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RPA: Skuld and Blade

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RPA: Skuld and Blade

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Skuld on Sat Jun 23, 2007 10:27 pm

The RP

Rules:
1. All posts will be made in first person, past tense.
2. A minimum of 25o words, and a maximum of 75o is set.
3. Do not god mod. If you have questions, ask them. I’d rather address problems before they occur.
4. Though I am lenient and lax I expect to see that some work is being put into this. I won’t write huge lesson plans if we don’t need them. I’d prefer to let this work out as it does.
5. What I say to you are merely suggestions, but I require that any response to them be made in a professional and respectful manner. You don’t have to agree, but please don’t throw it in my face.
6. With any luck we should both post at least once every two days AT THE MINIMUM. I do work two jobs, but I will do my best to be on top of this. And if we can, more than that is certainly welcome.
7. TURN OF YOUR SIG IF YOU HAVE ONE OR I'LL KILL YOU! Kthanxbai. ; )

Disclaimer: As I’ve said before, I want you to grow and stand on your own two feet. I’m just a tool to get you there. I will give you the suggestions I can from the experience I have, and answer any questions that you may have. The most important thing I want you to remember is this: I am here for you, not the other way around. You may disagree with my style, suggestions, or anything else, and that’s fine. I can learn as much from you as you can from me. So, please. Feel free to communicate openly with me.

And now that we’ve gotten all of that out of the way, where shall we start?

Setting: Fantasy world
Season: Autumn
Time: Evening
Location: Tavern, two story, with bar and rooms, a large fireplace in the corner
NPCs: There’s a bartender (male), a few patrons (male and female), and serving girls. (All are human)
Player Character’s Race: Human (for both of us)
Magic: Yes

I want you to start this however you see fit. Is there a brawl going outside? Is one of the serving wenches flirting with your character? Are you sitting in a corner, watching the patrons slide in and out of the doorway? Do you have a room here for the night, or are you just passing through?

I will take your lead.
My plan is to comment on/critique your posts as we go. I will make brief comments at the beginning of my next IC post, and if I have something more in depth or whatnot I will PM you all of that.

So, there we have it, and I look forward to your first IC post.

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Skuld
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Re: RPA: Skuld and Blade

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Blade Miahn Shinne on Sun Jun 24, 2007 1:18 am

The fire in the large brick fireplace in the corner was finally dying down leaving behind nothing but the embers; the dull red glow providing the only light for the man in the corner to be seen by. The shadows covered all of his face but his rather large, crooked nose that basked in the glow of the dying fire, masking whether or not he was reading or watching the few patrons sitting in the tavern.

Raising one of his hands, he wiped a few strands of stray brown hair back into place, then raised his mug and tapped it on the table loud enough for the serving wench, because that’s all you could call someone as old, ugly and flirtatious as she, to hear, “Another.” He watched her sway towards him with the pitcher of ale and nearly gagged. If it hadn’t been for taste of the fine pale ale that was served only at this tavern he wouldn’t have paid for the room on the second floor at all.

Laying the small, leather bound book that had been his entertainment for the past several hours down on the smooth mahogany wood table, he took his ale from the wench and shooed her away, not willing to put up with her attempts to flirt with him. The wretched creature. Why didn’t she just leave this place and die? It would be a far better fate then to contract any illness that may be brought about by carousing with the men that may try to take advantage of her when she leaves this rat infested stink hole.

He took a long pull from his ale and slouched slightly, sighed quietly to himself. Setting his mug down on the table, he reached into the inside pocket of his rib length silver jacket and pulled out the piece of parchment with the wax seal of sword and cross still embedded on a flap. He read the words that the parchment contained for what must have been the one-hundredth time and then set it down and took another long pull from his ale. Why was the monastery sending him on such a mission? He had no experience in such matters as these. With the parchment replaced in his pocket where no one could find nor read it, he felt little at ease but once again picked up his book and began to read.

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Blade Miahn Shinne
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Re: RPA: Skuld and Blade

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Skuld on Sun Jun 24, 2007 2:58 am

Evaluation
Word Count: Exceeds Expectations
Vocabulary: Needs Improvement
Sentence Structure: Needs Improvement
Description: Meets Expectations
Character Development: N/A (I’ll put this off for a few posts)
Character Interaction with NPCs: Meets Expectations

Other Comments: Quickly, this post, the one you just made, is in third person, past tense, which is okay. I was going to go with first person, but I can handle this. So we’ll keep it going like it is, but just so you know, I thought I’d point that out.

