the entrances to the houses were right in the walls of the cavern. Entrances were both on the ground level and on the main level, and Kilmar realized with a start that the houses had been built to go all the way up to the ceiling. There were streets that were all perfectly perpendicular to the main street, and about halfway down was another street that was as large as the main street itself. They turned right on this street, and saw another street running parallel to the main street. They passed this one and went all the way to the end, where they were confronted by two statues guarding a large staircase. On the left was a lion, and on the right was an angel. At the top of the stairs was a pair of huge doors, intricately carved with gnomish and dwarven symbols of justice and peace.

“Did dwarves make those?” Kilmar asked Redoc.

“Yes, they did. Gnomes and dwarves have been allies for a long time.”

Gneau couldn’t just leave it at that. “We gave the dwarves the technology to make fires big enough for a forge, we run the generators for the power, and we have invented many things for them. In return, they take care of construction and defense for us. When we get inside, treat him the way you would the High King, he is very vain of his power.” The disgust in her voice told them that the rest of the gnomes did not approve of the way the mayor was reacting to power.

Gneau led them up the stairs and banged on the mayor’s door. They were allowed in, Redoc and Kilmar were instructed to wait in a small room right at the door, while Gneau went on to the mayor’s office. There he sat on something much like a throne. Walking in about half-way, Gneau went down on one knee, the sign of petition.

“Why have you come here?”

“I have visitors, Lord, and they have requested to visit you. One of them knows about visitor’s rights, and knows the way of our people.”

“Very well, I will see them.”

He pulled a bell, and Redoc and Kilmar were ushered in. Redoc took the position of spokesman. Kilmar had to try really hard to keep from laughing out loud. In his short time in power, the mayor had grown from an overweight man into an immense man, so large that he never moved from the chair during the day. It was actually rumored that the only reason he was still in office and hadn’t been overthrown was because he was too fat to fit through the door.

“My Lord, I will speak plainly. My friend and his friends are in a position to start freeing mages from the bonds of slavery, but you hold something that would help immensely. If you would allow us to take this thing, we are prepared to get your daughter back within eight months.”

“What is the thing you ask for?”

“The fakon malshir that the unicorn gave the gnomes to keep until humans had magic again.”

“One month.”

“Impossible, someone else has control over your daughter, and freedom for all mages will take at least five decades with the help. Seven months, and that’ll be a miracle.”

“Two months, if he’s in a position to get all the slaves free then, surely he’s in a position to free one lone slave soon.”

“Six months. We’ll have to win the good graces of this person, and then travel back here.”

“Three months. He can use his power to gain the good graces of this person.”

“Five months. He’ll still need time to get your daughter after winning the good graces of this person.”

“Three and a half.”

“If we can take the fakon malshir now.”

“Done.”

“Thank you, we will send a message when your daughter is safe in our custody.”

“Fawn will be unharmed?”

“I can promise you she will come to no harm from us or during the time she is in our care. You must understand that until he is officially her owner, there is little he can do for her.”

Kilmar was dizzy with everything, and hadn’t understood more than half, but he decided not to say anything for now. Instead, he bowed with Gneau and Redoc, then followed them through the streets and back to the apartment. He never even had to ask, for Redoc knew he wouldn’t have caught everything.

“I managed to get you three and a half months to get back here with Fawn. If we don’t, we’ll have made an enemy of him, and he has enough influence that we would probably have an enemy of the entire gnome race, and consequently the dwarves, within a month after that.”

“I have heard a rumor that for my birthday my father plans on giving me a choice of all the females to ‘do with as I will’. I will start hinting now that I’d like her, and that I’d like her completely unsullied, which will give her protection until I get her. The problem is, she’ll probably be scared out of her mind when I do pick her…”

Gneau cut in, “You do what you have to. I’ll write a note for her, and you give it to her only after you’ve picked her and taken her to your room. Just what are you going to have to do anyway?”

Kilmar’s face showed plain disgust with the part he’d have to play as he explained that he’d have to make it clear to his father that he intended to rape her daily until she was used up, probably with beatings as well… then he’d go on a trip, take her with him, and proclaim loud and long how she ran away while he was gone when he got back. He’d get no sympathy from his father, who’d say he needed to be more careful not to lose his possessions.

Redoc cut in. “Currently, he steals one slave a week to ‘rape’ whenever he’s home, from a small group who know the parts they must play. He’s never touched one of them, and instead orders a large dinner for himself for ‘after’, and gives it to them because it makes him lose his appetite.”

