apartness, an inability to join in, physical shame
and self-loathing — they are not all bad. Those
devils have been my angels. Without them I
would never have disappeared into language,
literature, the mind, laughter and all the mad
intensities that made and unmade me.” ― Stephen Fry
deep end || ruelle /|\ glass heart || sam tinnesz /|\ touch || daughter
/|\ pompeii || bastille /|\ you don't know what it's like || katelyn tarver
/|\ some nights || f. u. n. /|\ wake me up || avicii /|\ in my blood
|| shawn mendes /|\ too good at goodbyes || sam smith
Brian Reginald Brokenborough
N I C KXN A M E S
Bri or Ri, the latter pronounced like, 'rye' {Most common; not exactly liked, but not inherently disliked, he just deals with it; the latter is popular among close friends} || Reggie or B.B. {Intensely disliked; only by family}
D A T EXO FXB I R T H
April 24, 1994
A G E
24
E T H N I CXB A C K G R O U N D
100% White, that's literally all he knows. Brian knows there's some English and Welsh in there, but he is also pretty sure that his ancestors didn't dip their metaphorical spoons in the metaphorical gene bowl to stir shit up in his blood, so he's not claiming anything other than the color of his skin to be safe.
S E X U A LXO R I E N T A T I O N
Homosexual
O C C U P A T I O N
Part-Time Barista at Mighty Bean {MWF 6am ― 1 pm} || University of San Francisco Creative Writing & Romantic Period Literature Teacher's Aide {TH 10:30am ― 7pm}
A P A R T M E N TXN U M B E R
Apartment 2C
H O M E T O W NXN U M B E R
Washington, D.C. {Birth - 18 yrs. old} || San Francisco, California {18 yrs. old - Current}
Always has a pack of gum or mints on his person. ▪ Rocks on heels when waiting. ▪ Does not like to be handed anything. ▪ Needs glasses, but doesn't actually wear them all of the time. Keeps them in a case in his pocket until he has to type or read. ▪ Literally cannot start his day without at least two cups of coffee; considers himself to be maid up of 70% coffee and needs to replenish himself daily. ▪ Always has at least two books he is in the process of reading in his bag with a fanfiction tab on either his laptop or saved on his phone for later. ▪ Has a section on the wall in his bedroom filled with nothing but sticky notes for a particular scenario or bullet point that he wants to cover in his writing so that when he gets into the mood to write, he can pick which one speaks to him most. ▪ Talks with his hands a lot. ▪ Is a natural klutz and can somehow find a way to fumble over anything if it isn't him making coffee or handling books. ▪ Can recite lines and quotes from favorite authors/books that pertain to a situation at hand. ▪ Insists that everyone uses a coaster for their drinks when in his home. Absolutely hates water stains.
S T R E N G T H S
For all his disliking of being put on the spot, there hasn't been a class Brian has taught in place of the teacher that hasn't gone well and that's because for one, Brian's passionate about teaching, especially when it comes to literature. And it shows. His entire aura brightens and he doesn't try to leave a single student dumbfounded by the information; instead, he keeps it modern and words it in such a way that they understand while, because of his aforementioned enthusiasm, getting students more interested in the topic. He's very engaging in a teaching mood, which is why he wants to get into grad school. ⚘Coffee: Brian can't cook for shit, but he can make one mean cup of coffee and seems to be able to learn a person's exact taste, even when following the recipe guidelines. ⚘ Brian is a fast reader. He usually is in the process of reading two books because that's how fast his eyes and mind take in the stories and nine times out of ten, he can give you a full, detailed synopsis of both. ⚘ It wouldn't be him if he wasn't well-organized. No matter what anyone has to say about it, everything has an order and it is rare for Brian to lose anything.
