Ceridwen
It was for the best, it had to be, her changing. She needed to, she needed to let go of the past, to stop being so afraid all the time. The last years of her life had been spent in nothing but fear, constant cowardice that never ended, there was always the fright within her bones that sheād break things more than they already were if she changed, or if she tried to even intervene upon her friendās new lives. And, a part of her was still now living in that fear. Even with them back by her side, even though Eden, Eric and Marie were all there, something within her was still so scared of changing, of accepting everything sheād denied for so long, locked away. Growing up, acting older, and being the person she shouldāve become . . . she had denied herself those things for so long, here she was at seventeen still acting like she was twelve. Twelve year olds could get away with prattling on in third person, acting hyper and reckless, but that was because someone at that age was still a kid. . . . And a kid was something she no longer was, even if she looked like a child in appearance, she wasnāt anymore. Ceridwen Nox was seventeen, and it was time for her to grow up.
The thought of it was scary, taking in what sheād pushed away for the last five years, that was something that made her leery, the thought of undergoing a metamorphosis, to change, that really did scare her. But, it didnāt mean that she was going to lose herself in it all, it just meant that she was going to grow, to become the person she shouldāve already been.
Trust, respect, and any notion such as that; those were things that she did not deserve. Sheād never deserve those from any of those people she had dared to regard as her old friends, to even call them that as she was now . . . it was something of an insult to them. Until it was she underwent a change, and became the person she should be, she had no right to call them her friends, or to want anything from them. To change meant having to let go of a lot of things and embracing a lot of new ones, but, that was all right. Coping with changes, and accepting new things was a part of growing up, wasnāt it? Scary or not, it was something everyone had to do, to go through.
Even if it does scare me itās something I have to do. she told herself, standing before the door to her room, head tilted downward as she forced it out, not calling herself by that self-imposed nickname anymore. It felt weird, but at the same time, it felt rather . . . right, more natural than third person did. Even if Eric had been joking in the slightest with what he had said, thereād been truth within his words. Unarguable truth. She wasnāt yet to be trusted as she still held onto her frightful ways from before, her recklessly self-endangering ways. . . . Those were things she couldnāt just keep up with; not as she got older. I might not know, or completely understand what to expect with these changes, but itās something that has to be done. Maybe, maybe Iāll be more happy if I can actually get myself to grow up, to act more my age.
Ready to say shed her old self, Ceridwen set a hand on the handle of her door, and began to turn it before she heard hastily approaching footsteps, followed by. . . . āCeridwen!ā Eric shouted at her, a scolding tone held within his voice. He was standing behind herāmade sense he rushed after her since sheād not given him an actual chance to respond to her words before darting off as she had. Was he going to be angry with her for what she said . . . ?
She had nothing else to yet say to him, there were no more words she needed to let go of as sheād relayed all she needed to. Ceridwen was going to change, as she said she would, that was all he needed to hear from her. āTurn around.ā His voice was firm, demanding and stubborn. And, she didnāt even have a chance to respond to his order, or to try to turn on her own, as before she could manage anything, his hands were around her small wrists, forcing her to spin about on her feet to face him.
A small yelp came from her throat as this happened, the action made the shipās hallway spin around her for a moment longer than she really was. A shudder traveled through her body from this, as a slight queasy feeling settled into her stomach. Letting a breath out to try to coax her stomach into feeling better, Ceridwen turned her head upward, an uneasy expression upon her pallor face. Why does he seem so worked up over this . . . ? I do need to change.
