RPA: Ichigomama and Edge

Introduction POST
First we’ll start with the basics.
The Promise:

In the world of writing, you make a contract between the reader and yourself.

You make a promise. As to what that promise is- it depends on the story and the writer.

In the flipside world of RPG, it’s no different, though instead of making a promise just to the reader, you’re also making a promise to the other writers.

The World is the first part of the Promise, and following the build of the world is very important.

RPGers rely on team work. As a team, we may be as small as 2 or as many as 12 or more. We lean on the post above and take details from that sample of writing to further the story along. Our characters react to what ever is thrown at them by the other players. This is why the Promise is so binding.

But how do you keep the Promise with The World?


FIRST ASSIGNMENT:
If you have a sample of your writing just submit it here. I need to know where you need help. It can be from anywhere just as long as it's something I can use. No poetry, no character stats. If you don't have anything, just say so and I'll post the first lesson.

I don't have any writings recently so I suppose onward to the first lesson?

Lesson ONE:
The Five Senses
No matter where you are, there is always an area. Even in the blackest pits of Oblivion, there is something. You can feel can’t you? Or maybe you can’t. But that’s a feeling too- but more on that some other lesson.
I’ll cut the chase- the three most used senses in writing are are:

Sight
Hearing
Touch

Those three are the most commonly used senses in RPG posts as well. But we’ve got two more not so commonly used.

Taste- Your body is well tuned to taste just about anything you smell. From sweat and blood to peaches and cheese.
Smell- Smell generally is where the action is taking place. From gunpowder to bathrooms, to city smog and rose gardens.

The point is, when you're RPGing, there is a world around you and other RPGers need to know where you are, so using details can help pinpoint where you are, as well as build the world around you to feel more alive.

Your first challenge is to:
~ use a basic human
~ No magic
~ No powers
~ Keep a light back story.
~React to my post.

Bonus: One physical handicap: Blind, deaf, or both, or physical injury that slows the character down. (optional)

The Edge of the World

The waves crashed against the docks as the fisherman pulled their nets from the life giving sea. Tonight the catch would feed the children and the wives. Tonight stomachs could be full because they had worked for the catch. So together the men pulled their nets and grunted with effort as they worked together as fish’s silver scales flashed.

But the fishermen were wary of what they pulled from the mother sea. They understood a balance that the sea took as much life as it gave. A grim reminder of that lay on the horizon shrouded in fool’s gold. Dark arms of a broken ship that had given in to the sirens of mystery were the first warning, for beyond that was the forbidden island. On it a black monster with objects that the fishermen knew nothing of bellowed out a dark fog that would carry in the wind. It was a dim reminder that the sea had its own secrets and histories that mankind was not allowed to know of.

One such fisherman knew the price of the disobedience of the sea’s sacred law as he pulled the catch from the salty waters. He had known the owner of the boat, and the pain of the loss still dully ached whenever he looked at the mangled form of the boat. So instead the fisherman turned his thoughts to the fish the village would sell. What remained of the fish that wasn’t eaten, would be sold to the traders that came by iron cast barges on the days where the sun stayed longest in the sky. Small fish would be pressed for oils and medicines, shells for the artists, pearls for the rich ladies of unnamed cities, and the larger shells for eating utensils would be crafted with care. All of these would end up on the barges that came when the sun was hot. These were the truths of the village, proved by the massive iron ships that moored.

That was what fisherman knew about the truths of life and nothing else; the young man of seventeen looked to the sea and squinted out to the golden waters as the sun sank. Brown hair hung heavily on the back of his heck, blue eyes focused on the sea, he smiled to himself and spoke softly.

“Tonight will be a good night.” Carefully he looked around, spoting old friends and their boats, they too were expecting a large turnout for the market tomorrow. Iron barges lined the far docks and the voices of different nations barked orders as tents, booths, and tables were set.

Yes, this was the start of something else. Tent smiled and threw his rope to the dockhand. "Tomorrow, can't come fast enough."

My best shot, though, my head is still lopsided. Go for it. : )


The crisp smell of saltwater in the air was welcomingly inhaled deeply with a content sigh of a young woman just about the age of seventeen. The crash of ocean waves up against the harbor’s dock lightly floated with the wind coming from the sea. Constant chatter and yelling in different languages rose up from the arriving ships and barges which came for the market the next day.

Once, a few years ago, the local fishermen had picked a decently shallow area near the village to do some idle fishing. The ocean life had been moreover plentiful in those times so an array of creatures, edible or not, were caught in fine amounts. After several hours of casting and pulling nets from the sea, and the sun setting faster, the fishermen’s presumably last catch of the day proved to contain a bit of struggle.

