Erin Monahan
xxxI scare myself
xxxWith the way that I need you
xxxThere's no one else
xxxTell me that you can feel it too
The funeral had gone by in a blur for the most part, as Erin was lost in her own thoughts. It wasn't happening, right? None of this was actually happening, and she'd wake up from some fucking nightmare and Lauren would be back, and everyone would be living their normal lives again, right? It just, couldn't be real. None of this made sense. None. This all just felt off and didn't feel right. None of it felt right. She was taken out of her thoughts when Rebecca came back from giving her small speech and mentioned something about the cops. She barely had to peer out from the corner of her eyes to see them standing there in the back. She simply sighed and looked at Rebecca giving her a small bit of advice, "Just ignore them. They're not here to bother anyone." she said softly. The rest of the service went by quickly and they sat in silence, taking in everything best as they could. After giving their small goodbyes to the others as Erin and Rebecca began to leave, Rebecca had looked at Erin and asked if she'd walk her back to the hotel. Erin thought for a moment before she spoke up, "I can, but if you want my place is open. It's closer than the hotel, and you wouldn't have to be left by yourself." she said with a small smile as she gave her offer. She had a feeling that Rebecca wouldn't accept the offer, and she'd be okay with that. All she really wanted was for Rebecca to know she had someplace safe to go to if she so desired.
Not much to her surprise, Rebecca had agreed to accompany her. Smiling in return, Erin gently kept her arm wrapped around her waist, holding her hand as they left the funeral service, and began to make their way back to her apartment. The walk back was almost silent, aside from when Erin had asked her some questions which were responded to by minor responses. Which, in turn, had made Erin feel even worse about it all. She could barely make herself feel better, nevermind someone else and it made everything else feel way worse than she could have planned. All that mattered was that she tried to be there for someone, even if her coping mechanisms weren't, the best or most healthy. After an almost entirely silent walk back to her apartment, they finally made their way past the main gate and into the complex. Erin helped Rebecca make her way up to the stairs, and onto the proper floor of the apartment, and made their way down the hallway which lead to the door of her apartment. Shuffling through her jacket's pocket for a moment, Erin finally got her keys and unlocked the door, holding it open for Rebecca to make her way in before she walked in herself and closed the door, locking it behind them. "Make yourself at home while I get everything ready." she said with a small smile when Rebecca complimented the apartment. "Thank you." she called out as she put their coats away.
Erin made her way to her room for a moment, disappearing from Rebecca's point of view as she went to go look for some clothes for them to change into. Erin changed into a pair of dark grey sweatpants, and a plain black graphic t-shirt from one of the band concerts she had been to in the past. She came back with a similar set of clothes for Rebecca to change into as she prepared the drinks. Erin turned around to offer Rebecca a drink, to only see her in the midst of getting dressed, only in a simple pair of underwear as she put on a shirt and her sweatpants. Erin simply turned back around and took one of the shots she had prepared for them, trying to calm herself down as she could feel herself turning several shades of red. After taking a deep breath and calming herself down, she turned back to see if Rebecca was done, and she finally was. A small smile creased her lips as she gestured to the drinks, they were simple start off shots, nothing fancy for now. Normally she would have been surprised by the fact that Rebecca had gone for the bottle instead of one of the shots, but all considering the circumstances, she understood and simply gave a small chuckle in return as she took one of the shots again.
After hours of random banter, and drinks, which soon turned into drunken banter and conversations Erin found herself beginning to finally feel trashed from the amount of alcohol they had consumed. Erin and Rebecca exchanged how they felt about how everything had gone down between the group, and how it split and how everyone just went about their own lives. Some leaving, while others stayed. It was something she never really liked talking about. How she felt about missing everyone, even though she kept how she truly felt about it all to herself. It wasn't anyone else's burden to bare but her own. A small smirk and chuckle escaped her lips when Rebecca gave her small piece of having missed her, and that she was her favorite drink mixer. Something she knew, but didn't entirely miss hearing, but always found it funny how it was something she always went to. "So I heard, glad that you liked them so much, even if I have improved since then." she said, her words slurring between her stuttering and taking more drinks as she talked.
