It was a little chilly as the days neared Christmas but her shoulders trembled on their own. Church; a sanctuary to most was a beautiful nightmare to her as she walked down the aisle. The stained glass windows depicting the fourteen stations of the cross from Jesus' condemnation to his crucifixion and burial, illuminated the building in colors wonderfully but hauntingly. There was no one else present to her relief but the eyes of saints followed and judged her with their stony gaze. A kaleidoscope of memories overwhelmed her, many faces and names she longed to forget.. ‘The unwanted child, the cursed one, the bad omen.’ Her intricately shaped eyes were her cross to bear as they became glossy recalling her father’s lie that it was not her under shame but his sinful affair. She came as a humble believer in search of faith, answers and comfort but all she felt in its place was fear and intimidation, as if she were trespassing on someone else’s property. She did not feel welcome here but she had to come. She just had to. She was desperate.
Jeremiah 29:11
11 “For I know the plans I have for you”, declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
Gen thought over one of her favorite verses as she stared up and ahead at the altar. Hope and a future... She knelt down as tears started to form. God, if you're listening.. I find that hard to believe because I've been doomed since the beginning. I was an accident and a freak but I tried so hard to be normal, so hard to make myself worthy of something or mean something to someone. One of her hands wrapped around her throat as she shut her eyes tightly trying to hold back the tears and inevitable sniffling. Her emotions were pouring out while they could without witness. Why is that not good enough? Why am I not good enough? Why did I have to lose my voice..? Haven't I lost enough?! Inside she was yelling but any attempt she made to yell would only produce a frustrating lump in her throat and unnerving silence. Her other hand's nails scratched against the floorboards. My talent, my passions.. it was all I had. It kept me going. It made me, me. I was that puzzle piece that didn't belong but kept constantly pushing myself to fit.. Will I ever or was it all for nothing? Gen rubbed her eyes and waited. She wasn't sure what she was waiting for. A divine sign? A miracle perhaps? Her voice suddenly restored just as she wished? Her mind wandered and wondered how nice it would be if the churchgoers who disliked her showed up and had changed their ways. Alas, nothing happened but she did leave the building with her shoulders feeling a little lighter of the burden and a little braver for facing the fear.
She checked that her eyes weren't red or swollen then carried on with her morning to guide the movers and unpack at Tadashi's home and soon, her home as well. She only brought necessities and items of sentimental value. It was a difficult task communicating with the help without her voice but she managed with gestures and the occasional typing into her phone. The furniture was last and stayed in the back of the truck because they were the biggest to deal with and she wanted to confirm what was for keeps and what was to go with Tadashi first. Gen placed her hands on her hips and took a deep breath in. She trusted Tadashi but the rumors had already begun thanks to Sora about their living arrangement as a male and female staying together. Well, they were both young adults in their graduating year and it was too late to turn back now. Her hand slowly rose to touch where her throat was once more but it was only a short instance. She had already caused so much worry yesterday and so, she decided she would not have anymore breakdowns over it again and if need be, take up her concerns with a specialist.