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opinions please?

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opinions please?

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Azmodai2 on Mon Mar 19, 2007 6:38 pm

NOTE: Pretty much all the names and places are made-up, the setting is pseudo-Appleseed/ ghost in the shell with emphasis on the pilots of the big armored suits (land-mates in Appleseed, I don’t know any other name for them, they’re the things the ESWAT pilots) Im just asking for advice and if anyone thinks this is a plausible or salvagale beginning to an RP


Paradise City

Rain. The rain saturated the broken cityscape, it drenched the shattered buildings and fallen pieces of masonry. The rain seeped into the dank subway system with a drip-drip-drip. It washed the dust-covered streets cleaned and exposed pot-holes, craters and cracks in the forgotten and unused streets. A low rumble reverberates through a street as three black, hulking, suits glide through the downpour, water droplets splashing off the flat black armor of the land-mates. At a signal form the lead suit there was a shimmer and nothing but a distorted image of the suits was left. The suits disengaged their hover engines and touched down lightly on the broken road, at which point they slipped into a nearby building whose front had been shorn off by who-knows-what kind of munitions.

Red Sun City: Red Sun Regular Army HQ

Three men, all in deep green military uniforms draped with medals and awards, stood around a holo-field table with the map of the ruins of nearby paradise city overlaid on a grid. Groups of three green triangles dotted the translucent landscape and some were moving in a northerly direction. To the north of the triangles were little red triangles, vastly outnumbering the greens, all of the red triangles were in groups of five. The men seemed to grumble among themselves until a fourth man stepped into the room. He was elderly, wearing a faded and worn uniform and carrying a simple military cap. He sighed as he walked in, the deep lines on his face seemed to emphasize the man’s tired appearance and his bloodshot eyes only contributed to the look. “What’s the situation,� the older man said as he slumped into a black armchair at one end of the table, his nametag, Ozlin, jingling lightly.. “Not good, sir, our forces are outnumbered 5 to 1 and the enemies dug in deep all along north side of the city, they have units posted at all the key bridges over the Pallis River, which runs straight through the city, and it looks like they’re going to make a push for the local field command within the month.� The reply was issued from a young, crisp officer with short black neatly combed hair and an immaculately clean and pressed uniform, his nametag was polished and sat perfectly on his left pocket, it read Alberlin. “Recall half the sweeper teams to the second level perimeter of the field command and consolidate the other half along River, post double sentries at the bridges and have our sniper teams set-up to cover as many of them as we can. If we lose the city then we lose our biggest forward base protecting Red Sun. Bastards from Lucretia aren’t setting on step past that river if our boys have anything to say about it, how many suits do we have left active?� “Eighteen, nine are standard fit combat, three are snipers, three are Recon suits and the last three are Captain Hellan and his command suits,� replied a middle-aged officer in a black uniform, his nametag read Mafta. “That should be enough to hold the southern sector until we can re-deploy, call all units and inform them we’re on Protocol 817 and no quarter is to be given, under any circumstances,� Ozlin replied, then he turned to the holo-image and mused over the placement of his troops, some of the groups adjusting to the new orders. “Make your move Lucretia…�

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Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Lord Saladin on Tue Mar 20, 2007 8:00 am

Azmodai2, this looks very good for the start of an RP.

The best thing to do is post it into the relevant forum, and also in the RP Advertisement thread. I will happily join in if I can get a little more info as I have never actually watched Appleseed.

Also, I like your writing as well. That piece was quite well written.

If you are wanting any advice about anything at all, do not hesitate to contact me or any other member f staff, either through this thread, or directly via PM. We will all be happy to help you out.

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Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Azmodai2 on Tue Mar 20, 2007 8:14 pm

thansk hers an updated version, yay or nay?

NOTE: Pretty much all the names and places are made-up, the setting is pseudo-Appleseed/ ghost in the shell with emphasis on the pilots of the big armored suits (land-mates in Appleseed, I don’t know any other name for them, they’re the things the ESWAT pilots)