You, much like me, are what I like to call a comma whore, which tends to cause a cousin variation of run on sentences. This is not necessarily a bad thing, but one must keep in mind that while it makes sense to us, it may be too choppy for others to read. You may want to consider rewording/reworking your sentences to make them flow more fluidly without the use of so much punctuation.

Now, for vocabulary I put “needs improvement,” for nit picky reasons. I think that your word choice is...okay, but I am convinced it can be better. More descriptive. Instead of, “He watched her sway towards him with the pitcher of ale and nearly gagged,” you could say, “He eyed her swaggering hips attempt the sultry sway they may once of been capable of, but had long since lost, as she set his fresh pitcher before him and turning away with a small wink and toothless grin.” I mean, it’s up to you really. I’d like to say I have the patience to sit down with a dictionary and memorize, but it’d be a lie. XD

I’m going to leave my comments there for now, and give you some IC post. I’ll get more in depth as we move this scene along. I don’t want to be too harsh too early. x_x

Oh! And please tell me if none of this makes sense, or if you’d like me to clarify. I’d be happy to try to explain anything as many times as you need. : )


.: IC :.

The small tavern’s doors crashed open in her wake, as Night waltzed into the dimly lit room. Her smile deepened as she eyed the evening’s guests. Some of them were regulars, men and women who she had grown to love simply because they offered a sense of comfort and reassurance. Old Man Bram seemed to be a fixed piece of décor as he never moved, and these days hardly seemed to even breath. And Edwina’s nearly toothless grin could not bring the room’s newest addition anymore joy.

“Uncle Adom,” she said, upon making it far enough into the room, “isn’t it about time you change those doors? You know one of these days they’re going to flying off the hinges when someone other than lil’ ol’ me comes traipsing through, right?”

A playful grin danced across her face as she spoke to him, niece to uncle. They’d always had a close relationship, since Night’s mother and father had passed on early in her infancy, and since he’d had no children of his own, taking in hid dead brother’s baby girl had not been much of a burden. And with Night three days short of her eighteenth birthday, the two had spent much time together over the years.

She plopped down at one of the rickety bar stools, wondering as she did every time, if the poor old wood would be able to withstand her weight. Though she was not a large person by any stretch of the imagination, the groan of the stool below her was not a comforting sound. But after a few moments of shifting and weight balance she seemed to find the happy place for the piece of antique furniture, leaving her free to resume her conversation.

“So, full house to night,” she inquired, asking either her uncle or Edwina. The town had been far busier the last few nights, and though Night did not know why she did know that it was good for business. Her uncle was in desperate need of money, and filling his Inn would be the best way to keep the cash flow steady.

“Is it, my dear,” Adom responded moments later, under his breath as he simultaneously thanked one of his guests for their third mug. He watched as she pivoted, turning toward the rest of the room, to watch people, as she sometimes did, and a warm, fatherly heat began to consume. He was proud of her, and the beautiful woman she’d become, just like her late mother.

But Night was not paying attention to her uncle, nor to anyone but the stranger by the fire with a leather bound book. She didn’t recognize his face, nor the way he sat, hunched over his book, desperately clinging to the dying fire’s light. Her curiosity had already gotten the best of her, a fault she knew she would never out grow, and she reached behind the bar, quickly grabbed one of the mugs Adom had just filled, and made her way through the tables to the man.

He might talk to her...he might not. Either way, she was ready to find out. Setting the mug beside his current drink, she smiled, waiting to see if he would look up from his book.

(( I’m sorry this is so short, and choppy. It’s four am, and my brain is fried. But I wanted to get this ready for whenever you get the next chance to get in. So, see you soon! ))

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Skuld
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Re: RPA: Skuld and Blade

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Blade Miahn Shinne on Sun Jun 24, 2007 4:51 pm

’If nurtured in the correct manner, these plants can grow to lengths between 22 and 26 centimeters. Each branching from the main stem can at most produce 4 pods, which when shelled provide the fruit needed for (untranslated writing)’ He closed the book softly, setting it down on the table in front of him. He caressed the creased leather of the cover almost lovingly, then pulled his hand away.

