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Tips: 0.00 INK Postby SWAT-Calibur on Tue Apr 03, 2007 3:47 am

Well then I guess I will..

A thick, gastly mist began to settle upon the dew covoured grass that covered a vast acrage of seven acres. This mist became almost unbearable for a natural human to even dare step foot into, creating the fact that they couldn't see their hand if they placed it two inches infront of their smug faces. But not every human was "natural." A being, standing around 5'11" began to walk through this horrific mist in a pair of black cargo pants that sagged past his buttox, revealing his plaid boxers. With each step this man took into this mist, he'd have to pull up his pants to prevent them from reaching the dew soaked ground.

The man that stepped into the mist would slightly chuckle beneath his soft, unimportant breathe's as he could see clearly to the other side. He continued to step, his feet slipping into the mud that was formed by the rapidly increasing dew. The man reached about six feet into the shrouding mist and began to move his chapped, black lips in motions that sycronized with his tounge, "Damn this is a thick mist to be in."

The man walked a few more feet, his black, jungle recon combat boots drenched in mud, leaving footprints behind him, that could lead anyone to his position. A few more soft laughs came from beneath the mans tone. He stopped about five feet past the seven he had just stopped at and bowed his head as he clapped his right palm and left palm together, creating an echoing sound. With these motions he muttered to himself, "Zabuza, may this lucious attack resume it's glory."

The palms that had just clapped together began to move into different motions. The muscles in the hands began to tense with over thirty hand-signs perfected to their limits as chakra began to arise from the mans body, "Water Dragon Jutsu."

Within seconds, the mist that was just clouding the area fell to the ground, mixing with the dew. Following the mist, was a constant wave of chakra that slowly began to mix all the elements of water together in a horrific figure of un-imaginable stregnths, a water dragon. The figure only started as a head, but as the water's and chakra flowed as one, a behemoth of a dragon arose, water taking it's form as it appeared almost alive.

((Well, yeah, I guess that's as simple as I want to get with this thing.))

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Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Circ on Sun May 06, 2007 9:56 am

1.) Sometimes in writing the use of repetition can be effective, but given how you use it (covoured grass that covered and
acrage of seven acres), it seems out of place and ineffectively executed.

2.) I know it is the in thing to go into wordy descriptions of character attire, but I think it is poor taste and detracts from the overall story. Try only describing what is necessary about the character and no more. Let the reader's imagination fill in the rest.

3.) Watch out for comma splices. For example, "A being, standing around 5'11", began to..."

4.) "unimportant breathe's"--I don't know why they're unimportant, because I don't know enough about the character to understand how the fact he is breathing is irrelevant. Also, it is breaths not "breathe's."

5.) Dew doesn't really produce mud. It is the ambient air collecting on vegetation due to photosynthesis and respiration.

You have three main things to watch out for: comma splices, spelling, and appropriate use of the apostrophe. An easy way to remember how to use the apostrophe is to ask yourself if something has ownership of something else, see: "the dog's bone, the earth's core"; this structure typically follows an entity-noun pattern.

Grammar bashing out of the way, what is the purpose of the story? The entire focus of the post seems to be on the emo-punk wardrobe of the character and the likelihood he will soon be prison raped.

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