{"we're writers, my love. we don't cry. we bleed on paper." }
loveless - pvris | alibis - marianas trench | when we were kids - walking on cars
Benjamin William Bordreaux-Hansen
|Nickname|
Ben, Benji, Blondie
|Birth Date|
November 21
|Age|
26
|Ethnicity|
According to their family, there's a mix of Spanish, French, Swedish, Welsh, and English.
|Occupation|
Writer, freelance journalist
|Sexuality|
Homosexual
|Marital Status|
Married but Separated
5β11β ; 150lb, slim, narrow build, sometimes described as scrawny
|Hair Colour|
Ice blue
|Eye Colour|
Naturally a dirty blonde, but heβs been bleaching it to an almost white blonde since he was sixteen
|Significant Markings|
A number of beauty marks and freckles on the right side of his face and on his shoulders.
|Style|
Despite his motherβs best attempts, Ben and fashion never really clicked. He tends to stick to wearing the same old things, the things he feels comfortable in. On good days, when he feels like putting in more of an effort, he can be seen in flannels or button downs, usually layered with a jacket of some kind or a blazer. When he dresses down or just doesnβt have the energy to actually think about putting together an outfit, he goes with oversized jumpers and jeans if he has to leave the house, or else just tracksuit bottoms. If he bothers to get dressed at all, that is, as there are plenty of days when he just forgets to get dressed or just doesnβt want to, and so just stays in his pyjamas all day.
- One particularly sticky compulsion is a tendency to group things in fives. When he's particularly stressed, he tends to repeat things in groups of fives.
- He always, always has a notebook and a pen on him.
- He has a tendency to leave mugs and cups down and immediately forget about them, meaning there are always mugs of tea and coffee strewn around his apartment.
- He's always wearing rings and plays with them when he's stressed or trying to figure something out.
- When he's reading, he often has to be physically touched to draw him out of it as he gets so engrossed in reading.
|Talents | Strengths | Skills |
βBen has a way with words and is an excellent writer, both in terms of fiction and non-fiction. βHeβs a surprisingly good cook when he really puts his mind to it. β Heβs an excellent listener as heβll listen without judgement and seldom gives unsolicited advice. β Thereβs something about his manner that helps him settle any conflicts, or at least stop them from getting any worse. β If you ask Ben to get something done by a certain time, heβll do everything in his power to make sure itβs done.
|Flaws/Weakness
Heβs scatterbrained and prone to forgetting about things the minute he leaves them out of his hand. β Even if theyβre well controlled thanks to his medication, his self-destructive tendencies are still there. β Heβs a worrier by nature and worrying causes the rest of his bad habits to worsen. β When heβs upset, he withdraws and pushes everyone away. β Heβs a terrible and nervous driver.
|Hobbies|
Reading is his favourite thing to do and the only thing that can really relax him when heβs stressed. One of his doctors suggested running to him to help relieve stress, and he finds it can sometimes help reset his brain on a bad day. He loves watching movies of all kinds, but especially horror and thrillers. Playing puzzle-based video games usually helps him relax and reset. Board games with friends and family used to be one of his favourite things to do, even if he hasnβt really done it in a while.
|Fears|
ΓΈ Another bad relapse ΓΈ
ΓΈ Small spaces ΓΈ
ΓΈ Being alone forever ΓΈ
ΓΈ Heights ΓΈ
ΓΈ Having to give up writing as a career ΓΈ
|Secrets|
β€ He's still totally in love with Nas and has regretted their separation ever since it happened, but he knows he hurt Nas and is afraid that his husband no longer feels the same way. β€
β€ Nas was listed as his next of kin instead of his parents because even though they were separated, he would have much rather had Nas there than either of his parents, but he just told his mother that he never got around to updating it after they separated.β€
β€ He's the only person who knows about his nephew and has been in regular contact with Amelia and Dion over the course of the past year and dotes on his nephew, but he hasn't told anyone else about him. β€
β€ He's putting on a brave face and calling the incident a blip, whatever his family wants to tell everyone, but his headspace is still precarious and he's afraid that he'll have another episode. β€
|Goals/Dreams|
- Finish his current series. Even if the pressure of finishing it was one of the things that drove him to breaking point, itβs the series he dreamed of publishing when he was a teenager.
- Find love again. He knows that he probably ruined his own marriage and isnβt convinced that any future relationships wonβt also be ruined by all of his faults, but that doesnβt stop him from wanting it.
- Make his family proud. Heβs told himself his entire life that he doesnβt care what his family wants for him or whether or not theyβre proud of him- but a tiny part of him does still care and would love to hear his parents say theyβre proud of him.
| Anxious | | Kind | | Proud | | Reliable | | Avoidant |
For most of his life, Ben has been chasing an escape. An escape from the intrusive thoughts, an escape from the constant pressure of his family, an escape from the general pressure of his life... books and writing have always just been his favourite part of that. He far prefers to just escape or ignore the problems that life throws at him rather than actually deal with them. Because it seems that there has always been so many problems to deal with, far too many for one person to deal with. And then when you're one of those people that others seem to flock to for help in dealing with their problems, your own problems seem to fall down your list of priorities. Or at least, that was what Ben always felt.
Letting his problems build up and not dealing with them was exactly what landed Ben in the hospital. It wasn't one single thing that triggered it, and it was compounded by the fact he'd ran out of his meds and kept forgetting to refill them. Now he's restabilised on a new combination, he's telling everyone that he's doing better. He's back home with his friends and his family... and his husband. He's putting on a brave face, telling everyone that he's doing better, but he isn't so sure that he is. His mental state is better, but it's still exceedingly fragile, even if he tells himself and everyone else that it isn't, that he's fine. As much as he says itβs just because he doesnβt want to worry anyone, thereβs also a huge amount of pride there. Ben doesnβt want those pitying looks, the awkward way people dance around him and avoid dark topics while heβs in the room, and putting on a good show of recovery is the best way of stopping that.