With much effort and salty sweat, along with silvery fish was a seaweed-strewn teenage girl. The fishermen griped with deckhands about the matter for months on and maybe a whole year. The matter became twisted and misconstrued from a girl with no voice being captured to a mermaid being snatched up while lost on her way home. From that time on, no one caught notice of the young girl who still swam near the fishermen’s boats.

The young woman, older now, rose to her feet with some difficulty. Hobbling the slightest bit, her right leg always hindered her in some way, even the most minuscule; hurting it as a young child from landing on a rusty nail while running too fast on the old docks. Yet, she sunk her toes deeply in the warm sand to the point where she met the wet and cold underneath.

“Time to swim, again,” she said to herself, watching the sun carefully as it hid behind the golden horizon.

^_^p Lopsided indeed. Ok, Well tomorrow night I'll have the review posted up and Lesson Two as well, ok?

Good, I'm not crazy! I'm glad you agree even though it's something I need to fix. Anyways, tomorrow night is just fine with me, I'm looking forward to it! I wanna get rid of this lopsided-ness. e_e

Ok, Let’s take this one step at a time ok? I’m going to break this down paragraph by paragraph so to make it easier to read. I’m going to break down mistakes first, and then at the end I’ll have an overview, ok?

The crisp smell of saltwater in the air was 1. welcomingly inhaled deeply with a content sigh of a young woman just about the age of seventeen. The crash of ocean waves up against the 2. harbor’s dock lightly floated with the wind coming from the sea. Constant chatter and yelling in different languages rose up from the arriving ships and 3. barges which came for the market the next day.

1. “welcomingly inhaled deeply”, these three words should not be together. The rythem for the sentence isn’t right and too many “ly” suffixes do not help. For another RPGer, this would not read smoothly and could be confused by the present and past tenses. If you read over this sentence again it’s very shaky. However it can be fixed with a comma and a conjunction. So it should be:

“…the air was welcomed, and inhaled deeply with a content sigh by a woman of almost seventeen years/summers/winters.”

2. “…harbor’s dock lightly floated with the wind coming from the sea.” If I were just looking at the last end of this sentence, I would assume that the dock was floating even with the beginning of this sentence. So we break up the sentence with a comma and specify WHAT is floating on the wind. Clearly not the dock, so it must be the sound of waves crashing. (Remember that waves crashing has several meanings, the physical wave crashing on someone or the sound or the sight of waves.)

The fix for this is easy. All it needs is some rewording and a clearer subject, the sound.
The fix would be:

“The echo of the waves crashing up against the harbor’s dock, floated lightly on the wind coming from the sea.”

3. “Constant chatter and yelling in different languages rose up from the arriving ships and barges which came for the market the next day. ”

Points for the chattering and yelling in different languages, BUT again you’ve fumbled over your words. As an RPer I can’t tell if the barges are here already or will be here for tomorrow. The lesson in this one is to be VERY clear on what’s where and when. This is a matter of TIME.

If the barges are here at the dock:
“…from the arriving ships and [b]barges that had come for the market the next day.”

If the barges are NOT at the dock: “… from the arriving ships and more could be expected from the barges that would come to the market the next day.”

Once, a few years ago, the local fishermen had picked a decently shallow area near the village to do some idle fishing. The ocean life had been moreover plentiful in those times so an array of creatures, edible or not, were caught in fine amounts. After several hours of casting and pulling nets from the sea, and the sun setting faster, the fishermen’s presumably last catch of the day proved to contain a bit of struggle.

Nothing to say in this paragraph very easy to read and follow. My one point is that it should have included the lesson and for that you’ll lose some points.

With much effort and salty sweat, along with silvery fish was a seaweed-strewn teenage girl. The fishermen griped with deckhands about the matter for months on and maybe a whole year. The matter became twisted and misconstrued from a girl with no voice being captured to a mermaid being snatched up while lost on her way home. From that time on, no one caught notice of the young girl who still swam near the fishermen’s boats.

The young woman, older now, rose to her feet with some difficulty. Hobbling the slightest bit, her right leg always hindered her in some way, even the most minuscule; hurting it as a young child from landing on a rusty nail while running too fast on the old docks. Yet, she sunk her toes deeply in the warm sand to the point where she met the wet and cold underneath.

