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RPA: beautiful_littlefool and Azmodai2

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RPA: beautiful_littlefool and Azmodai2

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Azmodai2 on Sat Jun 09, 2007 10:21 pm

Okay, welcome to the RPA. This will be our thread. First order of the say, some starting tips. Be descriptive and imaginative. Describe everything you think could possibly relevant in a given setting and don't hesitate to innovate. Regarding characters try to consistently convey what they are thinking and feeling, it allows for more real characters. To start we'll do something fairly easy, and remember that your character, at this point DOESN'T remember anything.


Erik sprinted over jutting tree roots and dodged low hanging branches as he ran. He laughed from the exhilaration of the hunt as he pursued his prey and his long blond hair whipped behind him. He drew a long hunting knife in anticipation of the kill as he bolted over a large rock. As he crested the small hill he had chased his quarry up he stopped at the peak to survey the land before him. It was thick, forested and possessed of a beauty so common to lush woodlands. A long river snaked its way through the forest, effectively splitting it in half.

He ran down the hill running after a young buck he had followed for two days now. The hunt was less about the prize in the meat and more about the chase itself. He loved running through the green trees, following some beast, outwitting it and eventually claiming it. Sometimes he killed the animal for food, usually he let it go, once or twice eh had tamed the animal and kept it. He came to a halt at the bottom of the hill and searched for the tracks of the deer.

It was then he saw it, a human form laying underneath the protection of an enormous oak, its thick canopy shading the body from the bright sun. He stepped closer warily, and studied the person in detail. he moved closer, his knife poised in case this newcomer should mean him harm, he prodded the prone form with a branch."Awake?"

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Re: RPA: beautiful_littlefool and Azmodai2

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby beautiful_littlefool on Sun Jun 10, 2007 1:51 pm

She was falling through fantastic swirling colors, her long auburn hair whipping out, her dirty tunic blowing around her thin,malnourished legs. The falling stopped abruptly and was accompanied by a sharp pain in her side...

She awoke startled and confused. She opened her her eyes to see a figure holding a knife and a stick above her. She shot up and cowered against a large tree trunk. " Please, don't hurt me" she whispered in a terrified voice


Ummm, I'm not sure how long you want these to be.....
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Re: RPA: beautiful_littlefool and Azmodai2

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby beautiful_littlefool on Sun Jun 10, 2007 2:01 pm

I'm sorry my computer sucks. ^^^^

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Re: RPA: beautiful_littlefool and Azmodai2

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Azmodai2 on Mon Jun 11, 2007 2:42 pm

Okay don't worry about the triple post. I Fixed that. Alrighty to your post. Good stuff: good descriptive vocabulary and it puts your character where she is in relative to my post. It also gave me something to work off with her waking up. And it gave a little bit of history which is always good on a first post. I like your use of italics. Okay, not so good stuff: incredibly short. While not inherently, normally, bad, in this case the post was far too short. You can write a short post and have it be lucid, insightful and relevant, but this is pushing the limits of how short it can be. To give you an example the posts I usually write are on average 350 words. The one I wrote for you was about 250. For now I want you to write 150-200 word posts. Normally I don't stress word count but I want to see yours go up. Try to include every detail your character might notice about a person or place, and also include what your character is thinking or feeling.

Erik smiled at the small girl before him, he sheathed his knife and held out his hands to symbolize he would not hurt her. "Calm down! I'm not going to hurt you. What are you doing here? I've never seen anyone else besides me this far into the forest." He sat down next to her and looked her over, admiring her long brown hair. 'Strange,' he thought, as he realized everyone in his village had light blond hair.

He reached into a pack at his side and withdrew a piece of dried meat, like beef jerky, and offered it to the girl, "Hungry? My name's Erik, whats yours?" He smiled warmly at her and tossed the piece of meat onto her lap. He stood and looked around the clearing the enormous tree stood in. He began to gather up small branches and leaves and such to build a fire.

He sat cross-legged to her left and stacked the tinder into a vaguely pyramid shaped structure and pulled a piece of flint out of his side pouch. He drew out another rock and kneeled over the fire, an intense look of concentration upon his face. He struck the stones together once, sending a shower of sparks over the tinder, but none caught fire. He struck the stones again and this time there was signs of one of the leaves underneath alight. He leaned in close and blew on the embers gently, causing the rest of the tinder to catch, he smiled at the girl.