Lucretia City

Simulated trumpets blared over the public announcement system as the whole city tuned in. “I give you your Emporer!� a dignitary announced over the intercom. A slow, deep resonating voice began to speak, “Citizens of the Lucretian Empire, dwellers of my capital city, hear me! We have our hated foe, the fools of Red Sun, on their heels, we are pushing them back in a huge offensive as I speak to you this very moment! Long has Red Sun been a thorn in the side of our glorious Empire and with this alst pocket of resistance stamped out Lucretians everywhere may rejoice! Our conquest will be complete! I ask all of you to commit yourselves totally to our most noble cause! The unification of the northern continent under the Lucretian banner!� The intercom shut off and the people who had stopped to listen began to mill about the streets once more, some were visibly heartened others seemed unaffected, a somber few looked worried. In the Emporeres throne room the scene was serene. The old Emperor had adorned himself in all manner of opulence and he retired to his trone to muse over recent tidings. The resistance Red Sun City had put up was formidable, indeed they were determined not to come under the control of the empire. But why? Why would they deny the so obvious enlightenment he offered? He had given them the same ultimatum every other city had received: convert or be swept away by the tide that is the Imperial Army. Yet they still chose to refuse and fight, clinging to their outdated notions of freedom and justice. He was freedom, He was justice, He was the Empire and He impressed his will down upon His people. The Emperor smiled to himself, “yes� he thought, “I AM justice, and these imbeciles from Red Sun will bow to MY will.� The Emperor rose from his seat and looked out a huge window across his city. The modern styled buildings and ill-lit streets lent a feeling of somberness to the whole area and the skyscrapers blotted out the sun over much of the down-town area. Groups of Imperial soldiers patrolled the city, enforcing it’s already oppressive (innovative and intelligent to the Emperor, who had wrote them himself) laws. “Ah my old friend Adam Ozlin, why do you choose to fight me? In the end there has always been only one fate for you…� The Emperor smiled to himself and retired to his room, he had a city to destroy.

Paradise City

Rain. The rain saturated the broken cityscape, it drenched the shattered buildings and fallen pieces of masonry. The rain seeped into the dank subway system with a drip-drip-drip. It washed the dust-covered streets cleaned and exposed pot-holes, craters and cracks in the forgotten and unused streets. A low rumble reverberates through a street as three black, hulking, suits glide through the downpour, water droplets splashing off the flat black armor of the land-mates. At a signal form the lead suit there was a shimmer and nothing but a distorted image of the suits was left. The suits disengaged their hover engines and touched down lightly on the broken road, at which point they slipped into a nearby building whose front had been shorn off by who-knows-what kind of munitions.

The comm-link buzzed- “Hey Capn’ how logn you think this damn ran will hold?� Captain Hellan glanced at his HUD, Elenes was the one who had buzzed him. “I’m not sure, and until we have orders to move out we’re staying here, you and McConnell establish a perimeter, I’m going to clear out the interior so our suits’ll fit better� Hellan replied over his radio. A green acknowledgement light flashed on his HUD as Elenes and McConnell began to check the perimeter of the building. Hellan began to walk hsis uit through the shattered remains of what appeared to have once been a huge office building. Pieces of dry wall, cubicle walls and broken and warped steel beams lat scatterd on the first floor, he began to push rubble out of the way making a clearing approximately 1000 square feet. No new orders in three days, communications with High Command were down. Hellan spoke the voice command for standby mode and his suit hunkered down into a kneeling position. This was the worst part, the waiting.

Red Sun City: Red Sun Regular Army HQ

Three men, all in deep green military uniforms draped with medals and awards, stood around a holo-field table with the map of the ruins of nearby paradise city overlaid on a grid. Groups of three green triangles dotted the translucent landscape and some were moving in a northerly direction. To the north of the triangles were little red triangles, vastly outnumbering the greens, all of the red triangles were in groups of five. The men seemed to grumble among themselves until a fourth man stepped into the room. He was elderly, wearing a faded and worn uniform and carrying a simple military cap. He sighed as he walked in, the deep lines on his face seemed to emphasize the man’s tired appearance and his bloodshot eyes only contributed to the look. “What’s the situation,� the older man said as he slumped into a black armchair at one end of the table, his nametag, Ozlin, jingling lightly.. “Not good, sir, our forces are outnumbered 5 to 1 and the enemies dug in deep all along north side of the city, they have units posted at all the key bridges over the Pallis River, which runs straight through the city, and it looks like they’re going to make a push for the local field command within the month.� The reply was issued from a young, crisp officer with short black neatly combed hair and an immaculately clean and pressed uniform, his nametag was polished and sat perfectly on his left pocket, it read Alberlin. “Recall half the sweeper teams to the second level perimeter of the field command and consolidate the other half along River, post double sentries at the bridges and have our sniper teams set-up to cover as many of them as we can. If we lose the city then we lose our biggest forward base protecting Red Sun. Bastards from Lucretia aren’t setting on step past that river if our boys have anything to say about it, how many suits do we have left active?� “Eighteen, nine are standard fit combat, three are snipers, three are Recon suits and the last three are Captain Hellan and his command suits,� replied a middle-aged officer in a black uniform, his nametag read Mafta. “That should be enough to hold the southern sector until we can re-deploy, call all units and inform them we’re on Protocol 817 and no quarter is to be given, under any circumstances,� Ozlin replied, then he turned to the holo-image and mused over the placement of his troops, some of the groups adjusting to the new orders. “Make your move Lucretia…�

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