“Which part does his future wife know?”

“She knows the reality, but that’s because she’s in on the whole scheme. My sister’s master is also in the plans, as well as his fiancé. The four have known each other a long time, and a few others in their circle of friends are also in on it.”

Kilmar laughed. “Not just a few. We have the heirs to all the lesser thrones, plus half the heirs to the noble houses on our side as well. Our entire generation is disgusted with how we treat the mages, though not all are for complete freedom, and instead just wish to put limits on what can be done to a mage. Some of my friend’s fathers are in on it, and it is at those houses we have our real meetings, the others are just socialization like all of them are supposed to be. That’s how we know this can work, we have a huge support.”

Redoc looked at Kilmar, “I’d say we can’t really say our quest is complete until the mayor’s daughter is back in her father’s house, would you?”

“Nay, it isn’t.”

Gneau had been musing. “You two should leave the night you get the fakon-malshir. I think he gave in a little too easily, he might not be planning to let you take it at all.”

“Is that tunnel still in place on your end, Gneau?” Redoc asked.

“The one that goes into the Fali Family residence? Yes it is.”

“The Fali Family? You’re allies with the Fali Family?” Kilmar was surprised, he didn't think any human families would be friends with gnomes.

“No, with a family of servants who live there. Our two families have been friends for generations, just our families, mind. Anywho, that’s how I was freed. The Fali Family bought me for the servant family, who are their most loyal servants and had been granted the right to choose a slave much earlier, and the servant family smuggled me out through the tunnel.”

Kilmar was excited by this news. “Awesome! The Fali Family are right in the middle of the whole plot! Coming back to visit them will get me where I want to go, and their residence is where we planned on hiding the fakon-malshir until Ivan gets the high throne.”

Gneau, “When will that be?”

“Not until his father either retires or dies. He probably won’t retire for another ten years or so, because when he goes, all the heads of the houses must also hand over their power. Then our plan can be put into effect. One of the first parts is exiling the ex-heads so they don’t try to renege on their promise. It will be a very comfortable exile, so they’ll be very happy not to worry about anything at all.”

“Won’t they try to take some slaves with them?”

“This is actually a well-established practice. All they’ll take is what we, their successors pack for them. In five or six years, we’ll have a meeting with the servants to determine who wishes to go to the retreat, which is always in the Eli Family’s kingdom.”

Gneau then grinned impishly. “I’d better warn you to keep Fawn away from Redoc.” Redoc started blushing.

“Why?”

“You might not be able to keep the ‘unsullied’ part of your promise to the mayor. Fawn had a huge crush on him during school, and now that he’s no longer her teacher…”

Redoc blushed even more. “That’s not fair! You know I’d never touch her!” Kilmar laughed out loud, and suggested they go to bed before a fight broke out.

The next day, they were given the fakon-malshir, and a note from the mayor to his daughter. They reminded the mayor that this was a personal favor, not something from the whole human race, and then told him that he needed to keep the return of Fawn as seeming like she escaped, not like she was brought back on purpose. He was a bit confused on why it should be kept secret, but agreed to do it anyway. That night, Kilmar tucked the mayor’s note in his bag, figuring to give it to Fawn after she read Gneau’s to calm her down. Redoc and Kilmar had the customary last-night dinner with the landlord, and no one really noticed that they never left the land-lord’s apartment with Gneau.

* * *

Ok, this is for the first post. ^_^

A tall elve was making his way

Should it be “efl?” Or this another term, I’m not familiar with?

This first paragraph has a few comma splices. Let me point them out.

He had very dark brown hair and eyes, but a pale complexion, and by the shape of his eyes and ears anyone who saw him would know he was a quarter human.

The comma after complexion is not needed, I believe.

He wore a long black cloak over his mage robes, hiding his status as a mind-ice mage, and he moved as someone used to traveling, no movement wasting any energy.

The first and second comma could be taken out and the last one replaced with a semi-colon.

He was very alert, with no smile anywhere on his face, causing people to wish to avoid him. He was a stranger to the people, yet he seemed to know his way around, which frightened them.

Remember some of the purposes of punctuations and why we install them in our writing; like letting the reader breathe and connecting sentences. So you might need to go through the rest of the chapters and correct some of those or use less of them.

Then, Shamina came back into the kitchen/dining room, and set one of the three extra places at the table.

Hmm…I’m not sure if slashes are to be used in that way in fiction.

it, Junilmar could tell it was at least as old as the family's holding in the town, and that it was sustained by a discreet magic.

