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life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all.
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"I've only ever had oji-chan, really," Seongjae mentally gave himself serious whiplash when Kenji started talking, "which sounds dumb, because I have oba-sama, and my parents and Kaori, but . . . we've never been close. I know nothing about what they like, or how they go about their lives . . . they're strangers, to me."
Honestly, Seongjae couldn't relate to that -- beyond having his mother as essentially his only family member, Seongjae also tried to make friends wherever he went. No, Seongjae couldn't relate to what Kenji was saying, but he could try to understand -- after all, they were friends, now . . . right?
"I've always picked up magic easily, and kids my age would be intimated or jealous. Which was fine, because I had oji-chan. All I ever wanted was to impress him. To make him proud of me. But now... it feels like I'm lost, with nothing to do and nowhere to go. I sit here every day, doing his job, and nothing changes. I never feel any less hollow."
When Kenji turned to finally make eye contact, Seongjae was shaken -- this was the first time he could look into the rolling depths and the swirling colors in Kenji's eyes for more than a flicker of a moment. "I envy you, a little. You had no one, lost everything, and yet, you're so much more adjusted. You kept on living, finding happiness. I'm not sure I can."
The first thing Seongjae felt after Kenji's speech was being taken aback by utter shock. Seongjae assumed that he would be walking out of this meeting, cringing with shame and embarrassment.
The second thing was understanding, and an overwhelming urge to reassure the other man.
"It's important not to compare yourself with other people, especially when it comes to loss," Seongjae said adamantly. "We're all different, and we all have different experiences.
"And Kenji-san? I know it seems like I have no one left, but just because I lost both of my parents doesn't mean I lost everything. Personally, I'm a really social person, so I'm lucky enough to have a large support system. And honestly, I feel like how much you lose . . . it's not determined by how much you physically have left -- it's just something you feel. And I believe that what you feel isn't really determined by objective factors, like how many family members you have left, or how much money you have, or how good you are at something. If you're grieving over someone you were really close to, of course your feeling is justified -- it's is completely okay to feel like you've lost everything, even if you don't think you lost everything objectively, because maybe the person you lost was everything to you.
"And I know I seem well-adjusted to people. Heck, some people don't even believe me when they learn that I lost my parents -- I just seem so happy to them, which I'm kinda glad to hear from them, since it's something I constantly try to be. But believe me, I was an absolute wreck in the beginning -- I didn't recover from my mother's death immediately, and I still don't think I'm fully recovered. Her death . . . will always be a part of my life. But it's important to not have someone's death be your entire life. At least, that's what my counselor told me, haha. It was really nice to have someone there to help me through it, even if she was paid. I don't think I could've gotten out of my slump on my own."
Seongjae turned to make eye contact with Kenji, smiling softly. "If you want, I'd be glad to help you out. Having someone there really does do a lot. After all, a tree that's falling over can't right itself up on its own. That was also something my therapist said . . . I'm not as wise as her yet. But it would really make me happy if I could do for you what someone else did for me." Seongjae grinned, but not as aggressively as he did before. Now that I've gone through enough traumatic experiences of fruitlessly trying to befriend him, I should tone it down to match Kenji's style (า อก-โ อก-)แค
"My first piece of advice -- and this comes free of charge," Seongjae said cheekily, "is to know that the people we love are always with us in our hearts. And I know, that is literally the cheesiest thing I could've said, but it's true; after my mom passed, I felt absolutely horrible about myself. I thought of her death at every moment, and how I wasn't good enough to keep her here. I started losing motivation, because the person I tried to work my hardest for was gone. But after a lot of time, and a lot of help, I finally began to understand that even if I couldn't keep my mother here, she would still want me to achieve my goals and to chase after whatever makes me happy. I guess that's why I have such stupidly high dreams -- I know necromancy and that kind of stuff are way out of my skill level right now, but I want to chase after it. And every time I start to feel lost, or every time I start to think I don't deserve this -- I just think of what my mother would really want. Because her desire for me to be happy didn't disappear when she died. And if there's an afterlife, and if she's watching me from up there, I want her to look at me and find the joy she couldn't find when she was alive.
"Kenji-san, your grandfather sounds like a good man. I'm positive that someone you loved so much would've wanted for you to be happy. And don't be too hard on yourself, okay? This stuff takes time and a looooot of effort sometimes, but it's truly worth it."