xxxi feel so damn worthless
xxxanother day is gone
xxxand all my faces are alibis
xxxand me, I'm half the man I wanted to be
And then he said something that Ben hadn't heard in a long time and hadn't wanted to hear. Doctor Benjamin Chapman. It felt like somebody had kicked Ben in the chest and stomach at once. So that's what all this had been about. Trying to get him to come back. Ben was paralyzed, frozen. He didn't miss Jake's glance at Autumn either. So it was the kid. Ben felt his heart shattering, the helplessness come clawing back in.
He was silent for a few seconds, trying to form the words. He picked up his glass of water and sipped it, barely even aware of the shaking in his hands. "I can't help you," he said, a little too quietly, his voice a little strangled. "I'm- I can't-" He took a deep breath. "I can't. I'm sorry, I- I'm really sorry." Suddenly, it all became too overwhelming. "I'm sorry, I can't do this." He bolted out of his seat, out of the restaurant, only realising once he was outside that he'd left his jacket behind, and that he'd left Jake to foot the bill. Part of him felt bad, but mostly he just needed to get away. Wrapping his arms around himself, he just started walking. Of course none of it had been real. They probably hadn't even seen the person, just the doctor. He wanted to be able to help. Autumn was an adorable kid. And if they were looking for him specifically, then it was bad. Probably real bad. But it wasn't that simple. And honestly it was probably just easier if he walked away rather than having to explain his whole sob story. He felt vaguely like the pressure in his chest was moving up to drown him, suffocate him. It felt like his whole body was shaking at this point. Or maybe that was just the cold.