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by miyumi on Thu Mar 16, 2006 9:31 am
Comments in bold this time, I use Italics in the story. Sections that actually start out with three stars in the middle, I will put the three stars, because some suggestions in the past have been about where to add stars. Also, if the section has an extra enter in the word document (I'm usnig tabs for paragraph breaks as is proper, not full lines) I will write "(extra space)" so that you know. I started it a bit late, so this section seems early, but it really isn't. So, here's the next part.
* * *
"1850, do I hear 1850? Come on let's hear 1850-"
"1850!"
"1900, do I hear 1900 for the beautiful lady?"
"1900!"
"1950, can I hear 1950, how about 1950 she's healer and fighter 19-"
"1950!"
"2000! Do I hear 2000, can I get 2000 for her at 1950 going for 2000 going once, going twice-"
"2000!"
"2050, for the elven healer, 2050"
"2050!"
"2100? Anyone for 2100? The most powerful mage in three thousand years, going for 2050, can I hear 2100? Going once, going twice, sold to number 256."
She was very beautiful in her deep blue mage robes with yellow trim. Her eyes at the time were gray, but you tell that they were not always that color. Her hair was gold, not blonde, not yellow, not brown, but pure gold. Her face was expressionless, and anyone who knew her knew that meant she was either scared or mad, usually mad. She was very mad, because she had a spell on her that wouldn't wear off for an hour, a spell that prevented her from using her magic.
The man who won the poor elve looked very shifty, with slanted eyes and very pale skin, and he was dressed all in black, despite the sun. He made his way to the back, and collected her. Then, he ran without paying, and threw her on a nutmeg horse, jumping up behind her. She thanked God that he had not bothered to get the protection, so she could use her magic against him once that first darn spell wore off. They galloped to a group of horses with other females, some of them might be mages, all of them drugged. The horses all followed the nutmeg, and they galloped south into the plains, away from Caleb.
The man who had lost paid for her, and jumped on his horse, racing to catch up with them. He was large for a human, standing just under the height of the elven mage he had tried for. He had chocolate brown hair, and was wearing the typical traveler's clothes, namely, camouflaged cloak, green shirt, tan breeches, and a belt with pouches. His cloak, while the normal colors, was abnormally large, and hid the fact that he was wearing a long, regal sword.
The thief had a considerable head start, and they ran for an hour. They stopped ahead, and the man spurred his horse faster. All of a sudden, there was a flash of light, and a panic among the horses. They looked like they were going to run, but their training held. It took the man ten minutes to reach there, by which time the other ladies had all gathered around two bodies, that of the thief, and that of the elven mage. Ivan checked the mage, found she was still alive, so he pulled her on his horse. He saw that the others weren't going anywhere, and went back to Caleb, passing a group of law enforcement on the way. Good, they will make sure the other women are taken care of, at least until they heal. The officers already had seen the figures, and saw that he was carrying the newly stolen mage. One stopped to question him. The man, Ivan Kaltor, told the officer that he had paid the last price he had bid for this mage, and what he had seen. With that, the officer hurried to catch the others of his unit.
When Ivan reached the town, he found that a crowd had gathered. It seemed a thousand eyes were watching him, and the crowd was eerily silent. He didn't pause, he just slowed his horse to a walk and approached the mass of waiting people. The crowd parted to let him by, and he slowly made his way to the inn where he had spent the night, the Mage Palace. Quickly going in, he sent a runner for a healer. It didn't take long, the healer had been at the door of the inn when the runner found him. In the meantime, Ivan had placed the mage on the bed in the bedroom, planning to sleep on the couch.
The healer, dressed in the green robes with blue healing symbols all healers in the human lands wear, looked her over, and then said, "It is a problem with her gift, the only thing that can help her now is rest. She is lucky she lived through that. The man obviously tried to rape her, and her magic protected her. She should sleep for the next day, and wake up tomorrow evening. Time will heal the rest."
"Thank you", Ivan said, and handed the healer the usual coin.
But the healer waved it away, saying, "I did not do anything, there is no cause to pay me", and left without the coin. Ivan closed the door behind him and went to bed, dreaming of his beloved, whom he had been betrothed to as a child.
(extra break here)
He woke up just after dawn to a pecking on his window. He opened the window and let the pigeon in, giving it the customary gift of berries for the message. It was from his friend, and it read âGot my mage, on my way to Caleb. Stay put, Iâll be there in a few days.â He wrote a quick reply saying that he would indeed wait for his friend, and sent the pigeon on its way. Glancing to make sure the elve was okay, he then went down to get breakfast.
âHey, nice catch you got up in your room. Care to share?â He ignored the rude person, and sat down by the master of the school, with whom he was friends.
