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Grimbold Theoman and Drako11

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Grimbold Theoman and Drako11

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Grimbold Theoman on Thu Sep 20, 2007 9:45 am

Okay, I know that you are new to role playing so I am going to do something a little different for your first lesson. I would like you to read all first posts of tutors and pupils and having done so come back and I will post an introductory post. I would like you to see how many and how broad the styles and levels of skill there are. Some of the pupils are here for confidence more than need some really need all the help they can get. The object however is to allow you to assess your own level and to inspire you too. You will be able to spot some of the most obvious mistakes and hopefully that will enable you to make a flying start.

Just post back here when you are through and I will start

Grim

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Re: Grimbold Theoman and Drako11

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Drako11 on Thu Sep 20, 2007 11:16 am

Alrighty I have read through most of the first posts and I believe I am ready to continue. Judging my level by others I think I might be around Nightmare's level maybe a bit below. We will see! ^_^
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Re: Grimbold Theoman and Drako11

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Grimbold Theoman on Fri Sep 21, 2007 4:25 am

My initial sessions are going to be on the subject of character development. To this end I would like you to create a new character, I want this to be completely new. When you have read the setting at the end of this and the introduction I would like you to think a little bit about the type of character, create a small amount of back story, it doesn't need to be much that can develop as you play. When you have that send it to me by PM and you will be free to post as soon as it's sent. I want it so that I can see you are being consistent.

Slowly the light faded becoming merely blinding instead of pure, intense, pain. Now that your head no longer rings with the light you can start to explore your environment. The sounds around you are those of a woodland, the faintest hint of wood smoke catches in your nostrils. You are lying you your back dampness seeping through your clothing. The light fades again a little more vision starts to clear, you can see the sky above you a brilliant blue surrounded at the edges of your vision as you lie there by the upper branches and leaves of trees of a kind you don't recognise. There is a the sound of someone moving a little off to your left.

You turn your head a fraction and see an older looking man his face lined a little by age, his hair full but it's original black is peppered with white now. He appears to be sitting on the stump of a tree watching you with amused and strangely youthful looking eyes. The man nods to you a fraction. His shoulders look quite broad but he is clearly not a big man. After watching you a moment longer he rises and again bows his head to you.
"I see that you have joined us at last, how are you feeling?" his question is asked gently though his voice is quite and soft you get the feeling that there is an edge of steel in it too a hidden strength that is unexpected.

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Re: Grimbold Theoman and Drako11

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Drako11 on Fri Sep 21, 2007 8:59 am

Daniel raised himself up on his elbows still staring at the strange old man. The mans face seemed so blurry in front of him he looked old, yet he still seemed young it was as if his face kept pulsing back and forth between ages. Slowly Daniel raised his right arm and rubbed his temples with his thumb and forefinger trying to see the man better. Yet still he could not determine the man's true age.

"Wh...Where am I?" Daniel asked still dazed. "Who is us?" Suddenly Daniel was alert, springing onto his feet he whipped his bowie knife from its holster on the back of his belt. Holding it in front of him Indian style with the blade down grasping the handle like a brasse knuckle. Daniel slowly turned around using his keen senses he had obtained through years of hunting to search out the woods looking for a sign of someone else.

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Re: Grimbold Theoman and Drako11

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Grimbold Theoman on Sat Sep 22, 2007 3:45 am

Okay for a first post that's a good start there are a few issues with it that I would like to stress now. Firstly the point of our lessons here at the moment is the development of character. We can surmise a couple of things from your post but they are not backed by evidence. I would have liked to see more information about what was in your characters head, his feelings and sensations as well as emotions. These are all things, while that do not advance the action of a role play, contribute to the readers feeling that the action is happening to real people.

I left opportunities for you to fill in some description too. By dropping hints in my post you could have mentioned a small fire by the old man for example. What I am saying is that it is okay for you to add some description of the environment. I like what you took from my drawing of the older man's face though you took it oddly that may be my fault or you could perhaps have made it the perception of your character not an attribute of mine. This you can do by a bit of personal setting so maybe "Daniel's dazed state and the strange miss-match of the older man's features gave the impression that his face kept pulsing...." I certainly didn't say that it could be the impression of your character but you need to own that if that is the case.

Mostly the structure is good spelling and grammar good enough, and not something I am perfect at myself, however the last sentence is clumsy to read and needs to be written more grammatically. Otherwise a little description of your character would be useful. I gave little of my character because you wouldn't have seen him clearly or for long. Now I would like you to re-write that again bearing what I have said in mind. It doesn't need massive changes some additions and try to re arrange the last sentence so it reads better.