β² Physical books β² Strawberry flavored things
β² Tea of all kinds β² Oversized jumpers
β² Milky coffee β² Hearing about his nephew
β² The colour green β² Classical music
βΌ E-books (for himself, not as a whole) βΌ Aggressive music
βΌ Hospitals βΌ Patronising doctors
βΌ Bitter coffee βΌ Driving
βΌ Being scatterbrained βΌ Not being able to drink alcohol
Baton Rouge, Louisiana {Birth - 5 yrs old} || Bluffton, North Carolina {5 yrs old - 25 yrs old} || Charlotte, North Carolina {25 yrs old - present}
|Family Tree|
Margaret Boudreaux || Mother || 49 || Living
William Boudreaux III || Father || 54 || Living
Ikenasio Amasio-Hansen || Husband || 26 || Living
Amelia Boudreaux || Younger Sister || 24 || Living
Diana Boudreaux || Younger Sister || 24 || Living
Dion Boudreaux || Nephew || 14 months || Living
|Happiest Memory|
Getting married. It wasn't a particularly big affair or anything, but he just remembers being so happy and so in love. At that point, it felt like they had the world at their feet and like they could do anything they chose to do. Even with everything that's happened since, he's never once regretted getting married, just because of how happy he was on that day.
|Saddest Memory|
Leaving town to go work on his series. He regretted leaving right away, but his pride and the fear of looming deadlines stopped him from going back, and he thought that maybe a fresh start might be good for his mental space. Now, he sees it as the beginning of his decline that led him here.
Ben is probably the only one of the Boudreaux siblings who can remember their home in Baton Rouge, but even his memories are sketchy. Most notably, he can remember the move. Ben had always been a bit of an unusual child, prone to worrying over the smallest of things and always having to do things in a particular way, but the move was intensely stressful to him and was the beginning of his problems. It wasn't helped by his family always expecting him to be an angel child, always expecting him to be the best in everything he tried. This led to his OCD and anxiety becoming extremely prevalent at a young age, and led to his family bringing him to a doctor when he was only ten. They wanted their son to be the perfect son, and medication was the easiest way to do that as far as they were concerned. Two years later, his bipolar became evident, and their response was just to get him put on even more meds to keep him stablised.
And in their defence, it did work. The balance of meds was a precarious one, but they were successful. Ben was academically gifted, especially in English and History. But much to his family's disappointment, he showed no interest in extra-curricular activities. He was happiest curled up in some empty room in his family's house with a book in his hand, or else scribbling away in a notebook of his own. This was where their conflict began. They thought Ben was capable of doing great things, of going on to become a doctor or a lawyer. But all Ben wanted to do was write. Nothing his family did would discourage him from it, and it just led to more conflict between them. It seemed like nothing he did was right. Even if they didn't outwardly show it, he knew that they were disappointed that he was gay, but disappointment was nothing new, and honestly he would have been shocked if they hadn't been. At least it was in the background, under the surface. But their real disapproval and disappointment surged to the surface when he began dating Nas.
He and Nas had been friends for a few years, but it seemed it was clear to everyone but them that the feelings had shifted into something else entirely. It was Amelia who ultimately ended up setting them up, by organising a date for them, telling them both to meet her at a set location, and then never showing up and texting them both to say they were now on a date. And the rest was history.
They got married almost straight out of high school and moved in together. At first, everything seemed to be perfect. But living in the Bordreaux household meant that Ben's demons had only ever been pushed to the side and ignored in favour of dealing with everyone else's problems instead of his own. He'd never learned to deal with his problems and his triggers, and now that he didn't have to ignore them, they reared their ugly heads. Ben's mental health slid into decline as he realised he had no idea how to deal with these issues. Not wanting to be a burden, he began to withdraw from Nas too. His career took off and outwardly, everything seemed to be falling into place, but internally, things were beginning to fall apart. He and Nas were separated; a result of him lashing out when in a particularly bad spot. He moved to Charlotte to be closer to his publicist and his writing team.
Away from his family and the only person he'd ever loved, though, Ben only continued to worsen. He didn't have anyone to make sure he was looking after himself or to make sure he took his meds. Under pressure from a deadline, he forgot to take his meds one day. And then the next. And the next. Ben had been off all of his meds for two weeks when it happened. He can't remember exactly what drove him to do it, other than it was a rash, impulse decision. Except his neighbour had noticed Ben's rapid decline and decided to swing by to check in under the guise of bringing some leftovers, he mightn't have been found until it was too late. He was rushed to hospital and resuscitated. Once he was deemed well enough for visitors and stabilised on his new regime of meds, his mother swanned in, declaring how she was coming home with them and they were going to look after him and take sole responsibility for his care. And he didn't fight it, because where else could he go?
β£ His apartment in Charlotte. It's small but comfortable and well suited for working in peace. β£
β£ He's been bleaching his hair white blonde for years, but in recent months he's kept forgetting to book the hairdressers so it's faded back to his natural dark blonde. β£
β£ Most of his income is as a result of his popular young adult series, but he also writes opinions and arts articles in the local paper from time to time. β£
β£ His meds consist of a mood stabiliser, antidepressants, anti-psychotics, and anti-anxiety drugs. None of them play particularly well with alcohol- one drink is enough for him to be practically knocked out, and he's usually especially anxious the following day. β£