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Immortals

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Immortals

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Jax on Thu May 18, 2006 2:04 pm

Jax entered the room, oh crud he thought when he saw a army of demons standing infront of him. this is going to be fun, he thought and yanked out excaliber and he pushed off of his foot flipped over the demons impaled one and he the thought what am i doing i can summon the leviathin. i call on the people of atlantis and i summon the levisthin to destroy these demons.

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Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Remæus on Thu May 18, 2006 2:17 pm

OOC: Try separating your thoughts, such as:

(I've adjusted for syntax a bit, just my style..
Upon entering the room, Jax noticed the army of demons in front of him.

"Oh, crud..." he thought, "..this is going to be fun."

He yanked out Excalibur and pushed off his foot to flip over the demons. His sword stretched out to impale one of them before he thought to himself.

"What am I doing? I can summon the Leviathan..."

He called upon the people of Atlantis and summoned the Leviathan to destroy the demons.


I've also done a couple of tense changes... again, my style. See how it works?
Antoine de Saint-Exupéry wrote:If you want to build a ship, don’t drum up the men to gather wood, divide the work, and give orders. Instead, teach them to yearn for the vast and endless sea.

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Tips: 0.00 INK Postby digit_masperia on Thu May 18, 2006 6:09 pm

Much fun, here's my variation. Though, I'll involve a ton of inane detail, like Eric (Master) would've done.
____________________

Jax crept upon a dark room, an eerie essence thriving throughout the mist that surrounded it. Through a crack in the fog, he could see a pair of piercing red eyes, followed d by another, and then, another!

Before he could possibly comprehend his situation, he unsheathed his mighty Excalibur, the sword given to him by the Lady of the lake, long after the medieval days of King Arthur.

With a silent scream his leg muscles tensed, throwing himself far above the ground, the shining end of the sharp saber impaling one of the red eyes demon's in the eye, blood spurting. Then that demon brightened, turning into a white shining light before being obliterated into dust.

In the light it created, he noticed the horde of demons he was actually facing.

"Oh crud..."

He yelled and slashed at another, and another, fighting fiercely for his life.

"What am I doing? I can summon Leviathan...."

With a flick of his wrist he revealed a hidden amulet under his cloak. Calling upon the gods of Atlantis, the mighty creature Leviathan was forced through a tidal wave from nowhere, Landing in the center of the swarm of devils.

It roared with a mighty roar, and water shot out of it's mouth, the intensity and pressure of the waves splitting open the skulls of the demons. Then, Jax closed his eyes...the bright flash nearly blinded him, but then again, there were no more demons.....
_________________________

Don't worry though, Jax, roleplay is about essence, not always length. So just do your best. :D
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