Snippet #1544297

It wasn’t the voice that had shocked me because I’m used to voices being said out of the blue from places I can’t see and it isn’t a rare occurrence for me – not in that sense anyway. What had shocked me was the flyers that suddenly lifted into the air and fluttered back to the ground and the instant and gratuitous amounts of sorry that Marley spit out. I had wanted to help but I saw that it was my turn to order and I didn’t want to let people behind me go ahead because that meant I’d have to wait longer and I hate waiting longer than I actually have to. Plus I bet Marley would appreciate if I had a hot coffee waiting for him so he could douse his embarrassment in it. Not that he had any reason to be embarrassed because he looked completely adorable. Wrong word. Oh well, roll with it because I have nothing else to offer you people. I just have me and these thoughts running in my mind that I wish would stay in the light instead of straying off into that dark place I keep barricaded and locked for this exact reason. The words I say always come out wrong when this happens because I’m trying to sugar coat words that would otherwise be shunned.

The woman standing behind the counter looks at me as if I’ve really inconvenienced her day by telling her the specifics of my coffee but from my side she’s inconveniencing me. I have money – I don’t need to work and if my helping her get paid is bothering her I can just leave. “Please,” I add and I smile a little. I do kind of feel bad because I’ve never had to do a single thing for myself until I moved out two years ago and even then my mother insisted on sending people to my home to do things for me. It’s severely tampering with my independence but these days I’m managed to turn them away without them having done a single thing but I keep them around long enough to make my mother think they have done something. Obviously if they ratted me out I wouldn’t be affected in any way but they would in the sense that they would most likely be fired for failing to do the job that they were hired to do in the first place. She’d probably tell them that I’m just stupid and young and don’t know what I want so they have to show me what I want. Little does she know I know very well what I want and I would just about give her a heart attack if I ever said it in the language she holds so close.

She blushes light pink when I hand her more than our drinks are even worth and tell her to keep the change as her own personal tip – I do feel like an ass at the moment. Less gentlemanly than I normally am because she isn’t someone I really have to impress in order to gain life points. Not that I’ve ever really been after life points to begin with for it’s more likely that I’ve been after ‘MOM’ points. Mom would hate the drinks I have in my hands because common store coffee isn’t worthy of the rich but it smells more than amazing right now and I turn to hand one to Marley. But that was paused because not only had he turned to talk to whoever had called him but I’d seen someone I talk to. The man I’d come to know as Benvolio stood there holding the door open for a girl who looked younger than even me but I knew him and I knew that it was nothing more than that refreshing kindness he offered to everyone. When he lifted a hand I wanted to reciprocate but the coffees clasped in my hands made it difficult but it didn’t matter – I’d seen what I needed to.

Just the smallest glint, a fracture of a figment of light, reflected off of something wrapped around his middle finger and the colour was one I’d memorized. No one else had that colour and nothing else could be that colour because only one other person I knew had it and only one other person would ever wear it. It hit me like a brick through a window and the world as it was shattered and in a haste put itself back together. Everything looked exactly the same and I was exactly the same but everything was different and I was different and I couldn’t accept that. “Mars, I’m putting our stuff down on that table,” I muttered as I pointed to a table nearby. “I’m just going to go say hello to my friend.” I didn’t bother to explain who or why because I know I’m not the kind of person to bother with saying hello to anybody. But Julius was different. I love him. I can’t let this slip by without repercussions on his behalf so that he can repent for what he’s done to my psyche. Had I know Ben was Julius this whole time I doubt I would have Marley, I would have become this alcoholic whore and I doubt I would have become a pessimistic human being.

I didn’t say anything, didn’t give any kind of warning and I sure didn’t think about giving any kind of warning. I just picked up the hand he had held up in greeting like I had always used to and lifted it to examine it for that flash I’d seen. And I was right, there it sit, looking oh so innocent and oh so natural like it had belonged there. It did belong there and it belonged on me which was why I was so hurt and confused as to why he would even lie to me when all this time all I’ve been hoping for is to meet him again. Just meet him. I didn’t want anything from him and I know I don’t want to go back to how we’d used to be when just being around each other was enough. I wanted to cry. I wanted to hit him. I wanted to never see him again. I wanted to be impulsive and act out all the built up feelings that have been sitting in my mind for the past six years. There was nothing I could do.

“We’ll know each other forever right? Forever and ever and we’ll never ever not know each other even if Mama were to find out?”
“Of course Milo. I’ll never be separated from you even if your mother tells us we can’t be side by side. Always. I’ll be your own personal angel who makes sure you grow up to be a brilliant young man.”
“Julius?”
“Yea?”
“Te quiero.”

And suddenly the fit of anger I’d been in was gone – he hadn’t lied to me at all. He had said all those years ago that he would never be separated from me, that we’d always be side by side. Julius has been here, with me, hurting himself in ways I could never just to see me. “Why?” It wasn’t fair that he was left to suffer alone while I blindly and happily went on living in the ignorance that I would never see him again. “Why didn’t you tell me? Why didn’t you fucking tell me?” I don’t want to be with Julius the way I had wanted to the first three years after my mother had made sure he and I never close again. I’m happy. Truly happy, with Marley. But if I can have Julius back, just as a friend – even just as that guy who I have coffee with sometimes – I’d be happier. I wonder if he knows. I hope he does. I believe I may have let it slip once and maybe that little burst of joy I got whenever Marley texted while I was around him was hint enough. He pieces things together. Julius is smart.

Smarter than me anyway. I don't use rational thinking because my brain automatically starts to warp everything to make him look like the bad guy for if he isn't then I am. It shows me nothing than that he lied and that he left me in the dark for the past year or so that I've known him. He's the one to blame for his own suffering and for my ignorance. I can pin all of this on him because I'm the good guy here and I would have told him everything I knew if I knew what he did and he knew what I did. Julius has known for the longest time and has known who I am but he let me go on thinking he was some other person he wasn't. It wasn't fair. It's not fair. "Fuck you."

And I punched him.