Practice Roleplay - Holy|Orders & Modesty

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Practice Roleplay - Holy|Orders & Modesty

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Modesty on Fri Nov 23, 2012 4:09 pm

The following is a practice roleplay with the goal of mentoring Holy|Orders into expanding descriptions, word count and learning words for explaining battle maneuvers.





"As long as mankind shall continue to bestow more liberal applause on their
destroyers than on their benefactors, the thirst of military glory will ever be
the vice of exalted characters.
~Edward Gibbon"


It was a quotation against war; a simple game that marred man’s history for generations and generations. The books of the past, however, told naught but that history was destined to repeat; any peace was Carthagian peace, and war was just at an intermural. Scholars and youth demonstrated through the years that man kind would be destroyed by their own hand, and that technology was damning them. War still raged, and technology still advanced– centuries, millennia passed. Blood stained the lands and hands of soldiers, but still the world went on. The demonstrators died and were replaced, but none could predicted how war would effect the future.

Man separated; some fled, some fought. They divided themselves into rebellions, and pledges to either side, but they were naught but fickle pawns in the games of war. One nation swore oath to the silver moon above, the other nation to the golden sun. Each side swore to deity and man alike that they were the better, more righteous. Neither side would back down, both led by arrogance and pride. It seemed that total obliteration of all and everything was all that would stop the war. And in full knowledge of this, still the war raged on.

Rain. It was the first in weeks. The ground was hard, dry and cracked– the water wasn’t being absorbed. The thunderstorm had broken in the early morning and already the world beneath the clouds was flooding. Thunder boomed over head, cracking as the Gods protested the war; or was it the war itself? It was impossible to tell. Lightening struck the dead sticks near by; it had once been a forest but now only charcoal and ash remained. The flashes played eerie shadows across the darkened world, and silhouettes danced at the edge of his visions.

Nathaniel took refuge beneath the front porch of a dilapidated old church. Once the building had been an architectural masterpiece; there was still shards of a plaque announcing that it was a preserved piece of ancient history. It was only rubble now. The majority of the roof had caved, and the steeple lay in pieces to the side. Still, the front pillars held enough shelter over a few dozen steps to keep him clear of the rain.
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Re: Practice Roleplay - Holy|Orders & Modesty

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Holy|Orders on Sat Nov 24, 2012 2:34 am

"What do we have here.Another one."Damian said anxious.As he swored loyalty to the moon,it was his job to eliminate the ones who swored to be loyal forevor to the sun.Slowly walking he observed the ruins of what it was a great city.Rain,it rained frustrating Damian as he had an heavy armor on him and the mud was surely slowing his steps.

Slowly walking Damian laughed at the sight of the dead corpses that was filling the city streets.Now the blood mixed with the rain creating an red,and maybe to some an disgusting mud.
Hearing something he turned back only to see a children."Food sir please."The child told him.The boy was pretty weakned and scaried."No mercy to those who worship the moon."Looking at the child he took out his crossbow and launched an arrow which penetrated it's chest.

So much cruelity from a person who believed that his cause was the right one.Still his scope was clear,show no mercy to those who aren't serving the moon."Soldiers look for survivors.Childrens,womens,mens i don't care kill them all." "Yes Captains>"The soldiers shouted then spreaded to look for the ones who were condemned to suffer from this war.
His attention was caught up by a church who had suffered great damages.
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Re: Practice Roleplay - Holy|Orders & Modesty

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Modesty on Sat Nov 24, 2012 4:06 am

Mentor Notes:

I think you have a good grasp on ideas and concepts. It will be the language barrier that will require the most amount of work to overcome. Things like proper pluralization are often difficult when translating into English: child vs children. I think if you type up your responses in a program like Microsoft Word that has an automatic spelling and grammar check it will help clear up much of the issues you are having. Before posting, read your post out loud. Any place that requires you to take a breath will generally require punctuation. For instance, when you say 'Damian said anxious' out loud there is a natural pause between said and anxious, which is why it should be: Damian said, anxious.

I'm not sure how fluent you are in English. Do you use a translator?




