Announcements: Cutting Costs (2024) » January 2024 Copyfraud Attack » Finding Universes to Join (and making yours more visible!) » Guide To Universes On RPG » Member Shoutout Thread » Starter Locations & Prompts for Newcomers » RPG Chat — the official app » Frequently Asked Questions » Suggestions & Requests: THE MASTER THREAD »

Latest Discussions: Adapa Adapa's for adapa » To the Rich Men North of Richmond » Shake Senora » Good Morning RPG! » Ramblings of a Madman: American History Unkempt » Site Revitalization » Map Making Resources » Lost Poetry » Wishes » Ring of Invisibility » Seeking Roleplayer for Rumple/Mr. Gold from Once Upon a Time » Some political parody for these trying times » What dinosaur are you? » So, I have an Etsy » Train Poetry I » Joker » D&D Alignment Chart: How To Get A Theorem Named After You » Dungeon23 : Creative Challenge » Returning User - Is it dead? » Twelve Days of Christmas »

Players Wanted: Serious Anime Crossover Roleplay (semi-literate) » Looking for a long term partner! » JoJo or Mha roleplay » Seeking long-term rp partners for MxM » [MxF] Ruining Beauty / Beauty x Bastard » Minecraft Rp Help Wanted » CALL FOR WITNESSES: The Public v Zosimos » Social Immortal: A Vampire Only Soiree [The Multiverse] » XENOMORPH EDM TOUR Feat. Synthe Gridd: Get Your Tickets! » Aishna: Tower of Desire » Looking for fellow RPGers/Characters » looking for a RP partner (ABO/BL) » Looking for a long term roleplay partner » Explore the World of Boruto with Our Roleplaying Group on FB » More Jedi, Sith, and Imperials needed! » Role-player's Wanted » OSR Armchair Warrior looking for Kin » Friday the 13th Fun, Anyone? » Writers Wanted! » Long term partner to play an older male wanted »

Where The Sidewalk Ends

Character Creation and WIP Crit Thread

a part of “Where The Sidewalk Ends”, a fictional universe by Nannyhap.

Some people say that the world is ending; others swear that this is a declaration of war from across the sea. Whatever the cause, everyone agrees that demon attacks in Philadelphia are on the rise, and there's something suspicious about this outbreak....

Characters Settings Story
This conversation is an Out Of Character (OOC) part of the roleplay, “Where The Sidewalk Ends”.
Discussions pertaining to roleplay on RPG.

Character Creation and WIP Crit Thread

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Nannyhap on Mon Jun 11, 2012 9:51 pm

We figured this was needed because of the reason. Please post your WIP character sheets here before submitting them to the tab so that we can keep everything neat and tidy and give you feedback! Because we are the sorts of GMs who like to do that, and so far the tab hasn't got a system for that sort of thing.

If you don't want your character posted out here in the open for everyone to see, you're welcome to PM the GMs. PMs should be sent to both Nannyhap and RhiannontheDane, as profiles will not be approved or rejected without input from both and that makes it easier for us to collaborate.

If you have any character related questions you can also post them here.
Ask me about metaphysical calamity pudding!

Tip jar: the author of this post has received 0.00 INK in return for their work.

User avatar
Nannyhap
Member for 12 years
Promethean Conversation Starter Author Inspiration Conversationalist Friendly Beginnings Lifegiver

Re: Character Creation and WIP Crit Thread

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby cloud9titan on Tue Jun 12, 2012 3:04 pm

Basics
Name: Ryan Clark
Aliases: The Shadow
Sex: Male
Age/Date of Birth: December 16 1913. Age 45
Species: Ryan Is very much human, but after an incident during a World War 2 mission he strongly questions what he is anymore.
Voice: Ryan has a very deep scratchy voice. It sounds as if Ryan has been afflicted with laryngitis or a vocal trauma.

Appearance
Physical Description: Ryan is an average size man. He stands 5 feet and 11 inches. he has a very short, dark, scruffy beard that has begun to gray at the chin and near the sideburns. The rest of his hair is short and dark as well and peppered with gray. Ryan's facial expression is always in a frown or angry look. His forehead is wrinkled making him look his age or to appear he is concentrating on something.
Distinguishing Marks: Both of his hands are a crimson red. The red discoloration stops half way up his forearm arms. He also has a scar that runs parallel and under his left eye.
Mannerisms: Ryan is a quiet loner. After the war he began to drink heavily to drown out the events which caused his wife to eventually leave him. On any normal day he is a grumpy pissed off old man who wants to be left alone.
Wardrobe: When ryan goes out in the night he dawns his old tattered military trench coat. He also wears a black bandana around his face with a cowl. Due to his discolored hands he also wears black leather gloves to conceal the red.
Other: Ryan was a sergeant in the war before being unhonorably discharged for disobeying orders and for mental health. It was also speculated during his last mission he may have killed a couple of his comrades. When questioned about the events Ryan could not speak due to shell shock.

Personality
Moral Alignment: Good.
Intelligence: Ryan is fairly smart. His aloofness and anger may cause people to think he isn't as smart as he appears to be.
Demeanor: Ryan will hardly ever initiate a conversation with anyone. If he is confronted he will talk to a person but he will not be very interested.
Attitudes: Ryan is always in conflict with himself. He still can't fully explain what happened on his very last war mission and is forever haunted by the harrowing events. Since he is haunted by these grave events his attitude toward life is very grim and dark.
Likes: Alcohol. lots of booze. He also likes guns and religion.
Dislikes: Demons and supernatural creatures. He loathes talking about the war and his ex-wife.
Quirks: Ryan is constantly muttering prayers and incantation wards to superstitiously protect himself.
Flaws: Since Ryan is older, he is not as strong or as fast as he used to be. His knees and back are starting to ache. He also drinks a lot, so fighting while intoxicated doesn't help him very much.
Philosophy: "I am God's rogue soldier and I will hunt down the demon who has the rest of my soul."
Hangups: Brining up his past will cause him to become quite angry and will probably make him storm off after making a scene.

Social
Occupation: Demon Hunter
Relationships: none
Economic Status: poor
Opinions: Praise God and turn away from the wicked.

Combat and Abilities
Combat Prowess: Ryan was trained in the special forces for the military. When he was younger he was a force to be reckoned with. He was an all star boxer and a great marksman. His combat skills allowed him to move up the ranks in the military.
Equipment On Hand: Ryan always carries a .45 caliber handgun with him at all times. He always carriers a hatchet that resembles a crucifix and holy water with a set of rosary beads.
Special Abilities: When a demon is near by Ryan's hands begin to tingle and burn.
Special Training/Aptitude: Special forces military training.

General History
Ryan enlisted in the Marines at the age of 20. He was always a strong kid and a good shot. The military took notice of his talents and assigned him to top secret missions during the war. On his last mission, he was assigned to infiltrate a Nazi stronghold. The stronghold was a cathedral in Poland. When Ryan and his men got to the stronghold the discovered the Nazis were trying to open a portal or gateway to another dimension. Ryan quickly ordered his men to stop the Nazis, but before they could the portal had been opened. Shadowy beings and other unexplainable entities crawled out of the portal killing many of the Nazi soldiers and Ryan's men. Ryan fought his way past the demons and Nazis to reach the portal. Ryan smashed the power source of the portal causing the portal to close. Before the gateway was closed completely, a demon grabbed Ryan's hands and tried to drag him into the underworld. The portal closed on his hands leaving a red crimson discolored pigmentation to them. Ryan was the only surviver of the incident and was shortly discharged for the service. When he returned home he turned to drinking to sooth his mind from the memories that plagued his mind. He became miserable and sullen and caused his wife to leave him. One night, drunk and alone Ryan stumbled into a church where he met a priest. The priest told him about the demons he saw and that he had the power to stop them. The priest taught him prayers and wards to help fight back the demons and how to find them.

Professional History
Ryan has been hunting demons for some years now. He uses prayers and incantations to ward them off and his military equipment to kill them. The priest trained Ryan in the holy ways and supplies him with holy water. Ryan has killed roughly 50 demons in his career as a hunter. He travels the country hunting demons. He has heard of some recent activities in Philadelphia and that is where his new hunting grounds will be.

Image

Tip jar: the author of this post has received 0.00 INK in return for their work.

User avatar
cloud9titan
Member for 13 years
Author Conversationalist Lifegiver

Re: Character Creation and WIP Crit Thread

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Cypher on Tue Jun 12, 2012 7:58 pm

Crack 'dat WIP~

Basics
Name: Philippe Deladrier

Aliases: Phillip Delacroix, Phillip Dean, Paul Smith; not to mention a series of Bureau-issued identities and aliases to be used and adapted as the need arises. One particularly sarcastic (and now particularly broken-nose-ed) individual called him "Inspector Philippe Javert".

Sex: M

Age/Date of Birth (if known): 44 (b. 18 Mar 1914)

Species: Human; North African (Moroccan; b. Tangier)

Voice: (Sample) He speaks passable English, although when he speaks casually or when excited--without any need to disguise himself or the like--it is with a very thick accent. When he actually settles down and enunciates, he can fake an American accent very well, and his slightly rough upper baritone (low tenor?) has proven to be quite pleasing to the ear, despite its inherent and slightly sandpaper-y grit.

{~}


ImageAppearance

Physical Description: Philippe is not an intimidatingly large man by any stretch of the imagination, standing at 5'8" tall and weighing in at an unassuming, but still somewhat large, 172 pounds solid, most of which is muscle weight (although a particularly brave soul might hazard the risk of making the statement that he's a little, er, fluffy). He seems to be a bit poorly fit to his skin; almost like he was born in flesh a half-size too big for him; as such, he tends to be a little wrinkly and paunchy, his eyes tend to sag a little and he generally looks a little baggy. Nevertheless, said skin is thick and leathery, although not incredibly rough to the touch--like touching a sheaf of construction paper, almost, except more... Fleshy... And markedly darker than most Americans or Anglo-Saxons. His lined, worn face, is caressed by a (rapidly receding) shock of salt and pepper hair (albeit getting considerably saltier by the day), and his face is never without a scattering of gray stubble. His beak-like, almost hawkish nose is framed by two sunken eyes, so dark as to be almost colorless, and frequently bloodshot.

Distinguishing Marks: Not much, really, aside from his hands. His knuckles bear the tales of many scuffles and bar-room brawls won and lost; a criss-cross-y patchwork of broken teeth and splintered stools. He has a small scar on his right pectoral from a knife, but that isn't much of a story at all.

