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Need feedback for a story/roleplay

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Need feedback for a story/roleplay

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby TheFinalOne on Wed Mar 07, 2012 2:36 pm

Let me get straight to the plot and the world: (it will be kinda messy, just stay with me)
there are two planes in this universe; immortal plane and mortal plane.

immortal plane: where the immortal stay.
mortal plane: where man and the semi-mortals stay.

how a immortal is born: the only difference between a mortal and an immortal is a that a certain part of their genes are different. So, a mortal and woman can give birth to an immortal. immortals can mate with mortals but not with other immortals.

how a semi-mortal is born: a semi-mortal is a person who does not make it to the 'Phase Changer' in time. ie. when a person discovers he is immortal, he must reach these 'Phase Changers' within 2 weeks. Else he turns into a semi-mortal.

there are 4 main types of semi-mortals(all can be killed by a silver stake to the heart.):
lycan: they were the first semi-mortals. now extinct.
zombies: most common types of semi-mortals. they are formed the man had lived a lazy life. hence the rotting brain. for the first 600 years they are fine, but then they start loosing their mind(at which point the vampires and werewolves must kill them).
vampire: they are formed if the man killed another person before knowing he was immortal.
werewolves: they are formed if the man lived a voilent life but didn't kill anyone.
(zombies, vampire and werewolves are modeled after their mythological selves but in my story have some differences)
(there is a lot more but explaining it will take a lot of time)

'Phase Changer': it is the portal to the immortal plane.

date : may 1, 2077.
the twelve strongest immortals were attending the round conference after the Great War Of The Old Gods. they were thinking about reseting the human plane(yes the immortals can reset the human plane. it is a lengthy concept but in short, the human plane is pretty much wiped clean and started anew). but during the meeting someone places a curse on them. they know the culprit is one of them. and so begins a cold war-like scenario.

on earth at the same time:
the vampires declare war on the werewolves. this is not unexpected. they have fought against each other in many battles. But it the timing that worries the werewolves. the many zombies created during the baby booming era of the 1457-1600s are started to loose their minds. if the werewolves fight the vampires who will kill the zombies?

on earth at same time human storyline: see video:
a man is asked by a secret society to arm and launch the nukes in a base in nevada. will he be successful. and what does the video have to do with this man.

this is pretty much the thing. What i want to ask is is the concept good? and how will one incorporate this in a roleplay?
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Re: Need feedback for a story/roleplay

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby RogueMinstrel on Fri Mar 09, 2012 8:29 am

If you are looking for honest and thorough opinions as well as how it might be incorporated in to a RP then we really do need a lot more information. I noticed you said that there are a lot of differences with your vampires and werewolves but that explaining them will take a lot of time. I hate to break it to you but creating a RP (or any story for that matter) is going to take A LOT more time and if you are not willing to go more in depth with what your story is about as well as the specific details then I do not see good things for your RP.

Creating a RP or any story takes a lot of dedication and patience and what you have got here is but the shallow skeleton of the first step to doing so. We need to know exactly what is different about your vampires and werewolves (as well as other mythological creatures) as well as why they are different.

I would love to give you my opinion on your idea but I am afraid I simply do not have enough information. I fear that it will likely be the same for anyone else who attempts to offer any sort of critique. Take your time; flesh everything out; make not just the details clear to use but the crevices of those details.


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Re: Need feedback for a story/roleplay

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby frustratedly on Wed May 16, 2012 8:25 pm

I think this would be too complicated for a story, but would be okay for a RP, if you were willing to put forth a little more effort in the plot and overall explanation. I, for one, got lost in the descriptions... but that's just me.

The idea is good, you just need some more detail so people that would join your rp would know what they've gotten themselves into...

Also, if you were to turn this into a rp (which you might have already, for all I know), you would need a way for everyone to understand where the characters are, what the characters are, what each character is supposedly doing, and so on. There's so many character options, that it may be just too difficult...
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