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RPA Azmdoai2 and Very Hidden

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RPA Azmdoai2 and Very Hidden

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Azmodai2 on Wed Sep 26, 2007 2:37 am

So here's the routine buddy: OOC is always in red for me and I will comment your posts before I make mine in OOC. I will provide a setting and an opportunity for you to introduce a character. You have two options when it comes to this: either a completely amnesiac character who is new and does not know who they are or where they are from or a consistent character you use often. If you go with the latter please post a bio for said character.

The underhives stank of oil and grime, the stench of rot permeated the air and saturated the very metal creating the cesspool of industry. This place sat beneath the gleaming factories and starports, it was the foundation on which the glorious shining society above was built on. Ironic that one of the greatest civilizations in history was built upon every ideal it had worked so hard to eliminate. The underhive was utterly lawless, the Police were never so foolish to venture down here, except in the most extreme circumstances, unfortunately for Liuetenant Miakaelus Roth this was an extreme circumstance.

He picked his way through the muck and smog of the underhives decrepit and smoke choked streets as quietly and invisibly as possible, his all black combat gear obscured by a large cloak he had scavenged from a corpse. It would not bode well for him should he be discovered as a member of the Police forces. As he rounded a corner into an alley he stumbled over something soft and flesh like. It moaned. He leaned down to inspect the item and discovered it was clearly a person, and obviously not a normal underhiver. "Well shit..." With the slightest hint of effort he dragged the figure into the recesses of the alley and attempted to awaken them, "Hey, I'd snap to if I were you..."

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Re: RPA Azmdoai2 and Very Hidden

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Very Hidden on Wed Sep 26, 2007 8:40 pm

Ok, I'll use green for ooc then. I'm going to go with an amnesiatic character, i was thinking about it all day, sorry i wasnt able to post, my internet went down.

Kigo's eyes slowly began to open to what he now realized was a person, very shady in appearance. Startled at first, Kigo quickly lept to his feet, and began to run, only to trip over a trash can and slam his face into the cold cement. In a daze from the crash, kigo sluggishly rose to his feet, and hesitantly asked the strange being where he was.

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Re: RPA Azmdoai2 and Very Hidden

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Azmodai2 on Sun Sep 30, 2007 8:00 pm

Okay, it's a decent start, I am VERY happy that grammar and spelling are not a problem as those are probably the two things that irk me the most when they're bad. Lets start with post length. Now generally I don't stress too much length but your post was quite short. To increase post length try these things, add more description about your character, the environment or the situation. Also include what your character may be thinking about. I did like that you had a reaction, however when you ask me where you are why don't you actually put a question in quotations as if you're actually talking. Your first sentence doesn't make very much sense, which means you need to proofread again just in case. Your second sentence is good, it adds a little dynamic action. Your third sentence builds off the second which is also good and you did leave me a way to respond. However, in this case I want you to rewrite the post (as a new one, not an edit). Include such things as your appearance, your feelings, your thoughts and reactions. Feel free to add to the environment so long as you add things that make sense, IE no purple dinosaurs, giant fish, dragons etc.

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Re: RPA Azmdoai2 and Very Hidden

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Very Hidden on Wed Oct 03, 2007 10:03 pm

Well, i couldn't think of too much for this specific paragraph but, here's a shot, sorry if it's not grat.

Kigo's eyes slowly began to open to what he now realized was a person, very shady in appearance. He thought to himself that he was either in the wrong place at the wrong time, or this person was there for him, for some reason or other. Startled , Kigo quickly lept to his feet, and began to run, only to trip over a trash can and slam his face into the cold cement. In a daze from the crash, kigo sluggishly rose to his feet, and hesitantly neared the stranger. "Where am i?" Kigo asked, while at the same time coughing from the grime-thickened fog of air that surrounded him.

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Re: RPA Azmdoai2 and Very Hidden

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Azmodai2 on Sat Oct 06, 2007 5:05 pm

Better, we're already seeing improvement which is good. However, in the next post I want you to describe what you look like, being amnesiac doesn't mean you can't decide your appearance. Your use of adverbs and verbs is good but there needs to be more descriptive text about the environment, your thoughts and your actions. Also start to develop specific character qualities, IE things like an accent, quirks, obvious weaknesses or abilities. I'll post now.

Roth stood and let his hand drift to his sidearm underneath his cloak, "You, unfortunately, are in the underhive. It's a scum bucket for the worst of society, how you wound up in this cesspit I have no idea, nor do I really care. I need to get topside soon, and you're kind of slowing me down, but i'll humor you for a bit, I need to rest. What's your name?" Roth leaned against the wall, wary of the man he had quite obviously rescued, it wasn't uncommon to be killed in your sleep down here.

He looked at the man, studying him intently, noting his physique, his apparent mindset and various other details he thought might help him in a risky situation. His hand stayed steady on the butt of his sidearm but he relaxed a little, the man didn't seem too much like a typical underhiver, as evidenced by the fact that he wasn't used to the disgusting polluted air. "My names' Miakaelus Roth, and that's all you need to know about me right," still, no sense in telling him he was law enforcement, better to be safe than dead.

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