Erin sighed as she sat back for a moment, looking up at the ceiling as she found herself rambling on in her drunken stupor, "Ya know...Even after you left, and after everything that happened. Not a day went by that, that you weren't on my mind. I mean, I thought about everyone and wondered what they did or were doing but..I always wondered what you were up to, ya know? Like...I didn't know if you were mad at me or not. I just wasn't sure if you ever-" she was cut off from her rambling as she had sat up some as she suddenly found Rebecca interrupting her rambling as everything seemingly stopped in time. All she knew, was that one moment she was rambling on, and then the next she had been silenced. It took her a solid minute to realize what had happened, causing her brain to almost stop as everything halted. Erin blinked in utter confusion as Rebecca moved away apologizing for kissing her on impulse. A small smile creased her lips as she chuckled, combing her fingers through her own hair as she couldn't help but blush as she tried her best to say something, anything as her brain had practically imploded. "It's okay...I-I didn't mind it. I just, wasn't expecting it, is all." she stuttered out, trying her best to piece realty back together again as her brain tried its best to work. Silently she tried to rewire her brain to say more or at least do something than just sit there in her stupid state, but the only thing that brought her back to reality was the newly added weight to her lap and caress through her hair as Rebecca got closer to her again. Erin was simply only able to blink and give a small smile before Rebecca had kissed her once more. But this time it was more intimate than before. Her heart began to race loudly in her chest as she could feel the alcohol take a hold of her and her thoughts. Normally she would have opposed, as well as wouldn't have encouraged it. But this time, if it wasn't just the alcohol speaking, Erin wouldn't entirely oppose this moment. But she could feel her resolve and her control slowly slipping away the longer the kiss went on. She didn't want things to escalate farther than they should, as the last thing she'd want to do is ruin things between the two of them, as well as become yet another person's drunken regret.
Erin found herself gently separating the two of them as she gently pushed Rebecca a few inches away by the shoulder, turning her head to the side as the kiss was broken. Giving herself a moment before she began speaking again, "I-We can't, Becca...N-not now. Not while this drunk, please.." she said as she gently caressed Rebecca's cheek for a moment as she looked in her eyes. Erin watched as Rebecca moved to the opposite side of the couch away from her, wrapping herself in a blanket. She sighed as Rebecca said she should just sleep and that she was sorry for acting like that. Erin looked at Rebecca and shook her head, insisting that Rebecca take her room and that she could just go to the guest room. No one should have to sleep on the couch, even if they were as wasted as they both were. After some coaxing, Erin helped Rebecca up the stairs to where her room was located in the apartment. After saying goodnight and making sure Rebecca would be fine, Erin left for the guest room, which was on the opposite part of the apartment. After closing the door behind her, Erin simply sighed and made her way to the bed and let her own weight and gravity simply take her down. With her face buried in the pillow on the bed, she simply closed her eyes, her mind was wracked with drunken thoughts. Maybe she shouldn't have stopped it, or maybe it was for the best? Things were going well, and as always, she had ruined things, or maybe her mind was on overactive mode. She didn't know the difference and didn't care.
Her eventual sleep was nothing of note, all she knew was that when she woke up the next morning, an immense headache overtook her. She knew this headache would last a while and only one thing would help with it. Shuffling out of the bed, her feet hitting hardwood flooring as she made her way down the hallway and into the kitchen. She quickly made a pot of coffee and after it was done she poured herself a cup of coffee. It was only when she was halfway through the coffee that she remembered the previous night. Rebecca had gone back to her place and they had gotten completely drunk. Small talk and banter had turned to the more serious side of things, which led to what had happened afterward. Erin couldn't help but be angry at herself for how things went. Things could have, no, should have ended differently. After a few more minutes of sitting in silence in her kitchen, she heard some shuffling coming from her bathroom. Her eyebrow quirked as she slowly stood up from the barstool and made her way to the bathroom, gently knocking on the door. "Becks? Is everything okay?" she asked, only to receive very passive and somewhat annoyed replies. She patiently waited outside of the room, sitting against the hallway wall, occasionally asking if Rebecca was okay every now and then. From going through her phone, checking emails and Facebook and other social media platforms, eventually, the bathroom door opened. Erin got to her feet and gave Rebecca a small smile before Rebecca told her to not talk to her or ask her why she was in there for so long.