Nathaniel took another drag of his cigarette. He’d just lost the last of his regime; both worshippers of sun and worshippers of moon lay scattered throughout the field around the church. Damn them. Damn them all to hell. He was growing tired of the war.

It was sound that drew his attention upwards, watching enemies weave their way through the corpses in search of survivors. While he hadn’t heard the words of the Captain’s orders, he knew their kind and what kind of action they would take: no survivors. His hand didn’t stray to his weapon yet. They had yet to notice him. He, Nathaniel, the only survivor of the Seventh Regimen in the Legion of the Sun. Any moment he knew that that Captain would look up and see him there on the steps to the fallen cathedral, and the order would come, and the fighting would resume. In the last few moments of peace he savored the cigarette that was his only escape from the gory world that lay at his feet.

In the quiet recesses of his mind he wondered if there would ever be a peace between the two nations once more. For all their set ideas and egocentricism they both strode for the same things: glory of their Gods, long and prestigious lives for their people. A new notion of balance was surfacing through the populace, a rebellion on the wind. Would it be Kings that laid aside their egos first, or soldiers their swords? So many lives had been lost in selfish pursuits already.

The cigarette was cast from his lips to the pavement floor, ground into it with the toe of his boot. The ember was extiguished with easy, compatible to the lives that flickered out of existence so easily with a slash of his sword. Cold, tired eyes rose from the ashes to look to the field. Men, soldiers, made their way towards him. Any moment now he'd have to take to sword again. Fight, or perish. Win, or lose. Nathaniel sighed.

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Re: Practice Roleplay - Holy|Orders & Modesty

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Holy|Orders on Sat Nov 24, 2012 6:15 am

(well i have hight notes at english but i am also using an translator in order to be sure that there are no mistakes and that the words are written corectly.yes about the language barrier you are right,i being from another country i don't have a source from which let us say that i could learn english.Well i am at high school my english teacher suggested me that i should watch movies/read books in english and etc.)


Damian decided that it would be better to trick the ones who were hiding in order to not waste soldiers on useless fights."Get out soldiers of the mighty and powerful sun.We will offer you food and water,no one is gonna kill you if you are talented warriors.We make use of good enemies"The Captain, of the Left Army,of Moon shouted hoping that someone will fall into his trap.Words as mighty and powerful associated with the sun were a humiliation for him still a humiliation that he could endure. He never cared about honor or truth on the battlefield as he considered these two things a waste. .

In the meantime his soldiers came after a few minutes reporting him that the survivors who were found were killed.At his orders they started to hide in the area.His plan was simple,trap the one who would come in his way."If someone arrives launch arrows but don't kill him.They must be tortured."He told them waiting,being sure that there were warriors even one.He shouted trying to be convincing, hoping that someone will fall in his trap"Soldiers go to our camp i will remain alone in the city.All of them are dead"

Damian wanted at least one soldier from the enemies to be alive.He wanted to return as a hero in his nation bringing this soldier alongside him as a war prize.The captain was hungering for power while he was waiting.in the meantime Damian was thinking at a way of torture with could amuse him and the soldiers.

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Re: Practice Roleplay - Holy|Orders & Modesty

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Modesty on Fri Nov 30, 2012 4:53 pm

Mentor Notes:

Hm. Try running your posts through this before posting it. It’s a free online spelling and grammar check. You may have to break up your posts, because there is a rather short word limit, but it might help correct your sentences a little more.

I would say your teacher is right. When you immerse yourself in a language, supposedly, you learn it faster- watching movies or reading roleplays like this will help you.

I caution you against a translator. While it may be necessary for now, some words and tenses do not translate properly. It creates a broken form of English that is not correct, and may interrupt your learning process. Again, I’m not an English teacher, so this is my opinion.

With all that said and done, though, I think you’re doing extremely well considering the language difference.




“Soldiers: go to our camp. I will remain alone in the city. All of them are dead.”

The words carried across the battlefield on the wind. The ringing of steel on steel had ceased, and now a silence set in. Nathaniel could hear the soldiers retreating. He saw the Captain, standing alone in the field. He felt, in his bones, the trap being set. Despite it all, the battle hardened warrior smiled to himself. How stupid did they think he was? His body was riddled with scars from past wars; each a mistake he had learned from, each a badge of honour and testament to his resilience. If they couldn’t read his figure he would show them.