W E A K N E S S E S
Can be downright oblivious to anything pertaining to himself unless someone else points it out (i.e. when his thoughts/feelings reach his face, when someone has feelings for him, etc.} ⚘ Loses himself in working, whether that be writing, grading, reading, or even researching for his classes for the sake of the professor(s). It's one thing to be passionate and focused, but Brian tends to forget basic things like staying watered (he'll stay coffee'd though), eating, and sleeping. ⚘ Can be very pessimistic and especially hard on himself, a full blown cynic on most days if you can't get him out of his head. ⚘ Can be very set in his ways if someone doesn't know how to push him and does not always push himself to be bolder in life unless drunk. ⚘ Very much a lightweight. The rule is no more than two beers, and he can only have one shot or one glass of wine.
H O B B I E S
Writing ▪ Creating and orating interesting stories ▪ Reading ▪ Attending book fairs ▪ Kicking people's (particularly his neighbors') asses at card games, especially spades and Cards Against Humanity ▪ People-watching
F E A R S
Proving his stepmother right ø Having to ever move back into his father's home and it being because he could not provide for himself adequately ø That the depressive voice in his head is right and that there is no point to anything ø Clowns ø Needles
G O A L S || D R E A M S
Become a world renown best selling author ▪ Teach Romantic Period Literature on a graduate level ▪Own his own house ▪Be able to make enough money so that he could one day build homeless shelters for overpopulated cities like his hometown
S E C R E T S
He lost his virginity as a freshman in college to a guy who had only had seduced him because of a dare he had to take as a pledge. ✤ Writes erotic Ebooks under the alias R. Rowe as an extra source of income. ✤ His stepmother tried to fix his "queerness" by trying to get him to sleep with her, but threatened to "out" him to his father if he ever told the man what she did. ✤ It's not that his depression is a secret; it is that it isn't common knowledge. ✤ Knows the best vantage point in San Francisco to jump from that would kill himself because he's thought of it.
{Know-It-All, Reserved, Self-Deprecating, Intelligent, Insecure, Trustworthy, Altruistic, Observant}
Brian's person is very reminiscent of that one individual you knew came from a wealthy and unhappy home, left for school, and never looked back as they sought a more fulfilling, less wealthier life - but somehow still retaining a bit of those old, stuffy principles. For instance, while others would assume - given the way Brian can wrinkle up his nose at doing anything too wild or adventurous when neighbors mention their doings - that Brian is as posh and uppity as his father's bank account is, it's not that he believes having fun, regardless of how rowdy said fun is, is beneath him. He doesn't think anyone is actually beneath him. However, he does...hesitate and a lot of the times, steers clear entirely of anything that would infringe upon his public image. That is, if he can. Brian has spent an entire lifetime needing to be as presentable as possible and although he has distanced himself from his father's (and his father's world's) expectations, learned behavior is pretty hard to snap oneself out of. At times, he can be overly critical and snobbish, oftentimes disallowing himself (when sober) to let loose and run with the crowd. Again, this isn't because he thinks of himself as above any one individual, but he can't help it all of the time. Brian's just not overly familiar with that sort of freedom. He can be dismissive and harsh, and that one know-it-all who will sit in the corner of a crowded room with everyone else chatting around him while he's got his nose stuck in the book, bragging that he'll be the one person without a hangover. He wants to be better and rid himself of these antics, but at the same time, he's at war with a side of himself that is afraid of appearing as anything less than put together. Granted, friends will say that his choice in fashion is the one thing that isn't as put together (and he's definitely lacking in the grace department), but the point is that Brian can be set in his ways and resolute in staying that way, oftentimes trying to keep himself at a distance both for fear of social embarrassment and also to not get hurt.
