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Erin Monahan
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outfit : herex|xhex: #80000
xxxAnd now I can't wait for the next time I'm alone
xxxEvery day is another long walk back to your old place
xxxAnd now I stay out late at night waiting for the sun
xxxNothing's wrong but it doesn't feel right
xxxDoes anyone ever really change?
xxxDid We Change?
xxxDid We Change?
xxxDid We Change...?


Erin didn’t remember anything that happened after she tried to wake Soren up. After shaking him, pleading and begging for him to just wake up. Call her an asshole, call her a bitch, tell her he never wanted to see or talk to her again. Say she was the worst friend he ever had and never wanted anything to do with her again. All she wanted was for him to be okay, even if he stopped being in her life because of what she said. If he was okay and alive, that’s all she cared about. She just didn’t want it to end like this, it wasn’t supposed to end like this. Not with him being sent to the hospital, and not because she fucked up. It wasn’t fair, not for Soren, not for everyone else, and not for her. He deserved better. Dying like that was too brutal and unfair. She simply sat there as she was questioned, but wasn’t able to do or say anything. She was trapped inside of her own mind and body, unable to move. Things would go dark and hazy, and sounded like she was underwater every now and then, but she never once fully blacked out. She was able to keep herself from dissociating that much. All she remembered, was being in Soren’s apartment at the party one minute, in a car on the way to the hospital next, and then at the hospital. Initially, she was going to be put in the waiting room with the others, but after Kyle managed to pull some strings, she was allowed into the room. She simply sat in the chair next to the bed that he was in after he was finally stabilized. Erin silently stared past him, hoping this was all some sort of nightmare.

Okay, look. It’s not that bad, Erin!” Soren exclaimed as he backed away from Erin who was now looking in the bathroom mirror. “Not that bad? Soren, I’m missing half a freaking eyebrow!” she yelled back at him as she looked in the mirror, hoping this was some big joke. Soren ducked out of the bathroom as he went to get something, coming back a few short seconds later. “Hey, it could be much worse, ya know?” Soren said as he gave her a small smile, trying to ease the tension. Erin looked at him through the mirror, “Soren, we have school in the morning! I can’t go walking around like this. It was supposed to be a simple notch, not the whole right side.'” Erin said angrily, wrapping her hands around the sink as she shook her head. “Last time I trust you with my hair ever again.” there was a brief moment of silence, but then the two simply began to chuckle awkwardly. Which eventually grew into a genuine and fully belly laugh between the two as they realized how overdramatic the whole situation was. “Fine, only under one condition will I forgive you, Sor.” Erin said with a small mischievous grin on her face as she grew closer to him. Soren gave her a worried look as he raised his eyebrows, taking a step back. “What does it entail, exactly? What kind of torture are you going to bring upon me?” he said with an overdramatic flare. Erin grabbed him by the face as she looked him in the eyes, “I get to dye and cut your hair for tomorrow. So, let’s get going shall we? We don’t have all day!” she exclaimed, grabbing his hands as they prepared to leave the house for their small adventure. “Oh no..” Soren simply said as he hung his head lowly, admitting defeat as he followed Erin out of the bathroom, and out of the house.

Erin? Come on, you need to get up and walk around a bit. You can’t be in this room all day. You’ve been sitting here for hours, and you haven’t drank or eaten anything since. You need to-” the nurse was cut off as Erin finally took her eyes off from Soren, who was still asleep, looking at the nurse she spoke for the first time since she stopped talking back at the apartment. “I’m fine. He’ll be waking up soon.” she said as she gave the faintest smile. The nurse simply gave her a gentle squeeze on the shoulder and left her alone to her thoughts.


It’s going to be okay, Erin. You’ll be okay.” Soren’s voice was soft and sincere as he spoke, gently rubbing her arm as she laid there. Tears streaking down her face, “It just hurts, Soren...I just wish it was over with, ya know?” she said as more tears streaked down her face. All Soren could do was be there for her, giving her words of encouragement as he did so. “Are you sure you don’t want to take a break? Cuz, I can do this in more than one session.” the artist said as he finally looked up, giving Erin another look to make sure she wanted to continue with the tattoo. Erin snapped her head back at the artist that was working on the tattoo on her upper back, “I’m no bitch. Just finish it, it’s what I’m paying you for, right?” her tone had been a little harsh, but she wasn’t going to leave with a half done tattoo, especially one as intricately done as the Eye of Providence. Soren simply rolled his eyes, “You sure you don’t want a break, Rin? They’ve been working on this for a few hours now and-” Erin shot him a glare, one he knew all too well and backed off. “Alright, alright. But do you at least want some water?” he questioned, being genuinely worried for her. “Sure, but I swear. If you do what I think you’re doing, I will kill you.” she said with a small chuckle, dropping her chin back onto the top of her hands as she let the artist go back to his work, finally getting the smaller details finished. Soren walked back over with a bottle of water, Erin gave him a small smile and as she reached for it, he opened it and splashed some in her face. Erin shot him a dirty look, giving her the bottle as he attempted to back away, she spit some in his face. Soren simply shook it off and gave her a playful glare as she chuckled.