Mannerisms: He comes off, not as a coiled spring, but as a small thermonuclear device. He actually radiates malice and anger when he walks; his muscles tense, eyes squinted, balancing on the balls of his feet, ready to take a swing at whoever approaches. When angry or stressed, he wrings his hands and rubs his temples. When really angry or stressed, the veins on his head pop out in relief against his head. He also descends further and further into a deep French accent when speaking under duress--which is bad, because people not understanding his speech, and making him go back and repeat himself, only pisses him off more.

Wardrobe: Simple and dour. Hates suits, but has three simple two-piece charcoal gray affairs from Woolworth's with dark, neutral-colored ties to accompany them (solid black, solid brown, striped two-tone blue, in case you were wondering), along with a shapeless and somewhat tacky and outdated gray felt fedora that he irrationally loves and insists upon wearing whenever formality is required--and don't insist he ditch it, ever. His day-to-day wardrobe consists of long-sleeved, light cotton shirts in checked patterns and semi-neutral colors over a-frame t-shirts. He prefers loose-fitted khakis or jeans and workman's boots or hiking boots for bottom wear, and he is never, ever, without his favorite A2 jacket.

Other: He broke his leg in a fall recently and although he's off the brace, he still has pins in and (occasionally) uses a cane. As such, he favors his right side.

{~}


Personality

Moral Alignment: Type II Lawful Neutral, Unfettered. Above all, uphold and obey the law and protect its representatives, and God save anyone who gets in the way of that.

Intelligence: Clever with applied knowledge, intuition and straightforward thought. Achieved a high school and college education, albeit with some difficulty (he isn't very handy with books, and he dismisses art as "keendergarden scrawleengs of small cheeldren"). He doesn't do philosophy, he doesn't do religious/secular debates--he studies law, he follows the law, he enforces the law. That's about it.

Demeanor: Angry and standoffish. He can count the number of people he tolerates daily without derision and death-threats on exactly one hand (three fingers, to be precise!) but otherwise everyone is treated with equal disdain. He is quiet but aggressive, grim but sarcastic, generally just an unpleasant curmudgeon. Nevertheless, he treats his superior officers with a grudging deference while on duty. His friends get the worst of it, although he honestly believes that it's all for the best and he only wants them to improve. To imply that Deladrier has a poor sense of humor misses the point entirely. It's not that Deladrier's sense of humor is bad; it's just that it doesn't exist. He appreciates schadenfreude and derives a bit too much happiness from otherwise inappropriate scenes, but other than that he has no appreciation for jokes, slapstick or anything of that sort. This can lead to several instances where a person will tell a joke and then very slowly attempt to explain it to an unmoved Deladrier, wherein Philippe will spit something vitriolic and remove himself from the conversation.
--Temperament: Choleric.

Attitudes: Just as angry inside as outside. He's not one of those fellows who casts up a shield around his heart to hide the fact that deep down he's really innocent and sad and hurt inside; if there's a wall around his heart it's just because it's holding back a well of even deeper anger and rage, and it's unfortunately incredibly easy to breach that particular wall. He really dislikes himself, although to a significantly lesser degree than everyone around him.

Likes: His job, his son, scotch.

Dislikes: Juuuust about everything else.

Quirks: He picks his fingernails and rubs his temples. Fidgets with his cigarettes and keeps his desk almost obsessively clean and organized.

Flaws: Moderate-to-severe anger issues, violent, easily frustrated, poor at handling stress, borderline alcoholic, mildly hypertensive, no humor, poor self-restraint, can sometimes be impulse-driven, legendarily poor driver, nicotine addiction, and did I mention the moderate-to-severe anger issues?

Philosophy: "Fiat justitia ruat caelum." ("Let Justice be done, though the heavens fall.")--Latin proverb
The law is absolute. No-one; not man, not demon, no-one is above it.

Hangups: They all change from day to day, but the absolute biggest pet peeve is to question his moral beliefs in law and order. Questioning his rock-solid beliefs has gotten at least one man chewed out to the point where he was crying. Other than that, finding his hangups is a matter of trial and error. Also rounding out his Top Five Hangups:
- Messing With Things On His Desk!
- Nicknames! (Esp. "Philly Phil". If you value your life, never call him "Philly Phil".)
- Whining!
- Leaving the Seat Up on the Toilet! (He broke his tailbone like this once)

{~}


Social
Occupation: FBI-SOB; Special Agent, assigned to Philadelphia

Relationships:
--Sexual Preference: Heterosexual
--Marital Status: Single (ladies). But before you go jumping his bones, keep in mind that he is a widower. His wife of three years, Lauren, died recently during a botched surgery. This may or may not be related to Philippe's broken leg, good luck getting any information out of him there though.
--Children: One. Kenneth, age two and change. It may not seem like it, but Philippe is deathly afraid of his child turning into the bitter, angry, violent man that he has, and as such goes out of his way to raise him in (what he believes) is the correct way for a parent, and loves him dearly.
--Other Relationships: None. Cooperates with his bosses and tolerates his co-workers (for the most part), but doesn't do very well with the whole 'connecting with people' thing.

Economic Status: Middle class. Technically he has two homes at the moment. His first (and preferred) habitat is a happy little A-frame house just outside of Arlington, Virginia. This house is where most of his belongings live; the majority of his weapons, his few books, most of his clothes, and his son and (newly hired) live-in babysitter. The place, despite its unassuming appearance, is practically a fortress in terms of security; shortly after buying it, Monsieur Deladrier spared no expenses in upgrading the locks on every door and window and even installing a small safe room in the basement (because where demons and wizards are involved, no precaution is an unreasonable precaution).

His second house, which he hopes will be as temporary as possible, is an apartment in Philadelphia that he managed to finagle into his budget. It's dirt-cheap and set in the gritty part of downtown, barely more than two rooms (if you count the bathroom as a second room), and Philippe hates it and refuses to let anyone see it unless absolutely necessary.

Opinions: Trust me when I say that you would not be able to get any out of him, and if you did you would immediately want to un-hear them. Buuut, here are a choice few excerpts from the few times someone has managed to get his opinions on something.
--Women:
"I haff known a great many women een my time. Not all of zem are shineeng examples of ze female race, but for ze most part I grant zem ze same respect zat I would grant anee man. Very precious leetle, een case you do not remember how I normally treat my workmates."

--Minorities and Racism:
"I am a Frenchman who was born in northern Afreeca, leeved seven months in France, and zen moved to America to support my familee. I half known ze struggles of ze minorities in zis country because I am ze minority een zis country. Zey have some small degree of my seempathee."

--The PPD:
"Zey are unnecessarily spiteful of ze Bureau and eets agents, as are all beat cops. Ees zere nature. Zat does not mean I respect zem for treating me like some... Pariah." He spits.

--The FBI:
"My job ees my job, my bosses are my bosses, the other agents are ze other agents. Zere is nothing more or less to say about eet. Zey do zere job, and I will do my job. So long as zey avoid angering me, we are fine."

--Lauren:
[color=#008080]His eyes get dark, his brow furrows. This is his angry face. "You have gone too far, vache. Eef you do not step away from zis table, I will not hesitate to make a scene by breaking your arm off inside your own spheencter. Leave. NOW."

{~}


Combat and Abilities
Combat Prowess: Pretty much the [i]only
thing Deladrier enjoys in life is a fistfight. He has a boxing background and years of bar-fights under his belt, not to mention the combat training the average FBI field agent receives before being released on the world. His size and (surprising) speed make for a formidable close-combat opponent, and he is an adept marksman with both handguns and long arms, of which he has many. However, he fails to see the point in bladed instruments, and as such fails at knife-fighting (unless, of course, he is unarmed).

Equipment On Hand: It's safe to say that Deladrier never leaves the house without his badge and his Police Positive Special, both tucked securely into a leather shoulder holster worn quite brazenly over his shirt (but under his jacket). Other than that, he has a travel flask in one pocket and an engraved Zippo lighter in the other, along with various pieces of change and receipts. His breast pocket always has a pack of Lucky Strikes in it. And there is always a wire-bound notebook and stub of pencil secreted away somewhere on his person. Not to mention more mundane things; his house-key, ID, Social Security card, pocket knife, et cetera.

Special Training/Aptitude: Basic FBI training. Although he has a certain aptitude for unarmed combat (as stated above) and interrogation/"sweating" of humans and (to some extent) demons.

{~}


General History
Philippe was born in Tangier, Morocco, two years after it was partitioned between France and Spain. This duality in cultures led to Philippe's formative years being rather confusing--his family were French immigrants from Nice, moving to a country with a strong Arabic heritage, that had been partitioned between France and Spain. The language gap changed seemingly block to block, and as a result Philippe picked up fragments of the Spanish language and Darija (Moroccan Arabic) by the time most people were fully getting a grip on their first language. He did a fairly mediocre job in elementary school due to a lack of interest in the subject material, and was sometimes called slow by his classmates. Philippe took this as the insult it was meant to be; but unfortunately for his detractors, this backfired horribly. Philippe learned to throw a punch before he could do simple addition, and before he even made it to high school he was risking expulsion for a combination of almost hilariously low grades and a penchant for incredible acts of violence for someone whose testicles hadn't even descended yet.

Somehow, through several miracles, Philippe ascended to secondary school, where he continued to just skim by. He became a street wanderer at that point, spending the majority of his days bouncing from place to place and going truant, raising hell where-ever he saw fit (much to the chagrin of his parents). Eventually, he crossed the law, and spent several days in jail for assaulting a Spanish dockworker who just happened to dislike Moroccans, despite being in goddamn Tangier. Those several days were spent rubbing elbows with rapists, murderers and counterfeiters, and Philippe made a sudden decision then and there--he would turn his life around. He would no longer be Philippe the Truant Street Brawler; he would become Philippe Deladrier, Executor of the Law. He started attending classes again, joined a boxing club to vent his building violent tendencies, and eventually graduated from school, where he immediately applied to the police force.

Given his previous arrest record (one for aggravated assault), he was turned down.

Philippe was less than impressed. And that was how he came to briefly be a semi-professional boxer. Until he turned 26. And then Francoist Spain moved into Tangier.

Deladrier decided that the moment that a fascist was allowed to move into his country was the moment where someone had to go. And so, at 26, with no knowledge of the English language, the barest formal education and little more than the clothes on his back and a few hundred dirham he had saved up from various odd jobs, Philippe went to America.

He made landfall in late 1940, in New York City (as was only proper for an immigrant). Despite some hassle (having come from the newly Franco-fied--and therefore Fascist-friendly--Tangier), Philippe eventually became a legal resident of the United States of America. He acquired a job at a butcher's shop and spent a great many years chopping beef brisket and learning to speak English through night classes, all the while considering his becoming an officer of the NYPD.