That is the main thing. Brian does what he has to do and avoids what he has to in order to not get hurt. He grew up in a mean environment with only a splash of love that was ripped from him too soon, leaving him to learn very quickly that in order to not be vulnerable, one has to cocoon themselves in mild indifference and self-preservation. It's almost selfish, though, the way that he goes about it. Protecting oneself is good and dandy, but if it comes at the price of hurting someone else - something Brian is capable of doing when he snatches away or withdraws into himself because someone has gotten too close - then it is a flaw, not a fact of life and one Brian feels immense guilt for after the fact - despite his dismissive disposition at the moment. It's bad enough that Brian is down on himself, which will be discussed further later, but he's also very much a cynic. His ideals of love and goodness were snatched from him, and what is left is a firm disbelief that anything like what his father swore what he had with his mother exists. It just doesn't seem possible to Brian that all people are capable of goodness and that there's always a silver lining, or light at the end of the tunnel. There is struggle and then there is success, and some people manage to turn the tides and get with the winning team, but most people don't and they contend with their struggle because it could be worse. It's not a good train of thought and Brian's pessimism is one of the many reasons why Brian hates talking to other people, that and his inability to be rid of the absolutely awkward nerd that he is. He wishes he had the social graces his father tried pounding in his brain, but his brain-to-mouth filter is lacking, to say the least. Most people know, despite his initial caution and dismissive nature, that Brian isn't mean at all and can be a rather generous individual, and detail-oriented at that. Even when it seems like he has his nose stuck in a book or is working on more than one idea on a computer at a time, Brian is paying attention and listening, especially to the things and people he cares about. Even if they don't always recognize that he cares.
He's adept at learning one's preferences and what they like by peering at them for a moment, lauded as the best barista at his job. He has a comeback when he wants to and is wittier than his preference for silence would have you to believe, oftentimes having rebuttals that catch people off guard. He can even be pretty fun, especially when he's drunk and unable to feel the embarrassment that comes with his personal brand of dorkiness such as loudly singing and dancing. And he's passionate - has a great deal of passion and enthusiasm when it comes to the things that he cares about, oftentimes embarrassed when he realizes that he has gone on long tangents and discussions about his favorite topics in front of people. Brian is very intelligent and it shows, and his occasional bouts of arrogance are a lot more deserving when you consider the wealth of knowledge he does possess, especially when standing in at a lecture or tutoring students. However, he's far more humble, which is something he wishes more people knew about as opposed to his "weird ass control freak" antics, a trait of his sublimated only by his deep-set disdain of himself. While Brian can glow brighter than he knows, especially when it comes to literature and education, he's also his own worst inner demon as he's the voice that constantly tells him that none of it is worth it. Love isn't worth it. Getting up every day isn't worth. Trying isn't worth it. Being alive isn't worth it. That sex is the only fulfillment he needs and anything deeper than that is worthless because it's all going to end anyway, so why put oneself out there and set oneself up for disappointment? This pessimism and deep depression are the things Brian deals with through all of his hopeless and occasional awkward social interactions, lending to him trying his best (though failing, depending on which friends can push him) to keep himself from getting too close to anyone and being more open. Even if he wants to in order to silence the voices.
A hot steaming cup of coffee, especially french press ▲ The smell of book pages ▲ Libraries ▲ People-watching ▲ Card games and crossword puzzles ▲ Binge-watching his favorite 80s films ▲ Reading, especially fantasy-based novels and mythological folklore ▲ When people write hard so he can feel the indentations under the paper against his fingertips ▲ Emily Dickinson, William Blake, William Woodsworth, Percy Shelley, and Mary Shelley ▲ The smell of the beach ▲ Feeling included, even if he doesn't participate ▲ Strawberries ▲ Good penmanship ▲ His hair, even if he doesn't always do anything with it ▲Hardback covers ▲ Platonic and romantic affection, even if he wants to act like he doesn't ▲ Taylor Swift, though he'll deny it if asked ▲ Italian cuisine ▲ Roadtrips ▲ Writing ▲ Peace and quiet ▲ Sex ▲ Star Wars
The taste of water ▼ Nighttime airplane rides ▼ Sushi ▼Shellfish, since he's allergic and can't eat it ▼ Most sweets and desserts, though he'll partake ▼ Cooking ▼ When students want an easy grade ▼ Bigotry ▼ The elite and honestly a lot of the people he grew up with ▼ Orange or grape-flavored soda ▼ Depression ▼ When people dog-ear books, but especially his own books
X
✦ J. R. Brokenborough ✦ ↣ Biological Father ↣ Living
X
✧ Joanna Brokenborough (nee. James) ✧ ↣ Biological Mother ↣ Deceased
X
✦ Parvati Brokenborough (nee. Iyer) ✦ ↣ Stepmother ↣ Living
X
✧ Nicole "Nikki" Brokenborough ✧ ↣ Half-Sister ↣ Living
His book was published. Brian cringes when he thinks of it, this tiny thing with more pictures than words - his "adult" preference, he would say to anyone who happened to find it (and he's gone the extra mile to make sure his neighbors and friends do not). But the childrens' book he wrote when he was eight years old had been one of his crowning achievements, not just because he could say he was a published author back then, but because of how radiant his mother's smile was. It would be clearest image of her he would later have to remind himself that there had been more than the pale, sickly woman whose frail hand he held as she read him a story to distract him from all the monitors and beeping noises of her hospital room. The only other memory that comes close is his college graduation because despite the growing distance between them - and the argument that arose upon J.R.'s realization that Brian wasn't going to live his life the way that he wanted him to - his father showed up and genuinely looked proud.