âWhat can you tell me about my new mage?â
âAside from the obvious? Her name is Kishalana Pilmaphin. She has a twin brother whom it would behoove you to find, as those two were very close. She is strongest in water, and has very strong empathic powers that go with it. As such, she has a hard time harming others, but she will if necessary. Her weapon of choice is a staff, but she is also very good with the katana and the bow. Indeed, because of her electricity powers, she can move so fast sheâs invisible, so she can use any weapon or no weapon at all. She and her brother learned extraordinarily fast, even for elves, so they took every single class ever offered in the school, including many that are not offered anymore, and have not been offered in over a century. The past two centuries, theyâve been teaching classes while waiting to be sold. They have been trained to work with anyone, and to double with any other mage.â
âWhat about her personality?â
âShe is named after the tiger, and she seems to emulate it. However, I can only tell you that is how she is now. Remember, she has been at the school longer than any human has been alive. If you want to know about her early years there should be records...â
âNo, thatâs okay. Iâll learn about her the normal way.â
A messenger came in and announced, âMessage for Safcon Ivan.â Ivan blushed at the knowing look of the master, who was the only other person in the room to understand Safcon, and went to retrieve his message.
âAnd how is the lady doing?â the master asked.
âAs it is with future wives, cannot stop talking about the wedding and home afterwards, wants it to happen now but is resigned to waiting for the day to come.â
âDoes she realize what it will entail?â
âNot really. But that doesnât matter, not as long as we love one another.â
âYou need to warn her.â
âShe goes to live with my mother in two weeks, until the wedding, so she has a chance to back out. I doubt she will. Sheâll be perfect in that role.â
âI think you may be a bit biased about that.â
âMost definitely. I know my mother will straighten her out in no time.â
Knowing Ivanâs desire to keep his identity a secret, the master left it at that. Ivan went back to his room, and read the message. Then he whirled out the door and raced down the street to the house of one of the nobles. He went around to the servantsâ door and knocked twice, then once, and then thrice. The door opened, and he was pulled inside. There in the kitchen, mending his favorite shirt, sat his love, Lady Catherine.
âCat, my love, what are you doing here?â He asked in wonderment and concern.
âChecking to be sure there are no other women in your bed,â she teased.
âAlas, you have caught me red-handed,â he smiled.
âSurely you jest!â She cried.
âOnly in part,â he replied. âThe mage I have acquired is an elven maid, and she had need of a healing rest, so she got my bed, and I the couch.â
âI shall have to meet her,â Catherine said.
âThen you shall have to wait until I know sheâs alright.â
âWhy, what happened?â
âThe man who won the auction left without paying. When he got what he thought was a safe distance, he tried to rape her. However, her magic protected her and killed him. That knocked her out.â
âSheâll have to stand trial?â
âNo, for the man was a thief, and he tried to rape her. Even mages are allowed that much. Plus, I paid for her, and none would dare try to take my mage from me.â
âI need to be there when she wakes up. It would be better for her to wake to a womanâs face than a manâs, after what caused her to pass out.â
âThen get you in some peasant garb, for you cannot be seen like this. But first,â he leaned over and kissed her, âNow change!â She stepped into a side room, and just then he realized what she had been mending, and went to inspect it.
âHow did you get it back? I thought it was going to be thrown out.â
âIt was. When you came in with it torn, I knew it would go to the junk pile, so I had the servant who does laundry rescue it. It should be done in a week or two.â
âYouâre doing a fine job on it.â
âThank you.â Then her voice caught a twinge of fear. âIf your father ever finds out we are friends to servants...â
âSay no more my love. We will do what we need, no mistake about that.â
She came out, dressed as a washing-woman, who would have gotten off work for lunch. They went to the inn, and the master invited them to have lunch with him.
âI heard he had another woman in his bed last night?â Cat asked, giving Ivan a small push at the word âheâ.
âHe did, but you should not be jealous.â
âIâll be the judge of that. Is she pretty?â
âSheâs an elve, you know how elves are.â
âMore pretty than me?â
âNone can match your radiance, safcon,â Ivan quickly cut in.
âHow does she like you?â
âShe hasnât gotten to meet me. Sheâs been unconscious the whole time.â
âYou mean sheâs still here?â She got very loud.
âYes.â Ivan looked very ashamed.
âYou will take me to see her.â
âRight away.â
They got up and, with Cat towing Ivan behind, marched up the stairs to Ivanâs room. As soon as they got in, they dropped the act of Righteous Anger and Properly Shamed. Laughing, Ivan caught Cat up in his arms.
âYou were wonderful darling! Good thinking, the jealous lover act.â He kissed her thoroughly.
