Snippet #2119312

BGM: Higan Retour ~ Riverside View - Amaryllis

I lay in my bed, staring up at the roof as the moon's silvery rays streamed faintly in from the tiny window above me. Try as I might, I just couldn't sleep. A mix of excitement and fear stayed my thoughts, and no matter how many times I shut my eyes or shifted to a more comfortable position, I simply was unable to enter the blissful unconsciousness I so desired, and I found my azure gaze always refocusing and searching the room around me.

It wasn't just that I was too excited by the sudden return of my old friends, although that was part of the problem. It was that I was... afraid, although I was a little reluctant to admit it. The room was dark, the moonlight providing only just enough illumination to draw the shadows around me into full relief, as though I were surrounded by a continuously writhing mass of featureless, consuming darkness, providing a blank canvas on which my various worries and anxious thoughts could paint themselves freely, giving life to my terror and strength to my fear. It might have seemed silly, but I couldn't help but realize that I was in an unfamiliar room in an unfamiliar place, and this made all the difference. In my room at the heart of my tower, I knew exactly what everything was, and where it was stored. I knew I was safe there, that it was my own little world apart from the scary unknown beyond its walls. But here, despite the fact that I had spent a large part of my childhood here, so much had changed that I couldn't help but be terrified by the overwhelming knowledge that I didn't know anything about this place... or what sorts of things might be here.

Worse yet, however, was the fact that I was alone. My friends had all gone to sleep in the other cabins on the ship, leaving me to my own devices here in the dark. There was nobody to keep me company, to drive away my fears, and nobody to help me if something were to happen during the night. That crushing feeling of solitude was even worse than my fear of the unknown world around me. During the day, and when I was at home in my safe, comfortable room in the tower, I felt powerful, like I could believe in myself. Right now, however, I was just a lone, helpless child, scared as I lay by myself amongst the frightening shadows of night time.

Finally, I could no longer take it. I rose shakily from my bed, and donned the pair of sandals I'd found in the chest of clothing. Nervously, I made my way across the room, keeping my eyes peeled for anything in the darkness and my hands raised, searching for the door that my poor eyes would not let me see. Naturally, I forgot completely about the fact that there were other things in the room too low for my hands to touch before I crashed into them, and after only about two steps, my foot caught on the edge of the clothing chest, and I quickly found myself tumbling to the ground for what seemed like the thousandth time that day. While it wasn't unusual for me to fall several times, it still caused me no end of frustration when it happened.

I gave a quiet squeak of fright, sure that something had just grabbed my leg and dragged me down. I practically bounced off the wooden floor, rising back to my feet in an instant and scurrying toward the door, my eyes darting around in the darkness as I searched for the invisible predator I was sure was about to attack me. When I realized that the only things in the room were shadows, I calmed myself somewhat, but the fear was still there, and I could no longer simply try to ignore it.

Embarrassing as it was to admit, I needed someone's company. My tired mind, remembering who exactly was on this ship, fixated almost immediately upon Eden, my closest friend of all, even if he didn't remember the time we had shared. I momentarily forgot the fact that he was sick and tired, and thus probably wouldn't be of much use as a comforter, although I had no doubt that his mere presence would have calmed my mind immensely. Reasoning thusly, I made my way out of the cabin, taking some slight reassurance in the moonlight that streamed down from above, giving my eyes a means of sight once again and helping me to avert the many accidents I doubtless would have suffered otherwise. Creeping softly across the rotten, damp wooden floor, I quickly made my way to the cabin opposite my own, in which Eden was staying. Silently opening the door, I tip-toed in.

To my surprise, in the half-light that filled the room from outside, I was able to quite clearly see that there was more than one shape at the cabin's center. Not only was Eden lying slumbering upon the bed, but Ceridwen, whom I had not in the least expected to see there, was lying on the floor by Eden's side, comfortably curled up near him. Why she was there, I couldn't begin to guess. Had she been unable to sleep, like me, and so come to seek attention and companionship, as I had? She hadn't been that sort of person, that I could remember, though. Maybe she had come to nurse Eden overnight, and make sure he was okay? That was a possibility, I supposed. They probably would have asked her, a friend they remembered and loved, over me, some stranger and outsider to their group, anyway, so it made sense they hadn't told me about it. Even still, though, wouldn't Eric have been the one to take care of his brother? That was how it had always been in the old days, so why would that role be relegated to Ceridwen all of a sudden? Maybe she had asked to? She was caring enough to do that, but still, it seemed a bit odd that, if Eden's health was a concern, Eric wouldn't be here too.

