Snippet #1554431

I had not wanted him to start laughing.

Not that I’m very surprised because he always did the oddest things that people normally would never do normally and I knew this about him. He would always laugh when people wouldn’t laugh and get upset when people wouldn’t get upset. I don’t know what it is but it’s charming about him in a not so charming way but then again I’m always swept away by the ones people see as oddities. Except Marley. But he’s special in a way that words can’t begin to describe. Words can’t describe Julian either but words aren’t needed because he describes himself just by walking down the street with that confidence of his. That cool analytical confidence that shames my pride into the nether regions of my mind that I can’t reach it to drag it back up. Always, always. No matter if it’s been six years or if it had been twenty years he’ll always have that effect on me – and it makes me want to hit him again. I’ve been living in my own pride for six years, built up this perfectly executed persona over those same years and have moved on. I’ve become someone independent of him and here he comes knocking down every peg I’ve ever built up against him. It isn’t fair.

I’ve wanted it for so long.

Then he had to go and say he missed me and I knew that my breath was falling short of my lungs needs. I would have responded had I not heard a voice I’d come to want to hear. It was more important to me that Marley sounded hurt than that Julian had missed me. I dropped my guard and let go of the tension I had built up in my arms in preparation to hit him again. There was no need for the violence. No need for the amount of anger that I had felt coursing through my veins. It was gone anyway. All of it expelled in the single punch I’d delivered to the face I had so badly wanted to remember. I wouldn’t forget this time. I refused to forget. I would memorize everything I could and burn it into the tissue of my brain. “Yea,” I bluntly said back. I was feeling little of anything. His appearance had caused my immediate anger and the immediate numb that came after. “You too.” I couldn’t think of anything to say to make this have that ‘warm reunion’ kind of feeling that I had always imagined our meeting being at first.

It occurred to me that he would wonder who Marley was and I wanted to tell him, to shove it into his face and force him to accept it. Make so it painfully obvious that he could never have me again. “Julian.” I said it in such a professional tone you wouldn’t think just moments before I had punched him with all the hatred I could have possibly had. I turned to Marley, smiled and unconsciously ran my hand through his hair. I moved closer to him and leaned to whisper in his ear. “Sorry. I’ll explain all this later.” I stood up and grasped onto the bottom of my shirt and tugged to straighten it out; following by adjusting my glasses. A deep breath in and I turned after taking hold of Marley’s hand because he was more comforting than anything else could ever be. I was happy just to know that he was there and that he would continue to be there. (Not exactly in that spot but I hope you know what I mean.) And maybe this whole time I’ve been craving comfort. In the endless amounts of liquor filled bottles, in the meaningless sex with people I didn’t care about and in the stone set metal of a ring set on my finger. But I’ve finally found a permanent one.

“Julian this is Marley Kincaid.” I didn’t know why it was so hard. In front of him I was able to say anything. “My boyfriend,” I finished just as steadily as I’d started. Out of needed reflex I squeezed Marley’s hand. I was nervous, disrupted and I felt like I was betraying someone I’d vowed everything to. Everything was flitting through my head all at one time. Every word, every promise, every lie, every truth, every laugh, every tear, every kiss, every touch… everything. It was flooding into the forefront of my mind at such a quick speed in such a large quantity that I wanted to cry out in pain and down as many Advil as my body can handle. Or I wanted to pass out. Or maybe I wanted to cry and then pass out. Either way I was doing one or the other or both. Didn’t matter which one it happened to be. I would prefer if I just passed out thought because feeling pain isn’t quite my forte though I feel like I’m in excruciating pain right now. Mental pain. Maybe physical pain. Physical pain because I wasn’t quite prepared for how much I’d want him after six years. But I don’t. I do but I don’t. I do want him but I don’t want him in the least.

I want everything to do with him but I don’t want to have a single thought about him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. But I love him. I love him. I love him. No, I don’t feel anything for him. He’s just Julian now. Never was but now will always be. I have Marley and Marley is all I need. And then my heart seemed to stammer in my chest and my vision suddenly went blurry. “Marley Kincaid.” …. “My boyfriend.” It felt a whole lot more real suddenly since I’d managed to say it out-loud and too my freaking ex for that matter. The first person I’d ever told and it had to be the person who had been my first everything. Not that anyone but me would know just how fucked up that was but to me it felt like a huge step forward apart from the shadow I’d been living in. Like stepping outside to see snow for the first time. Really. Living in Spain you don’t get to see much snow except for on TV and that just doesn’t do the crisp, clean purity of snow justice. Ten years old and seeing snow for the first time? It’s like taking a cold shower. Shocking, petrifying and amazing all at the same time. I sometimes wonder if I still have a part of that accent that used to saturate my voice so heavily back then.

Have I screwed up?