Eric had a rather unhappy look upon his face, an expression that she wasnāt expecting to find there. āDo you really think I want you to apologise? Think I wan't you to say sorry, to change? If you changed, you wouldn't be Ceridwen- no, Rii! You'd be someone else. But you're not a coward. When you were younger, you'd fight illnesses and diseases simply to see me and Eden, and. . . . Marie. Last night, you sang my brother to sleep after he'd had a nightmare. You did that before too! And he sang to you. Remember that time you didn't want to sleep, yet we made you? You were so angry the next time we saw you. Am I apologising? No! What's past is past, and though you made me cry, I was a crybaby anyway! I was a coward! I overlooked abuse and illness towards my elder, and where did that get me? An over-dependant brother, and now I'm simply trying to make up of it.ā
Eh . . . ? I know I wasnāt expecting to hear that tangent from him, but even if the past is the past, he doesnāt. . . . a melancholic smile surfaced over her face. His hands were still around her wrists too. Heās trying to talk me out of it, maybe I did take what he said the wrong way, but, I know I still need to change. Iām the only one who hasnāt and I need to, no matter what might be wanted of me. I have to do this. . . . He made his mistakes and I made mine, but he came to realize those faster than I did, and heās come to change with those. I never did. Ceridwen began to shake, Ericās hands around her wrists served to remind her again how little sheād allowed herself to become different in the last years. Sheād hardly even grown, she was still as tiny as ever, so small, small enough that Ericās hands could grasp onto her bony little wrists so easily.
Ceridwen had shut her eyes, turning her head down again before, it was she heard Eric sigh; seemingly he was going to continue. So, with a sigh of her own, she turned her lavender eyes back up, to look at him. āRii.ā her own eyes went a bit wide with the usage of her self-given nickname; Eric hadnāt actually addressed her as āRiiā in a long, long time. Since before. . . . It was nostalgic to hear him say it, even if his voice had changed since the last time itād come from him. It made her smile as it seemed that a realization went through Eric after he spoke the nickname. What could it have triggered . . . ?
He spoke slowly, āI-I made a promise to you.ā
Her own eyes went wide when he said that, so . . . Eric had been . . . ? I guess that whole memory wasnāt just the result of a fever-ridden delusion after all. she thought, a sad smile on her face. But, it doesnāt matter.
āI made a promise to Rii. Not anyone else. And you didn't change. S-So I can. . . . keep my promise.ā he was determined, the expression carried upon his features reflected that, even though there was a rather dark blush creeping up upon his cheeks. Was he so adamant about this, about a promise made because she wouldnāt stop crying? Yes, that promise had been so much to her, but clinging onto it as she had was childish, just another indication of how much she needed to grow up. āIf you change, I can't keep my promise. I won't keep my promise. So. . . . stay the same, please.ā
He almost sounded desperate there. This was one thing she never expected to see from Eric, him like this, sounding like this. Ceridwen was happy, happy that the promise was remembered, but. . . . Was that really enough for it to be all right for her to not change?
There came from her a smile, an honest and sad smile. Her forehead wrinkled up a bit as she came to shut her eyes, tears prickling at them in regards to Ericās ultimatum to keep her from going through with her change. He didnāt want to see her different, because as far as he knew she really still was the same, and in a way, he was right, much of her had stagnated in the last years. That stagnation had left her like this, feeling this way, sick of herself.
She worked her wrists from his grasp, freeing them of his hold. āI-I. . . .ā she tried to start, her voice cracking. It was very true, there was a part of her that was very tempted to just remain as she had been, as āRii,ā but then, there was also a part of her ready to move onward, to grow up and become the person sheād long since denied. That was when the girl began to quiver where she stood, body tense and sore. āIām sorry. Iām sorry Eric.ā Her voice was low, and regretful.
A small step was taken forward to limit the distance between herself and him before it was Ceridwen brought her arms up and around Ericās middle, holding onto him while resting her head on his diaphragm. Tears began to come from her eyes. āI am happy that the promise was remembered; it was definitely one of the most precious things to me for a long while, but, I canāt stay the same anymore. I have to change. If I donāt grow then Iāll remain stagnant for the rest of my life, and I canāt have that.ā Ceridwen opened her eyes, and looked up at Eric with a smile, still teary-eyed, āBut, even if I do change, that doesnāt mean Iām not going to be me still . . . like you, you mightāve changed, but youāre still Eric, arenāt you? Change is necessary, isnāt it?ā
āIām sorry if that still means you wonāt keep your promise to āRii,ā but even with this change, that doesnāt mean that Iām not going to be āRiiā anymore, it just means that Iāll be āRii 2.0.ā There will be more to me, but Iāll be growing from the same core as my old self. So . . . please, donāt be upset about it, this is something I need, have needed.ā