xxi feel so damn worthless
xxanother day is gone
xxand all my faces are alibis
xxand me, iām half the man I wanted to be
xx
Almost as if he'd heard Ben's thoughts, Jake's question took him aback, feeling a little like he'd been kicked in the chest. He struggled with the words for a moment as he processed. How much he should say. What he should say. He traced the pattern in his coffee as he struggled with the words. "I... I didn't just give up medicine because I always wanted to... live in the back end of nowhere and sell books. I... I can't operate any more and that..." He sighed, taking a minute to gather his thoughts and his words.
"They wanted a surgeon in Iraq. I went. Something... happened. And... it's hard to get yourself together after that. Especially when you can't do the only thing you ever want to do." He held out his shaking hands, for just a moment, to demonstrate. And then he wrapped them back around his mug. He didn't want to think too much about it. He could still visualise the carnage, feel the pain, and the sheer shock of it all. He didn't want to remember it but he didn't have much of a choice. The pressure in his chest seemed to increase, almost to the point of pain. But he couldn't leave Jake, he told himself. He couldn't help Autumn so he had to be there for Jake.