S A D D E S TXM E M O R Y ?
Hands down, the day his mother had passed away. They spent nearly two years, a year longer than the doctor had given her to live, trying to prolong her life and give her a reason to keep fighting. Not like she needed much of one. Nevertheless, the light of their family - the one thing that kept Brian and his father together - had been snatched in the middle of the night, sometime after midnight on Valentine's Day. Brian didn't speak for weeks afterwards and her death caused irreparable damage to Brian and J.R.'s relationship, though both their similarities and differences played as heavy a role as her loss.
The thing that Brian would never be able to say - and it's not as much his fault as it is J.R.'s for not telling him often enough or even Joanna for not saying because she understood her son's capacity for self-blame - was that John Ross Brokenborough and Joanna James had always been in love. Sure, it might have seemed impossibly considering his surly disposition and her larger-than-life personality, but it had worked. JJ had been J.R.'s no-nonsense tutor in college and he'd nursed a crush on her after the third session. If she were alive to tell the story, she'd tell everyone she had known she would marry the idiot the very first day he had walked into the tutoring session - nothing but arrogance hiding worry, and swagger horribly sublimating anxiety and stress. It didn't matter to her that she would go on to meeting his parents and knowing she didn't have either of their approval because her major wasn't good enough and her overall background just didn't suit their fancy. It didn't matter that they would marry with only her parents and a few college friends as witnesses, and that it wouldn't be until Brian's birth that his parents warmed up to her. She just knew what her future would be and that would be as Mrs. J.R. Brokenborough. It took only three months later for them to begin dating and two years for them to be married. Leave it to Brian, and being provided that kind of information - knowing his parents had been so in love and happy that they barely made it out of college before marrying - and he'd say then that he ruined J.R. But that wasn't the case. Perhaps the older man needed to learn how to handle grief and discomfort better than burying it behind scotch and eloquent dismissals. Perhaps Joanna should have told her husband how sick she'd always been.
Yet and still, JJ went through with the pregnancy and other than raised blood pressure, she had not thought much of anything. She should have. She should have taken to heart the fact that this was the second pregnancy - she had miscarried the actual first child they had planned to have - where she had had high blood pressure. There had been a lot of protein in her urine due to pre-eclampsia, leading to an induced labor for Brian and him coming out ill as well. JJ wasn't too well herself, but she worried more for him instead, putting all of her energy and strength into his recovery and survival. Brian's first memories of his mother consist of her voice, this nice lilting sound as she would sing him childhood lullabies and read him her favorite books, not all picture books that most children were read and would later memorize. Like him, Joanna loved literature and cultivated his love for it from adolescence, and at first, it always been his fascination and adoration for his mother's voice that kept him enthralled in whatever tales suited her fancy for the evening. Soon, however, it was the stories themselves - prose transcribed by classic authors like Jane Austen and William Blake - that really kept him interested. It helped that the way Joanna went about telling the stories made them even more astounding and awe-inspiring. However, the same attention she paid to her son's growth should have been given to her health, which was what her husband had always said, especially when they tried for the final time to give Brian a sibling. This time, though, they discovered the reason why it seemed as though Joanna had never recovered from her very first pregnancy. Chronic kidney failure.
