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Jokes

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Jokes

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby The Sickness on Sat Feb 04, 2012 12:32 am

I'd say the title explains it all.
We all know one, at least one.
Practice some sense with what you post. (You know the rules so keep it PG-13)
You don't have to follow a theme so quit over thinking it and post already!
In case you're still wondering how this works I'll start.

There's a lady that goes to see her preacher one sunday because her husband is always falling asleep during church.
He hands her a hat pin and says. "Anytime he starts to nod off just give me a signal.
In return, when the time is right, I'll five you a signal and you're to poke him with the pin.
With a knowing nod and a devilish smile she agrees to the plan.

The next sunday they're in church and sure as the world he's starting to fall asleep.
She nods to the preacher and the preacher after saying "...and what is the name of our Lord and Savior?"
Gives her a signal in return, she pokes her husband with the pin and he shouts "Jesus Christ!"
The preacher smiles and he says happily "You are correct brother!"

About 30 minutes later he's falling asleep again.
By this time his wife looks over and she's annoyed.
So yet again she nods to the preacher.
He continues with the service for a moment before saying "And what is our Savior's Father's name?"
He then signals to her and she again pokes her husband with the pin and he shouts "God almighty!"
The preacher once again happily says "That is correct! You are right on today brother!"

30 minutes pass again and he's out cold in the pew again.
She nods to the preacher but this time doesn't see a signal of any kind.
She waits and waits, finally she sees something that looks like a signal after the preacher says.
"And what did Mary say to Joseph after bearing his 99th child?!"
The poke woke her husband and this time with a growl in his voice he says between his teeth,
"I swear if you poke me with that thing one more time.
I'm going to rip it off, and shove it up your ass."

And the congregation said "Amen"
To every U.S. soldier THANK YOU!

I'm not your precious, oh don't you get on your knees.
Cause every motherfucker wants to taste your disease.
I know your torment was just a part of your plans.
You lie to the sky while you're folding your hands.
I know you hate me, cause I'm all that you need.
Close your eyes, say goodbye, I'm gonna set you free!

And cry sister make it rain.
It makes no difference, you'll never see me again.
Cry Sister, Royal Bliss

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Re: Jokes

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Santii on Wed Feb 22, 2012 12:19 pm

I always used to be better at chess than my daughter and beat her every day.

Now she's improved immensely, and we're more equal when we play.

I still beat her every day though.

It's just that the beatings are much worse if she dares wins at chess..
"Forget all that formal crap 'bout comin' at me one at a time. I'll take all you bitches on!"
Mugen - Samurai Champloo

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Re: Jokes

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby The Sickness on Thu Feb 23, 2012 10:57 pm

There's two guys on the top of the Sears Tower Building.
One guy looks at the bartender, snaps his fingers, and says " Give me a shot of tequila."
The bartender gives him the shot, he drinks it down, jumps out the window and comes back again three seconds later.
The other guy says "How'd you do that?"
The first guy says "Just watch."
So again he looks at the bartender, snaps his fingers, and says " Give me a shot of tequila."
The bartender gives him the shot, he drinks it down, jumps out the window and comes back again three seconds later.
The other guy says "How'd you do that?"
The first guy says "One more time, that's all I'm going to show you."
And so again again he looks at the bartender, snaps his fingers, and says " Give me a shot of tequila."
The bartender gives him the shot, he drinks it down, jumps out the window and comes back again three seconds later.
The other guy says "How'd you do that?"
Finally the first guy says "There's an updraft between the two buildings."
Now the second guy is cocky and he figures if this moron can do it, anyone can.
So he looks at the bartender, snaps his fingers, and says " Give me a shot of tequila."
The bartender gives him the shot, he drinks it down, jumps out the window and SPLAT all over the pavement.
Within moments the police are there, ambulances are pulling up and the bartender looks over and says rather non chalantly with a slight sigh.
"Superman you're such an asshole when you're drunk."

Santii I'm a little lame brained and had to read your post twice but once I did it was pretty good.

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Re: Jokes

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Mugenn on Sat Mar 03, 2012 8:42 pm

I only seem to pull really thick women.

Not one manages to give me her number correctly.
"Forget all that formal crap 'bout comin' at me one at a time. I'll take all you bitches on!"
Mugen - Samurai Champloo

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Re: Jokes

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby TornZero on Thu Mar 22, 2012 3:59 pm

Two guys walk into a bar; one ducks, the other falls down.
-----
Two blondes walk into a building; you'd think the second one would've seen it coming.
-----
A blonde and a brunette are about to jump off a building, which one hits the ground first? The brunette; the blonde has to stop and ask for directions.
-----
Your mother.
Remember: If you use an A in "definitely", you're definitely an A-hole.

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Re: Jokes

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Patcharoo on Thu Mar 22, 2012 9:39 pm

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho cheese.