Eventually, he got his chance.

{~}


Professional History
In 1949, after having taken several law courses at a small college in addition to having picked up enough English to not look like an idiot and be considered passably fluent, Deladrier signed up for the NYPD and managed to bumble his way through initial training and pick up a beat. Deladrier quickly built up a reputation as a brutally efficient police officer with an arrest record several miles long despite the handicap of having English as a second language and not being particularly intelligent. He spent another year in the NYPD before being recommended to the FBI. Despite his disadvantages in terms of education, Philippe managed to land a job as a Special Agent.

He took to the job like a duck to water, and spent the next several years climbing slowly up the pecking order of the FBI, one bloody rung at a time. But, as always, there is one job that makes or breaks you.

For Philippe Deladrier, this case came in December, 1956. He was on assignment in Chicago, IL, investigating a string of brutal murders that were all supposedly the result of the "Butterfly Killer". The name "Butterfly Killer" was not because of a supposed physical characteristic, or because he left butterflies, or because he made butterfly puns in his threat letters--no, the Butterfly Killer gained his moniker by, after killing his victims, slitting open their backs, removing several ribs and drawing their lungs out through their backs. The first responding officer described the sight as looking "like the most disgusting goddamn butterfly he'd ever seen". Philippe, disturbed and disgusted by the murders, started down the trail.

Days passed, then weeks, with no leads. A victim would disappear, then pop back up dead some time later, and the killer would always disappear--like magic. Philippe was doggedly determined though, and eventually his determination paid off. On December 28th, 1956, three days before the New Year, Philippe happened across the Butterfly Killer--an old Raker in the middle of maiming his latest victim.

Philippe didn't even wait. He emptied his service revolver into the thing and then chased it through the city, despite being burned with Infernal magic and slashed across the chest with its claws, eventually managing to trap and kill it in the projects by bringing half of a building down on it.

His determination in the pursuit despite the difficulty of the chase and ensuing fight netted Philippe a promotion to the SOB, and the rest, as they say, is history.
Last edited by Cypher on Fri Jul 06, 2012 12:46 am, edited 7 times in total.
From the depths, I return!

Tip jar: the author of this post has received 0.00 INK in return for their work.

User avatar
Cypher
Member for 14 years
Promethean Conversation Starter Author Inspiration Conversationalist Novelist Lifegiver

Re: Character Creation and WIP Crit Thread

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby RhiannontheDane on Tue Jun 12, 2012 10:25 pm

Can I just...Phillipe is lookin' good! I assume this is the mythical Jean Reno? :p

Tip jar: the author of this post has received 0.00 INK in return for their work.

User avatar
RhiannontheDane
Member for 12 years
Author Conversationalist Lifegiver

Re: Character Creation and WIP Crit Thread

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Cypher on Tue Jun 12, 2012 10:59 pm

RhiannontheDane wrote:Can I just...Phillipe is lookin' good! I assume this is the mythical Jean Reno? :p


Oui, ees ze meethical Jean Reno.

Tip jar: the author of this post has received 0.00 INK in return for their work.

User avatar
Cypher
Member for 14 years
Promethean Conversation Starter Author Inspiration Conversationalist Novelist Lifegiver

Re: Character Creation and WIP Crit Thread

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby TheFinalOne on Wed Jun 13, 2012 9:05 am

SOME WHAT INCOMPLETO!




"God's influence diminishes, where the sidewalk ends."




Image
"And as usual, it all goes to hell."



Case 447-ER1


Public name: "Kendel Murder"


Last update: June 21, 1955.
Update: Case Closed.

Summary: One month, on May 14, 1955, a young black male, age twenty, was shot dead while he was held hostage by a suspected member of KKK. Gun analysis showed it was, then FBI agent, Krohn-Delhi who shot the victim. Later, it was revealed that it was a case of suicide by police.

Case reports:-

May 14- The victim shot dead by Krohn-Delhi, a FBI agent (off-duty). Details in Case 432-FZ2. Summary on Page 8.

May 15- Suspected KKK George Cathran and Kron-Delhi taken into police custody. Summary on Page 9.

May 15- On demand of George Cathran and of his neighbors, his house was searched. A dead body, that of a sixteen year white female was found. Summary of Page 10.

May 20- First hearing. Krohn-Delhi insists it was suicide by police. Cathran insists he was taking revenge for his daughter, the sixteen year old white female found 5 days ago. Summary on Page 11.

May 21- Second hearing. Again same details were provided by the suspects. Judges still undecided due to Cathran's possible KKK relations which he refuses to talk about. Summary on Page 12.

May 23- Third hearing. One of the accused, Krohn-Delhi, is given bail. He has been suspended from work till further notice. Summary on Page 13.

May 28- Fourth Hearing. After much deliberations, the court has decided than Krohn-Delhi is not to be charged with anything. Summary on Page 14.

June 5- Fifth and final hearing. The court decided to charge Cathran with possession of illegal weapons, kidnapping and attempted murder. At first he was to be sent to Raymond County Jail but after the other case related to him was decided he was sentenced to ten years of hard labor in Alcatraz and then execution by lethal injection. Summary on Page 14.

Testimonies for and against Krohn-Delhi on Page 6 and 7. Testimonies for and against Cathran on Page 4 and 5. Krohn-Delhi's report on Page 15.






[Page 2]






Page 3


Major Suspects


Joseph Krohn-Delhi
Image

Name: Joseph Krohn-Delhi

Aliases: Jo, Krohn.

Sex: Male.

Date of Birth: On medical record, copy of which is enclosed with the file, January 4, 1928.

Age: 27, as of May 14, the date of the crime.

Nationality: American. Danish-Indian descent.

Occupation: As of June 14, 1955, unemployed. Soon to transferred to Philadelphia Police Department.

Final Result: Acquitted of all charges.



Personal Data: Classified Level 4.



Description: White male in his late twenties. Danish or Indian descent not recognizable on first look. Face structure rectangular and ruddy. Dark blue eyes, medium sized and round, considered "full of sorrow" by people who know him. Thin face whose normal position is similar to that of a cheerful smile. Wavy hair, golden with orange streaks. Neatly combed and slicked down. Krohn-Delhi admits to treating them. Before the case began he had no facial hair. By the end, a thin stubble was noticeable. Stubble is black though Kron-Delhi swears he has never applied any hair color. Build ectomorphic.

Height: 6 feet.
Weight: 75 kilos, 165 pounds.

Medical History:
Suffers from dyslexia. Doctor's note enclosed within.
Suffers from headaches. Possible carbon monoxide poisoning at some time. Doctor's note enclosed within.
Apart of these to problems, suspect suffers from no severe problems.
No known physical disabilities.

Educational history:
Studied in Sankalp School for Special students, New York. Finished 12th grade there.
Joined Police Academy at Johnston Institute, now defunct, at the age of 24 after completely a four years degree at the Centenary Institute of Higher Studies.

Johnston Institute Report:
Psychical Fitness: Par requirements for FBI. Final Score: 128 out of 150.
Mental Fitness: Sub-Par requirements for FBI. Final Score: 107 out of 150. After giving him a handicap due to his 'psychosomatic' dyslexia, his score crosses par.






[Page 4]







[Page 5]







Page 6


Testimonies for and against Krohn-Delhi


Q: Can Joseph Kron-Delhi's actions be considered racially motivated?

Testimonies taken on May 18 and May 19.

"Racist? Never! My child has never even insulted anyone. Why would he kill that black man? It was that black man's fault! My son is innocent! Let him go. Just because a black man dies at the hands of a white man, does that mean it was racially motivated?! My son is innocent! He is the perfect white child!"
- Elizabeth Krohn-Delhi. Joseph Krohn-Delhi's biological mother.

"My son would never do anything like that. Go ask his foster parents. They've known him he was a child. He has many n- for friends. He will never kill any man, black or white or yellow or brown, just because he they don't look like him. Why didn't kill his foster parents then? They were brown, for heaven's sake! This is just the public blowing things out of proportion. Yes, the blacks deserve equals rights but if they want to incriminate a[sic] innocent man, then do they?"
- Randell Krohn-Delhi. Joseph Krohn-Delhi's biological father.

"I have nothing to say. If he is guilty, then the fine men at the court will punish him and I will accept the decision. If not, then even god cannot stop him from being free. Race is merely being factored into this because the skin color of the suspect and the victim is different. News becomes spicier then."
- Hari Smith. Joseph Krohn-Delhi's caretaker till he was sixteen.

"[laughs]Sure it was racially motivated. I mean look at me. I'm black and he has killed me a hundred times! [asked to stop his rhetoric] Does my testimony even matter?[asked to stop his rhetoric] Well, he has never racially abused anyone. I was the one who helped him read, you know? Poor man, still can't read properly. Maybe because he could not read, he did not insult anyone, fearing mockery. Maybe because he is from a foreign land. But the fact remains. He has never racially abused anyone when I'm around, even if he did not know I was present."
- Jamal Edwards. Joseph Krohn-Delhi's childhood friend.

"Is he willing to kill anyone to protect himself? Yes. Is he willing to kill anyone who is doing something grossly against the law? Yes. Has he done something racist? Haven't we all? I cannot say much about him. He has been my partner for only a year. He has not done anything that says, "I hate blacks!" But he did kill a black man, did he not? And in this day and age, that is not something we will do for the fear of inciting something like how Joey[Joseph Krohn-Delhi] has managed. We stay away from the blacks. Let the black FBI members handle it."
James Franklin. Joseph Krohn-Delhi's partner at FBI.






Page 7


Testimonies for and against Krohn-Delhi


Q: Can Joseph Kron-Delhi's actions be considered racially motivated?

Testimonies taken on May 18 and May 19.

"Of course! Bloody whites! Always oppressing us. All we want is equal rights. We are one f- species! How come they are special? Why should they be any better of us? If some African American attacked a white guy, suddenly he is all racially motivated. No trial, no nothing. Just death. Why are we giving this bastard or that Cathran bastard any trial at all? When this country going to be fair[sic] to all?"
-Joel Garner, Civil activist

"Racial motivation is a serious accusation. I believe before we go around accusing someone of that, we must, at least, allow him to explain himself. I'm sure if he was racially motivated, it will be clear. Looking at his childhood though, I can say the answer is no. But let us see."
-Criminal psychologist Adam Sandler. His report is enclosed withing file.

