Snippet #2358461

“And you aren’t so bad, just too hard on yourself.” Eden gave a faint smile at his comment, shaking her head. If only that was the worst that could be said for her. How was it that where he saw strength and determination she saw only timidity and foolishness? She was weak; she was crumbling; the armor she'd used to protect herself was now falling away, leaving a soft underbelly exposed.

But she couldn't very well say that aloud, could she? No. Not here, not now. Not ever. Lex had already moved the conversation along, and her moment of guilt passed as though blown away on some wind. "I'm still waiting for Sterling to realize he isn't a dog. After 12 years he still looks at me as though he'd like to jump up on my lap," she laughed, looking back to him. She forced herself to put the messy barn at the back of her mind and engage with him. Over the years he'd become so familiar to her she'd stopped really looking at him, and she did so now, her eyes studying his face with the same scrutiny she had the tack room. They were about the same age, but Lex had a look of youth about him- a ruddy, healthy-looking complexion and brown eyes that always smiled.

She felt old and weak beside him, and as she looked at him she felt something that was like envy, but not, growing in her chest. Her eyes dropped her eyes to the floor a moment, and it came upon her like some great wave: she was embarrassed. Embarassed...in front of Lex? She couldn't be. Still...what must he think of her when he saw her now- mouth tightly drawn, skin pale and pallid? She used to wear her hair down- she'd always liked the feel of it on her shoulders when she rode- but she couldn't remember the last time it'd been out of it's severe bun. They'd grown up together, reveling in the trials and tribulations of the show ring. ...When had he left her so far behind?

He saw her wince, and she watched him watch her, seeing her injury through his eyes. He'd long given up on his mission to return her to the show ring, but she couldn't help but feel guilty for any pity he sent her way. But he didn't know. He didn't know why she could never look at a competition the same way again, why she froze up at the thought entering a show ring. He didn't know, and he could never know, not ever. If he did, he would hate her, and he would leave, and she would never forgive herself for that. He was her sanity, and, in some twisted way, to lose him was to lose the one part of herself worth keeping.

She blinked, banishing the nightmarish scene that played behind her eyes. Lex was already headed out of the barn, and she paused a moment to collect herself before striding after him, her calm and control restored. As she stepped out into the late morning sun, she spotted two figures moving up the drive- horse and human. Of course, her new boarder! How could she have forgotten? "Lex, I'm going to have to take a rain check on that coffee. I've got a new boarder attend to. ...Find me if you need anything?" she asked, looking to him for conformation before hurrying past him to intercept the newcomer.