It can be said that doctors should have warned her after the first pregnancy to be careful with the effects of having high blood pressure with pregnancy. It can be said that Joanna should have taken care to possibly not try to have a child after Brian, or even the first one considering how horrible she had felt. Nevertheless, as the years would go by, despite treatments and medication, Brian watched his mother grow sicker and sicker, stage 4 kidney disease wracking her body up something fierce. Yet and still, JJ remained strong, particularly for both her boys. She still put on a smile most of the time when they visited her in the hospital and she made sure to make J.R. keep his promise - all brown puppy eyes and guilt-inducing lip quivers that she honestly shouldn't have still had the strength for - to read to Brian at night and have Brian read back to him on the others when her husband really needed to feel her presence. And sometimes, that kind of a distraction - that kind of establishment of some kind of relationship - worked. However, it wasn't long until it was Valentine's day and very early in the morning when the Brokenborough house received a call from the hospital. Brian can still recall the curt manner in which his father had conducted himself on the phone before sitting in his study for hours. He hadn't even mustered up the strength to get Brian ready for school or tell him of his mother's passing until well into the afternoon.
As the years would go by, it became plain to see that without Joanna's lightheartedness and easy smiles to coax the two male introverts out of their shells, there was no way for the two to inhabit a space peacefully. Or, at least, lovingly - yes, if asked, Brian would say that it wasn't that it wasn't peaceful. The days they did not speak were kind of peaceful, if not wrought with an unspoken and unacknowledged tension for fear of a catastrophic explosion. But it was not loving, not on the surface. Not to Brian who spent years thinking his father absolutely hated him. And it wasn't like he tried to be better than what he was, or is. In a family of very successful lawyers with a firm under their names, Brian had understood that there was a way he needed to conduct himself. However, despite his best intentions, his nerves and anxieties and fear that he would perpetually fuck up led him to...well, perpetually fucking up. If it wasn't him fumbling over his words trying to fake concern about matters that he honestly cared nothing about, it was his preference for books as opposed to golf or football. It was his desire to be alone than be surrounded by posh people and dinner parties wrought with finery and snobbery. It didn't help that he would be diagnosed with depression at thirteen and realize slowly but surely that no matter how many times his grandparents introduced him to some girl from some other family, that they would never interest him quite like another guy would. Nothing helped when his father did eventually remarry.
If they are as in love as Parvati and J.R. want him to believe, then that's all well and good, but Brian knew as a teenager that he wasn't staying in D.C. He didn't even consider staying on the east coast, applying to schools on the west coast and even in the south before deciding upon the University of San Francisco. To his dad, he called it his own venture into independence. He used what was left of his full scholarship to pay for an apartment through the years, worked two jobs as a full-time student, saved up to get his own car without any assistance, and graduated in the top five percentile of his class, cum laude.
Despite his bad days, despite what happened freshman year of college with the guy he thought could be more than one night, Brian did well for himself away from D.C. Away from Capitol dinners and pretentious step-mothers who knew that she would never compare to her husband's first love. Brian had already disliked her, but when he realized that she knew that he was nowhere near straight, he absolutely hated her. Not just because she proved to be homophobic enough to make him really pray - and that's saying something since he's an atheist - that his half-sister continues to not be anything like her - but because she threatened to out him because he threatened to reveal just how unfaithful she was to his father after she tried seducing him. He didn't say anything, mostly because the fear of seeing yet another wave of disappointment in his father's eyes geared at him is single-handedly more important to him than informing the man that he has a shitty wife. As sucky as it sounds, Brian's pretty sure his father didn't marry for love. He just hopes - and wishes vehemently, despite how much he hates the bitter pettiness he's plagued with - that Parvati knows how much of a consolation prize she really is.
Face Claim: Jason Ralph
Dialogue Color: #800000
Extra: On the right side of Brian's bedroom, two pictures sit on the nightstand. One is of his mother and him in his childhood bedroom, the other is of him and his father on the day of his high school graduation. Despite their current estrangement, Brian can't help but keep that picture of his father close to him. He's never gone anywhere without that picture of his mother.