"We should really stop with this race business. We are all one. We cannot let the amount of melanin in our skin come between us. I have not seen many cases. Where this case is so special and important to the civil movement is the question that poses. Did Mister Joseph go overboard? We cannot prove anything. We had no cameras in the room at the time the crime was committed. Maybe he didn't want to kill the man but circumstances forced otherwise? But we should not dwell on this too long. I don't the American government would ever allow racist people in their ranks."
Clive Llyod, human rights activist






Page 8


Summary: Kendell Murder


On the night of May 14, 1955, Joseph Krohn-Delhi heard an argument, on his way back home after completing a shift, in the are where there is a majority of black people. At first, he did make any attempts to find out what was going on. [Krohn -Delhi was still in his office uniform.] The argument was happening a rundown building where black men and women had gathered.

As he passed the building, someone shouted, "[paraphrased]...what does this whiteboy want?" Fearing that a riot would start, he rushed in. There he found an older white man shouting at a younger black man. The white man had a gun. "[from statement of Krohn-Delhi]The white man, now identified at Cathran, was pointing the gun at the man and screaming about how the man r- his daughter.

"When Mister Cathran saw me he got angry and started waving the gun at me accusing me of not protecting his daughter. At that moment I briefly thought about removing my own gun, but I realized that would just agitate things. I tried to calm Mister Cathran down but to no avail. He was still shouting a lot and waving his arms. Before I could react, the black man, Kendel, started to fight Mister Cathran over the gun.

"When finally Kendel got the gun in own hands, he turned to me. Mister Cathran now between me and him, on his knees and visibly distraught. Kendel told me then that Mister Cathran was a killer but he did not name who had been killed. I had already my gun out; taken out during their scuffle. I asked him to let me handle it but he did not listen. He talked about how blacks where discriminated against and how the case would be warped against him, Kendel.

"I told him no such thing would happen. I even promised him that the FBI would make sure he, Kendel, is not charged of anything he has not done. While talking, I readied myself for the possibility of this getting worse. Kendel's posture suggested that he did not have any formal training. Kendel had the gun lowered, fingers off the trigger. Then Mister Cathran made a racially discriminatory comment, angering Kendel. He pointed the gun at Cathran. I shouted him to stop but he did not. The moment he got his fingers near the trigger, I shot at him twice."

[We cannot exactly know what happened. The only people present at the murder during the murder scene where the suspects and the victim. The people gathered outside did not enter. One man did call us but we do not know his identity. Police report cannot find any evidence of a break-in. The victim did have wounds on his stomach, most likely after being punched.]






Page 9


Press Report


May 15. Police Inspector Cartman's public

"On preliminary charges of murdering a negro, John Cathran and Joseph Krohn-Delhi have been taken into custody. John Cathran, who works as a repairman, an electrician, has been removed from his company. Joseph Krohn-Delhi has been suspended from the force. At this moment no motive has been discovered. Both suspects are going to be interrogated today."

Q: Did he kill the man because he was black?
A: Like I said, no motives have been discovered. Now, we will ask everyone in the media to not blow this up as a racially motivated attack. There is no such motive at this moment.

Q: What is charges for killing a black man?
A: The murder charges are same regardless of the color, caste, gender or religious beliefs of the person.

Q: When will be know more about the Kendel killing?
A: [coughs]We have not put an official identity on the victim. When his mother and father came here and identify him, and when he finish interrogating, the next press conference would be held. [walks out]








Page 10


Miss Cathran


Brief Coroner's report[Full report attached at the end of file]:
Victim: Miss Martha John Cathran
Identified by: Misses John Cathran
Age: 16
Cause of death: Multiple wounds have been inflicted on her body, all within an hour of her death. Most likely caused is due to knife wound on her throat or stomach. Body shows sign of struggle. Eyes and surrounding area was covered with water.






Page 11


Hearing 1 summary


Q: Where we you on the night of the murder of Mister Kendel?
JKD: On the murder scene.
C[athran]: Where do you think? [question re-asked] On the murder scene.

:[some more questions]

Q: Why did you kill the man?
JKD: He managed to take Cathran's gun and started waving it around, threatening both me and Mister Cathran here-
C:[interjecting]He killed my daughter![starts to cry] That's why I hate these f- n-!

:[some more questions]

Q: Was the killing necessary?
JKD: Yes.

Q: Why was the killing necessary?
JKD: He had his gun point blank at Mister Cathran's temple and was shouting. It was getting out of control-

Q: And so you shot him. You se-
JKD: Not then. I shot him when he was about to put his finger on the trigger.






Page 12







Page 13







Page 14


Final Judge Decision: Before I read out the decision I would like to personally apologize to Krohn-Delhi. The fact that you are part of the force should have told us you would do no wrong.
Mister Cathran, I do understand why you may have hated the victim. But that is wrong. You should have at least listened to your daughter. Hopefully by the time you are out of jail, the world would have changed for the good. And just maybe, you would have too.
This court finds Cathran guilty of possessing illegal arms, attempted murder and kidnapping. The details of this will be provided to you, Mister Cathran. You are charged with ten years in Raymond County Jail.
Mister Krohn-Delhi, you are acquitted of all charges. Though because you were legally off-duty, you will not be allowed back into the FBI.






Page 15

This report is from where the summary of the Kendel Murder, Page 8, was picked up from. So, I will not retype it.
[End Of File Stuff]


Doctor's Notes:
June 14, 1934- He has undergone a very traumatic event. His foster mother committed suicide in front of him after handing him a note for his foster father. After reading the note and looking at his wife, his foster father fell unconscious.
We tried to console him by giving a book to read but he refuses to read anything and starts to scream if he is shown anything with words on them. Not sure what to do with at this moment. One of the nurses cuddled him but he started to scream even more. Finally, after an hour of constant screaming, he has gone to sleep.

February 15, 1935- Luckily for us, he seems to have forgotten about the incident. We are not sure, but we will not try to find out. He seems to have developed some sort of dyslexia due to his incident. Luckily nothing he was read to since the incident has triggered the memories. Hopefully, it will stay that way.

March 8, 1937- Two years later and he is still to trigger his memory. The human brain works in amazing ways. I have yet to see any other side effects. But since I did not know him from before the incident, I cannot say if he has changed. The only visible thing is his inability to read. He is a smart child, smart and athletic. At this moment, he has a good relationship with a negro, who helps him with homework.

August 1, 1947- So many years have passed. No sign of any problem arising yet. He has gone back to his biological parents.






Psychology Report


Questionnaire One:

May 18, 1955.

Q: How are you feeling today?
A: Not very well.

Q: Would you like to expand to that?
A: I have been thinking about the incident. [pause]Did I really kill an innocent man? Did I help protect a killer? [pause]I do not know what I have done. I feel sad that Kendel had to die. [pause] If I had been better at speaking with people I could have stopped him. But with all this racial tension, I'm not sure even the best orators could stop him after Cathran insulted him.

Q: So you feel you should not have killed him?
A: No. [asked to elaborate] I had to kill him. I would have shot him near the legs but Mister Cathran would be put in danger. If I missed, Mister Kendel would have shot me instead. [pause]

Q: Your real parents left you when you were just a child. Do you feel angry?
A: Not at all. My foster parents told me that my biological parents were going through bad times. I cannot blame them. If they had hung on to me, I would have not gotten a great upbringing.[pause] Their decision to let me go is the hardest decision any parent has to make. I applaud them for making that decision. Because of their sacrifice only, I could join the FBI.

Q: Your foster mother died when you were young. [pause]What do you remember of her?
A: Not much.[pause] I was told she was a sweet person and took good care of everybody around her.[pause] I never had any half brothers or sisters. [pause]I think she never bore any children. [pause] She was a nice person I guess.[pause] Mister Smith loved her very much. [And you?] [pause]I guess. [pause]Like I said, don't remember much about her.[pause]

Q: What is your view on racism? What do think of the current situation?
A: Racism is basically insulting someone. I don't feel the need to insult anyone. [pause] As for the current situation, like everyone says, we are moving towards a new beginning. Many sweeping changes are imminent, I guess.

Q: Do you have any problems with black and other colored people having the same rights as you?
A: No.[pause] [asked to elaborate] I do not have anything else to add.

Q: How was your childhood?
A: [pause] Nice. [asked to elaborate] [pause] I lived in a poor area of my hometown. Mostly, colored people lived there. I only saw two white families, both from out of the country.[pause] French, I think. [pause] I remember being bullied because I was a "whiteboy". Though that was for a while only. Later, I became good friends with all of them. [pause] Except for a few times, I never saw race coming in the conversation. It was a great place to live. [pause] Amazing how, if a group of people are oppressed, they come together. Even the two white families joined in. [pause] Nobody was alone there.

Q: So everyone hated white people there? Please do not give one word answers.
A: [pause] No. [pause] Maybe. Most of the people who caused trouble for us were white people. [pause] Quite a few times, a boy or a girl from one of the families who go missing. [pause] The elders thoughts it was the doing of the white people. [pause]I think by white, they meant the rich, who were predominantly white.


Preliminary test observations:-
1) It seems he does not like to give answers longer than one words. If asked to elaborate, he would pause after a sentence. I have asked people who know him and they say that he will, if he can, answer either yes or no. We've realized that now, and will change the next questionnaire to better suit him.
2) When asked about his childhood or his foster mother, words dried up. He did not speak much. Only when he realized that we would not move until he gave us something; he started speaking, albeit with difficulty. Questions about his foster mother were answered vaguely. We were told not to ask him that by a doctor who has treated him before, but it is important we know more about him.
3) His expressions do not change much, even when he had difficulty speaking. Emotions are difficult to read looking at his face, and he occasionally closed his eyes. But his emotions are clearly betrayed by his voice. When he is sad, he speaks slowly and softly, almost in a whisper. When he is happy or content or otherwise not having a problem, he speaks as if what he says is the truth, as if is he is confident.
4) His body posture, much like his face, remains unchanged during questioning.







Psychoanalysis of Krohn-Delhi

-Adam Sandler, February 4, 1958


In my life I have met many criminals. I have dissected many, usually mentally. I have learned a lot from them. But never in my life has any criminal said, "Yes," when I asked, "Did you kill him?" Even Big Joe said no, and he had killed a man in front of a crowd. I have finished up the psychoanalysis of Krohn-Delhi. It was not asked of me, but attending the court hearings three years prior filled me with enough curiosity to do this.

As always, before I talked to the suspect himself, I went and talked to his friends, relatives and co-workers. They all told me the same thing; he only has two words in his vocabulary. Of course that is not true, but he certainly does act the part. One of the men who I talked to was the very same doctor who treated him after the incident. Doctor Deveraux told me how he might have lost the ability to show or even have emotions. Not show any emotions? Now, that would be a skill every criminal would love to have.

