Snippet #1754220

We pulled away. The chill of the winter air stung my lips and the underside of my hand as they no longer touched her warm body, and all over again I had a rush of whirling feelings. My stomach twisted in regret. Oh, what had I done? Sure, she made the first move, but i went along with it, i went right along! Considering all I said earlier about not being able to do this so quickly, i probably was sending all sorts of confusing mixed signals to the poor woman. I shouldn't have done that. Why did I do that?
Because I wanted it. That's why. That much was clearly apparent as I almost had to force my hands back down at their sides to keep from embracing her again. The feeling was so natural and right that it seemed strange that all i could think to myself was that i shouldn't feel that way...that I couldn't. Maybe it was my ego, my 'legend' manifesting within me. The elusive Rohaan Ja'aisen can't fall in love! He doesn't fall in love, he answers to no one and gives himself to no one. That's how the rumors went. And a part of me began to believe it. After all, how could someone like me, someone so impermanent and reckless ever fully understand love?
And then I remembered I did. There was a time when I gave myself, all of myself, to another person. A woman. A woman I loved. Yes, i loved her. I remembered my devotion to her and the way i felt when she smiled at me or when she spoke my name. I remember the joy i felt when she was happy. So Rheoaan Ja'aisen was capable of love. The question was, was this love?

Constance pulled back like my very figure was venomous and became withdrawn. Had I said something? Done something? Perhaps I did it all wrong.
"Fun. Yeah. Fun..." the words came out like bricks; slowly, heavily and with almost some...what was that? Not regret... Wait! i wanted to shout. That wasn't what i meant! But before I could explain myself, she was already off and changing the subject. I watched her go and couldn't move for a moment. What was I supposed to do? What was i supposed to say? I didn't know and I had no way of knowing--i could hardly even decipher my own thoughts and emotions.

"Dun just stand there, Rohaan...." The voice made me turn sharply to find Ji'ien, who was likely ordered to stay in the infirmary and do what he could while Audaj and the others interrogated the captive soldier. He'd given the traumatized vokurian to his two female comrades to be taken care of, and on his way back, he saw Constance and I and our...exchange. His hair, crazy and multi-directional, matched the wild, bright look in his blue eyes, and he wore a small grin.
Turning back towards the door, i murmured, "It's not like that, Ji'ien..." No, it's much more complicated than that...
"Jo'a!" ((liar))
I dont know what happened, but i swiveled around on the ball of my foot, caught his shirt in one hand and his face against the open palm of another. Ji'ien yelped like a startled dog whose tail had been stepped on, but, grinning, he retaliated with a teasing strike of his own--his hand, of course, stayed open. In real fights, vokurian used fists. in little scuffles, only open hand-strikes were acceptable. "Quiet, you..." i growled, using my grip on his shirt to twist him into a more submissive position
"Aa-oo!" he howled in pain as i contorted his arm behind his back. Still, he was chuckling. "Tele'a'jahi! Oi! There ain't nothin' wrong with it, I'm just sayin'..."
"Well don't."
"Why not? She feels a'ayan to you, don't you see it?" ((lit: "a high degree of loyalty" but is also the word for love))
"Yes, yes I do," i admitted quietly. "But i'd rather not speak of it."
"Why not?" he asked again. he twisted his head up in an attempt to look at mine, in turn making his plumes of hair tickle my neck. He studied my face for a moment, then, as his eyes trailed down to the bronze coin tying off my small braid, it clicked. "Oh. Oh I see." He relaxed in my grip--a surrender--and i let him up. "Can't let her go, mm?"
"Silence, Ji'ien."
"It's okay to," he continued, despite my warning glare. "My mum wore the bronze too, but she found her gold. You can too, Phoenix." (("wearing the bronze" is a term that describes wearing the bronze coin--it means to be widowed. "wearing the gold" refers to finding love again and adding a gold coin in addition to the bronze one.))
I turned away, back towards the infirmary and answered him in a small voice, "i have things to do, Ji'ien. Come help with the injured." Wordlessly and like a disappointed dog, he followed and set about being useful. My eyes sought out constance as I stepped through the door. What needed to be done? Finding clothing again would come when i had a moment to do so, partly because my time was better spent in the infirmary than looking for a shirt and partly because it'd get bloodied anyhow.

Ji'ien, in the midst of carrying out soiled rags, caught Constance by the arm with two fingers and whispered, "Don't lose hope. On Ro, i mean." he winked a little. "He avoids the conversation, but he feels a'ayan to you, i know it. if he says otherwise, he is jo'a." he was about to continue on his way, when he realized he'd mixed his languages again. "Er....he feels....l-loyalty? Is that the word? Nah, something else. He likes you. A lot. and if he doesn't admit it, he's not...telling the truth...what's that word again?"