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Re: RPA: beautiful_littlefool and Azmodai2

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby beautiful_littlefool on Tue Jun 12, 2007 12:04 am

I love the fact that I put so much into my tiny little post. I'm quite talented. Oh btw, auburn is not brown, it's actually a dark red color. Just so you know. so she has reddish hair and not brown.

She blinked at the small brown object he threw at her. She recognized it as food and immediatley wolfed it down. As she watched him work on the fire she thought about what he had asked her. Name?....name.....I have a name....I know I do.....but what was it?....... She was confounded. This was possibly the easiest of questions to be answered, yet she could not think of the answer. That was probably not a good sign.

She leaned against the tree, feeling very light-headed and weak. Her body was aching as though she had beaten with a club. She inched closer to the fire. She realized how cold she was.She looked down at her drab tunic,which was worn and torn in many places. She noticed dark stains upon it.Blood. She lifted it to reveal several deep wounds on her legs. "Oh, my!" She pulled the tunic open to find more cuts upon her chest and abdomen. A few looked like they were still fresh, with blood seeping werily out of them.

"Oh, my! Erik, Erik!" She screamed, even though he was sitting right beside her.She watched the blood drip down her middle to the ground below, making it wet and dark.

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Re: RPA: beautiful_littlefool and Azmodai2

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Azmodai2 on Sat Jun 16, 2007 12:07 am

Okay, good post, length was much better this time. My apologies about the hair color confusion, I'm male, forgive me. Good descriptive about your character and the wounds, while a little disturbing, which isn't bad, added character. The wounds also added a new element to the scene which I am forced to deal with, which is good for storytelling. I would like to

Erik's head snapped up to the girl's frantic cries and he saw blood dribbling down her body. He sighed and pulled out his pack, searching through it hurriedly. Finally, with a satisfied grin he pulled out a long thick piece of fabric, which he poured a little of his water on. "Here, wipe your wounds with this, I'm going to prepare a small mixture that will help them heal."

He reached into has pack again and withdrew a small bundle of plants and a small metal cup, hammered into it's current form. He crushed the herbs with his hand and dropped them into the cup, along with a bit of water, occasionally stealing glances at the girl, checking the locations of her wounds and the severity of them. He held the cup of the fire, heating it quickly. He drew it away as soon as the water started to boil and set it on the ground, whereupon he tossed in another crushed plant.

He grabbed the mixture and moved over closer to her, stirring it lightly with his finger. "You need to drink the liquid, then when it's finished hand me the cup with the herbs still inside and I will apply them to your wounds, hey, focus, you'll be okay. I promise." He gave her his warmest smile and set the cup down beside her.

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Re: RPA: beautiful_littlefool and Azmodai2

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby beautiful_littlefool on Sat Jun 16, 2007 12:28 am

haha, I know,it's ok. I'm sorry , I have a disturbed mind.

As she watched Erik prepare some liquid, she felt herself slip in and out of conciousness. She snapped up when she heard his voice. He set a cup down and she took it and brought it up to her nose. The smell was so unfamiliar." Wha-what's in this?" Without waiting for an answer, she brought the metal cup to her pale lips and sipped it.The bitter liquid slide down her throat, giving her body a warm feeling inside. She quickly drank the rest and looked down at her wounds. The pain was so unbearable. She closed her eyes and clenched her fists till her knuckles turned white.

She opened her eyes again. The pain was subsiding. She opened her hands and looked over at Erik. She slid the cup over towards him and smiled at him. " What was that? thank you" She felt a numbness and looked down at her wounds. They were still bleeding, but she didn't feel anything...She looked again at Erik and spoke," Um, this is a bit random, but, you know when you asked my name? Well...I don't know what it is. I...I don't know." She felt stupid as her cheeks turned red.

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Re: RPA: beautiful_littlefool and Azmodai2

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Azmodai2 on Tue Jul 03, 2007 1:43 am

Don't apologize, it added dynamic and was well described. Anyway, on this post, good but you could do with a little more. perhaps more dialog, you did leave it open ended for me which is good and you didn't really force me into any actions which is also good.