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Re: Grimbold Theoman and Drako11

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Drako11 on Sat Sep 22, 2007 2:21 pm

Daniel sat blinking the old man had asked him a question he knew, but he couldn't seem to talk yet. His head was just to muddled. Rising up into a sitting position he rubbed his head and looked around. His wet shirt clung to his back outlining his broad back and tan skin. His muscles rippled and bulged as he turned his head.

Slowly Daniel scanned his surroundngs. He noticed he was in a small clearing. All around him saw strange bird, insects, what he thought was deer and various other strange woodland creatures. Looking up he studdied the trees. They seemed almost to glow to him, the bark was smooth almost like a hickory yet it seemed almost a pure white. Daniel could not see the tops of the trees no matter how hard he tried, yet he knew by the enourmous size of the trunks that they must all be no less then 100ft tall. Looking over the camp he saw a log of the same type of wood as the trees setting next to the fire. A pack and a walking stick sat at the end of the log.

Turning his attention once again to the old man Daniel stood up, his nutmeg colored pants clung uncomfortably to his skin due to their dampness. After running his fingers through his thick dark brown hair to rid it of any foreign objects Daniel looked up. "What is this place?" he asked a questioning look on his face. "And who is us?"

Daniel studied the man as he waited for a reply. The man seemed as old as his father when heh ad been killed. Yet the man stood firm and proud. Daniel could tell the walking stick by the log was for defence only. The mans face was weathered and wrinkled as you would suspect on an older person, yet it had a strange youthness to it that seemed wrong compared to the rest of his body. Daniel warmed to him he knew that he could trust this man.

Better?

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Re: Grimbold Theoman and Drako11

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Grimbold Theoman on Sun Sep 23, 2007 6:40 am

Now that's a lot better, we already know a lot more about your character, his appearance and stature. We have some sense of how he feels. You have taken the hints I gave about location and produced some good description. To be honest there is very little wrong with the post now. I trust that you can see why it's an improvement yourself. One thing to remember is that far more people read these games than play in them, so you have to write for them. The other players will appreciate it though they will not act upon your thoughts, just your speech and actions.

The old man looks you up and down taking in your physique and demeanour. He steps away from the small fire and strides around you looking you up and down. He is short barely five feet six, you would estimate, he has short dark hair his eyes sparkle a mischievous blue almost a match for the sky. His clothing is strange to you, he wears a long flowing brown cape like robe over trousers and a shirt and vest of peculiar design of a creamy yellow fabric.

The old man completes his circumnavigation and inspection of you and comes to stand in front of you about eight feet away. He bows his head once more.


"We are myself, and my pet, she is off in the forest somewhere. She got hungry waiting for you to awaken. As for this place, it is as you see a clearing in he mighty forest of Treorchy. I make my home a little way off" He waved vaguely off to the left at that. "At least I do on the rare occasions that I am at home."

He stopped and looked past you just on your right side. A huge black panther slid past you having made no sound that you could discern. The great beast looked up at you and gave you the most intelligent and searching look you have ever seen from any animal. The cat walks on and circles round the old man before sitting on her haunches beside him. Seeming to happen almost unconsciously his hand reaches down and lovingly ruffles the cat's ears.

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Re: Grimbold Theoman and Drako11

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Drako11 on Sun Sep 23, 2007 7:39 am

Daniel jerked back as the huge cat passed him. It glanced up at him and seemed to search his soul with its huge eyes, before padding over and sitting next to the old man. Still shocked Daniel stared at the cat he had only seen pictures of panthers in a book at the old small library up on top of the mountain he lived on, let alone less then five feet in front of him.

Daniel noticed the panther seemed almost more of a companion to the old man rather then a pet. He could sense the unbreakable bond of friendship between them. Finally his heart stopped pounding and Daniel settled onto the balls of his feet studying the panther. It had to weigh no less then two hundred pounds of that he was sure, the beast was twice as big as any of the pumas he had run into back home. It's ebony fur coat glistened from the stray beams of light that happened to make it through the canopy above. Its long tail constantly twitched and flicked about, seeming to have a life of its own. "Whats its name?" Daniel asked looking up to the old man, then back down to study the cat more.

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Re: Grimbold Theoman and Drako11

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Eymber on Sun Sep 23, 2007 10:29 am

FIrst, I would like to point out that in normal RPS, one does not normally address the other character as "You" though in forums it is appropriate in some cases. Also, past tense is preferred when RPing.. [<3 you Dave... sorry to correct you.] Other than that, Drako.. You have talent. Just thought I would let you know.