Anyways, without further ado, all the information I managed to collect:

Let's start with the favorites. He did not say what colors he liked most and considering the nature of the case that caused him all this trouble, I did not probe further. He says he likes all genres of music but considering he doesn't know who Chuck Berry is, I'm not too sure he even listens to the radio. It could be possible that he's heard the songs but hasn't really bothered to know whose creation it is.

One of the few times he did not pause to answer (I asked him why he pauses and he told me, after a pause, that nothing came to his mind. Not sure what that meant) was when I asked about the food he likes. He said that Bob, owner of the pub he frequents, makes the best sandwiches (I did taste them and found them quite tasty).

He does not read any books because they take too much time to finish because of his dyslexia (Doctor Dirk Nannes suggested it maybe psychosomatic but I'm not willing to find that out). He has read a few novellas and enjoys reading Amazing Stories. As for poems or other forms of literature, he can be considered an illiterate. Though I must say his fact retention is quite good. Most of the information he gets from watching movies or plays and such, he does remember. He also remembers all the points the President made a few weeks ago regarding the FBI's achievements. I also heard he likes to frequent Route 44.

As for 'bad' habits, he does drink and smoke, but only if offered. He said he drinks and smokes everyday at the pub with Jamal, his childhood friend who is currently a reporter. As for quirks, I could only find one. When dining out, he tidied up the table and reset the condiments. I have never seen anyone who'd do that. But then, he isn't like anyone. Or I haven't seen many people.

Because of his past I did not ask questions related to his attitude towards life. I will leave that to the doctors who work at mental institutions for they have more skill than me. However, after talking to so many people related to him in one or another, I think I can make some safe bets. For example, his greatest fear would be to find a slip of paper containing the same words as the suicide note. But, I'm not sure. He was a kid then, would he have understood what was written (again, out of respect, I did not ask his foster father what was written in the note)? Maybe he remembers the patterns? And finding such a note would be the single event that would throw his entire life in turmoil.

I’d say he is most at ease with the friends he grew up with or at least knows for a few years. But I have never seen the feeling of uneasiness within him. Even when random stranger called out to him, off duty, he did not seem uncomfortable. But then, he always has the same expression. I wonder if his face is stuck. Or maybe he injected his face with poison and all the muscles dies out?

I asked him what he feels about himself and he had no answer. Perhaps he did not understand my question, or perhaps he does not really have opinion of self. That would be interesting, and a lie. No creature is self-oblivious. I did ask what his one wish would be and as I thought his answer had no mention of his foster mother. He wished to go back to the FBI. “Why?” was never answered.

The greatest source of his strength would be his friends though with silent types, one never knows. Similarly, they could also be his greatest source of weakness. I consider his friend Jamal as his soft spot; especially consider all the intense hatred Jamal has for the rich, which Kroh-Delhi ignores. Actually whoever decided to send him to PPD was wrong. If he becomes dependant on the presence of Jamal, it would be really harmful for him.

I was born a Christian, and still am. So sometimes I like to judge people on the seven sins and the seven virtues our father taught us about in Sunday school. If I were to choose the sin Krohn-Delhi would most likely fall for, it would be Wrath. He also has a little bit of all virtues, but not enough to warrant him being considered a nice person.

He remains an enigma to me. Maybe I’m searching things that don’t exist? In any case, I learned many things about people in these last three years. I consider this project a success even though on paper it does seem like much. Hopefully, I have become better at my job.







[Secret Data]


from a letter: ...[The] judge said in his statement that Krohn-Delhi cannot be allowed back in to FBI, even after apologizing. This is the correct way to go. This case has had too much media attention for him to work properly in the FBI. My suggestion is to send him to PPD. They are having some sort of Infernal crisis there. The media there are more interested in the demons from below than the demons of our culture. He will not be bothered there. Also, if I remember correctly, his childhood friend Jamal Edwards lives there.





Blah Blah Racist Sheep,
A bloody creep.
Blah Blah Racist Sheep,
in debt, neck deep.

Blah Blah Racist Sheep,
puts everyone to sleep.
Blah Blah Racist Sheep,
thrown in garbage heap.
Last edited by TheFinalOne on Tue Jun 19, 2012 2:31 am, edited 7 times in total.
ImageRespect ma authoritah!
Are you irritated at coming last in every single thing? Don't worry. For just a cookie, I'll be TheFinalOne.

Tip jar: the author of this post has received 0.00 INK in return for their work.

User avatar
TheFinalOne
Member for 12 years
Conversation Starter Author Conversationalist Friendly Beginnings Lifegiver

Re: Character Creation and WIP Crit Thread

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Nannyhap on Wed Jun 13, 2012 10:33 am

Alright, for the sake of organization, I'm going to give this post a big honkin' title, so here goes. I'll probably be using this "sheet" for crits for a little while.

Cy, you'll forgive me if I don't crit Philippe just yet? Since he's far from being finished. :)

Nan's Preliminary Critique: Joseph Krohn-Delhi

First Impression: Looking pretty good for an initial WIP. The stylistic choices in the character sheet through me off a little at first. For the sake of the reader's eyes, I'd appreciate it if you bolded some of the fields, headings, and questions, just so the sheet reads a little smoother. Very interesting style of character sheet, and if you don't mind, somewhere in here I'll have a few suggestions to contribute.

Missing Information: The reason I found the character sheet hard to follow initially, I think, is that the majority of the information is very ambiguous, which I understand is probably what you were going for. However, I'd like to see something a little more definitive regarding his personality and his motivations. Perhaps a psychology report done on him to determine his motivations and whether or not he could return to law enforcement work without winding up in precisely the same situation.

Likewise, I'd like to see the doctor's note, and I'd like some more indication of who Joseph is as a person. Perhaps a couple of journal entries during the case would contribute to this nicely? Although, as he's dyslexic, this might have been harder. Given the significance of the case at the time, though, they may have allowed him to make magnetic tape recordings as journal entries, which were later transcribed? Just a suggestion. I want to get to know Joseph better through his sheet.

Some indication of his physical ability, such as combat and weapons training, would be helpful as well.

Historical Errors: First, and slightly more importantly, Joseph's education isn't quite right for the FBI. Rhiannon and I are running with the current qualifications--which means that to join the FBI as a special agent, an individual must be at least twenty three years old with a four year degree from an accredited university (major irrelevant, though law/criminal justice/criminal psychology are preferred), followed by a twenty week (~5 month) training program. It isn't impossible to make this a quick change with the way your character is set up, but keep in mind that in that case, he would only have been working for the FBI for about a year (if that) by the time the incident occurred. Keep in mind that the four year degree may have taken him as long as five or six years if his dyslexia is as prominent as you've implied.

On a considerably less significant note (as we won't be seeing any of Cathran), I find it unlikely that Cathran would have been sent directly to Alcatraz, as it was generally reserved for much more dangerous criminals than men accused of kidnapping and attempted murder. For example, I imagine in this AU specifically, Alcatraz is home to many a cult leader, and is probably tricked out with lots of cool anti-demonic wards so no one can summon up their buddies from the pit to help them bust out. Since spots in Alcatraz are limited and the prison is likely already overcrowded by this time, Mr. Cathran was probably sent to a federal prison in his home state and forgotten about. It's probably better for him there anyway.

A Handful Of Nitpicky Things: If Joseph is 27 years old, his date of birth would be January 1931, not 1938. The roleplay takes place in 1958, so he'd only be twenty years old with the date listed on the character sheet.

Also, I'd like to see his description expanded. Perhaps you could include something about his mannerisms, posture, wardrobe, etc. there?

Some of the testimonies seem a little superfluous, such as labeled "just some f*in guy." I like the concept, and what you have already gives me a better idea of Joseph's character, but I'd really rather see you apply the suggestions listed above than see more of them. I think it will contribute more to the character.

Also, some questions I'd like answered, but that don't necessarily -have- to be answered for me to approve the character
  • Why, specifically, is he being transferred to the PPD? I'd like an in-character reason for this, even if that reason is simply that it's geographically convenient.
  • If he was operating outside of FBI jurisdiction at the time of the shooting, why was he acquitted of all charges? Did the judges consider it self defense? (Although technically he wasn't defending himself....)

All in all, though, not bad for a preliminary WIP! Rhiannon will be along sometime this afternoon with any additions she'd like to make, but don't let that stop you from going ahead and editing the character.

Tip jar: the author of this post has received 0.00 INK in return for their work.

User avatar
Nannyhap
Member for 12 years
Promethean Conversation Starter Author Inspiration Conversationalist Friendly Beginnings Lifegiver

Re: Character Creation and WIP Crit Thread

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby cloud9titan on Wed Jun 13, 2012 1:47 pm

Basics
Name: Ben Strong
Aliases: Strong P.I.
Sex: Male
Age/Date of Birth: April 10 1920 age 38
Species: Human
Voice: Ben has a normal adult male voice. His voice is a bit scratchy due to the cigarettes that he smokes.

Appearance
Physical Description: Ben stands roughly 5'10" and weighs around 190lbs. He has dark brown hair and has a clean shaven face.
Mannerisms: Ben always starts conversations and is a good people person. He has learned how to deal and talk to people through his line of work.
Wardrobe: Ben wears a white button down shirt with a loose black tie. When he goes out he dawns a beige trench coat with a fedora.

Personality
Moral Alignment: Good, as long as the money pays well, if not, it is not his concern.
Intelligence: Ben is averagely intelligent. He attended the police academy and worked as a cop for a couple years but soon quit.
Demeanor: Ben is very friendly to people.
Attitudes: Ben's mind is a bit silly. He got into drugs which warped his mind into a paranoid being. He cares a lot about money and has a bit of a violent side to get needed information.
Likes: money, cocaine, whiskey, women, and cigarettes.
Dislikes: mornings, running and police.
Quirks: Ben has a twitchy eye and gets headaches when he needs a cigarette. He becomes quite violent and upset when he doesn't get his fix.
Flaws: his addictions.
Philosophy: money makes the world go round bud.
Hangups: Ben can easily get stressed out about his work. He hates when informants give him false information or it leads to a dead end.

Social
Occupation: Private Investigator.
Relationships: none.
Economic Status: poor

Combat and Abilities
Combat Prowess: Ben had training in the police academy. He was taught how to detain people and how to defend himself.
Equipment On Hand: Ben always carries a flask on him full of whiskey. He also has a zippo lighter and cigarettes. He also carries a .45 caliber handgun with some spare bullets. He also has a billy-club and brass knuckles for nonlethal extortions. Lastly he keeps a small box of cocaine on him as well.
Special Abilities: none.
Special Training/Aptitude: police academy

General History
Ben was raised to be a straight laced man. As soon as he was old enough he joined the police academy. He was just another average recruit who did patrol. On one bust he detained a drug dealer who had cocaine and marijuana on him. Ben was always curious about the substance. He tried the drugs and became hooked and slowly became a crooked cop. He started extorting dealers and low level crime syndicates. The police forces began to hear rumors about his operations and before he could be confronted he quit the force. After he left the force he opened his own private investigation firm.