Ok I can see you’re trying to insert a history here passively. My word of advice is that you never put in a history passively. Two reasons: 1. It can easily be misread as present time; 2. If you’re going to put in a history, put it in. Don’t be afraid to give me your character history. But also note you should put your history in italics as an extra measure.

Good that you included some of the lesson.

“Time to swim, again,” she said to herself, watching the sun carefully as it hid behind the golden horizon.

Good ending quote. This wraps up your post very well.



GRADE: 72
LESSON: FAILED
COMMENTS: Over all I would say your post subject was good. But it did not focus on building or expanding the world or giving great detail to it. However the grade is high enough that you’ll be allowed to continue to the next lesson. What you need to focus on is having concrete details and very clearly written actions. As for your next Lesson I will expect you to work both lessons into the RPG. If you don’t we’ll slow down and take another angle to this ok? It could be this isn’t the right angle for you.

Lesson TWO:
Communication

Like opening, the Promise states that RPGer’s rely on teamwork to complete tasks. This requires interactions between characters, both NPC (non playable characters) and normal players. This can be anything between action or dialogue, or both.

Most times those playing NPCs are not submitting stats for that character, but their role in the RPG is usually is clear. Sometimes not. It’s considered rude to control another person’s NPC. This however should not hinder what you can do to the NPC. No, you can’t force words into their mouth, but you can direct their attention and most times make implied movements. This can include “off stage” movements. Off stage movements means you’re putting a character off to the side to do some menial task that’s apart of everyday life, but not needed to be in the limelight of the RPG.

The same goes with a player. The difference is that you can’t force emotions, actions, or words on another player. The interaction with an RPGer is more implied and less direct.

As technical as all this sounds, it’s not. Just let your writing flow, and reread to make sure you didn’t accidentally force anything.

Your Second Challenge:
~ Speak and interact with one NPC of your own
~Speak and interact with one of my NPCs
~Speak and interact with my character.

Higher Level Goals
~ Direct an NPC to a place or get their attention.
~ Imply that a player needs to follow you somewhere.

~Bonus: Your NPC interaction with my NPC and implying they need to go somewhere “off stage”
[hr]


The rough nets bit into Trent’s hands as he took a hold of his catch. Some of the fish still struggling against the rope net that bound them all together.

“Trent! Turn your rudder to starboard!” Trent jerked and turned his rudder to avoid the boat next to his, the youth sharply startled by the sudden snap from his fantasy world.

“What were you looking at?” growled the other fisherman, whom Trent had almost run into.

”Well, have you ever seen sails like that?” Trent pointed to a shadow coming from the east. Out of the dark, the sun’s rays hit revealed a ship of blood red sails.
Jack ran a hand through his silvery hair and squinted his eyes. “Triangle sail, red sails… That would be a Crasian sail. Only once before I have I seen a sail like that… I wonder if it’s the same one. There are so few of those old ships still sailing… still they work better then what the trader’s use.”

The ship drifted close, true to Jack’s word the warlike ship was smaller then Trent expected. There was no sign of life, nor could Trent tell how old the boat was. The youth’s eyes watched the complex form of the sailing vessel even as the storm clouds grumbled in the darkening sky. A hot wind blew and the air grew still. Trent took his long oar and pushed his boat closer to the docks.

Trent turned his attention back to the sea, the storm clouds growing darker as he watched, and the village men worked. The waves became choppier and more then once Trent had to find something more solid to hold onto. The gold of the sun sank away as the last of the fish were worked into the large rope woven baskets that had been sitting out, waiting for this catch to come to fill them. Still Trent watched but then he saw the form of a girl starting to dip into the water.

Before he could call out, Trent felt the heavy body of Jack climb aboard his small fishing vessel. Jack shivered once and looked to the ship that sat in the night waters, dripping ocean on Trent’s deck. "Jack! there's a girl out there!"

Jack looked at Trent and the out to the see. "Blimy... If she don't move she'll be pulled under..." That

Trent leap from the boat, and carefully made his way around the tangles of nets still in the cold ocean to where the girl was in the water.

“There’s a dark ship on the horizon. Red sails like the last rays of the sun.” Carefully Trent was keeping his head above the water as the waters got even more dangerouse. “And if we don't move it's going to take up under!" He watched her, didn't she understand? He tried to lead her back to the docks. "Come on!"

Jack’s voice interrupted Trent's thoughts. “Get to the village and tell the elders we have a guest.”

Who was Jack speaking to? Trent turned, his face greeted with a full slap of a wave. Sputtering out sea water Trent was able to note two deckhands rushing off to the village elders.