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Heaven And Hell: Prologue

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Heaven And Hell: Prologue

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby TheFinalOne on Mon Mar 19, 2012 2:24 am

Heaven and Hell


Prologue 1

Immortal Plane
4th January 2069

The voting process had started. Twelve had been chosen after The War of the Old Gods, chosen to decide mankind’s future, chosen to tell God what they wanted him to do. What would these men choose? Will they ask God to leave the Human Plane alone? Or will they request him to reset the Plane?

Each one had to agree on one decision for this to work properly. They all knew what happened the last time when they asked God to reset the world. One of the previous twelve had just played along and that caused the Human Plane to retain a lot of the things from before the Reset. Everything before 100 AD was going to be erased but things didn’t go as planned.

He looked at the rest of them gathered there. There was no way all would agree to reset the Plane after the last time. One by one they started speaking. “Yes, or they’ll destroy Mother Earth,” “No, look what happened the last time,” “Yes, or they’ll discover the semi-mortals and destroy whatever we’ve accomplished in all these years,” “I will not allow this.” He couldn’t handle so much disagreement so he placed a curse on all of them. Wrong move.

Prologue 2

Mortal Plane
5th March 2076

The Vampire Dra’geer looked at his people. They were ready and it was time. For too long they let the Werewolves and the Zombies live free. The Vampires were the most civilized of the three, so why shouldn’t they be ruling over the others? No, Dra’geer wouldn’t allow such nonsense to continue. His men were superior and now they would show the Zombies and the werewolves just who was boss.

“My fellow warriors, it is time,” he addressed the crowd of warriors and peasants alike that had gathered below the castle. “For too long, we listened to those uncivilized fools. They are our slaves, nothing else. Let us teach them a lesson,” he spoke and a loud cheer engulfed the castle, so loud it started shaking the structure. Dra’geel smiled; Master Dracula’s plan was working.

Prologue 3

Mortal Plane
10th September 2001

“The DOD cannot account for 2.6 trillion dollars,” said Mr. Byrd to all present there. What he didn’t realize that he had just signed his death sentence.

Mortal Plane
21st December 2076

The men looked at the person who had just entered. He was their best fighter and most loyal servant. He would do whatever they commanded of him, even take his own life. But they wouldn’t command him to take his life. No, they had bigger plan for him. The man bowed before them and spoke, “My commands?”

“There is a military base in Nevada. We want you to upload the data on this pendrive on their remote servers,” the oldest one spoke up. The man took the pendrive from the servant who had been besides the men. “Make sure you upload it on 5th July of the next year.” The man took his leave.

(OOC: Yes, I'm sure you all are quite confused. Human Plane? Semi-mortals? 2.6 trillion dollars?! I will explain it all in due time. This is a miniseries and this is just a Prologue post. There will be three main parts in this miniseries, the Book of the Twelve, the Book of the Count and the Book of Adam. I was actually planning to make this a RP but their way too many important characters. It would never get off the ground.
You must understand that I’m not a good story teller so any suggestions on how to improve will help me greatly and will be appreciated though go easy on me. Any questions on the story will not be answered because, “I said I’ll explain in later posts Goddamnit!”)
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TheFinalOne
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Re: Heaven And Hell: Prologue

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby ViceVersus on Fri Mar 23, 2012 8:56 am

Hey there, TheFinalOne! First of all, I just wanted to let you know that I've moved your thread from the main Creative Realm index to that of the Writing subforum.

Don't worry about if you're a good or bad storyteller. It all comes with practice. The one thing I will say right now is that this story seems too heavily plot-driven. I don't feel invested through character, and that's key. Otherwise you have a lot of unmotivated action happening, and that can often be the downfall of any story.

You seem to have created a rich world with a lot of things happening - in fact, there seem to be multiple worlds all circling around each other. Remember that "character is compass" in every sense of the world. Figure out who your story is about, and where the conflict can come from, internally, rather than all these external factors.

I'm left reading this not knowing how I should feel, or not feeling all that involved! I like the format of the way it's put together, however. I'd love to read more!
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