Professional History
Ben worked as a private investigator for a couple years or so and everything seemed to be running smoothly. One day a lady came to him about a grisly murder that happened in her home. He told her to go to the police and that he could not legally do the job. He cried and pleaded that the cops would not believe her because of the circumstance of the murder. So he listened to her story. She told him that she suspected he was cheating on her because he was staying out at all hours of the night. She also found weird clothes in his closet. She also said how he started acting strange and came home with scratches on his body. Ben listened carefully as she told him about the murder. She said the night he was killed a shadowy figure walked through their bedroom door, made her husband float in the air then he burst into flames. Ben was shocked. He thought she was playing a joke on him, but her crying convinced him otherwise. She told him she would pay heftily for his services. Ben accepted the case and set out in the Philadelphia underground to learn about the occult.

[img]http://fc08.deviantart.net/fs70/i/2010/044/b/9/Film_Noir_Man_by_PamMartin.jpg/img]

Tip jar: the author of this post has received 0.00 INK in return for their work.

User avatar
cloud9titan
Member for 13 years
Author Conversationalist Lifegiver

Re: Character Creation and WIP Crit Thread

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Nannyhap on Thu Jun 14, 2012 11:15 am

Hey, Cypher! (The bold is to get your attention. :P) Just noticed that Philippe is about four years older than he ought to be according to his date of birth. Thought you might want to be informed as to that. He's a handsome broad so far, though.

TheFinalOne, Rhiannon and I sat down and looked at Joseph together yesterday afternoon, and she says that as far as preliminary critiques, she's content to leave it at what I've written.

Nan's Preliminary Critique: Ben Strong

First Impression: A good start on a character, but he seems a little barebones to me. I'm going to use the majority of this critique to suggest ways to work him up a little bit--little suggestions to keep in mind to make him seem more like a person and less like words on a screen, you know?

Missing Information: There's nothing specifically missing from the sheet, but I'd like to see some of the fields (especially those in personality) filled out with a little more detail. For example, what does the cocaine actually do for him, besides quiet his withdrawal symptoms? Most mood altering substances feature a high, a cooldown/normality period (sometimes accompanied by a crash), and then launch into withdrawal when the drug has been out of their system too long. Do a little research on the effects of cocaine and tell me who Ben is at each of these points in the process.

Another way to work up the character is to ask, Why? A few questions that come to mind for me are, "Why is he so friendly? Is he making an attempt to hide his cocaine use? Is he genuinely a friendly person, so long as he's happy? If so, is he less friendly when coming down from the cocaine?" This goes back to the statement above, about showing me who Ben really is versus who the cocaine makes him at either end of the spectrum.

If you can manage, I'd also like to see a little more in his descriptions, especially in mannerisms. You could probably work his eye-twitch into there if you wanted.

Historical Errors: Keep in mind that regardless of how intense his addiction is, your character will not be able to keep a small box of cocaine on him at all times, especially not if he'll be working with the police at any point. After the passage of the Harrison Act, cocaine availability became extremely limited and what little there was to be found on the streets was extremely expensive. Since you have listed your character's economic status as poor, I find it difficult to believe that he'd be able to afford so much cocaine that he would have a constant supply. He probably has to make whatever he has last for as long as possible.

If you want to swing it so that he supplements the addiction to cocaine with other popular drugs of the day (the most popular being marijuana, amphetamines, and the many not-yet-prescription pain pills on the market), then that's perfectly acceptable--just keep in mind what the relative costs of each will be, because your character might have to give up an entire day's pay just to get his fix at times.

A Handful Of Nitpicky Things: I think that the anger issues brought about by his cocaine use (or the ones he has in general) would be considered more of a flaw than a quirk; quirks, as far as I'm concerned, are more like small bubbles of personality, such as always eating your green beans before putting the rest of your meal on your plate or something weird like that.

What do you mean when you say his mind is "a bit silly"? I'd like some explanation there.

Oh, and also, just out of nosy curiosity, what is his geographical location before landing in Philadelphia to study the occult?

You might want to do a quick grammar and capitalization check throughout the sheet, and also the coding on your image there at the bottom seems to have gotten messed up somehow. I also notice that there's one place in your character's history where you seem to have accidentally typed "he" instead of "she" ("He cried and pleaded that the cops would not believe her...").

Work on the things mentioned above and Ben'll be one step closer to acceptance! :)


EDIT: Damn, left out an entire field.

Tip jar: the author of this post has received 0.00 INK in return for their work.

User avatar
Nannyhap
Member for 12 years
Promethean Conversation Starter Author Inspiration Conversationalist Friendly Beginnings Lifegiver

Re: Character Creation and WIP Crit Thread

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby RhiannontheDane on Thu Jun 14, 2012 4:55 pm

Hello! Rhi here! Nan has a bit more time at the computer than I do, so she's a lot more swift to critique characters. Nine times out of ten we both sit on a couch and rattle things off about what we like and don't like and want to see more of, so anything you see from one of us comes from both of us. That being said, I want Cypher, TheFinalOne, and Titan to know that I have read all three of your characters, and that I am backing all of Nan's critiques.

Cypher--I've spoken to you privately, so you know what's what. :p You know where to find us if you have questions!

TheFinalOne--your character sheet idea is incredibly unique! I love that you put the extra flair in and it's an wonderfully cool idea, so kudos! Like Nan said, though, I want to see more of Joseph shine through. Even though you're doing a case file, please keep in mind that personality is really what we're most interested in. Though I am completely gaga over the idea and you're definitely on the right track, so serious props.

aaaand Titan! I am loving your character idea so far, but I'd like to also emphasize that we're confident you can do even more to really flesh Ben out. We can tell you've put a lot into him, so show us on the page! Maybe we wouldn't push someone with less of a writing capability, but we know you're more than capable of showing us who Ben really is. :)

Tip jar: the author of this post has received 0.00 INK in return for their work.

User avatar
RhiannontheDane
Member for 12 years
Author Conversationalist Lifegiver

Re: Character Creation and WIP Crit Thread

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby RhiannontheDane on Tue Jun 19, 2012 9:51 am

TheFinalOne--As far as I'm concerned, you're good to go! Not the most orthodox character sheet, but it definitely puts a much more interesting light on Joseph than filling one of ours out might have given. Frankly, I'm a little jealous--no matter how much I have invested in a character, my sheets is always hideously boring, both to read and write. I thought this one was engaging and thought-provoking. I'm excited to see how he operates within the roleplay. :)

Tip jar: the author of this post has received 0.00 INK in return for their work.

User avatar
RhiannontheDane
Member for 12 years
Author Conversationalist Lifegiver

Re: Character Creation and WIP Crit Thread

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Nannyhap on Tue Jun 19, 2012 10:03 am

You've got the go-ahead from me as well, TFO--although unless you're thinking about adding in extra pages, I'd suggest you remove the placeholders for the sake of this GM's poor easily confused eyeballs. Otherwise, slap Joseph into a proper character sheet and submit him tab-style!

Tip jar: the author of this post has received 0.00 INK in return for their work.

User avatar
Nannyhap
Member for 12 years
Promethean Conversation Starter Author Inspiration Conversationalist Friendly Beginnings Lifegiver

Re: Character Creation and WIP Crit Thread

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Nannyhap on Tue Jun 19, 2012 11:01 pm

Ooh! Now that he's all but history, I suppose I ought to get cracking on one of these for Philippe. I'm not sure if he's even going to need the full crit sheet--you know he needs a history, but otherwise, I'm going to have to look real hard for something to prod my little pokey fork at. I'm just filling out the full sheet for the sake of professionalism at this point.

Actually, now that I look at him, I legitimately only have one thing to say, and that is this:

The SOB headquarters is actually located in DC, and they don't have many external offices, unlike the regular old FBI. It's possible that Philadelphia is Philippe's permanent residence, but when anything big or important happens, he'll have to find some way (fly, drive, hijack a magic carpet off a djinn (not actually, stop getting ideas)) to get to the rest of the SOB and receive special instructions, since they don't do much of that over phone.

If Philippe can handle that, then welcome to the FBI, son.

Tip jar: the author of this post has received 0.00 INK in return for their work.

User avatar
Nannyhap
Member for 12 years
Promethean Conversation Starter Author Inspiration Conversationalist Friendly Beginnings Lifegiver

Re: Character Creation and WIP Crit Thread

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby RhiannontheDane on Wed Jun 20, 2012 9:15 pm

Can I just say that I have the biggest crush on Monsieur Deladrier? WHAT A DREAMBOAT...

This may not be the character critique you wanted, but it's certainly the one you're getting.

Tip jar: the author of this post has received 0.00 INK in return for their work.

User avatar
RhiannontheDane
Member for 12 years
Author Conversationalist Lifegiver

Re: Character Creation and WIP Crit Thread

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Wudgeous on Thu Jun 28, 2012 2:12 am

HAHA BET I'M THE ONLY ONE WITH ILLUSTRATED PICTURES aaaahhhhhh man. Welp. If any of you find a nice lookalike, send pics my way.
I once saw someone who looked remarkably like him, but he was an EXTRA IN A SERIES bawww. And he was, uh, very Asian. Much more Asian than fanart tends to be.
July 2nd update: THANKS MOM'S COMPUTER FOR CRAPPING OUT WHEN I WAS NEARLY DONE. :\ Jeeeezus Christmasbucket.
Now I'm all grouchy, so I'll rewrite the Opinions and Attitudes later.

******~~~~~~~~~*********WIP******~~~~~~~~~*********





Basics


Name: "You can just stick with 'Teo'--everybody does. Yeah... Teodore Miroslaw Adamaszewski. Oh, I know--I know, I'm not sure how to pronounce it either." He chuckles quietly, though hoarsely. Some people call him T, too. Or T-bone.

Aliases: "Psh... the new kid... the greenhorn... rookie... I mean really, don't they know how old it gets? Jeez."

Sex: "Male! I mean--man?! I'm a man. Um..." He appears embarrassed that he was so quick (and excited?!) to blurt that out, clapping a hand to the side of his neck and wincing a tad.

