Snippet #2325491

It seemed Asher had decided to come with her, which was good... and bad. On the one hand, it meant he hadn't had enough of her yet, even after seeing her true self, but, on the other, it meant that she'd have to continue dealing with his questions. Her heart sank when she heard his response to her own answer, just a quiet... "Oh." It seemed to her that he was somehow disappointed or dumbfounded by her odd preference for anime, let alone for shows not within her demographic. To her surprise, however, he continued to speak just a few moments later, shrugging the comment off and trying yet again to assuage her shame. He... did he not care that she was an otaku? Surely, he'd realized by now, hadn't he? It seemed to be too good to hope for, and yet, it didn't seem like he was just lying so as not to shame her.

...Especially not when he let slip something that was obviously quite private to him, an unintentional action that revealed exactly how honest he was being at the moment. Although he cut himself off and immediately corrected himself, only an idiot wouldn't realize what he had just been about to say. And yet, even if logic told her the truth behind his comment, it seemed impossible to believe. Whaaaaaaaaaat?! Was all Kanna's mind had to offer. Firstly, there was the small fact that Asher was apparently friends with other people of his own age who watched anime, and something so embarrassing as yaoi, at that? For Asher to know something so secret and shameful about his friends' preferences, he must have been very close to them, right...? Mostly only girls watched yaoi, but any boy who did would have to be... And, neither of those groups would willingly tell anybody, right? So, had he found out by accident, or was Asher somehow in on it...? If he was, then he was either really close to some girls in real life - maybe he already had a girlfriend? - or, worse, he was...

Kanna blushed furiously at the rather... intense... mental image that these thoughts provoked in her. She herself wasn't a fan of yaoi, but she might have picked up a manga of that genre once out of curiosity. Granted, the experience had embarrassed her tremendously, and she'd gone to very extreme lengths to dispose of the book without even finishing it, but still, there were certain things one couldn't help but remember sometimes after seeing them. At any rate, despite her tendency to project her otaku fantasies on the world around her, she absolutely refused to think of Asher, of all people, in any sort of context even remotely close to yaoi. The possibility that he might already be taken in real life was bad enough. She didn't think she could handle her feelings being crushed in that way. But... wasn't it possible? He had been traveling with her for so long, and yet despite his friendliness to her, he'd done nothing more than seem tremendously awkward in any context even resembling intimacy. It astonished her to realize that the far-fetched theory she'd devised might actually have been possible. She'd never thought of it that way, not even in her most depressed states! She'd just thought that she'd been friendzoned, not turned down for that reason!

But, wait. His unintentional slip a few moments later completely blew that theory out of the water, didn't it? She breathed a mental sigh of relief, for a moment forgetting to feel awkward over the revelation of her companion's preferences. In that case, maybe Asher only knew about his friends' likings because he was like them...? No way! Was Asher an otaku in real life, like her? It didn't seem possible for somebody as competent and as outgoing as him to hold the same disgusting lifestyle that she did. And yet... the only other explanations were ones she really, really didn't want to believe.

Oh, and then there was the fact of the rather embarrassing thing she'd just found out, namely Asher's preference for anime. That was something she could have gone without knowing, especially since it set her to wondering all manner of things, like what kind of yuri it was, exactly, that Asher meant? It would be bad enough if it was just the mild kind, but what if he was a fan of full blown hentai? Even she thought that would be a little disturbing, and she was a NEET/Hikkikomori/Otaku, someone who should really have been acquainted enough with those sorts of preferences, even if she didn't hold them herself, to not be overly embarrassed by them. Another thought that crossed her mind was idly wondering if Asher had ever imagined her in that sort of scenario. After all, she had a tendency to project possible manga plots onto her situations and surroundings, like imagining Asher as a sort of shounen hero - which really wasn't hard, considering that he was basically a shounen hero in her eyes already. So, then, what if he did the same thing, only imagining her as some sort of shy kohai archetype for a yuri H-game?! She could see it now! The main character would probably be some sort of kindhearted yet strict student council president, whose main goal would be to drag the truant student Kanna Suzaku back to school, only to befriend her and eventually fall for her in the process! And then... GAH! No, not even she, otaku though she might be, dared to even attempt to imagine any further what her partner might be thinking. That was ground her innocent mind dared not tread. At any rate, these thoughts, despite being stifled, were still enough to push her incredulity and embarrassment over the edge. She had to resist the urge to audibly cry out with surprise, disbelief, and embarrassment, but it was a remarkably useless attempt, considering her current facial expression.