Nathaniel reached out to his sword, gripping the hilt that was worn away from years of use. Despite the comfortable groove that had been warn away the edge was far from dull; honed, sharpened. He rose to his feet in a swift and agile motion, weighing the weapon in his hand to find the balance. It was then that his eyes rose, looking out to the lone figure.

Lazy, long strides carried him down the stairs and to the field. He stepped past bodies, friend and foe, heading towards the enemy. His voice wrung out, wrought with amusement. “Might as well call them back, they’re all dead at my hand anyways.”

Always so cocky.

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Re: Practice Roleplay - Holy|Orders & Modesty

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Holy|Orders on Sat Dec 01, 2012 6:03 am

"When a person is surrounded he must keep his mouth quiet.Or it will kill him."
Damian said arrogant,even if the one whe tried to fool didn't falled into the trap he was surrounded by enemy soldiers.The soldiers were aiming with their bows at the survivor waiting for him to make a mistake.

"Bring my weapon and armor."The Captain ordored and soldier came and gave him an golden bow and 2 metal arrows and also the shining white armor which seemed to be an great armor for an captain maybe to great.As Damian was the son of an well knowed general this was a special armor made for him.Damian looked again at the man who had shown the courage to appear.Then he launched the arrows,toward his legs.Nathaniel's faith was decided or this he thinked.

The city was in ruins the last enemy survivor was here.Still Nathaniel would not be killed,Damian wanted to make him a sclave and to humiliate him from now on.What he done and the way he tricked his enemies,this great battle which Damian winned it was something that will make him powerful and also would increase his rank in the army.

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Re: Practice Roleplay - Holy|Orders & Modesty

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Modesty on Tue Dec 11, 2012 4:40 pm

Mentor Notes:

I again urge you to use the spelling and grammar check. It is apparent you have yet to try it out. This will point out errors in your punctuation, and offer corrections for incorrect tenses on your words. (Ie; fall, fell vs. falled). Or just outright false words like “sclave”.

As to increasing post length, there are many things you can do. If there is one action you would like your post centered around then you can offer explanations as to why your character is doing this. Many times this kind of information is called “fluff”… some don’t like it, others do. I happen to like it. You can describe the area around them, what the setting looks like, the weather, their clothing, their weapons. You can also begin to add in backstory. How did they get their weapon? Why do they have a thirst for power? Why does he want to enslave him over killing him? Etc.





It was with his peripherals that Nathaniel could see the lurking soldiers, skirting on the edge of the battlefield. They stood amongst trees and gravely wounded bodies, restlessly watching their captain as he approached. He was not certain whether it was a lust for blood or loyalty that caused them to remain against orders, but the crowd lingered all the same.

“Oh, come on now. I thought were on an honour system here.” He quipped, that same smile playing across bloodstained lips. “We can go at this mano et mano, one on one.”

He let the words sink in as the man was brought his weapons. They, like he, looked battle weary and bathed in dirt. Already the stench from rotting corpses had set in, and above the carrion circled. It was only a matter of time before one of them joined it, and with all his strength and heart and ego he knew it was not going to be himself. His eyes flashed, smile turning to grin to expose surprisingly white teeth.

“… Unless you’re chicken, Captain?” The title was said, mockingly, trying to bring out some of the anger that his enemies were known for.

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Re: Practice Roleplay - Holy|Orders & Modesty

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Holy|Orders on Wed Dec 12, 2012 7:57 am

"I downloaded that program. it is very good in fact I didn't expect to be so good.
and about damian what is your opinion about him until now?what should i improve at damian and etc."

The Captain hearing Nathaniel started laughing.. Then he saw a fire arrow in the sky. The General that he was serving, entered the city."Idiot why should I fight in a battle that I already won?"The Captain asked
Damian wanted so much to enslave Nathaniel. In this way he would increase his fame and power. Not only this, he also hoped to become a general like his father but by using other methods then him.

Their God was insulted many years before the first war, and so from that moment everyone from Damian's family fought in every war between the two nations.
Proud of his weapon and armor that were made from precious metals, he always put a soldier to carry them on the battlefield.

