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I understand where you're going with this, establishing a rhythem, but it's not needed here because you don't see it repeated anywhere else in the post. Because of that, this line feel awkward to read, much less say.DreadLord wrote: And as the heat from the setting sun, different to that of the morning, to that of the noon day rays that cast upon his pale skin.
It's alright to have shorter sentences. This whole paragraph is three sentences long when it should be several. Also this paragraph is too wordy. Too many descriptions in one place loses the value of the descripton in whole.The wind from the sea, a great salty, fresh, slightly damp breeze, warm in the summer months, as it now was. A deep inhalation from his nose allowed the scent of the sea to fill him, as the light spray hit his face, each tiny droplet of water feeling cool and fresh upon his skin, smooth, clean shaven, the smile was perpetuated across his features.
Note where I cut off the sentence. It flows better now that two different subjects have their own sentence. The sentence above is a perfect opener to the subject of blindness.He was not sure when, it was during early childhood, he had lost his sight.
All he knew was that the blindness that some considered an ailment PERIOD It was caused by an illness of some kind, although what illness had brought it about, he did not know.
Ok, yes I cut out some of the last bit. We need to focus on this part. This is not too wordy. This is a long run-on that needs to be several sentences ending in "?"'s before bringing the paragraph to an end.If his eyes were operating as they should be, would he truly be focusing on the sounds of the waves crashing, the smell of the salt in the air, the feel of the spray upon his face, the sweet sounds of birds floating overhead ---
Okay, here's my post. In regards to the poem that you took as a sample, you must realise that it was in no way aimed to be a Role Playing post, just simply a piece of writing that was in response to the prompt.
Tip jar: the author of this post has received 0.00 INK in return for their work.
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