Alright, I’m done!” the artist said as he finished and wiped away the excess ink. Soren moved over to see the results, a large smile on his face. “It looks so badass!” he said with a large smile. “I need to see it, hello!” Erin said rather impatiently as she slowly sat up, looking in the handheld mirror the artist brought over. “Holy shit, it looks so fucking good!” she gushed, looking at it from multiple angles. The artist smiled as he helped clean any remaining excess ink and wrapped it up. “Alright, it should heal within a few weeks. Come back any time to see how it’s healing.” the artist said with a smile. “Thanks so much, and how much do I owe you again?” Erin said as she reached for her wallet in her jacket. Soren grabbed her hand, pushing the wallet away. “It’s on me, consider it a graduation gift, and after everything you’ve done. It’s the least I could do.” he said with a smile. Erin looked at him in shock, knowing full well where the money he would be using came from, “But, it’s your gig and tip money for your band, I can-” Soren cut her off, handing the artist a handful of cash. “I can make up for it, with a couple more weeks of working. It’s honesty no big deal, Rin. Alright?” Erin quickly put her shirt back on and retrieved her leather jacket, and practically tackled Soren in a hug which almost toppled them both over, “You’re honestly the best, Sor. Thank you, for everything.” she said as the hug tightened, “Don’t mention it.” Soren said with a large smile as he returned the hug. “So, how about we go out for sushi then, huh? My treat?” Erin flashed a smile, Soren simply gave her a smile and nod as they left the parlor. “If you’re offering, sure.



The next group of nurses came in, gently placing a hand on Erin’s shoulder as the others checked on all of Soren’s vitals and overall status. He was stable and for the most part fine, he would be mostly clear on out from here, they’d just have to wait for him to wake up and they could see him again. The nurse looked over Erin, seeing her rather disheveled and sleep-deprived state, growing to worry for her as well. Erin wasn’t a first-timer to this hospital, nor the same staff that were attending to Soren, which only made some things worse in their case. The nurse bit her lip before she asked the following question, “I know this is probably really personal and not fully professional but, you’ve been here before...Right? A few years ago, if I can recall?” Erin looked up at the nurse’s question, finding herself gently tracing the raised lines across her left wrist. Memories slowly coming back to her as she thought on what she was asked, nodding her head as she choked back tears, “Yeah, Soren was there for me after...After I got transferred to the Medical Center down the road…” her voice cracked as those words left her lips. Erin hadn’t fully opened up about what happened that night, nor really talked about it to anyone aside from Soren. No one else knew, no one else could know about it. She didn’t want anyone to worry about her, they had their own problems to worry about, and the last thing she’d want while everyone was busy with their own issues, was to add her own issues into the mix. Something she regretted never talking about sooner before it came down to that night..

Erin noticed that things had been getting bad those past few months, it was obvious. Everyone was falling apart, and leaving. Graduation was only a few weeks ago, and with everything that had happened in such a short amount of time. Everyone else was dealing with their own issues, their own struggles, their own problems. They didn’t need her being loaded on top of that. She felt whenever she tried to talk to someone, anyone, that she was only being a bother. She had always felt like that, but this was different. Something felt off and she knew what it was. It had been months since she last took her medication routinely. Instead, she had been supplementing it by not sleeping, and just staying in her small apartment. She had no job, no real ambitions or dreams, no relationship, nothing. Her friends were falling apart, leaving at the chance the got. Khepri left for Europe for a chance at doing something she was not only good at, but loved. Rebecca soon left after graduation, not even saying goodbye or even where she was going. Everything seemed normal with them, they had just hung out the week prior and everything was like it always had been. Or at least that’s how it appeared. But without a word, Rebecca left. Erin only found out where she went after Soren said he was just talking to her. She took it as a sign that even the people she was closest to, and even the one she harbored feelings for didn’t want anything to do with her.

She felt alone, lost, confused, and forgotten. Everyone moved on without her, and they clearly had no care about her as they would have tried to get into contact with her in some fashion, right? With everything that happened in recent months, it was only fair that others had higher priorities, and that she’d fall into the background to be forgotten. She hadn’t spoken to Soren in days. If he didn’t try texting or calling her, she usually left him alone. As he had been busy with everything, with his career and band lifting off and performing gigs and shows, and whenever he had time he’d shoot her a quick text or call, she understood that. She really did. But after another lonely and alcohol-induced night of being in her head and alone in her thoughts, she didn’t even remember what happened immediately after that. All she remembered was waking up in a white room that was far too bright, which smelt of that all too familiar nauseating hospital smell of antiseptic and solitude. Erin slowly blinked in and out of consciousness as unfamiliar voices asked if she could hear them and if she knew where she was. After a few seconds, she mumbled a reply, not entirely sure of what she said, if she even said anything of consequence. The next few days had been the loneliest she had ever felt. She was transferred from the main hospital and moved to the rehab center down the block for further treatment and surveillance.