There were three tomatoes walking down the road, a father, a mother and a child. The child was lagging behind so the father turned around and squished him and said.
"Ketchup."
Circ wrote:When I first joined RolePlayGateway, it was a place where positive conflict fostered creativity and friendships were formed rather than cliques. Honesty and transparency were valued, new people were incorporated into the community rather than judged based on what style of writing they preferred, and despite the youthfulness and zeal of the population there prevailed a reasonable degree of common sense.

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Re: Jokes

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby The Sickness on Thu Mar 22, 2012 10:47 pm

Two morons cross paths walking through the desert.
One is carrying a car door.
The other says "Hey what are you doing with that door?"
The one holding the door replies "Oh that, that's so when it gets hot I can roll down the window."

How do you kill an idiot that throws a hand grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back.

Did you hear how the firing squad full of idiots died?
They stood in a circle.

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Re: Jokes

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby dealing with it on Thu Mar 22, 2012 11:22 pm

So, a caveman walked into a club.

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Re: Jokes

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby WAAAGH! on Fri Mar 23, 2012 12:19 am

I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy
---
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
---
There's a redhead, a brunette, and a blonde. They're all at the NASA space center. The redhead says to the flight technician ,"I want to go to the moon". The flight technician says she can go tomorrow. The brunette says, "I want to go to Mars". He says she can go next week. The blonde says, "I want to go to the sun". The flight technician says, "Don't you know you'll burn up?" The blonde says, "Well then I'll go at night."
The man who passes the sentence should swing the sword. If you would take a man's life, you owe it to him to look into his eyes and hear his final words. And if you cannot bear to do that, then perhaps the man does not deserve to die.

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Re: Jokes

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Moon/Mihael on Sun Mar 25, 2012 1:21 am

Two guys walk into a bar. The third one ducks.

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Re: Jokes

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Death Himself on Tue Mar 27, 2012 10:25 pm

A mother and her three daughters are having a picnic in the park.

The first daughter says to her mother"Mommy why did you name me daisy"
The mother says"Because when you were born a daisy landed on your head"

The second daughter says to her mother"Mommy why did you name me rose"
The mother says"Because when you were born a rose landed on your head"

The third daughter says to her mother"Duuuuuuuh Potatoes!"And drools all over
And the mother goes"Shut up cinderblock!"
My name is that which strikes fear into the hearts of billions.The very second you hear it you think of injury,blood,sickness,utter and complete end.Many avoid thinking about my name all together,but eventually everyone must think and or face it...................Death.So long as life is present there will be death,you may try to avoid it or hide from it.....but eventually it will catch you.

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Re: Jokes

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby The Sickness on Sat Mar 31, 2012 9:06 pm

There's a guy that walks into a house of ill repute one night.
A very well dressed, polished looking, man.
The madam of the house walks up to him and says
"Welcome! See anything you like?"
The man responds firmly.
"I want to see Valerie."
The madam says a bit stunned.
"Are you sure?
Valerie is our best girl and she's 10,000 dollars a night."
The man still responds in much the same manner as the first time.
So she sends for Valerie.
Moments later this gorgeous, young thing comes strutting down the stairs.
He takes her back upstairs without a word, does his thing, leaves 10 grand on the night stand and leaves.
The next night he returns.
The madam greets him again and he replies just as firmly as the first night.
"I want to see Valerie."
Again the madam questions him but when she meets with the same response she sends for Valerie again.
Again Valerie struts down the stairs to him and he runs her back upstairs without saying a word.
He does his thing, leaves 10 grand on the night stand and is gone again.
The next night he returns and yet again he wants to see Valerie.
The madam doesn't even question him this time and sends for Valerie.
Again Valerie struts down the stairs to him and he runs her back upstairs without saying a word.
He does his thing and leaves 10 grand on the night stand but this time instead of letting him just leave she catches him putting on his clothes and says smiling.
"I've been in this profession for a good while and no one has ever spent this much money on me or any woman.
I've got to ask where are you from?"
The man replies while straightening his tie.
"Billings Montana."
She then answers a bit stunned
"Really? I've got family in Billings Montana."
The man then puts his pants back on and after putting his shoes and belt back on says.
"I know, your sister died and she wanted me to give you $30,000."

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Re: Jokes

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Star Lumina on Wed Apr 04, 2012 2:41 pm

Here's some meta-humor. Which basically means it is a joke that makes fun of jokes. :D

Why did the chicken cross the road? To have its motives questioned.

An man walks past a bar.

Three blind mice walk into a bar, but they're unaware of their surroundings so to derive humor from this would be expletive.

-End meta humor. Begin normal stuff.-

What do you do when a blond throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back.

What do you do when a blond throws a pin at you? Run. She's holding a live grenade.

You know you play too much Call of Duty when you throw a grenade into your kitchen before getting a snack.

