Snippet #1346752

I always woke up easy and not for the same reasons everyone who woke up early seemed to. I didn't wake up early because it was built into my body, didn't wake up early because someone woke me, didn't wake up early cause of my alarm. None of the reasons anyone could possibly think of for bothering to wake up much earlier than they were supposed to. I woke up early because of the fear and dread that I would wake up completely and utterly alone - like always. And of course I did wake up in a rather normal sized rooom by myself; alone. With absolutely no one around because I was a menace to both myself and anyone around me. I was alone because it was 'easier to watch me' than if I was in a room with other people who had problems. Easier to make sure I was taking care of myself. Easier to make sure I wasn't trying to kill myself. But they didn't understand that putting my alone in a room with no one around was just making it harder for me to want to stay alive and keep healthy. It made me want to end it faster because I was afraid of being alone, afraid of being unloved. Only alone people weren't loved - only unloved people were alone.

I stayed there in my bed with my eyes on the ceiling because I didn't want to look around my personless room and know that I was the only one it in and would always be the only one in it. I always took pills to fall asleep when it was time for bed because I couldn't handle being in a dark room alone with no one there to be with and no one there to run to when I thought Sabrina was coming. Coming at me with that knife that caused red to bleed onto skin - staining then fading. It was so disgusting and ugly all in itself, for itself. What she did left scars on skin she could hide from her parents and on me the scars had faded but were still there; just light.

Of course they would never know that because I would never tell them when they asked. What happened to you? I was abused; what else if there to know? Was it physical as well as mental? Wouldn't there be marks on my body? We can see the light scars. I get hurt a lot. I'm a clumsy person. Do you self-harm yourself? How can I with you taking away everything I can do it with? Did you? Depends on what that means.

Answers always written because I can't speak. Not won't. Can't.

Stupid constant questions because for all they knew I was some insane mental case who only thought about myself every second of the day like some sort of pain lover. I don't enjoy being in pain. I didn't enjoy ever being in pain. That's why I can't keep being alone like this. It'll drive me to extreme things I really don't want to do. Just... if they would let me stay in a room with other people who I can be around and know that they'll be around if i need it. I know how those people with room mates are close to them - they defend each other. Yet here I am all alone in a room with no one to take comfort in because they want to 'watch' me and make sure I don't kill myself.

Give me a friend and I'll be fine.

Give me love and I'll be great.

Damn I seriously feel like I'm going to throw up because all of this alone crap is making me dizzy. I know I can leave but I'm afraid of there being no one on the other side of the door and the hallway is huge. Open spaces plus no people equals suicidal me. It's fucked up and odd I know but who are you to judge me. You try living you're whole life alone in lrge spaces and unloved by anyone. You'd become afraid of it too. You'd crave it too.

Besides; it's not like I'll be alone too long. Right?