Age/Date of Birth (if known): "Ooooh, August 30th. Yep. It's coming up." He's nestled between late twenties and early thirties, though some people insist he can't be outside the range of seventeen and nineteen. He sort of despises said people. They're picking on him, aren't they?

Species: "Huh? Uh, I'm... white. Can't believe I have to specify--that's not what you're looking for?" There is an incredulous, but irritated look on his face. "I was born here... in Philly. So I'm an American citizen. So were my parents."

Voice: Johnny Yong MOTHERFUCKING Bosch! More phenomenal!! (And Teo would totally have gone through that. Should've given her the carrots.)



Appearance


Physical Description: With a meekly slouched neck and a hand always groping the facial region, Teo reeks of flimsy incompetence. His short hair is unkempt, his knees gently buckled, his shoulders limp. The lad has something of a low, long jawline and a square chin; with wide, idly frowning lips between squishy boyish cheeks, glossed over with chapstick every morning--because hey! Never know when a lady is gonna feel frisky! His nose is the most expressive part of his body, twitching and crumpling like a wad of paper tossed in the garbage bin. Furling in on himself like a leaf set aflame.
Actually, he always seems to be a little bit sick, and is warm to the touch. A human radiator in the winter, you could say, plus about as sneezy as a Snow White dwarf. He insists it's not anything to worry about, though, as it's never gotten in the way of his job before (until it does, in which poo-poo).

Image
"Ahem, or as people say in Chinese, 'Nee-how!''"
Distinguishing Marks: "I have these two moles on my left shoulder." He's a pretty plain Jane, and in his experience that tends to be what's distinctive about him. Well, that and his funny teeth, but don't ask him about that. He might start crying.

Mannerisms: He can gesture a LOT when he's telling stories, like he's fighting something. He flinches spastically (and proceeds to adopt a kung-fu pose in defense of his head) when unexpectedly touched, he scuffs his shoes and hums impatiently when he thinks no one is paying attention to him. He's probably rolling his eyes behind your back while he's at it.
He grins agreeably with his lips firmly sealed, like a bottle of newly prescribed medicine. (He'd throw a pick-up line in here, but he's not very good at those. He starts scratching his right nostril just thinking about it).

Wardrobe: Nothing but silk shirts, fancy pants, ties and suits. After passing the last of his examinations, he threw out everything "unprofessional" (I guess in case one of his co-workers or a criminal comes for a sleepover, I don't know). This guy's sort of into his job. His jacket pockets tend to be stuffed with tissue packets, for wiping sweat, grime, tears, you name it; alongside sweet, precious bubblegum that comes with those super rad baseball cards that are becoming popular lately. (He collects them because he likes indulging in fads).
He also has a pale yellow raincoat.



Personality


Moral Alignment: He does value himself quite a bit, so he won't be stepping on grenades for just anybody. Still, not like he'd commit mass genocide. Look at this face. Look at this damned, puppy-eyed, chin-wibbling face. You think he could shoot a guy between the eyes? Nahhh. His level of responsibility isn't the best, but he generally strives for what's right, even if that isn't always the easiest route. Lawful neutral/good.

ImageIntelligence: He sure thinks he's a smarty pants, but doesn't always live up to it in the book area. Science and language, especially, are beyond him (but that does not stop him from chucking out the occasional big word despite barely knowing what it means). He's good at logic, at noticing little things, at thoughtfully thinking aloud... and math. Not everyone appreciates the thinking aloud thing.

Demeanor: When he's having a good day, he can be a smidgen "better than thou" (although, maybe moreso "Yeah, well, I'm awesome, so yeah."). But Teo is normally eager to please, keen to quell conflicts, and prone to slinking into some corner when it's clear he's not wanted. Since his yonder days as hardy youth with bleeding knees, he was something of a suck-up and tattletale, but never a bully or a jerkwad. He's the well-meaning hyena behind the lion; pretending to be otherwise only when he has ladies and/or children to impress, in which he's suddenly a brave and vigilant knight in the face of crime and danger. Yeah, he's sort of a big deal down at the precinct.
Much of the "incompetence" impression people get from him stems from his tendency to hold back his own opinion, instead saying unhelpful things like: "Gosh, I dunno, what do you think?" and deferring to other people. Okay, Boy Wonder, thanks for the help.
Teo exaggerates gently, only falling to snippy sarcasm when he's in a sour mood. Sass is reserved for those times he's sure he can get away with it (after which he'll giggle to himself for a couple of hours). He does his best to stay on people's good sides, because he really, genuinely doesn't want any trouble. Not worth the inevitable migraine. He's also prone to defensiveness and over-generalizations, insisting that everybody would be a lot less high-strung if they'd let things go and keep things simple. It's a good enough philosophy, except he'd gladly let bad business stay unchanged, untouched. Live and let live, even if the living's corrupt. Surely he's the weak link of the force, the succumber to evil whispers and coaxing, curling forefingers. Right?

Attitudes: &&&Oh, he thinks he's just fine as he is. Self-preservation is a good thing, riiiight? First of all, Teo feels no need to better himself, as with most people.
Self-awareness is something he's learned with reluctance, but he's got some of that in his pockets, too.
There's a certain level of acting involved in his day-to-day, and he'll often pretend to be more jovial than he really is, but never anything grandiose. Really really petty.

Likes: "Worldly" magazines (particularly those that cover the Eastern hemisphere); lady knees; dance events; gelatin salads; cake; Jane Russell; people showing concern for him; the news; baseball cards; bubblegum; pets; animal crackers; horror fiction; singing in the shower; etc.

Dislikes: Being compared to a kid (physically, mentally); being broke; being snubbed; weirdos; really indignant victims of theft; giant bugs; Sherlock Holmes; big books; etc.

Quirks:
  • He wants to be professional, but at the same time, he wants to be sure not to be a stick-in-the-mud. He can't stand the idea of people speaking poorly of him behind his back. So, he lets himself goof off once in a while, lets the occasional juicy gossip slip from his lips. Anything labeled "hush-hush" is just begging to be shared--especially if it'll make him look awesome.
  • He plays with his cufflinks a lot and he adjusts his tie when he's anxious.
  • He's pretty good with kids. He doesn't necessarily LIKE them, but he's good with them.
  • He has a phobia of thunderstorms. Nothing severe, but he's been known to whimper.
  • "Am I right or am I right?"
  • He has a wee bit of a fascination with voyeurism. Not attaining information or snooping, but just the idea of seeing something he wouldn't normally be able to see. Even storage cabinets can be endlessly interesting, so long as he's not supposed to be in there.

Flaws:
  • This little shit is for segregation. He likes completely ignoring problems that don't immediately, physically endanger anyone (in contrast to, y'know, demon attacks and aliens stealing our cows). He avoids interacting with minorities, ducking his head, coughing, allowing more aggressive superiors (or inferiors) to deal with them.
  • And he's a braggart given half the chance. And, you know, the gossip thing.
  • The boy's never, ever suave. Snazzy sometimes, but never suave.
  • Oh, and he sweats like a fountain after a day of work. Guess everyone ought to, though!

Hangups:
  • HE'S TICKLISH! Aw, fuck you--NO SERIOUSLY GET THE FUCK OFF. Don't you touch him anywhere other than the shoulders. He starts screaming. And not a funny cute little girly scream, but an outright SOMEONE IS IN MY HOUSE MURDERING ME RIGHT NOW scream. He's likely to break something, and blame you entirely.
  • And, don't touch his drinks. Don't drink from his drinks. Do. Not. This is one of the few instances where he'll slap your wrist, and it'll hurt like a wasp sting.
  • He doesn't like being patronized (or referred to by derogatory names that have nothing to do with his actual given name) either, but this pet peeve doesn't usually make him flip out as much as the other two mentioned above.



Social


Occupation: "PPD! Proud, Pompous, Detective! Eheheheh!" He saluted, and totally thinks you think he's cute now.

Relationships:
    Collins: "Rugged old guy's not so bad when you get to know 'im, really. Thinks he's some sort of G.I... I think he was one. Doesn't seem the delusional sort. I'd ask him, but maaan, I get enough stories from my grandpa." Not that Teo wouldn't pay cold hard cash to see Collins batting a cane at some girlscouts.
    Nasir: Okay, Teo might be a BIT freaked out by this jerk, but he's not about to show it. Usually he'll wear a look on his face that says "I may very well wish to ask where those scars came from, old sport, but I am not sure it would be wise."
    &&&Might add more&&&
    GIRLS: Hi.... so.... you're the most awesome, most beautiful thing he's ever SEEN, didja know that? Teo has a big, fat, funny crush on just about any lovely lass he lays his eyes on, and sort of caves into himself when they get too close--stuttering, fumbling, blabbering "OH HEY, HEYYYY NICE WEATHER AHAHAHA HI. (Ugh, totally messed that up, stupid, stupid)."

Economic Status: He's got enough money to spend on basic facilities and to be a little less than a week late on rent each month. Though he'll have you think otherwise, he's not starving on the streets in a wet barrel.
He lives in a meager studio apartment with two outdoor ginger persians named Missus Fluffles and Tomkin. They're manipulative freaks and you would do well never to cross them. But back to the apartment; it's very cramped, with socks and sheets of paper strewn about. A man pad, as you ought to expect. Teo doesn't like having guests, for that reason, often inviting himself to other people's places instead to avoid the inevitable, awkward "Oh... so... this is your place.... Oh, hello kitty ca--OWSHITFUCK, dude your cat is evil!"
Yeah, yeah, he knows, let's just go somewhere else. Ughhhh.

Opinions:
  • Cops: While he's into his job, he didn't become a cop to "serve and protect." It just gives him something to do in life, and it's a steady occupation. And he fancies the uniform. As for the numerous sects of officers, people warming up to him okay so he something something not giving a damn about divisions. &&&
  • Demons: something about labels. "It is a demon, oh no, please do not cause me to sin;" "Uh...-huh. Good morning, Infernal Field agent coworker;" "HANDS IN THE AIR RIGHT FUCKING NOW, YOU FREAKISH MURDERER" &&&
  • Homosexuality: 50s, might think differently if he was born in, say, 2000, blablabalblaa &&&
  • Music: He's pretty into the beat movement and that newfangled rock and roll stuff. Generally, if there's anything the young folk are into, Teo is also a fan. He doesn't do this on purpose, honest. He can't help that he's trendy.
  • Religion: "I believe in God. Nothing to be ashamed about. Except uh... the whole skimping out on church thing. My mom still gets on my case about that." He's very likely to side with ideas if that have the word "Christian" backing them. Makes for quick decision making when voting for the next president, if nothing else.