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? Because he was DEAD. Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree? Because he was stapled to the first one. Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?.....Peer pressure.

Hope you enjoyed these :D

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Re: Jokes

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby The Sickness on Mon Apr 16, 2012 10:34 pm

This guy gets into a cab one night.
As he sits down he notices this nun sitting beside him.
As they go down the street she says to him rather out of the blue.
"If you could do anything in your life what would you do?"
He replies plainly "I've always wanted to have sex with a nun."
She in turn answers "Well there's two thing you need for that, you need to be single and Catholic."
He then very quickly responds "I'm both."
So they get the driver to pull over, in a dark alley they do their business, and are back in the cab.
A few miles down the road the guy starts tearing up a box of kleenex crying.
With his hands over his eyes and tears streaming down his face he confesses.
"I'm sorry! I....I lied to you. I'm.... I'm married and Jewish."
She says smiling sweetly "That's ok..."
her voice then turns deep to reveal she's not what she pretends to be.
"My name is Scott and I'm going to a costume ball."

Moral of the story:

What looks good to you aint always good for you.

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Re: Jokes

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Ms. Fyrefli on Tue Jul 10, 2012 9:16 am

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

Man: Hello.

Woman: Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?

Man: Yes.

Woman: I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $5,000. Is it okay if I buy it?

Man: Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.

Woman: I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new models. There was this one that I really, really liked ...

Man: How much?

Woman: $150,000.

Man: Okay, but for that price I want it with all the options.

Woman: Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $1.35M for it.

Man: Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $1.3M. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra $25,000 if it's really a pretty good price.

Woman: Okay. I'll see you later! I love you so much!

Man: Bye! I love you, too.


As the man hangs up, the other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.

Placing the phone back on the bench, he turns and asks, "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"


-----------------------------------------------------
Q1. Why do men become smarter during sex?

A. They are plugged into a genius.

Q2. Why don't women blink during sex?

A. There is never enough time.

Q3. Why does it take one million sperm to fertilise one egg?

A. They do not stop to ask for directions.

Q4. Why do men snore when they lie on their backs?

A. Their balls fall over their A-hole and cause vapour lock.

Q5. Why were men given larger brains than dogs?

A. So they will not hump women's legs.

Q6. Why did God make man before woman?

A. Everyone makes a rough draft before a final copy.

Q7. How many men does it take to put a toilet seat down?

A. No-one knows. It has never happened.

Q8. Why did God put men on earth?

A. A vibrator cannot mow the lawn.
------------------------------------------------------

Until a child tells you what they are thinking, we can't even begin to imagine how their mind is working....

Little Zack was doing very badly in Maths. His parents had tried everything...tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centres. In short, everything they could think of to help improve his Maths.
Finally, in a last ditch effort, they enrolled Zack in the local Catholic school. After his first day, little Zack came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.

Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zack was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.

To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.
This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Zack brought home his school report. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his mother looked at it and to her great surprise, Zack had received an 'A' in Maths. She could no longer hold her curiosit.. She went to his room and said, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Zack looked at her, shook his head, and carried on studying. 'Well, then," she replied, "Was it the books ...the discipline...the structure...the uniforms? What was it?!"

Little Zack looked at her and with a sombre expression replied, "It was the first Maths lesson I had on that first day of school. When I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."
Young enough to know I can.
Old enough to know I shouldn't.
Stupid enough to do it anyway.

"'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This parrot is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! ... 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX PARROT!!"

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Re: Jokes

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Lorrim on Tue Jul 17, 2012 5:50 pm

Forgot how to throw a boomerang. But then it came back to me.

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Re: Jokes

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Pitch-Black on Thu Jul 19, 2012 3:03 pm

Girls never fart.
Why?
Because they don't have assholes until their married.
((sorry for the curse))
Smile

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Re: Jokes

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Ms. Fyrefli on Thu Jul 19, 2012 3:29 pm

Her Diary
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; he said, "Nothing". I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you too". When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly and watched T.V. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About fifteen minutes later, he came to bed, but I still felt that he was distracted, and that his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep. I cried. I don't know what to do. I am almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.



His Diary
Motorcycle won't start ... can't figure out why.

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Re: Jokes

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby The Sickness on Thu Jul 19, 2012 4:05 pm

This old man is sitting outside a pub one night and this little old lady sits down beside of him.
She says to him with a smile on her face.
"I'll bet just by playing with you, I can tell you how old you are."
The old man is astounded by this statement and promptly replies.
'Prove it."
So undoes his pants and she does her thing, a few minutes later she says quickly. "95"
He replies this time with totaal wonder in his voice.
"How did you know?!"
She counters with a sly smile "You silly old fool you told me inside while we were waiting on the drinks."

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Re: Jokes

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Ms. Fyrefli on Thu Jul 19, 2012 4:15 pm

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $100 in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the Franklin's face on the box and, according to you, that's the same as putting it in'.

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