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Kitchen Kapers (Sato Tries/Fails to Cook Food)

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Kitchen Kapers (Sato Tries/Fails to Cook Food)

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby ViceVersus on Fri Aug 17, 2012 2:42 pm

I'll make someone a great wife one day.

Image


From the INNOVATIVE mind of ViceVersus comes her newest culinary creation.

CUSTOMER REVIEWS: "I absolutely ADORE the contrast between the crunchy, burned cheese and the soft, flavorless zucchini! Five stars!"

INGREDIENTS:

½ Zucchini
2 eggs
Some onion
Some colby cheese
Liberal amounts of olive oil
A tiny slab of butter
1 pinch of "Five Spices"
1 pinch of chill powder
A few drops of Frank's Red Hot
1 tub of Jalepeno Barbecue sauce from Burger King

INSTRUCTIONS:

Spray your pan with olive oil. That's not enough. There you go. Set pan aside.

Slice half of your zucchini up. The width of your pieces are going to vary no matter what you do because you'll be trying to do it super fast, and imitate the chefs you see on TV.

Spread zucchini in pan. Crack one egg into the pan. Put the butter in.

Turn heat up all the way, walk away from stove to check Facebook on laptop. Don't return until you hear sizzling.

If you notice the egg has browned and is sticking to the pan, spray more olive oil on, stir it with a wooden fork, then feel free to go back to your computer and keep watching that one video.

Gradually add more onion.

Begin to worry that the egg is slowly disintegrating from the heat, while the vegetable doesn't appear cooked.

Add another egg.

Add your cheese. Don't bother grating it, you're too lazy! Don't even take it out of the tupperware, either. Stab at it from the top, slicing off misshapen hunks.

Gather the hunks and drop them in the pan. Stir. Go back to your laptop.

Repeat until smoke actually starts coming from the burned cheese sticking to the pan.

OPTIONAL: Take the pan and rush outside on the porch.

Once this has been completed, use the wooden fork to plop the barbecue sauce into the pan. Stir. Add the pinches of spices. You don't know what they do, but there are a ton of them in the cupboard so you might as well go to town.

Add a few drops of Frank's Red Hot, and then take a swig straight from the bottle because no one else in your house uses it anyways.

Find an adequate plate, scrape off what remains. Put the pan in the sink.

Enjoy! Serves one.
Image

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ViceVersus
Member for 17 years
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Re: Kitchen Kapers (Sato Tries/Fails to Cook Food)

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Vexar on Sat Aug 18, 2012 8:01 pm

I remember this one.

This is much like that "Item left in the refrigerator for three months and is now intimidating you from throwing it away, much less open the container to see what spoils await." Though I'd say the refrigerator item looks better, it is a cold food.

I'll rate this on a scale of one to 417 with one being bad... 417 being taco bell, 200 being that odd smell on my pinky finger, 57 being fantastic, and 334.5 being moderately above average.

My rating is 400.

Also, it reminds me of something left behind a toilet or toilet trash can for too long. +4 points for creativity.

Tip jar: the author of this post has received 0.00 INK in return for their work.

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Vexar
Member for 17 years
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