Well, I couldn't come up with a reason for it, regardless. I hesitated in the doorway, wondering what I should do. I couldn't just wake both of them up, asking if I could stay with them. That would have been both rude and embarrassing, and that ruled it out entirely. But, on the other hand, I couldn't sleep by myself. Being alone was scary. So... what should I do? A few moments of hesitation settled the matter. I... wouldn't bother them. I'd just be a burden, and they were both needed their rest. I'd just make do by myself, and handle my fears like I always did. That was the most I could do, for them, and for myself.

And so, I shut the door, and walked away. My feet tapped almost noiselessly against the deck as I wandered aimlessly out into the open beneath the mainmast, looking around myself with an air of sad reminiscence and resigned melancholy. It seemed that I wasn't going to be getting much sleep tonight, so I supposed that I'd just have to accept that fact and move on. Giving a quiet sigh, I wandered restlessly back and forth, pacing across the deck, seemingly the only thing alive in an empty world. Unconsciously, I found myself taking a hold of the somewhat tattered and twisted rigging, which, despite its age, was still firm enough to support my weight, and, carefully so as not to fall, climbing ever upward towards the crow's nest situated just beneath the tree branches above. I didn't really know why, but somehow, it seemed like it would feel a lot more like home if I were to go to a high place where I could look out and watch the stars, just as I always had every night from the balcony of my tower. The light of the moon was brightest up here, and its cold light somehow made me feel safe, despite how high up I was, how rotten the wood was, and how I was alone in an unfamiliar place. And so, I settled down, peering over the railing and out at the starlight reflecting off of the slowly rising tide as it lapped in against the shore. The sound of the wind rushing through the boughs of the tree above me, and the gentle lapping of the waves, made me feel at ease, despite the fact that I was still alone in a place I didn't understand. Bit by bit, I found myself singing myself to sleep, as I often did on nights when I felt particularly restless. It was just like I was back in my tower, and, for a moment, I forgot that there were other people on the ship who my voice might awaken - although this was unlikely, given how quietly I sang. Taking a deep breath, I slowly took up a quiet and reminiscent tune, a sort of dirge for the days that had gone by, never to return again. My voice was picked up by the wind, and wafted around me like some airy siren song, wrapping me like the blankets I had left behind in favor of this isolated perch.

BGM: Fukai Mori

"I'm sure that the heart I left behind still lies hidden in the heart of the deep, deep forest," I sang, my voice building slowly as my confidence surged slightly, and I let get of my inhibitions. As of right now, I was in my own little world, all by myself and free to do as I wished without being embarrassed by anything. "Exhausted, without the strength to keep on searching, people vanish into the infinite darkness. If my heart is so small, I wonder if I can see it even now?" In a way, these words suited me better than I'd have liked to admit. I'd left my identity as Marie behind, had lost it to the past. Now, I'd given up on searching for the life I had lost, letting it slip away from me into the darkness of my memory, which was the last place it would ever exist. Even as I tried to begin a knew life, that which I called "myself" was already disappearing, its happiness faded forever. It was sad to think about, and before I knew it, I found tears dropping from between my closed eyelids, even though my voice did not falter as I slipped off into unconsciousness just as Marie was fading into obscurity. Nobody else would cry for the life I had lost, so if this was to be the time in which I buried those things for good, there was only one person who could mourn, wasn't there?

"As we live on, we lose a little bit more. Shrouded in falsehoods and lies, we stand frozen to the spot, unable to cry out. The days pass by and change, without us even realizing how blue the sky really is..." I let my song trail off at that point, as I found my voice finally choked in my throat by the tears I could not help but shed. As sleep took me at last where I lay alone, and sadness consumed my old life, even at this hour of happy reunion, I gave a quiet, gloomy sigh, and with a final, almost inaudible murmuring, I passed into the hollow world of tragic, empty dreams.

End of the First Day: For You Who Departs...

"Fade away for now, my old self. Just... disappear. That's what they all want, isn't it? I'll remember you, even if I change, but... For now, fade away forever, Marie."

End of First Night