He kneeled on the ground then bowed one time toward the sky while he said"God of the Moon I am grateful for your help.
The Captain then lifted from the ground."Well what are you going to do now?"He asked proudly about the situation. The General and his men entered the city from all the 4 gates of the city and so the remaining enemy had no chance of escaping.

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Re: Practice Roleplay - Holy|Orders & Modesty

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Modesty on Wed Dec 19, 2012 3:23 pm

Mentor Notes:

You needn’t download anything. The link will take you to a website where you can input your information to be checked directly.

When you’re wanting to increase your word count in your posts you wanted to give information on your character(s), plot direction and multiple points for your partner to work with. If you do not offer these things it becomes: character 1 does this, character 2 responses like this, character 1 answers like this. Information is needed for progression. I’ve lead by example in the following:

- My character offers a fight or fix choice.
- NPCs / ghosts offer additional background action.
- Conversation engaged.
- History / backstory offered to give more information to build future posts from.



The arrow did not go unseen by Nathaniel. The flaming projection was harbinger to more; the full force of their army was coming. Time became sensitive… One man was no match for a whole army. Still, he was not alone. What his opponent thought he had destroyed still existed elsewhere. His men, now slaughtered, were only a scouting party. Thousands more lay beyond the ridges of the city just waiting for his signal. Despite the ability to call in forces and engage in a full scale war, Nathaniel sought treaty.

“How about we let these petty crimes against one another go and have a drink together?” A smile still tugged at his lips. It was an absurd request, and one he was nearly certain would be declined. Still, when the history books were written he wanted someone out there to know that at least he tried.

The amusement dropped, voice low and serious. “Don’t make me kill your men. There are other ways we can decide our fates…”

His voice trailed off. While he had direct orders from his own Emperor it didn’t mean he agree with the task at hand. All the gold in the world wouldn’t buy back is morality or pay for his sins, and the weight of the bloodshed was now making this all the more clear. Night and day had coexisted sine the dawn of time, each taking reign in their respective mornings and evenings. Could their people not do the same?

Honour, pride, greed, ego. These said no. Nathaniel sighed and readied his sword. He would not go without a fight.

Meanwhile, however, in the broken down buildings and shattered trees there were figures moving. Shadows flickered, there and gone, barely seen and barely recognizable. The ghosts of the city, it seemed, were coming to watch the fight.

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Re: Practice Roleplay - Holy|Orders & Modesty

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Holy|Orders on Wed Dec 19, 2012 5:52 pm

We shall drink celebrating your death."Damian pointed although he was nervous. The first time he saw one man resisting against a large force. Still after thinking he already knew what he shall do."I am.."The captain was prepared to say when his soldiers started shouting at him"Fight, fight, fight, fight."The soldiers were encouraging their captain to fight to show the power of their nation against the enemies.

The general looked at Damian while he said in his mind that the captain should fight with the enemy to prove honor. Although he knew what kind of person Damian was.But the general was worried that he came in the city with only half of his army and that in this area he was the only general from his country,the other generals from his country fighting in another zones.From nowhere a large group of crows landed on the battlefield, strangely they were looking at Damian and were going near him. In fact a crow landed on his shoulder, this thing causing Damian to be scared. The first time when he was scared.

He dropped his sword and looked at the sky then fell on the ground."Let him leave,now!I don't want to be killed,let him to leave now.The soldier who will disobey my order will be killed."He ordered scaried to his soldiers then shouted,as the crows started approaching even more making a circle around him.Damian considered this eveniment to be sign,a sign that could tell him that he will die if he continues on this path.Hearing this the look on the soldiers faces changed from loyalty and respect to hate and disgust.

"Only because you are the son of an great general i will not kill you."The general told to Damian approaching him.He was furious because of what he ordered because he thinked that a captain order's would be taken more seriously than general's order.But also because he was scaried by something he thinked to be normal.For him to give that kind of order it was something that was punished with death.With his sword he cut off Damian's hand with his sword.
As Damian was screaming the crows disbanded the circle and started eating his hand but one crow remained on Damian's shoulder looking at him.

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