Lukas nodded as he watched her down the liquid, smiling to himself lightly as she grimaced at the bitter taste the herbs lent to the concoction. He took the cup and pulled out the herb paste that had collected at the bottom, he held out his hand to her with the herbs perched on his palm, "Apply these to your wounds and they will heal much faster. You need a name... care to think of one for yourself?"

He smiled and turned to stoke the small fire, now that the pressing problem of her bleeding had subsided. He glanced around and decided that it was getting late enough they might as well sleep in the clearing. "We will not make it back to my village by sundown, which is within the hour, I suggest we sleep here tonight as it safer to sleep with a fire in these woods." He pulled out a piece of dried meat and took a bite, relishing in the salty taste.

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Re: RPA: beautiful_littlefool and Azmodai2

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby beautiful_littlefool on Wed Jul 04, 2007 5:40 pm

Ok, sorry for apologizing. Um, just to correct you(again) your character's name is Erik and you put Lukas. But I know what you meant lol.

She did as she was told and gingerly began applying the paste to her wounds. It stung a bit, but the bleeding stopped almost instantly. She smiled up at Erik and asked, " How did you know what herbs to use? There's so many out here..." She then began thinking about a name. Hm.....what names do I know..... She looked around at the plants, deciding which would make for a good name. Certainly not an elm tree, or thistle....NOT pansy....hmmm.... Then her eyes fell on a yellow flower, a narcissus. " That could be a good name," she said to herself quietly. " Hm, Narcissus." She looked over at Erik.
" I think I've found a name. How's Narcissus sound? It's quite grand, but I like it."

She looked at the fire and then up at the sky. It was a dark blue, with streaks of pink and red splashed across it. She heard an owl hoot in the distance, which gave her an uneasy feeling. " Are you sure we can't make it to your village in time? There's still some light" She didn't want to admit she was frightened to him.

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Re: RPA: beautiful_littlefool and Azmodai2

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Azmodai2 on Tue Oct 02, 2007 3:57 am

Well shoot... lol sorry Lukas is from another RPA RP, mah bad. Anyway I know it's a VERY belated post but you asked me to so here ya go :). About your post: Good that you chose a name, a unique one at that. I would like to see more character qualities involved, right now you could be a lot of different women, all of them scared of the dark, injured and owning a unique name. We do see thought and emotion which is great, and you do add to the environment by dictating flora, however I still want a little more descriptive text.

"The herb formulas are common knowledge to the people of my village, and Narcissa would be a little better, Narcissus is a boy's name," he laughed a little at this then looked at the rapidly setting sun. "Unfortunately my village is quite far and to attempt to travel there at night would be beyond foolish. We are far safer in this clearing with a good fire going than we are wandering the forest at night with no light."

He sat next to her and toyed with the handle of his knife, before looking up, "So do you remember anything? I mean do you have any idea how you got here or why? It's kind of odd to find beautiful women alone and battered in the middle of the forest." He stared at her curiously for a moment before tearing off a strip of dried meat and eating it, then offering some to her.

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Re: RPA: beautiful_littlefool and Azmodai2

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby beautiful_littlefool on Sat Oct 20, 2007 11:58 pm

haha, sorry for the belated post as well. I've been busy. and maybe a little lazy. anyway,thanks! I'll try my best for more description and such.

She smiled at him." Alright, Narcissa then." Her smile faded a bit when he told that they would be unable to travel .
" How will we sleep? Certainly you have some sort of shelter..." Narcissa shivered slightly. "And, to keep us warm? It's quite cold. And I don't have much clothing on." She gestured to her ragged tunic and bare legs.

Narcissa thought a moment about Erik's question." Hmmm....I don't think so...certainly it wasn't pleasant-the way I got here I mean. I don't look like I'm in the best of conditions....Certainly you cannot find me beautiful." She stared back at him with the same curiosity,admiring the color of his eyes, which she hadn't noticed until then. She snapped out of her gaze when he offered her a piece of dryed meat. She nibbled on it, savoring it's unusally familiar flavor. Her mind snapped into another world.... A woman, standing by a fire, roasting a plump heifer...A hoard of angry people, brandishing weapons...A dark blurred man, carrying the head of the woman...fire, screams, death....
Narcissa jerked from her thoughts, frightened and confused. She quickly pushed the memories back and turned again to Erik.

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