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A Possible Story?

a topic in The Writer's Lounge, a part of the RPG forum.

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A place for original short stories, fanfiction, essays, and the like.

A Possible Story?

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby RoarKittyRoar on Sun Mar 30, 2014 12:40 am

Hey you guys (And gals) ! I've been writing stories for a couple years now, but I always feel like they're not good enough. How's this for the prologue?


The building exits were blocked by people. There was no use in escaping now. They would catch up with me, and I was sure that I didn't want that to happen. All of a sudden, I started to feel dizzy and frail. I heard the sirens, and that was the worst feeling of all. Knowing that they're here just for you. Looking around, I realized that I could hide in the crowd like always. I had a thing for blending in with the crowds considering I've been hiding all my life.

Yet, they always seemed to find us. The hybrids. At least that's what they call us. Years ago, the world was taken over by another species, The Xniyn. These alien-type creatures looked exactly like humans, but deadlier. The Xniyn killed the humans' soul, and they put them in a robot's body. These robots still looked sort of human, except for the nuts and bolts where their joints should be. Because of this, nature gave a curse to The Xniyn clan. At birth, Xniyn babies had two souls. The dominant soul had to get rid of the other one, but sometimes... Both souls would stay. These people are the hybrid, and I'm one of them. I just keep it a secret.

I wrote the first chapter already... But I'm not sure if I should actually keep it. Is it good enough? Anything I should change? Thanks for your time! :3

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Re: A Possible Story?

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby ViceVersus on Sun Mar 30, 2014 1:10 am

Hey there, RoarKittyRoar! My name is Sato, and I'm a longtime member around these parts. It's always nice to see folks posting here in the Creative Realm. I want to encourage you to keep posting, of course. I think this is a great place to start!

There's a lot of mystery and intrigue that you've introduced us here right away. The only thing I would comment on is that I want to see more! A prologue has to be intense and exciting, to draw the reader in to experiencing more. Your opening line "the building exits were blocked by people" implies something really gripping, but I want to see those people blocking the building exit, I don't want to just be told about it. It's the age-old writing quip of "show, don't tell."

I'm still interested in knowing about hybrids, the different clans, and why this protagonist is running. Those are interesting, and make me want to read more. Just remember that your audience are going to try and fit themselves into your world, and they need to settle themselves in with their mind's eye. Be descriptive, but concrete! :)

I think it's a wonderful start, and I really hope you take the time to share more!
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Re: A Possible Story?

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby SeeThoseStars on Mon May 26, 2014 11:36 am

Hello :)
I love your prologue! Its extremely interesting and I'm very intruiged! If you continue adding passion into your idea, I'm sure you'll create something amazing! I hope you continue writing.
However, if you yourself don't like your writing or feel you'll get bored by it, I suggest you don't continue.
Love it though ^^
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Because Castiel is cooler than you

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