Gwenhavar slipped through the brush, eyeing her prey. Sealthly, she slid around the large collection of vines and moved back on her haunches. The doe remained unaware of her presence, and with one graceful move, Gwenhavar lept regally through the clearing and pounced upon the unexpecting doe. Only moments later, the panther was licking her paws, cleaining the leftovers off of herself when she heard her master's voice. It was time.

She made her was swiftly back to their home, stopping only for a moment at the small watering hole to take a drink. She licked her whiskers clean and turned towards the clearing. She could sense the presance of another in her territory, and without thinking about it, went into steath mode again. If it were a predator, she would take it out swiftly and effortlessly... if it was not, she would probibally scare it. She grinned, as much as a panther could, and drew near. Her master was sitting on a log in the clearing, apparently having a conversation with the other. Not a threat. She slinked around him and slid to her master's feet, sitting down on her haunches, her black fur glistening in the sunlight.

At the request for her name she looked to her master, then with almost a wink, she began to stalk to him, her graceful movements mesmerizing him. When she was almost right at him, she made eye contact, and suddenly transformed into a woman. A beautiful woman at that.
"My name is Gwenhavar." She smiled through crimson lips. Her obsidian hair hung down to her waist, contrasting with her pale skin. She wore a wrap of black cloth, which came down to her mid-thighs, and did not cover her sholders. Her slender, muscular figure mirrored that of what she was when in panther form. A picture of perfection. The only thing that was not human about her, now that she had changed, was her eyes. They remained yellow, giving a flag of warning. "And what might your name be?" She asked him.
...Arise and be all that you dream....

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Re: Grimbold Theoman and Drako11

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Drako11 on Sun Sep 23, 2007 2:01 pm

Daniel thought he was shocked when the panther spoke to him. He wasn't prepared for the shock he recieved when th panther turned into a breathtakingly beautiful woman. Daniel stepped backwards, his foot found the top of a smooth rock and it slipped out from underneath him sending him falling onto his rear end on the leaf strewn, moss covered soil.

He noticed that her eyes had not changed one bit. They still had the soul searching pierceingness as before. "And what might your name be?" she asked him. Still stunned by Gwenhavar's beauty Daniel pushed himself up from the ground and dusted off the rear of his pants. Then looking up said "M...My name is Daniel Trinn..." he trailed of unsure of what to say.
"Wh..What are you?" Daniel asked the thought coming to his head, immeidiately he regreted it and watched to see how Gwenhavar would react.

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Re: Grimbold Theoman and Drako11

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Grimbold Theoman on Mon Sep 24, 2007 2:19 am

Okay so on the whole a pretty good post, there are a couple of things that spring to mind though. There are a few typographical and spelling errors there, not huge and we all make them but there are ways to get around them. One is to ensure you proof read the post using the preview function, if you use firefox as a browser you can install an dictionary that checks spelling as you type and to which you can add words. I find that very useful. The second point is a little more significant. You state that the panther spoke to you when in fact she changed before she spoke, make sure you read others posts carefully so that you match their actions and words. Oh yes one more thing, I am pretty sure that piercingness is not a legitimate word the dictionary agrees with me I would always try and avoid such usage in this case it's easy you say something like "They still had the soul searching piercing quality as before" There is almost always a way around using 'ness on the end of a word.

Other than that it's a good post, you used humour well with the rock, I liked the reaction to Gwenhavar there was good description in there too. The post is short but it's an example of when a short post is legitimate it can happen often with conversations. Eymber will post next as you addressed your question to her directly. That also indicates an important factor in this type of play, that of a flexible approach to post sequence. I could post now but it's more appropriate that Eymber does so first.

Keep up the good work Drako. Eymber, if you have any other comments feel free to post them yourself.

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Re: Grimbold Theoman and Drako11

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Eymber on Mon Sep 24, 2007 8:14 am

Grim... what is your character's name? It makes it hard for us to interact with you if you're just "That Old man." xD though, if you are waiting to unveil your name until a certain time, that is understandable. Other than that...

Drako, very good post. Other than what Grim spoke of, I cannot see anything at the moment. And it's a lot better than the post that I'm doing right now.. -=blames the cough medicine=- ...so Kudos.



Gwenhavar smiled as the young one fell back, and with the grace of a swan, the woman reached out her hand and offered to help him up as he began to stand. "Daniel Trinn..." A light laughter escaped. His action gave her amusement. "I...am a changeling. A shapeshifter." She paused, allowing this to sink in. "There are not many of my kind left in this world, so it does not suprise me that you were taken aback." She glanced at the old man, waiting for approval or suggestion.

