Shattered Shells In My Feet {Comments Welcomed}

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Shattered Shells In My Feet {Comments Welcomed}

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby ᏝᏋᎥᏗ on Sat Dec 06, 2014 2:16 pm

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WARNING: The piece below deals with mature and dark subjects such as loss and suicide. Please read at your comfortability and risk.
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ȶhe first time I saw you
I didn't know whether to fall into your arms or fly into the sky blue
I was frightened and scared but I think you knew
So you just stood and grasped my hand and let me come to

ɖidn't you know? You were the first alive person with a beating heart
A beautiful walking piece of art
To ever pierce my soul with a flying dart
I hadn't ever seen someone that looked like me or felt like me, but it was if we knew each other from the start

ɨ went on my tippy toes and whispered in your ear,
"I have an unborn life growing within me, my dear."
Nobody else knew of my secret since no one was ever near
So you nodded your head and smiled down
"Let me help you birth this new light, soon everything will be clear."

ʍy trust in you only grew stronger
Day by day, nothing felt wronger
I guess I was so caught up in love, I hadn't a brain no longer
I felt like there was anything out there together we could conquer

ɮut one morning, I woke up without you in empty sheets
I knew instantly that there was something that didn't meet
I stepped on the cold ground with my sleepy feet
And was met with a sharp pain, a one that wasn't kind to greet

ȶears began to roll down my cheeks as I screamed out in dread
Sparks of pain ran through my tiny feet as they bled
Gasps echoed as I bowed my head
And caught a sight of shattered shells mixed with red

ɨ knelt down slowly on my knees
The small life that we had taken care of was no longer depending on me
The growing egg that I had been carrying through fields and under that big oak tree
Was now shattered into a thousand sharp pieces, no life ahead of it but somehow now free

ʀage than engulfed my feelings within me
"I cannot live anymore. I must flee."
I ran out with bloodied trails left in the outdoor greens
"I cannot live with my murderous love; I knew it was he."
He unlocked my heart, but threw away the key
He killed my spirit and my baby along with thee

ʍy feet came near a cliff that fell off the edge of the sweet land, so fair
The wind raised up and blew through my hair
I spread my wings and let go of my care
"I will fly this time, not fall. I will fly into the air."

ǟnd so I did, I dropped. My feet slipped off and I flew with my wings
I had a broken heart, but that was only one of many things
I'll never get to see my baby grow, see the way it talks and walks and sings

ǟnd to live with the rotting fact that my love took everything away
I choose to fly, not continue to stay
In that dreadful world I lived in that day


Copyright© || ᏝᏋᎥᏗ






Thanks for reading! ^^ I hope you liked it. I wrote this shortly after I watched the animated movie Angel's Egg which is a beautiful movie. This poem is loosely based off of the movie, and I think someone would have more understanding on what the poem is about if they'd watched the movie. So, if you have the time and patience, please go check out the movie. It also needs some imagination to figure out what this poem is truly about whether you have or have not seen the movie~

Please comment your thoughts below. Constructive criticism is also appreciated. ;)


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ᏝᏋᎥᏗ
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Re: Shattered Shells In My Feet {Comments Welcomed}

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby FaddedFox on Sun Feb 14, 2016 7:57 pm

Before I begin, I'd like to say that I really liked this line: And caught a sight of shattered shells mixed with red

That imagery if very good and can imagine it quite clearly.

So there is a lot of emotion in this poem but I think it can actually be stronger if you didn't try so hard to rhyme everything. I feel like you were more worried about rhyming in some stanzas than the flow of the story you are telling. For example:

"ʍy trust in you only grew stronger
Day by day, nothing felt wronger
I guess I was so caught up in love, I hadn't a brain no longer
I felt like there was anything out there together we could conquer"

You are so focused on the 'onger' rhyme. 'Day by day, nothing felt wronger'. If you didn't force yourself to rhyme you could have made this line more powerful with word choice. Same goes with the 'brain no longer'. There are a multitude of more inspiring ways to say something like that. Some poems are actually much better without the rhyme and a poem this dark would benefit if you try to focus more on the word choice rather than rhyme. I hope I am making sense XP. I just feel like a lot of the pain in this poem is detached because of the focus on rhyme.

Also a couple of your lines were very long. It may do it more justice to break the sentences down to something shorter or maybe have some transition from longer lines to shorter ones for some added drama.

Last thing; a lot of the stuff you mentioned is abstract but I think having an earthy feel and sensation would help. I think that is one of the reasons why I love your bloody seashell line. It brings it all back down to physical descriptors to ground us. You did a really good job with that image so you should plant more of those bits throughout. :3
“What are you?" she asked.
"A monster," said Kell hoarsely. "You'd better let me go."
The girl gave a small, mocking laugh. "Monsters don't faint in the presence of ladies."
"Ladies don't dress like men and pick pockets," retorted Kell. Her smile only sharpened.
"What are you really?"
"Tied to your bed," said Kell matter-of-factly.
"And?" His brow furrowed.
"And in trouble.”
― Victoria Schwab, A Darker Shade of Magic

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