The following days were a blur, all she could remember was sitting in an almost entirely blank room, with no windows, no real furnishings as they were afraid of her hurting herself more. The days that followed were filled with her either sleeping, eating as little as she could stomach, or sitting out in the small and dingy common area of the rehab center. It had been about her fifth day there when she was given the opportunity to call someone, she tried thinking of who would even pick up. But she settled on one person, after sitting down with a phone she dialed the only number she could remember off of the top of her head and waited for it to ring. She anticipated him ignoring her call, to ignore the number and just let it go to voicemail like he had that night. But it only took three rings or so for him to finally pick up. Her voice was far too shaky and raspy as she spoke, trying to get the words out as she tried to hold herself back from fully breaking down. “I...I made a really big fucking mistake. I’m at the Clinic..I’m so sorry...” she managed to get out before she fully broke down into tears.

Erin sat in silence as she held her bandaged arm close to her upper torso, rubbing the back of her hand as she was alone with her thoughts. The thing that brought her out of her trance was the sound of the Clinic’s door opening full force as someone ran in panicked. Erin slowly looked up, and sure enough. There he was. She could feel herself looking how she imagined. Paler than usual, dark rings around her eyes, wrapping herself up in her own body in a small chair as she awaited him. She must have looked pitiful to anyone who laid their eyes on her. Erin slowly got to her feet to greet him, but was almost taken down as Soren rushed her, wrapping his arms around her all too tightly. Normally she would have pushed him off or complained that he was squeezing her. But his embrace was something she needed, something familiar and something that didn’t cause anxiety and lonesomeness to fill her entire being. To feel like she wasn’t alone in this big, fucked up world. Erin simply leaned into his hug, squeezing back as much as she could with what little strength that she had at that moment. She wasn’t sure what came first, the waterfall of tears that came from her as well as her body shaking, or her onslaught of apologies when Soren demanded she never did that again, and that she couldn’t leave him like that. She nodded between her sobs as tears ran down her face as she clung to him, refusing to let go of one of the few things that were a constant in her life. “I’m sorry, Sor. I really am. I didn’t...I didn’t mean to. I just, I felt so alone and scared and...I thought everyone would be better off if they didn’t have to deal with me, you know? I’m so sorry, and I won’t do it again, I promise.” she said as she coughed between her sobs. All she could do was agree, it was such a stupid thing to do and she knew it. She just didn’t know what else to do. She had never felt so helpless before, never like that or to act on something like that. All she knew was that she was going to keep her promise to him, only if he promised the same thing back.

----

Three weeks had passed, and Soren had finally stopped staying next to her side like a lost puppy. He kept his eye on her, but wasn’t constantly by her side, or asking what was she doing or if she was okay if she fell silent for more than a few minutes at a time. Erin normally would have been annoyed and had enough of his clingy nature, but after considering everything that had happened, she couldn’t be as mad as she would have been either. After spending four weeks in her apartment with him, she felt like they had spent enough time being around each other constantly, if they weren’t at her apartment, then they were at the studio as he practiced with his band, or were out for dinner and lunch or Central Park for picnics. Anything to keep them busy, but she knew it was to keep her from doing something reckless like that again. Erin had decided that as a way for her to constantly remember their promise, she decided on another tattoo, one with more meaning behind it. She went with Soren, not telling him what she was going to get. It was only after the tattoo was finished that he got to see the finished product. She got the Ouroboros serpent, on the inner part of her left bicep, which often was used as a sign of eternity and continual renewal of life, or in this case, the refusal to give up on it. Erin didn’t need to explain why she got it, or why that was what she decided on, the look she had when it was finished had said enough. She made him a promise, and she was going to keep it for as long as she lived. Or at least she would try her best to keep it..


Erin found herself standing in the cafeteria of the hospital, looking vacantly at a vending machine. She was only taken out of her thoughts when one of the staff asked if she was okay. Nodding and giving them a false smile she confirmed she was okay, and just lost in her own thoughts. It was the first time that she had gotten out of that room after first coming to the hospital with the others. She needed a breather, a new change of scenery, as well as to stretch her legs. After downing her cup of tap water, she tossed the styrofoam up into the bin and turned on her heels, leaving the mostly empty cafeteria. Her footsteps echoed down the hallway as she walked back to the room, but stopped in the waiting room as the others had all stood up as a doctor began talking to them. Saying how they were all allowed to see him again as he finally began to wake up. But just be sure to not entirely overwhelm him with questions and to give him enough space. Erin dug her hands into her pockets and silently shuffled behind the others as they made their way back to Soren’s room.




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