Image




Combat and Abilities


Combat Prowess: Ehm, decent, if only because he jogs every night in the park near his place. As such, he's quick on his feet, and doesn't tire easily (but complaining is still an option, especially if the weather's nasty). He also prides himself on having a good and steady aim, though he'll never shoot to kill. Shoulders, shins and car tires are his specialty.

Equipment On Hand: A loaded handgun... aforementioned tissues and bubblegum... You know what would be SUPER AWESOME to have? A night stick. Oh man, he wishes he had one of those. He'd twirl it around and whistle like a nancy boy.
Anyway, he lugs around a canteen (shaped like a wheel of cheese) as well. Prune juice, he says. Helps with anxiety, he says. He'll take careful sips from it when forced to wait around for long periods of time.
Other than that? Some keys, some cash, his badge, the works.

Special Abilities: "Actually? I can burp the alphabet. Hahahahaha you aren't getting me to do it without several drinks though." He's lying, he's usually buzzed enough to do it after a grand total of one. Teo's made himself quite the bag of tricks for those awkward social gatherings--even learned a few playing card maneuvers (which is why you shouldn't gamble with him if he's sober. Or drunk. Or whenever he refers to himself as "T-bone" or "The T-man." You know what, just don't gamble, it's not good for you).
He can also eat a LOT for someone so... well, he's not exactly small, but he sure doesn't look like the sort to order three supersized burgers and a tub of coca-cola every damned time you take him out for lunch. That he keeps his shape fairly consistent is mind-boggling.

Special Abilities (for srs): He has a knack for talking folk out of tantrums, and reasoning with the unreasonable (sans, you know, threatening to shoot their faces off). Teo has managed to coax dozens of people into calming down and speaking coherently, into putting the gun down, and into putting a stopper on the waterworks. He's not exactly persuasive in the sense of unholy devil charisma, but he has good and well organized points, and plain old looks like a guy who might just give a damn about what you're going through. At least he listens, understands that this is about you and nobody else. Needless to say, he's been deferred to for many a "good cop" routine.
Of course, this trait has a nasty side effect of putting him through two life story spiels a month from cab drivers, bartenders, friends and coworkers.... but oh well. Hasn't driven him insane yet, and that's what matters.
He's also particularly diligent, and doesn't mind tedious or repetitive work (despite the whining).

Special Training/Aptitude: He's got a good amount of Spanish down, but he's not fluent. That's really it. What, you think he spent his young adulthood in Japan training with ninjas or some shit? Pff.
That said, he's a fast learner, and is quick to pick up skills... and quick to forget them after a period of time. Only reason the Spanish has stuck is because his landlady no hable mucho inglés, y necesita Teodore ayudar con asuntos lingüístico.

Image


General History
Like he said, he was born and raised in Philly. There's nothing of note in the book of his life until college, in which he minored in communication, majored in mathematics, and is still paying off those stupid loans. He was never a club sort of guy, but got involved with a rifle group, thereafter frequenting shooting ranges. He was also a frat boy, and maaaan does he have stories to share about that, but not today.

Professional History
After college, he.... wasn't too crystal clear on what to do with himself. It took him until near graduation to realize he didn't want to drown himself in numbers for the rest of his miserable life despite being pretty good at it. So, having heard a friend talk about joining the police force, Teo figured what the hell, he'd follow along. Sounds like fun in the bun, and he'll get to carry around a gun. So, he never had any childhood dream of protecting the innocent; it was a last minute change in plans that happened to work out. He did surprisingly well, considering. While Teo rarely excelled, he never got reports of poor performance either. In due time, he got himself promoted to detective, about which he was pleased as punch. After that....
Let's just say, Teo was involved in a case that went really, really poorly--the classified sort that even this blabbermouth would sullenly stay silent about. Let's just say, the situation possibly got out of control because Teo was sticking his nose into business that wasn't under his jurisdiction. Let's just say the case had supernatural undertones. Police chief (and coincidentally a good friend) deemed the incident "not his fault," as he genuinely didn't DO anything--he was in a bad place at a bad time, and failed to react as a proper officer of the law would have been expected to react. That aside, the lad had been part of the force for four or five years without incident, and that counted for something. The matter was kept under wraps, the case remains unresolved, and ultimately, he was transferred from Drug&Vice to the Occult division, "to be safe." This was not a change Teo was exactly happy about. He might have made goddamned police sergeant if... oh, well, no use angsting about it, he guesses. He's had time to come to terms with the outcome of it all, and that'll have to be that.


Other History
He's dumped a girl exactly once for being weird and clingy and borderline psychotic, and has been broken up with thrice. Two of them being lassies who were hanging with him ~to pass the time~ before they found bigger fish to fry. He gets terribly upset after his relationships flop, because he tries pretty hard to fall in love each time, and unfortunately, has been fairly successful. Well, except that one-night stand a couple years back, which turned out.... strange; anyway, he'd be a freak for falling in love with a (veryprettysmokin'hotattractivegorgeous) woman he barely knew, right? Riiiight? ... Besides, she passed away just this month. You want a victim in that secret case that went awry? Here she is.
Career-wise, Teo worked as a gas jockey as a teenager, and might have had a future in the ice-cream parlor industry if he'd of sucked up his fear of long distances and travelled to San Francisco, where his granddaddy Earle Swensen had a booming business. Oh well, good to have a back-up plan. 'Cept he doesn't like ice-cream. Icky, cold ice-cream, like having goddamned winter on your tongue.
Ah, last thing: he had a preeetty major falling out with his partner back in D&V, and it's a sensitive topic. Even the word "partner" has him flinching and grimacing sometimes.


[color=#722222]
Last edited by Wudgeous on Mon Jul 02, 2012 9:44 pm, edited 32 times in total.

Tip jar: the author of this post has received 0.00 INK in return for their work.

User avatar
Wudgeous
Member for 13 years
Promethean Conversation Starter Author Inspiration Conversationalist Friendly Beginnings Completionist Lifegiver

Re: Character Creation and WIP Crit Thread

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Nannyhap on Thu Jun 28, 2012 8:24 am

Aaaaaaah, Wudge! I am still typing on a fruit, so no actual critiques can be given at this point, but let me say that THIS CUTIE IS PRECIOUS asdfghjkl. If I can find an Internet connection by the end of the day, I'll have something more useful to say.

Ah! One thing! Collins and Nasir are partners, so if Teo spends a lot of time around Collins, he'd run into the department's pet demon often enough. Feel free to fabricate a suitably catty relationship, if it please you!

Uhmmmm yes. YAY WUDGE!!

Tip jar: the author of this post has received 0.00 INK in return for their work.

User avatar
Nannyhap
Member for 12 years
Promethean Conversation Starter Author Inspiration Conversationalist Friendly Beginnings Lifegiver

Re: Character Creation and WIP Crit Thread

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Wudgeous on Thu Jun 28, 2012 2:55 pm

OH JEEZ HI when did you post this. <:|

I'm not sure he necessarily spends a llllot of time around Collins, but sure, I think I can add something for Nasir. If it please me. <3

Speaking of, I might... want Tee-tee to be transferred in on the day of the rp, if Final isn't already all over that idea. And I have a question about something else but I AM NOT SURE IT CAN BE ASKED IN PUBLIC so baaahhh, I'll talk to you about it later, just remind me. xD

Try not to squish your fruit too much.

Tip jar: the author of this post has received 0.00 INK in return for their work.

User avatar
Wudgeous
Member for 13 years
Promethean Conversation Starter Author Inspiration Conversationalist Friendly Beginnings Completionist Lifegiver

Re: Character Creation and WIP Crit Thread

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Nannyhap on Thu Jun 28, 2012 4:27 pm

The buttons are getting terribly sticky and it's hard to see the screen for the seeds.

That's fine, shoot me a PM about it. I WILL TRY TO GO OVER POSSIBLE ANSWERS BEFORE YOU DO SO, so that I don't have to sit in front of my screen and go "derp" for an hour before replying to you. I can reply to PMs. IT JUST TAKES MAGIC.

Fruit magic.

Tip jar: the author of this post has received 0.00 INK in return for their work.

User avatar
Nannyhap
Member for 12 years
Promethean Conversation Starter Author Inspiration Conversationalist Friendly Beginnings Lifegiver

Re: Character Creation and WIP Crit Thread

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Nannyhap on Sun Jul 01, 2012 10:05 pm

WUDGE, I know I said I would give you a proper critique, but like Philippe, Teo looks like he's already pretty good to go--and what a cutiebaby he is. Is that canteen filled with what I think it is? (Might be that it wouldn't be very good if left sitting out for long periods of time, BUT MAYBE I'M WRONG ANYWAY.) As for adding the sorts of things we talked about, that whole thing is up to you. When it comes to initial concept and a WIP worked up to a point where I'd totally accept him, Teo is there!

ohmanwaitisthatonenightstand....?

Oh, and Cy, you don't have to change this in Philippe's profile, but it isn't actually possible for a human to properly kill a demon. Even by dropping a building on him. Philippe probably doesn't know that, though--so he's going to be in for a nasty surprise if I try to bring that Raker back later on. Oh man, and you mentioned it nabbed him, magically speaking--that shit stinks to high heaven to other demons. He smells like Raker, and from the sound of it, this particular Raker is probably not anyone's friend.

...I wonder how nasty I can be with that one.

In other news, high amounts of Raker trauma in this roleplay. NASIR, YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE A HARD TIME WINNING THE RESPECT OF THESE NICE GENTLEMEN.

Tip jar: the author of this post has received 0.00 INK in return for their work.

User avatar
Nannyhap
Member for 12 years
Promethean Conversation Starter Author Inspiration Conversationalist Friendly Beginnings Lifegiver

Re: Character Creation and WIP Crit Thread

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Cypher on Sun Jul 01, 2012 11:18 pm

I'll let Philippe think he killed it, and now that you mention it I would like to see Philippe's pal BK (not burger king) come back for a second round. Plus now he's a beacon to every demon in a thousand-mile radius.

Shit just got intense in the brain pan.

Tip jar: the author of this post has received 0.00 INK in return for their work.

User avatar
Cypher
Member for 14 years
Promethean Conversation Starter Author Inspiration Conversationalist Novelist Lifegiver

Next

Post a reply

Make a Donation

$

RPG relies exclusively on user donations to support the platform.

Donors earn the "Contributor" achievement and are permanently recognized in the credits. Consider donating today!

 

Who is online

Registered users: CongtyCPTIS, fb88cab, Google [Bot], hometex90, ketquaduc, Majestic-12 [Bot], mens70sshirt, onlinekoitoto, vn86asia, w88casaonline