But the sight that greeted her when Rebecca walked out was all that she needed to know. Apparently her own way of grieving wasn't the only odd one. But the immediate shift in attitude in Rebecca caused some concern. "You look good, Becca." she said with a small chuckle, which was obviously fake as she tried to ease the growing tension between them. She didn't know what she did to upset her, if her choice the prior night had this effect on Rebecca, it only made Erin feel even worse. All she was able to do was watch as Rebecca pushed past her, grabbing a few things before she left, but not without a few last words. The last she heard was that Rebecca needed to borrow a few things, and just like that, she was gone. Erin just stood in the hallway silently as she watched Rebecca leave, not knowing what to say or do. All she did was lock the door, and went back to bed. In the following days, she became more of a recluse, not leaving her apartment or going to work unless she had to. Even then she didn't go or do much, except for staying in bed and trying to sleep it off and just ignore everything that happened. If she had nothing to focus on, she didn't have anything to worry about. In a mix of drinking, sleeping, and ignoring basically everyone, she hadn't anything to worry about. She knew to cope in this way wasn't exactly healthy, but it's all she ever really knew what to do. In the days that passed, her sleep wasn't even a good or solid sleep. She'd simply lay in bed every day, and just lie there, alone to her thoughts. She knew she should have taken her medication, but it only made things worse.
With her health declining, with unhealthy coping mechanisms, it wasn't surprising that the day she was invited to a dinner party by Soren she looked horrible. Somewhat prominent dark rings under her eyes, mixed with drinking and smoking, and not eating much had caused her appearance to look unwell to say the least. She found herself getting out of bed and showering, and looking for an outfit that she simply threw together of random pieces of clothing. She texted Kyle, and had told him to make sure he got his ass to the party. She'd be running late compared to the others, and his presence wouldn't be one of major note. As well as it being a good time for her to finally let the others know that Kyle was back, she'd just have to figure out a way of making it happen. When the hours ticked by, she finally got dressed, and tied her hair up in a messy bun and grabbed a jacket and put her pack of cigarettes in the inside pocket. She texted Kyle her address to meet her at her apartment so they could walk together.
The walk to Soren's was a welcomed one. The fresh air against her skin as she walked alongside Kyle, mixed with their small talk and further catching up made everything feel as well as good as it could get. They even caught up on some of the case issues, but mainly just made quick comments on it, Kyle made sure to let her know she'd be called to the station in the next few days as they'd need some information from her as well as just to see how she was doing. As annoyed as she was, she understood the process and was wondering when her time to be interrogated from. Erin held the door open for Kyle and the two made their way to Soren's apartment. Others had already made their way there and plenty of people had filled the apartment. Making their entrance into the party less noticeable. Erin told Kyle to go get them some drinks and just hang out and not be really noticed, as she had to go talk to someone. She passed by Soren as she scanned the apartment for her real target, "I gotta talk to you later, got it?" she said as she gave him a pat on the shoulder. She wormed her way passed others, looking around the room until she finally saw who she needed to talk to. Gently patting the woman on the shoulder from behind, speaking softly, "Look, I get it if you don't want to talk to me, but...I'm sorry. Okay?" she said as she gently pulled Rebecca to the side, wanting to have some privacy between the two for a moment. "Look, I get it. I fucked up the other night and I am sorry. If I could have made things have been different, I would have. I just...I didn't..I didn't want to ruin anything between us, ya know? I just...I'd understand if you're pissed off, you have every right to be. I just want you to know I'm sorry and that I fucked up." she said softly, looking Rebecca in the eyes for a moment before she looked away to the side. Looking back at Rebecca for a moment, she'd probably regret what came out of her mouth next, but she didn't care. "Besides...I meant what I said, I didn't mind it." Erin said as she gave a small smile, but began to turn away as she figured Rebecca didn't want anything to do with her or was beginning to get annoyed.