Oh, right, she'd been sitting stock still for the past 20 or so seconds, hadn't she? And, she didn't need to see herself in a mirror to realize that she must have been blushing an unimaginable shade of red by now. That, combined with the look of surprise on her face as her eyes gazed semi-blankly into space with growing astonishment and realization, and the fact that she'd covered her mouth just now to suppress a gasp of disbelief, must have made it at least fairly obvious that she'd seen through him. Desperately, she set about trying to correct herself, but much like her partner, who stopped himself only too late, she was now far beyond the point where she could hide her knowledge for the sake of her beloved friend's dignity. It was both admirable and somewhat naive of her, then, to try despite this realization. To her own embarrassment, however, she ended up just digging herself that much deeper.

"A-ah... Umm... I d-didn't w-watch that show... A-aside from listening to the songs on Nico Nico, t-that is. I was going to, but I heard about the ending, and it seemed too depressing..." She stammered hastily, trying quickly to pull down her hood further to hide the blush she was sure her partner had already seen. Only afterward did she realize that she'd let slip something Asher had probably expected, but hadn't had proof of as of yet. Namely, that she determined what shows to watch based on how they made her feel. Being a very empathetic individual who liked to live in her media instead of just observing it, she had always watched anime that she was sure beforehand wouldn't worsen her already tenuous mood. That was why she liked Shounen so much. It almost always had happy endings, and held true to the ideals of its larger-than-life heroes. Sad stories, on the other hand, only served to make her feel sorry for the heroes - and, by extension, herself - at best, and threw her into a depressive mindset at worst. That was probably the main issue with her escapism. She just hoped Asher wouldn't realize the full extent to which she delved into the anime she watched, although, she supposed, it didn't really matter, anyway. The very fact that she was now trapped inside ACO stood as testament to exactly how far she'd gone to escape from reality.

Actually, it was sort of odd. Despite how embarrassed she felt, knowing that Asher was being honest when he spoke to her, and that he was, at least in part, similar to herself... she derived an odd sort of comfort from that knowledge. If both of them felt equally awkward right now, then, for whatever reason, Kanna actually felt a little happier, knowing that she wasn't alone in her shame and shyness. It felt like she was seeing a more Human side to the "Shounen hero Asher" who she'd idolized to such an extent, and, seeing that more personal facet of his personality, she felt closer to him, like she'd managed to, at least in part, bridge the gap of her inadequacy that separated him from her. It felt like... like she was closer to him than ever before, like maybe there didn't have to be a disconnect between them anymore. The hope that had previously welled within her grew stronger, and, to her surprise, she found herself feeling more confident, and less ashamed. Why had she been afraid, anyway? Asher was Asher. He wouldn't leave her, even if it meant that he'd probably die. Why would he ever have abandoned her just because she didn't meet up to his expectations? She'd failed him before, but he'd never gotten angry. He was always so kind, that, looking back, she realized exactly how silly it was to have ever feared him leaving over something so trivial. Asher was her first and only friend, and the dearest companion she'd ever had, even in her fantasies. She didn't have to be afraid of him. It was embarrassing, true, but...

In that moment, she realized something. Above all else, she wanted to know more about Asher, and, her courage bolstered by how much of her she'd accepted before, she wanted him to understand how she felt. If he could accept her, accept every part of her, then, even if she died tomorrow, she'd be happy. She'd always been too intimidated by his overwhelming presence, and by the distance between them, to ever ask the questions she had always wondered to herself in the past. But now, perhaps strengthened by the knowledge that they might not be so different, perhaps reasoning to herself that she should change the subject for Asher's sake like he had always done for hers, Kanna suddenly found those pent-up words right on her lips. And, to her own surprise... she actually began to speak them. Drawing back her hood on a whim, she gave a slight smile to Asher, and said something neither of them had probably expected.

"H-hey... Asher... Is it alright if... I asked you some things...? I... I've always wondered about... certain things... B-but they might be sort of private... Is it alright...? If you don't want to answer... that's fine." Her voice was quiet, and her countenance her usual shy expression of mixed nervousness and gentle happiness and gratitude. However, there was most certainly something different from her usual demeanor. She was being so direct all of a sudden, it didn't seem like her. And yet, despite everything, she still managed to say it, to reveal her pent-up curiosity to her partner. For perhaps the first time, Kanna managed to initiate a direct, intimate discourse on her own, without any prompting to do so, and, despite her surprise at her own boldness, she couldn't help but feel happy. If things kept going like this, then she might just have been able to tell Asher about herself, and about her real feelings. Even if he rejected them, rejected her... just the satisfaction of having told him might have been enough for her.

She wasn't afraid anymore.