Word died on me, but I don’t think “discreet” is a word.

All four elves helped clean and put away the dishes before going in to the living room. The living room had a fireplace on the other side from the entrance, and couches all along two walls with a few small tables scattered between. On the last wall was a big chair with a comfortable rug, obviously to be used for stories, on one side and a ladder to the upstairs on the other. They sat in the couches, and Dorimpal looked to Shamina for the answer to his previous question.

With the mention of the couches, I had to wonder what the setting is. It seemed consistent to what I already had in mind; kind of like a LOTR setting, time and place, everything. Everything has been fine so far, just not sure if they are referred to that type of furniture as a “couch,” but I could be wrong, considering I’m not good with the language of the past, since I’m not really from this country. V_V Anyway, it might be a good thing to research since some people are really anal about things being out of place in stories.

that all mages must go to the mage-school from their equivalent age of seven to eighteen human years. Recently, it was added that mages cannot be trusted on their own, so they will be auctioned off as slaves for friends of the king when they are through with mage school.

Names have to be captalized and I believe “Mage School” is what the school is called. Correct me if i'm wrong.

“Why do you say my ancestor; was he not your ancestor too?” Lina asked.

I understand the use of semi-colon but it really should be a question mark as well. ^_^

Anyway I like it so far. I definitely agree with you that Lina should be more inquisitive and I like the way you use her to get the readers into the story. You basically set the stage for everything, through a very innocent-like conversation. Done quite well. kudos. Will be working on the rest.

Um, Meia, discreet is most definitely a word. It means "being not obvious" (well, that's a paraphrase...). If you don't believe me, check out dictionary.com. (I'd link it, but it's not working right now...)

The mage school doesn't have a name. It's the only mage school as such, so they just call it mage school, but that isn't really it's name... in truth, I think I missed a "the". Thanks.

You are right in that the setting is supposed to have a LOTR feel. I'm still working on descriptions, but I definitely view couches, and I'm not aware of another word for that type of furniture. But, I will review "The Hobbit", since if couches appear anywhere in that set, it's in that book.

As far as commas go, there are actually three reasons I put them in. I have a habit of taking what most people would write as two or three sentances and writing it as one, with commas included. When I put a comma, it's eitehr because it's two sentances or I actually do pause in my mind in the explanation. The last reason is tone of voice. When the pauses come determines what the tone of the narrator takes. However, I will definitely review the commas when I go back and reread it in two years or so. (that's how long I think it'll take me to write the first draft)

I am not an english major. I have only had one college english class, and we did absolutely nothing surrounding grammar and spelling. What I do, is I read a lot. When I write, I copy what I've read other writers doing as far as grammar and spelling goes.

Ok then its "discrete" I just wanted to make sure that "discreet" wasn't another word, I wasn't aware of. I thought you meant "discrete" but since Word was F-ing up, I didn't know. V_V

I understand with grammar spellng but I've always been a good english student and I learnt most of that in my honor classes in H.S.. In my college courses, they usually focus more on style and facts and all that good stuff, than grammar and spelling, since they think its something that we should have learnt. V_V But I have a few problems with that myself, maybe thats why I pick them up so swiftly, since I make most of those mistakes. Ha ha.

As for comma's, how you use them, is your own. Each writer has some kind of trademark, we just have to becareful to not over use something to the point of annoyance though. ^_^

Yeah, actually, Eric thought maybe "discrete", but that's a math term. Discrete is like distinct, discreet is like "on the down-low".

Oh the wonders of similar words =P

Maybe. Word still sucks. >_>

2nd post.

Hmm…the first part after the bidding became kind of confusing. I guess because of how you refer to the characters (like “the women” etc). It was very hard for me to put the before and after chasing scene in my mind. I don’t know, maybe you would like to look over that again and see how you can better describe everything.

He didn't pause, he just slowed his horse to a walk and approached the mass of waiting people.

Semi-colon is the appropriate punctuation there.

It didn't take long, the healer had been at the door of the inn when the runner found him.

Same thing for that sentence.

The healer, dressed in the green robes with blue healing symbols all healers in the human lands wear, looked her over, and then said,

“wore” instead of “wear.”

3rd Post.

Nothing much in terms of grammar or anything like that to correct. It was a pretty short piece and it moved along, slow enough and with good enough descriptions to follow.

Actually, the idea is that the mages still wear them now, not just that they wore them back then...

Yeah, I really messed up on the chase scene. It went by so fast in my head that I barely had time to write it down.