Rubbing his eyes, he turned his head slowly towards the young woman who was staring at him, “Miss, have you ever heard of the Ruins of Tigorin? It matters not, they aren’t of importance, but what is is this book. It contains the descriptions to hundreds of herbs and poisonous plants that many healers have never heard of, and that’s just what has been translated so far. This is one of two copies of what we’re calling the Tigorin botany guide. I personally am not a healer. I am a monk trained by the monastery in the ways of earth magic. What I want to know from you Miss, since you are the first to come over to me that does not work here, is do you know this land well?”

Sighing, he slowly leaned back into the depths of his chair, smoothing his loosely hanging black trousers. He looked up and stared at her, his light blue, almost grey eyes dull in the dying light of the fire; offering her no courtesy as simple as a name or a seat as she had yet to give him one. He rested his hands in his lap, pressing the tips of each long, thick finger together with just the slightest pressure until they became a shade paler then the already pale cream they were, and waited for her to speak.

He didn’t mind watching her. She had such a lovely quirk of a smile.

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Blade Miahn Shinne
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Re: RPA: Skuld and Blade

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Skuld on Mon Jun 25, 2007 8:44 pm

Word Count: Meets Expectations
Vocabulary: Meets Expectations
Sentence Structure: Needs Improvement
Description: Meets Expectations
Character Development: N/A (I’ll put this off for a few posts)
Character Interaction with NPCs: N/A
Character Interaction with PCs: Meets Expectations

Other Comments: There are only a few things I am going to point out in this post. Firstly, and this is a bit nit-picky, but when using numbers one through one hundred you must type them out completely. I do realize that you were quoting a passage from the book, and the book may have them as you typed them, so this is just a reference comment.

Book titles, like “Tigorin’s Botany Guide”, must be capitalized, and either underlined or italicized. Just for the record.

Some other grammatical things, in the sentence,

I personally am not a healer.


The correct punctuation would be: “I, personally, am not a healer.” But again, these are a bit nit-picky. But mastery of grammar comes with practice and one’s personal dedication to learning your craft, as it were. This is a skill that you must put work into yourself. I will point out some glaring errors, but there are others, and I hope that you will take the time to re-read your posts and see what improvements you can find yourself. : )

One for quick thing about PC interaction. For the most part you did a fabulous job describing your character against mine. You didn’t assume much about her (except the quirky smile), and gave me room to respond to both your words and actions. I am very pleased with the way you did that.

As for how you transitioned what I talked about in my last post to this, superb. And thank-you for making it obvious that you take what I say into consideration when making your next posts.


.: IC :.

He began speaking before she had the time to eye him as carefully as she would have liked, and against her mind’s better judgment she began focusing on his words rather than the rest of him. It did surprise her that he was so open and trusting with information that sounded more than a little private, even to her young and inexperienced ears. But she was a polite girl, and listened carefully to everything he had to say.

He seemed weary to her, a feeling that she saw in the faces and the way many of the patrons of the tavern seemed to embody. As she watched him rub his eyes, knowing that the mugs of ale he’d been consuming would eventually begin to console is tired soul, she smiled gently, wondering how it was that he had come across such a book with such powerful information. Even as the student of a monastery it was not something that anyone would simply “come across”.

“Ruins of Tigorin,” she questioned, when he finished. “Well, I certainly do know this area well, better than most people you’ll find. I spent my whole life growing up in this place. So if you’re looking for a guide, I’m your best bet. But I’m not sure I know of a place called that...unless it’s the old stone city in the northern woods...”

She hesitated at the last, knowing that if that was the place he wanted to go offering her services as a guide was probably the least intelligent idea she’d had in a long time. But as always, her curiosity gripped her like the cold hand of death, unyielding and insistent. She wanted to know what a strange traveler would have to do in the areas of the woods that the natives would not willingly approach.

She flicked a bit of her ebony colored hair over her shoulder, giving more light to her dark chocolate eyes. The deep tan of her hand fell back to her side as she kept her eye trained on the man before her, wondering if this was the choice that would get her into all the trouble her uncle had promised her when he’d realized what kind of child she was.

Raising the hand once more, she extended it toward the man, adding just a few words, “My name is Night, and who are you?”

Her smile didn’t fade, as she patiently awaited his response.

(Again, long day at work. Still a bit fried.)

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Skuld
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