âThank you Love. Iâm just glad you caught on quickly. Now, I do wish to see her.â
âOf course.â Ivan opened the door, and Catherine walked into the bedroom, catching her breath when she saw Kishalana.
âSheâs so beautiful!â she said, voice full of awe.
âYouâve never seen an elve before, have you?â
âNo. The poor dear. How old is she?â
â1800.â
âThatâs their equivalent of 18, isnât it?â
âYes, but they donât really age after 3000, unless itâs to look wiser.â
âSheâll always be like this for us.â
âWell,â and Ivan smiled, âsheâll be awake for most of it.â
Kishalana started to wake up, so Ivan went out to sit on the couch.
âWhere am I?â Kisha asked. âWho are you? What happened?â Her voice was quavering with fear, but musical.
âYou are in The Mage Palace in Caleb.â Cat answered gently.
âWhat happened?â
âIvan chased down the man who tried to steal you and found you unconscious and the thief dead. He brought you back to the inn. That was yesterday.â
Kisha took a moment to digest that. I donât remember why I passed out, I donât remember anything after he threw me on the horse. Maybe it had better stay that way for now. Cat noticed that her brow was crinkled, as though trying to remember something.
âWho are you?â
âI am betrothed to Ivan.â
âWhere is he?â
âIn the other room, on the couch.â Kishalana started to get up. Cat stopped her, âDonât, Iâll get him.â Cat went into the living room. âMy love, she is awake and she wants to see you. Iâm not sure she remembers what exactly happened.â
Cat preceded Ivan in, and introduced him to Kisha.
âI am glad to see you are awake, I was worried you might have been hurt deeper than the healer saw. Do you feel okay?â
âYes master.â
âPlease call me Ivan.â
âYes Ivan.â
âRest for awhile, you had a hard day yesterday. Iâll go get you something to eat.â
âI should be serving you.â
âAs a mage, not as a servant. I wish to consider you a professional under my employ.â Kisha couldnât respond to that. Ivan left the room, leaving Cat and Kisha together.
âHeâs so... regalâ
âYes, he can have that affect on people. He really was worried about you.â
âHe was uncomfortable.â Cat looked very surprised, so Kisha added, âIâm an empath.â
âRight, water mage. Heâs never had a slave before, and heâs not sure quite what heâs doing. Heâs never seen a slave who was treated well, but he cannot treat you poorly, so this is entirely new ground for him. Plus, he doesnât really agree with slavery.â
âThey why...â
âHe needs a mage.â
âOh.â She thought for a minute. âI wish all people who owned slaves didnât agree with slavery.â
âIf that were the case, my dear, slavery wouldnât exist.â Ivan entered then, knocking before. He had a platter with a bowl of chicken noodle soup, a roll of bread, and a glass of milk. Kishaâs eyes brightened, and, after thanking him for the meal, ate with relish. The other two went out into the living room.
âSheâs so young!â
âI told you, sheâs like an 18 year old in all things.â
âSheâs an empath.â
âI know. Her skills will be very useful to us.â
âBe gentle with her. Maybe I should stay until the two of you get more accustomed to each other.â
âYou may stay awhile, but donât forget, you have to-â
âGo live with your mother and learn my duties, I know. However, I know something you donât about that. One of the things said to be âgoodâ about your mother is that she is never on time for anything, taking hours to get ready for anything, and days to get ready for a trip.â
Ivan laughed, âThat is the truth. My mother really isnât suited for much of anything except looking pretty. Very well. If you delay a few weeks, it will make you seem that way as well, which is what we are aiming for. Youâve done a very good job so far, my love; even my good friend Master of Student-Mages is questioning my choice in you. If he questions, it means father will be pleased.â
âI have worked exceedingly hard at it,â she replied with distaste coloring her voice.
âPatience my love. Once I inherit, we can drop the illusions we have worked so carefully on. Stick to our plan!â
Suggestions recieved for this section:
-correct mix-up on where I introduce Ivan's name
-foreshadow the rape a bit better while riding away
-smoother transition of pov
-small reminders of who's who
-new paragraph after "If that were the case, my dear, slavery wouldn't exist"; as is, it looks like Ivan said that, when it's really Cat.
-good dialogue
-good imagery
I didn't put the wording suggestions and most of the grammar issues, but please don't assume we caught any of them. Go ahead and ream me out. I'll fight back, but in the end, many suggestions will be adopted into it.
And before anyone jumps on me about the auctioneer's comments of Kisha, yes, she does have peers, the auctioneer knows she has peers, but he's trying to get a good price. He's supposed to make her sound better than her actually are. But, she really is extremely high up.
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