xx______x The world was black and white covered in smears of red.
xxxi. Hushed whispers and heated sighs, it's the silent longing for something he knows he can never have. He swears one day he will defy the cruel fates and decide his own destiny, but the muffled laughter of people long gone remind him that it's a dream he'll never catch. Silence. He knows it's true.
xxxii. Mattias hates them. He despises every cell in their body for what they are, and what he isn't. He's selfish. He realizes that - and yet it doesn't stop him from wanting. Their aspirations seem so obtainable, and so human that he has to laugh. Every person has the opportunity to do what they please, and yet he sighs in recognition that he is no person. Even if he were though, few have told him otherwise.
xxxiii. He lies - a lot. To himself, to his brother, to the man that put him in his situation. A smile so gentle it appears harsh can turn hopes into words and weave a tale so marvelous that even he is fooled for a time, but then he remembers who he is and the illusion is shattered. Mattias wonders if he'll ever stop, and he promises that one day he will. He lies - a lot.
xxxiv. He has stars in his eyes, and as a result becomes blind. He is infatuated with the romantic idea that maybe - just maybe - he can try and help those who need it. That rather than causing destruction and terror he can be a source of protection and be famed in glory. Perhaps the light isn't always meant for the good, but can rather be shared with those whom need it most.
xxxv. An idiot. He is an idiot that deserves to die, expect that he already has.
xxxvi. The only truth he seeks is in the motion of pen hitting paper. Thoughts and ideas forming before his hand can write them down and as a result his notes are illegible. He'll fix it, he says, later on wondering what the hell he was trying to say. It's almost a foreign language to him, how messy his handwriting is, but as he digs deeper past an invisible threshold the words seem to become vernacular once more. How he's missed himself.
Frequently, they would dream — for it was the only thing in their lives they could get for free; and sometimes their fantasies were good, but more often than not they would prefer the cruelty of reality over whatever their minds had in store. However, some ideals never went away even under the watchful gaze of those around them. They spoke in hushed whispers and careful smiles talking about a place where all their problems could be solved. They had hope.
ONCE, THERE WAS A LIFE TO LIVE
Mattias hated his brother for what he did, and yet was so hypocritical for he took the stolen food without remorse. They were hungry and with parents that were constantly gone, it was hard to remember they weren’t the only ones.
COLORED IN BRIGHT SHADES OF BLUE
The work was hard, and the pay was minimal, but it was an honest job and Mattias could not ask for more. He enjoyed the feel of machinery beneath his fingertips - felt the presence of so many like him working to survive - and for once in his life he felt as though he had a purpose.
BUT AS TIME CHANGED, SO DID IT
He heard it through the grapevine, the ultimate departure of his brother. The laughs of the people he once called friends, and the disapproving looks from acquaintances. Mattias had always known of his brothers sexuality, there was little they didn’t share with one another, but to have him so publicly shunned gave him a pause -but then he resumed and was furious.
And so he did as any good older brother would and followed him. (It was not a hard choice to make; apparently not having the drive to procreate made him defected. )
I WANDERED THROUGH CLOUDS OF GRAY TO SEE DEATH’S FACE
It was quiet. Terribly so, and the only thing that could be heard was the steady breathing of the those around him. The peace however was disrupted when silently - inhumanly - a hand clasped over his mouth and attached to it was a face Mattias had not seen in two years. Alexander had made a motion to leave and oh so willingly he did.
.
His lungs felt as though they would give out at any moment, and his veins were pumping with what Mattias could only assume was boiling blood. He let a smile cross his features and looked for his brother in the darkness, for they had actually done it. They had escaped and - he felt something pierce into his neck and suddenly he wasn’t thinking anymore.
Weakly he tried to push his attacker off him, but the body above him kept Mattias pinned down, and oh god it was getting harder and harder to breath. With that all said and done he did the only thing he could and screamed. The attacker as if having a sudden epiphany leapt off him and smeared the blood - his blood - off his mouth and gave an expression that could rival his own surprise.
.
"Mattias, I'm sorry,”
.
He did not die - although, thinking on it many years later, he wished he had.
Minutes after the monster, no his brother, left him to suffer Mattias had picked himself up and began to run. He did not care where, nor the consequences for such an action, but he felt as though he needed to prove he was breathing and wandering like a phantom.
Later, he came to the conclusion that while he was alive, he was not living.
BUT WAS GREETED WITH A MAN NOT UNLIKE MYSELF
The years passed by in a blur of hiding in the shadows, watching, waiting, hoping. No one ever explained to Mattias what he was, or how he was even alive, but he began to realize his own true nature only months after his transformation.
The insatiable need for blood, thoughts that were not his own, and of course his inhuman physique. No, he did not know what he was nor did he want to find out.
HE CALLED HIMSELF THE FERRYMAN
Through shady means Mattias bought himself a new life. He arrived at a country he had only heard stories about, and as a passing thought Mattias wondered what Alexander would have thought of it. The green lady holding a torch in a seemingly endless night, the smell of ocean water; but just as quickly as the thought appeared he was much quicker to squash it.
He was on his own now.
I WILL SHOW YOU THE WAY
He went to Violet Blues, Louisiana - a place he thought he could called home (if his parents lies had any truth) to find a man named Al whom he could call an uncle. It was however, with much regret that he came to hear the saddening tale of his death.
It was time to move on.
.
He kept the house however, the land had been given to his parents in Uncle Al’s will, in hopes that maybe one day someone would need it more than he.
.
He hoped he would find his brother again.
BUT AT A PRICE
One year was all it took for Mattias to come to terms with what he was after learning the correct definition: he was a vampire.
From the time he came to America he had traveled to countless states, homeless for the most part, but loving a life he thought was not all that bad. However, he wanted a place he could call his own and so went back to where everything had started in his new life - Violet Blues.
I AGREED, FOR WHAT OTHER CHOICE DID I HAVE?
They had hugged, and tears were spilt, but happiness is not made to last forever.
They argued, they fought, and they had different philosophies of life. Mattias could never kill someone helpless, someone in need of the protection he could give with his new found powers; but Alexander begged to differ. He would do whatever was required to survive.
It was true, Mattias was jealous of the people who could be called “human” for how desperately he wished he could be one, but such envy was displaced by a bone deep emotion he could only call ignorance.
HE SMILED AND LEAD ME ONTO HIS BOAT
Mattias forgot about Alexander once more. He wanted to officially put everything behind him, and to do that he would need to erase any and all memories of his brother. It was easier said than done, but over the course of the years it became easier, he was mindlessly numb.
However, his life after his departure was not without direction. He knew he wanted to help people, even if for his own selfish need, and so found a job in the government who knew about people like him. Gradually he rose in position until finally he achieved the highest rank he could ever wish for.
.
Once more he finally felt as though he had a purpose.