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First ~page of a maybe-novel

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First ~page of a maybe-novel

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby fennec on Wed May 09, 2007 9:56 pm

I've started on something that may become the introductory chapter of some sort of novel, and would welcome the regular feedback stuff.

(oh, please forgive the TeX formatting stuff at the top.)

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Tips: 0.00 INK Postby MediocrePiracy on Thu May 10, 2007 2:36 pm

Your writing prose seems well fit for present tense, and you capture with it a kind of movie-like quality in your imagery. It’s wonderful, and I adore how you treat a scene as though it were for a movie script, giving the image of a solitary moment as though viewing it from a fixed position rather than, by more contemporary means, describing each item quite plainly as it is in its natural form. I find that aspect to be the most refreshing of all.

Job well done

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Re: First ~page of a maybe-novel

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Circ on Thu May 24, 2007 10:56 pm

I'm not to keen on the formatting, but you admit yourself that it has issues; granted, I wouldn't mind some consistency. As to the story? The vernacular is appropriate, but the writing seems a bit broken. That probably sounds harsh, but I hope you don't misconstrue what I mean. I mean broken more in terms of how the spoken language can sound broken. Halting. Not quite lining up properly. Perhaps a bit like life, indicating you may have been going for such an effect. Either way, the imagery is quite lovely and sufficiently balanced with dialogue so as not to become monotonous, a trend I see weak and waning in the general community of role players.
conditio sine qua non

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