She was not his slave, nor his servant. They were equals, but the lives that they had led before and during the time that they had known one another had given both of them a sense of endearment towards one another. She looked to him when she did not know what to say or do, and he did the same with her. She wondered who this young one was.. and why he was here. What was the purpose of them meeting, and what effect it would have on their future. Knowing that her questions would be answered in time, she remained quiet, her golden eyes tuned to the older man's sky blue. Undieing Devotion.

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Re: Grimbold Theoman and Drako11

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Grimbold Theoman on Fri Sep 28, 2007 5:22 pm

The old man walks to stand beside the elegant beauty of Gwenhavar, he is not so tall as she and he looks up at her with the same light of love and devotion in his eyes. He turns again to the young stranger, his right arm finding its way round the shapechanger&#39;s back.

"I am also a rarity, even more so than my friend and companion I am called Elder, I am the last of my race, as she is one of a near dead race herself. We have grown used to each others company over the last few years and it suits us to travel together. But what of you young man, your dress is strange, your manners unusual, perhaps you could tell us from whence you came?"

He removed his arm from Gwenhavar&#39;s back and lead her to the fire, gesturing that Daniel should do the same. The couple settled themselves on the ground close together. There was space across the small camp site where Daniel could sit if he chose. Again Elder&#39;s hand sought out that of Gwenhavar, he placed his own tanned hand gently on hers.

"So Daniel?" He watched the boy intently his eyes too sharp and bright to seem right for one who called himself Elder

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Re: Grimbold Theoman and Drako11

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Drako11 on Sat Sep 29, 2007 7:46 am

((Umm maybe I'm wrong, but didn't you just god mode? I don't knowm aybe its ok in this situation, but I thought you weren't supposed to do that.))

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Re: Grimbold Theoman and Drako11

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Grimbold Theoman on Mon Oct 01, 2007 7:34 am

Drako, there are occasions when it is permissible to use what might be called "godmodding" in this case I would have had to post my first then wait on Eymber then finish my post off I am pretty confident that she would not object to my choice of actions for her character. I had hoped that she might have had time to comment but since she hasn't I am now. The times when you do not mod another character are if you and the other player do not know each other and the potential reactions and when there is a situation where an action may put the modded character into potential danger. None of those things apply to this situation. There is a very fine line between godmodding and expediting the role play and the line moves about depending upon the circumstance and players involved. You are right to question it and I hope my explanation is clear to you. In the end the rule is: if you are unsure don't mod, if you are sure think again and if you are still sure do a minimum and do it carefully.

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Re: Grimbold Theoman and Drako11

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Eymber on Mon Oct 01, 2007 5:05 pm

This such as seating someone in a forum RP situation are perfectly acceptable, and if the person who was sat does not wish to do so, they can still void it out in the next post. That's another rule that is to be learned. Flexibility is something that is needed in Forum RPs. I'll post after Drako.

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Re: Grimbold Theoman and Drako11

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Drako11 on Thu Oct 04, 2007 10:36 am

Daniel walked over and sat on a log facing Gwenhavar and Elder. Placing his head into his palms he sat for a minute collecting his thoughts. Then with a sigh he looked up at the two sitting across from him he studied their faces for a moment before speaking.

"I don't know who brought me here, and I don't know why I am here." "The last thing I remember was, I was about to skin this buck I had just shot. I had set my coat and gun aside so as not to dirty them, then when I was about to pull out my knife to start skinning the buck I noticed that it's eyes were pure white. The whitest white I had ever seen! I tried to look away, but I couldn't it was as if his eyes were holding me there, trapping me. Then a bright light flashed all around and in my head it hurt so bad that is the only thing I remember about it. I think I passed out from the pain and that's where you found me."

Ending his story Daniel watched to see Elder's and Gwenhavar's reactions.

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Re: Grimbold Theoman and Drako11

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Eymber on Sat Oct 06, 2007 1:20 am

I have to not be online for a bit. PLease see my post in the welcome desk.I'm very sorry

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Re: Grimbold Theoman and Drako11

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Eymber on Thu Oct 25, 2007 4:01 pm

Why is it that I leave, and the two of you stop completely? Grim, you know how to NPC me. The boy needs to learn. Teach.

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Re: Grimbold Theoman and Drako11

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Drako11 on Sun Nov 04, 2007 9:55 pm

GLAD YOUR BACK!

I have been really busy, err well I am still goign to be busy for a while that is. XP That's why I haven't been posting. Life comes first. Anywho I will try to jump back in with Academy soon.

Cya SOON!

Drako

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